A Woman after God's Own Heart: A Review and Personal Thoughts

*dedicated to Serenity3-0

Over the past 45 days or so, I've been working through a most interesting workbook.

A Woman After God's Own Heart Workbook by Elizabeth George.

It came along at a time when I was just really sad and upset and didn't know what to do with myself.

Serenity sent me an email about some book she wanted me to work through with her.

(I think she has annointed me her personal chaperone or something, lol)...

I immediately saw it as something that would help me to get some type of focus back into my life. Sure, I was doing my day to day things, still trudging along, but I needed something to get my mind back where it needed to be.

And this book was definitely the key to that.

It took 2 hours worth of driving to find it (I had it held at one bookstore on the southside, but had gone to the wrong store), but I finally found it. I sent her a text saying "I must really love you, because I have been driving a long time trying to cop this book).

Now, reading with Serenity is a funky situation. It is close to impossible to read a book with her. I do better to read and discuss a book with The LBeezy. That works well with us.

But not with Serenity.

Scenario:

"Chicken [my pet name for serenity], we gonna read 3 chapters a day."
"Okay," she says.
"Are you sure, Chicken?"
"Yes. that'll work," she replies.
"Okay, don't jump ahead."
"I won't."

Next thing you know, I get a text saying "I finished the book."

Meanwhile, I'm stuck back on chapter 4. I read slow, at the pace Miss Celie was reading when she was first learning to read that Oliver Twist book. Not sure how I got a doctorate degree with my reading skills, but it is what it is.

Serenity knows this and outpaces me to the point of finishing the book in a couple days.

Then I call her up and verbally shank her REAL good. To which she laughs.

Sigh. Baby sistas can be a problem.

But this book was different. It meant sitting down with one lesson a day, and doing a lot of writing and thinking. That slows everything waaaay down. So she was at least able to stay on program, although she flippantly mentioned in some post that she wanted to do more, and she knew I would cuss her out if we did.

Girl, I wouldn't cuss you out. I would knock you upside the head with my Book of Cuss, though. LOL

Our plan was to read a lesson a day, even on the weekends. There were 45 lessons. We would discuss it via email, and on the weekends, via facebook email. Last weekend, I was slack about putting my thoughts up in facebook email, and that chick called me and we had a phone discussion (Don't do that again, girl. I was trying to crochet and you threw me off). This worked pretty well.

But today, we've done the last lesson, so we are finished. And this book was the focal point of last quarter. It really truly helped me get back focused on what is truly important. It is still hard to keep my attention on what is truly important, with all the stress I've been experiencing on the job lately, but I intend to go back through certain lessons that helped me the most.

I think Serenity has been giving her thoughts on and off about this workbook. You have to search for them, as she posts 2384 times a day, lol... But I can tell you from our daily discussions that it has had a positive affect on her... and me too.

But I haven't given my thoughts on blog...

Anyway, I wanted to go over some of the things I learned from this book...

1. It was a great way to learn to study your bible if you have no idea how to do that. I like the way it was set up: whatever the subject matter was, there were several scripture you needed to look up concerning it. Most memorable were the scripture involving many of the people of the bible, people who not only made good decisions, but people caught up in really bad situations and making bad decisions. This workbook really forced me to sift through that and think about it, and it's application to myself.

2. There was a hard focus on the quality of one's prayer life. And if you don't know how to pray or what to pray about, this is THE workbook to get to COMPLETELY solve the issue in your life.
I pray, and get a lot of answered prayer, but this book forced me to write a lot of my personal issues down and to immediately pray about them.

The most critical and poignant question asked in this book was the following:

What life concerns are robbing you of your peace at this very moment?

I challenge you to sit down and answer that question... NOT in my comment section, but on paper, quietly to yourself.

Me and my friend spent some time journaling about this when I was vacationing in sunny Mexico last month. She's a journalling sister, so we were down for that.

I answered it, and it helped me fill in many of the cracks in my prayer life, and I've gotten many good results behind that. We had some pretty candid discussions about that. I know Serenity has formed a pretty good prayer journal behind this, and so have I. I think Serenity has developed a pretty good knack for praying and interceding for others, and that's a VERY good thing.

I plan on sitting down and writing a personal answer to the aforementioned question once a month or so, just to keep my prayer life centered.

3. There was much discussion on decision making. Again, if you are having trouble making decisions, this book will jack you up out of that. One of the most important truths I read in the book, and there was much scripture to back it up is:

Every decision you make either progresses your spiritual growth or inhibits your spiritual growth.

A short statement, but I really had to think about it, and it is most definitely true.

4. There were 2 weeks worth of lessons on being a proper wife and mother. I am neither one of these, as I am not married and I don't have any children. But suprisingly, this was one of the parts of the book that Serenity and I had the most discussion about. It caused me to reflect on my failed marriage quite a bit, which I didn't expect. And there's much that needs to be known if I ever decided to marry again. A suprisingly good section indeed.

