Tuesday Blues and Crazy Convos

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. and felt like CRAP!

It has to be due to the 14 degree ATL temperatures. And that howling wind.

And me needing to caulk my bedrooms windows, because I was catching a draft or something.

Not to mention the ceiling fan was swirling at full speed.

So an Oldgirl woke up at 4 in the morning, and it felt like someone had taken a torch to my right sinus passage, my throat and my right ear. (Anytime I'm sick, it's always the right side. Not sure what that's about.)

And it just don't help that Aunt Flo is here. I'm like those women of the bible. I need to be in a tent on the edge of the city. Enough said.


So I called in sick today. I hesitated as usual. But I heard my doctor's voice, high and shrill, her chastising me...

"If you don't feel well, don't go to work! Please!"

This is good advice. I have over 700 hours of sick leave. So I need to use it, if I need it.

So I've been in bed all day long... sleeping on and off. I've been drinking cold water and orange juice. I feel a lot better. Not sure how I'll be tomorrow.

Maybe I need to go buy a coat, scarf and gloves.

And maybe I need to turn off the ceiling fan.

While I was laying here, my cell phone rings. It's my doctor's office.

My heart leaps for a moment when this happens. It's always about some test result. I must say, over the past 2 years it's been nothing bad. Last time it was some silliness.

"If you're taking supplements, please stop. Too much Vitamin B in your blood. And you have a slight Vitamin D deficiency."

I don't know what to do about that. I'm not taking supplements right now. And I'm not going to stop eating my vegetables and fruits. BITE ME.

And I'm not drinking milk. Any dairy I drink goes STRAIGHT to my mucus membranes. And I'm blowing snot the rest of the day. NO.

This time they called and were upset about my bill payments.

I have a balance of -$225.00. This means I have a $225 credit at my Doctor's office.

I am cool with that. Apparently the chick that does the billing isn't. She's new. She whined about it.

This happened a couple of years ago. I like to have a huge credit just in case I need a test. Trust, that $225 will get dented hard if I need a ecocardiogram, a 24 hour urine test, ultrasounds, Xrays, or a bone density test. So my remedy for that is a simple $25 dollars out of my check every 2 weeks to my Doc. I go every 6 weeks, and I don't have to worry about nothing. I can just walk in and out.

Some chick called me back then and told me stop doing my $25 dollar ritual. Result: I ended up with a $400 dollar bill somehow. I was HOT over this. And I didn't go back until I paid that amount off. (Some 10 weeks later).

But when I went back, Dr. B. and I had an interesting conversation.

"Lee, I haven't seen you in awhile."

"No you haven't," I said. I was sitting in a chair in the room (I REFUSE to get up on the exam table). "I'm here now."

We discussed some test results. My lupus was still active (as usual). We discussed a few more things.

She checked my joints for tenderness. "So, why haven't I seen you."

"Because I owe you money, Dr. B!"

She looked up at me. She's a slight indian woman, only 4'8" tall, but she has a mean stare, and will go off on me, making me all weepy. She could tell I was getting a bit excited. I could tell she was wondering what she had said to have my voice all pitchy.

"You know you can just come in and out. You get a bill, pay when you can. I just need to make sure you are alright. With this lupus, things can be okay one minute, and you fall off a cliff the next."

"But Dr. B.," I said. "I can't come in here and owing you money!"

I ran down what happen. And I was very DRAMATIC about it. I told her my method of dealing with my medical bills.

I had the shaky voice and lip quiver. Tried to produce a tear drop, but it didn't happen.

She picked up her stethascope and checked my heart. (I was having pleurisy isshas).

"You know, you can make your biweekly payments if you like. I don't have a problem with that."
"But that nurse who called me, she said I couldn't. Dr. B.! I just wanna make sure you get YOUR money!"

She put her stethascope in her pocket. "Hold on, Lee. I'll be back."

She left my room and went OFF on somebody. Man I hate to get people in trouble, but doggonit, if I got a system that works, go sit down and let me work it.

