Friday Food for Thought: "The Dark Side"

My writing class has started back up. I was a bit antsy about it. I've been in the 10 week advanced workshop class, and let's just say, I have a large volume of work that I need to sit down, rewrite and edit. And honestly, it is too much for me to think about.

So, I went back to the 6 week beginners class. My teacher talks alot in that class, and I like the slower pace of it all. There are A LOT of writing prompts (which build on each other) which I absolutely LOVE. I don't have to turn in large volumes of material. I can generate large amounts easily, but my teacher is VERY thorough, and I can't wrap my mind around it all (Uh, I have way too many interests). I like the 6 week class because it is much shorter, and I can concentrate on quality a little better.

My teacher purses her lips and says "You know, it's okay to work on your regular things."

"But I want to work on the prompts. I generate new material."

She stares. I can tell she shudders inside.

She knows, and I know that I have TOO much material laying around.

Let's see, I have 10 short stories and three manuscripts laying around. There are some 25 characters living their lives, pondering things, caught up in some bullsh**, etc. I get bored with one story, I pick up another and move it forward just a smidgen. At that rate, I will NEVER finish anything. So she is working with me on one thing... FOCUS.

I suppose this is a "high class" problem. Let's just say, whatever prompt she gives, I have a story I can work on in conjunction with. For the next 6 weeks, I am working on a story I LOVE, entitled "Jawbreaker". I plan on submitting this before the year is up. Along with another I am finishing up.

Yay for me!

Anyway, she spoke about character last night, how a good character has a bit of shadiness to him. And how a dark character has a tad bit of goodness in him. In fact, every character has 3 sides: the good side, the dark side, and the unexpected side.

I have about 25 characters floating around in my head, speaking whenever they feel to speak. And I find that they are too polar, i.e., the good are TOO goody-good. The bad are bad to the bone. I have issues bringing in subtle flaws, however faint they may be.

And that is what I am searching for... something extremely subtle. Hidden, really. As in when you read, you have to pay attention to pick up on it. It is a hard thing for me to master.

She discussed this for a good fifteen minutes. I, as usual, take notes at a furious pace. I also had a list of characters written on a scratch piece of paper. I list some of their qualities, ideas for them, etc.

I raised my hand and asked a question.

"Does every character have to have a dark side?"

She thought on it for a moment.

"Well, LadyLee," she said. "The reson that I don't believe no one is ALL good or ALL bad is because I myself am not ALL good or ALL bad."

*Lee frowns hard*

Then she said something that left me with the *blank stare*

"Your true friends are true friends because you have unveiled your Dark Side to them, don't you think?"

I thought about it. Scribbled it down. Thought about my friends who have seen my Dark Side and love me no less for it.

"I suppose that is true."

"Does that help you?"

Yes it does.

I've worried much in the past about my "Dark side". Worry isn't the best word to use... I suppose I've been more concerned than usual.

August 2008 was the darkest month of my year. The darkest month of the last 3 years really. It was stuffed tight with alot of anger, confusion, total and utter disappointment in myself. There were a lot of monkey wrenches thrown into my smooth turning wheel, causing me to go off on a hard tangent, causing...

More anger.
More confusion.
More utter disappointment in myself.

I remembering firing off an email to a chick who has grown to become a great friend over the past few years. She sees me often enough, and knows a fair amount of my business, lol.

"Do me a favor. Tell me what you think of me, right here, right now. What I'm most interested in is what you consider my flaws to be."

She said she had a business meeting. And since it would take her some time to write, she would send it later that day.

**Ouch**

That scared me. But I knew she would be honest with me.

Well she sent me a thesis back... on ME.

The Dark side of LadyLee was no joke. Uh, she got it right. I must admit, she left a few things out, though. However, key things that I write in my personal journals about were there, shades of which weave themselves into my blog, were present and accounted for...

But after last nights class... I had an epiphany of sorts.

EVERYBODY has a good side. EVERYBODY has a Dark Side.

This goes for me too. My issue is that I was assuming that there was something wrong with me.

No there is not. I just have my "issues".

Just like the next person.

And for that, I will not apologize.

Man oh man, I've been doing so much of that lately. NO MORE.

However, it is important for me to be cognizant of the Dark Side.

I will work on being a better LadyLee...

And not be so hard on LadyLee.

I think I scratched those revelations down in my spiral notebook, right besides my notes on characters.

"Does anything I've said help you, LadyLee?" my teacher asked. She leaned in closer, awaiting my answer.

"Of course," I said, blinking back tears.

Never knew I would learn such personal truths in a writing class.

Go figure.

Let Me Explain

I can't believe how many years it's been since I've seen you.
And yet, you still have that same sad look in your eye, that look that says

"Don't Go. Don't do this."

But I explain to you now as I explained to you then that
I needed to leave.
I needed to find myself.
I needed to...go.

I explained it all, but I could tell you didn't believe me. You nodded your head and placed a finger to my lips to quiet me.

I didn't explain to you then but I explain to your now that I loved another.
He was there for me, a shoulder to lean on, when you had no time. And although you worked hard and took care of our family, he was there for me, even if it was to share a simple glass of wine.

Yes it's been many years, so many years filled with so many tears, far too many to count.

But I ask you again now, like I asked you then to not forget, but to simply forgive.

So I can go on with my life.


Afterword

Okay. I don't know what that was. It's not a poem, because you know the Oldgirl is not poetic AT ALL. It don't even flow right. And it's not quite prose. Not sure what it is. Humph.

But it is on my mind.

So let me explain.

I wrote this in about 2 minutes time, for my women's journal writing group.

The writing prompt was: Start with "I can't believe how many years it's been since..."

Is this story about me?

Nope. That story above looks to be about a married woman who left her husband for another man. I never did that. I've never been a wine person, either (well, Boones Farm - but no glass, straight out the bottle).

And I am known for being VERY evasive and terribly passive aggressive. I don't sit around trying to explain NOTHING to nobody. If I gotta explain myself, I run for the hills. (A bad habit, I know).

Not autobiographical.

Or is it?

I don't know.

It stems from me walking through a Wal-Mart one afternoon last year, minding my own business. I have no idea what I was shopping for. I don't think I even had a buggy.

When in through the front door, past the kindly greeter, walks in a man whose heart I broke many years ago.

We made eye contact.

I ducked into the greeting card section. Got a crook in my neck from turning too fast and too hard. I pretended I was reading greeting cards. Did that for about 5 minutes and then got the HECK out of dodge. I made a mental note to make sure I not frequent THAT particular Wal-Mart ever again. (Well, I've been there a couple of times since. You know how I am about trying to get over my fears.)

What would I have said to him if he walked up to me?

Hmm... I don't know. The sound of my heart beating hard in my chest would've drowned out all conversation.

But over the years, when I've gone through ish with men, I wonder if it's punishment for breaking that dude's heart.

I remember laying in bed in the dark with the ex-husband once, and him whispering...

"You still think about him, don't you?"

Hmm... I said the answer that was appropriate at the time.

I don't know what that quick story means. There's a story all up in there, though.

I'm not going to worry myself about it.

Therefore-

I will go on with my life.