She came back, red in the face. "Lee, you be sure to do your biweekly payments. You won't have any more problems."

*lee cheesing hard like Celie*

I like my Doctor. She's a vegetarian, so I can pick her brain. There's no such thing as veggies with Vitamin D (we've been arguing about that), but overall, she's a good Doc, and has done well with keeping track of my progress and catching problems before they get too bad.

Now, there's a new chick in charge of billing... and she called me today, and we had a long convo, with the insane question of "Ma'am, I just got a check from your bank. Do you want me to destroy it?"

*lee kicking Oscar-Tyrone out of frustration*

"No. Cash that. Add it to my credit."

Looks like I'll be having another weepy talk with Dr. B. about this. Humph!

Really.

YaaaY MondaY!

Happy Cold Windy Monday Morning!!!

Am I supposed to be this excited about a Monday morning, where it is cold and windy, and there's a threat of rain!?

Yep! I choose to be.

LOL

I'd be more excited if it snowed today, too. That way I can stay at home.

And man... It's 22 degrees... wind blowing at 22 mph.

Terrible 2's!!

Anyway, it's a new week, a new day. And something wonderful willl happen today somewhere. Never fails. It always will. In the midst of the news constantly bombarding our minds with mess, something good will happen.

My weekend. I had a pretty good weekend. I was supposed to go to work on Saturday, but that didn't pan out. I had to wait on the serviceman to come back with the part to finish the repair of my dishwasher. It is one of those fancy smancy top of the line Jen-Air dishwashers, and they had to replace the whole digital panel. (I can't stand digital appliances. I long for the days of good ol' appliances with knobs. They worked SO much better.)

They didn't finish 'til about 2:30. I only wanted to work for 3 hours, but whatever. I can do what I have to do today.

I had the pleasure of hanging out with a blog and twitter sista yesterday, Mrs. Tazzee. I went over and watched the Falcons game with her and her crew.

She was trying to lure me over with messages of "We're having crabs!"

This seized me up that first time. Had to hit her back with "Get thee behind me, Tazzee, you temptress!"

LOL. Sometimes you gotta get old King James biblical on a person. LOL

She said a couple more times, I believe. Let's just say, I'm more amped to stop through if you say to me.... "We're having beans!"

There was a chance of snow on Sunday in the ATL, and it snowed indeed. I lay in bed, looking out the window, hoping it wouldn't stick, because I wanted to go on over there.

I'd been up since about 3:30 in the morning, and I don't know what I didn't think to wash clothes around then, but I washed around 10:00 am. Clothes weren't fully done and dry until about one o'clock.

And while I was waiting around for the clothes to be finished, I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies:




So I got over to Tazzee's house around halftime. And when she said she had crablegs? She had crablegs!



GLORY!

They sure looked good. Seasoned so well that you could smell the Bay seasoning wafting through the air. On top of that, she had some shrimps!

I didn't want any. When I got there, I did sit down next to the corn. That got my attention.

I didn't get any. I don't know, I wasn't hungry at the time (I had yellow corn grits, spinach and mushroom quiche, and soy sausage for breakfast so I guess that was still sitting with me).

But I wanted to throw a couple of pieces of corn in my pocket for later on. LOL

But uh rah... when Tazzee whipped up a salad? Oh you know I was all over that.

And she did the darn thing. You know I'm on my way to my vegetarian goal when I get geeked out of control over raw veggies. THAT WAS A GOOD SALAD! Made with the fresh spring baby lettuces, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots... a light sprinkle of cheese, a little ranch dressing.

*lee faints*

I tell you, straight up. I do believe that was the first time I was around some females who know and LOVE football, who yell, holler and clap when their teams do something good.

That is PRICELESS!!!

(I was a bit more serene. They hoop and holler like I do when I'm at home alone watching the game.)

That was sooooo exciting!!! Of course, I do what I do when I'm watching football: crochet. I'm working on a baby blanket right now, and I was busy whipstitching some squares together. I got so excited that I was sticking myself with the needle, and I messed around and stitched some squares together the wrong way.

What great fun... And they enjoyed the cookies. (I found out from someone there who really likes my cookies, that it's best to warm them gently in the oven versus heating them in the microwave. It helps to maintain the cookies consistency. O_o . Okay. Sounds good after I thought about it for a moment.)

So it was great to hang out. Almost felt like being at my own crib. And that's a good thang.

So thanks for having me, Tazz.

Tazz is good peoples. When I think of her, I think of how, a few months back, she jumped on an airplane and flew up to DC to support blogger Singlema's first 5K and run her first ever 5K race with her. And then she jumped on a plane and came on back to the ATL...

That's good peoples right there. Real good folk. And an Oldgirl likes good peoples! It was an honor to hang out with her.

So with that, I'ma gonna finish up.

Hey, I wanna thank you all for stopping through for spiritual week. I tried to give you lurkers a chance to win fabulous prizes! And there were some lurkers indeed, but ya'll weren't commenting. (Saw ya'll in the sitemeter though).

The comments left helped me immensely, and there was quite a bit of private emails concerning last week's topics.

I can't say that I get excited when it comes to posting up my spiritual thoughts, even though I think about that type of thing some 90% of the time. But I KNOW when someone makes a request, it is wholly essential and required that I put them up. It's a signal for myself that not only someone needs it, but I need to go take a second look at things, and take action. Which I did. I had a couple of powerful answers to some prayers, and great discussions concerning such with a couple of people I trust. (Convos about my feelings are hard for me. But they listened to my solutions. But it was very productive). A plan has taken shape for me. Not sure that would have happened as quickly as it did if I didn't post those notes, and really dig DEEP into them.

So I thank you Shai and MzInspiredMind for making those requests. I hope they helped you as much as they helped me.

If you commented on my 1000th post, or last week during spiritual week, you are eligible for the drawing for FABULOUS prizes. I'll have Cowgirl Cre pull some names from a hat today or tomorrow, and I'll post the winners.

Ya'll have a great week. On purpose.

Agitation - Personal Thoughts, Part II

Here I am with a rare Saturday post...

Actually I'm sitting here on the sofa, watchng Top Chef, and waiting for Jif.fy repair service to come finish the repairs on my dishwasher. Sigh.

I spent a couple of hours cleaning up, so the house is really really clean. What better time to finish up my personal thoughts concerning agitation?

Agitation is a terrible problem of mine. I think I've come a long way, as I've gotten older, to getting a lot better. So I was glad to hear a couple of messages concerning it. And I was forced to ponder it more with my postings here on my blog. Things are set up in such a way that when I need to go back and read things like that, I can find it quickly and easily. So that's a good thing.

I've been thinking much about exactly what irritates me...

What rents space in my mind, and needs some eviction?

There are 2 things that come to mind immediately.

1. People agitate me. Yeah, I know that's a broad statement. I guess I should explain further.

I have quite a few friends who have this incredible ability to deal with all personality types. I mean, they can look in the face of someone who has been dogging them behind their backs, and smiling in their face, and they let it roll off their backs like water.

I don't have that ability. If you use me, gossip about me, backbite me, threaten me, etc... I'm done with you. I especially detest folks who play psychological games. You would think that I've dropped off the face of the earth. I just don't do well with folks that mentally drain me, or with folks I have to really keep a watch on, and watch what I say or what I do.

LadyTee thinks this is understandable. She says this is because of the emotional abuse I've suffered under my mother all my life. "I've been sitting next to you since the age of 10, Lee, and I've watched you just take it. You've always sat quietly and calmly and taken it. So now, you don't play around with that type of thing."

She knows me better than myself.

So when mess goes down with people, I'm done. And the fear connected to that is that I just don't want to feel the way I felt as a child. Man, I just don't like being in bondage to people. I have a choice. And I choose to ignore you.

But I wish I could keep an even head like my some of my friends. And I just don't.

I know that sounds kind of strange. But it is something that has been bothering me over the past year or so. I've made strides in that area. One of my friends is like "Well, I talk to everyone, BUT, you know who and what you're dealing with." I'm learning to take that approach.

That's an area that I'm going to continue working on.

2. My job is a source of agitation. Man... if you read here for any length of time, you know that my job irritates the cheese out of me. MAN! And let's just say, I'm the happy employee at work, so you know I'm around disgruntled individuals, to the point that I've been afraid for my safety at times. You would think management would be a bit more competent and not pick the unstable employees to mess with. Geez.

I've really had to sit down and pray about it all, and really get some answers and directions. The job in itself isn't bad, it's just that people thing. (Go back to #1).

You may holler "Get another job, Lee!"

Uh, no. Because that is not the problem. My thoughts and prayers are a bit half-hearted at best concerning such. And when I'm not praying whole-heartedly about something, well... I might as well be picking fuzzballs out my carpet...

You know what it turns out to be? I've been doing chemistry for the last 23 years. I can't say that I am bored with it, but I've done all I've wanted to do in this chosen profession. I've hit all my accomplishment goals. I have a Masters. I have a doctorate. I've done research in the areas of organometallics, organoelectrical chemistry, drug design, synthesis, analytical, phytochemistry, food chemistry... I've even done interdisplinary work in microbiology and entomology. I've published numerous scientific papers, given talks all over the place. I've done some teaching. I make about 20% above of what I wanted to be making as a salary as a chemist.

When I look back over my 23 years in this area, I am at awe, and I am proud of myself... I am so thankful for my triumphs in the field, all I've learned, all I've been able to teach, and all I've accomplished. I'm so very proud of who I am as chemist, and proud of what I've done.

So therein lies the problem. I'm a little more interested in other things now. I don't feel a need to do all the brownnosing at work to get ahead, or playing all of these other games. My self worth is not dependant on getting ahead. Oh lawd, I DO NOT want to be in management. I don't see myself purposely hurting people (that seems to be their focus, for some bizarre reason. This is difficult to watch, and even more difficult when I'm the target.) Nope, I'm not the management type.

That is a revelation to me, and for some reason, it makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Hard to explain, but crystal clear to me. I'm a little freer now to concentrate on other areas of my life that need more development. And my goals will grow out of that.

Chemistry is my profession. It is how I make a living. However, Chemistry is not my life's purpose.

I am beginning to understand that I will find my joy and my peace in my purpose. Period. I think I've always known that. But now I understand that... and respect that .

Those are 2 areas that stand out in my mind, and are at the forefront: Working on my people skills, being able to deal evenly with people who are a trip, or who's personality clashes with my own "unique" personality. And setting goals that are more purpose driven or focused.

I'm looking to do and make moves to remove these areas of agitation, and regain the peace I so much desire.

Thanks for stopping by the House of LadyLee, and sitting a spell during spiritual week. I think it was a great way to start off my "next" thousand posts...

We will return to our regular scheduled programming on Monday :)

Agitation - Personal Thoughts

Agitation.

This mental state of extreme emotional disturbance.

That sounds pretty bad, don't it?

Yet, I haven't met yet one person in my life who hasn't had to deal with the area of agitaion, and it's relation to worry and anxiety, and its roots of fear.

I must admit, I'd been praying about this, some solution to my own areas of agitation. It's always been like a monkey on my back.

So I was glad when this subject came up. And my Pastor was talking of his battle, some 20 year battle, with it, and how he's found that one has to do the necessary work to understand agitation, and develop in this area of response to agitation, and to do what is necessary to have and maintain personal peace.

I did a little digging around looking for the aramaic, greek or hebrew root of the word agitation.

I didn't find anything immediate. That's why I'm glad I have an Amplified version of the bible, that stretches out a verse of scripture to include the hebrew and greek full translations.

But I did come across something that caught my eye: the relation of agitation to "shalom" or peace:

"A word study in the New King James version for SHALOM says: Completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord."

Hmmm... This peace. This "shalom". It is a most valuable asset. And I need to do what I need to do to develop in it, and hold on to it.

I find it funny that, if someone stole something material of mine, like my money, something like that, I do what I can to get my stuff back.

Yet, if the situations in my life have me agitated, and rob me of my peace, I become paralyzed. And worry and anxiety set in and have their way. Depression comes on in and has a seat. It may even bring some of its friends, anger, rebellion, deceit, hatred... and God forbid, Big Daddy might show up... i.e., suicide raises its ugly ugly head.

Negative emotions move in like squatters, taking over, taring up ish. Mental carnage and squallor are the results.

I have to do the necessary work, i.e., pick up my spiritual baseball bat and attack agitation... Open up a spiritual can of whoop azz on the situation. (Excuse my language. I just think I need to get violent with it).

I've had stellar examples of this in my life. My baby sister is good at doing what she needs to do to get her peace back. I know she don't mind me sharing this, as it is helpful. She had a bad breakup of a long term relationship a couple of years ago. She was angry, hurt, upset... basically agitated. She wallowed for minute.

She had to do more than come and talk to big sister LadyLee. (And we had our talks, man.)

She had to work on herself. This had affected her spirit. She had to do the necessary work to get her peace back.

I remember her getting some information on the area of work. She had find some type of tape series from church on it. (I tell you, we have extremely detailed info on any subject available if we look around for it). I think that was the quickest way for her to gather every piece of scripture quickly on the matter. She had a time of fasting and prayer.

I'm not sure of all she did. We didn't talk about it. I just remember sitting on the couch, crocheting or something, and she'd come share something with me from time to time. Heck, I didn't even know she was in a time of personal fasting. It was a private thing for her.

I was proud of her after the fact. To this day, she shares with me her understanding. Very proud of her for doing whatever she needed to do to combat her agitation and pain, instead of letting it marinate and take her even further into a dark hole.

A more immediate example is one from my baby blog sista Serenity, my "intannet BFF" (this is funny to me, as she thinks this of me). I really like her. It's been nothing but an honor to witness her arc of personal development over the years, and to share in that, as she is one of my most cherished confidants, and I am honored to be the same to her. So when she says or shares something that I can take and incorporate into my own life, I'm vigilant about being mindful and considerate of it.

Latetly, she'd been a bit disturbed that both houses on either side of her were vacant, after the occupants moved. Something like that, man, that will cause one's imagination to run wild in a negative way. She herself found herself getting over into fear. This fear over her safety of herself and her child... It was robbing her of her personal peace.

So she took action. She went up for prayer at church, got someone to pray with her over the situation. She gave me permission to share an excerpt from a post she wrote concerning it. I have highlighted parts that resonated with me. (From the post "Beating a Dead Horse" 11/17/10)

"When I was afraid the other day and really decided enough is enough, the prayer that the lady said with and for me at church kind of jolted me back to reality. Why am I sitting around afraid and playing the victim here? God gives me the power and authority to conquer anything that is troubling me.

When I picked Tyler up from his sleepover, I explained to him in the car that b/c our neighbors are gone, we have to be more cautious and remember to lock all doors and keep teh alarm on at home, but the first thing we are going to do is go into every single room in the house and pray. We are going to do this together.

I'm sure he wanted to protest. But as soon as we got in the house, we stopped in the foyer and I began to pray. Moreso, being thankful for the foyer, the living room, kitchen, dining room, etc. I talked to God about how all my life from even Tyler's age, I've always wanted and wished for a house. I talked about my struggles in fixing my credit and spending habits in order to be able to buy the house. I talked to him about why I wanted a house. I talked to him about all the times he has protected me from danger that I knew of and didn't know of. I must have spent the longest time thanking him for random things like the big window in my kitchen that I love and yet at night it makes me nervous b/c someone could be on the other side of it. For every fear I had regarding certain rooms or aspects of the house, I thought about how grateful I am for them.

It may seem trivial to you, but that night I got the best sleep. I haven't been afraid anymore. It also reminds me that we can chose to sit and wallow in fear or we can chose to be thankful for what we do have and pray about changes that we need."

To me, this was a stellar example of appropriate response to agitation, fear, anxiety and worry. And the church sermons on agitation, which were given a good week after this post, were my confirmation of my notes of what she did.

And further confirmation of the following scripture

Phillipians 4:6-7 Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.

Another version: Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I think here, I see how God affords a peace that will guard my thoughts and emotions.

Because that is what it's all about, right? Keeping my thoughts, feelings and emotions from being infected with the wrong thing. Because as you can see from scripture I've posted in the past couple of posts: Our life, the issues of our life, flow from our hearts.

And I don't know about you, but I want God's peace to be a gatekeeper, a guard over my thoughts and emotions.

(And I can NOW understand why it's necessary to be honest about my areas of unbelief, and how critically important the simple 6 word prayer of "Lord, help me with my unbelief" becomes. Sooooo important.)

That's all for now. I will do a post on what agitates me, and the steps I'm taking to rid that from my life. (And wouldn't you know it, from applying what I've learned here, I'm getting much needed answers... and peace.)

And with that... I say have a Happy Friday, and a great weekend.

And I leave you with my song of the week, with extra special dedication to my homegirl Shai... I think this will mean something to her.

This is one I listen to that reminds me to always maintain a spirit of thanksgiving.



To be continued...

Notes on Agitation, Part II

Continued from Agitation, Part I

The issue now is : work, work, work on your Peace.

A good definition of peace: security in the midst of turmoil.

"You can't keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair."

We will always have issues. Our issues don't have to have us. Problems arise. But when they do, go to your manual, the Word, and see what is said about your issue. Grab hold of that. And make up in your mind to believe that.

Life is too short to rent space in your mind to people and situations that agitate you.

Your purpose in life is too important to be derailed by worry and agitation.

If you can't conquer what's going on in your mind, then you can't conquer what's agitating you.

Additional scriptures (concerning worry):

Matthew 6:25-33

25Therefore I tell you, stop being [v]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?
26Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?
27And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the [w]span of his life?(B)
28And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and [x]learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.
29Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his [y]magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. [I Kings 10:4-7.]
30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?
31Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?
32For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.
33But seek ([z]aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness ([aa]His way of doing and being right), and then all these things [ab]taken together will be given you besides.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.

Phillipians 4:6-7 Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.

When you're worried or find yourself in a state of agitation, pray about it. Your antedote, as seen in the aforementioned scripture, is to be sure to operate in a state of thanksgiving. We all have a past, where God has answered prayers, seen us through, etc. Be diligent about remembering this and giving thanks continuously for this. This is your antedote to worry.

As a result, God's peace is given. That's what we are after.

This is a lot of information.

"Easier said than done, Pastor."

To which the pastor responds, "Whatever."

This is about getting developed in your peace.

Development in any area begins with starting SOMEWHERE. Development does not happen automatically. It takes conscious effort.

Make an effort to move towards perfection. Perfection is not about being flawless, but it is about being fully committed to continuous growth, evolvement, and change.

Know that when we develop in peace, we clear up the noise and static in our spirts, so that we can hear from God.

Okay, that's it for my notes. I think part II was a little more all over the place here, as I was trying to decipher my handwriting and bring it all together. But I think you get the picture.

I think what I got out of this overall is... I have to work on my thought life, and what's going on in my head, by renewing my mind to what the Word says, and allowing that to be my final authority on life issues, especially when it comes to fear, agitation and worry.

There's a LOT of info. Not just in the sermon, but there is so much that can be gleaned from the scriptures given. There is explicit instruction on what to do when the issues of life threaten to agitate you, have you emotionally disturbed: get involved with what the Word has to say, get in agreement with it, clear up your areas of unbelief, and basically rely on God. Period.

So, tomorrow, I will give my own personal thoughts (well more of it) on this, and how it applies to my life.