5. I found the one week section on building, maintaining, and watching over your home to be very good. I got A LOT of good things done around my house that week. A lot.

6. Each lesson ended with a real life scenario, and we were to describe how we would deal with that situation, or how we would counsel these people. The problem was, some of these scenarios were some straight up craziness, i.e., they would make a helluva Lifetime movie. I wailed and hollered about this. Serenity was calm about it all. I know the author must've picked these up from real life situations, and I learned from it that we all have our own problems, and no matter how bad it looks, there are way to deal with it.

7. I learned overall, and this was a common theme of the book, that you must be continuously pouring into other's spirits. You can't be like the Dead sea: like standing water, never giving, never receiving. Always share what you are learning, always be giving into another person or situation... Do some things to help others grow or get ahead, and it will in turn help you.

Very good lesson... and it gives you a little glimpse (for those who know me) of why I do what I do. The discussions in this workbook will strenghthen me in that direction.

7. The most helpful sections to me were those on spiritual growth in many areas (giving, mental, social, service to others). It provided a good roadmap for such, and a guage for where I'm at. I must admit that I got terribly critical of myself in some of our discussions, because there is soooo much stuff that I can be doing, to which Serenity hollered

"You're one of the best people I know, LadyLee".

*Lee kicks the hard lip quiver*

Thanks for the endorsement, Chicken.

(Inside joke... don't get mad at me. This is my pet name for her, and for some reason she likes it, lol).

There was so much more that I learned from this workbook, but won't talk about here, in an effort to be brief (which you KNOW is impossible for me).

Thanks Serenity for allowing me to chaperone you through this workbook, lol. You know, as a big sister, I have to continuously monitor your activities.

I know you were thinking to yourself "What can I do to pick Leezie up off the floor?" because I was in such a bad place emotionally after Nikki's passing. No one knew what to do with me, but this helped me get back some semblance of normalcy and going forward. One of the things I will forever rememeber about my recent vacaction in the Mayan Riviera was waking up in the mornings before dawn, saying my prayers, and working on my workbook lesson for the day...

So I thank you for that...

Nothing like a Chicken swooping down out the sky and coming to the rescue.

You're a good friend indeed, Ma.

Sooo... I will continue to reference this book. I didn't write in my book, but put aside a journal for my answers and thoughts. I have 50 pages of good material in my journal to guide me in the right direction. It really set me on course to some important things, and helped me understand the who, the what, the why and the how to getting my spiritual growth together, and things I need to change.

So, I said I was giving away a third book, and this is it.

So, this is part of my quarterly personal assessment spiel... and I'm already giving away 2 other books...

I'm giving away this one too, along with a nice journal.

Now you better comment if you want a chance to win. I have A LOT of Serenity lurkers over in these parts. That chick has been hollering about this workbook, and I haven't. (I leave that up to her, as she posts 592 times a day).

So any commenting this week and last week is up for the drawing.

If you don't win... get this book. There is something in it that will steer you in the right direction.

Loss...

Still continuing with my quarterly assessment...

Loss...

Makes me think of one person these days.

The low point of last quarter for me was the loss of my friend Nikki, who I affectionately called "ATLien Nikki".

This really busted me up something terrible, because it was so unexpected. I really don't want to talk much about it, as although I am doing better with each passing day, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and the impact of her friendship on my life.

I am just glad that I am not a crying mess like I was. I haven't cried much since mid-September.

I got a little choked up at my last visit to my immunologist.

I was staring at her as she was reading through my chart, telling me that my cholesterol was great, and that my numbers look good. The lupus was still active (it has never been in remission), but my numbers were much better. She was happy with my weight loss. I didn't say anything. I was busy blinking back the tears forming fast in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"My friend died," I found the courage to say. "Of dermamyotitis, or something like that. I can't pronounce it. I know it's autoimmune. Do you treat people with that? I've read up on it, but I don't understand it. The symptoms are similar to my own, but I just don't understand."

She stopped me in the middle of my rambling. I never talk that much.

She said she did, and she had patients with it, and took some time to explain it to me. She usually talks "up" to me, since she always says "You a doctor, LadyLee, I know you don't want me keeping it simple."

But this time, she took time to explain it to me in a simple manner.

She talked of how there was usually something that went along with it and it had to be caught pretty fast. She then lectured me on how this is why she runs so many tests on me, many of which catch anything that creeps up on top of my own illness.

I nodded as she explained. It all made sense, what she was saying.

But it doesn't take away the pain.

I loss my friend.

This terrible thing happened, and you know, I don't expect people to understand. Nikki wasn't my best friend. A close friend, but not a best friend. But for some reason, people expect you to just pick up and keep it moving... like nothing ever happened.

I know this from sitting at Nikki's parents table, talking to her best friend.

"Lee, I don't know what to do. She was me, I was her. And people are tripping saying stuff like 'Girl, you acting like this was your man or something. Why are you so upset?"

That messed my head up. For the best friend is of higher magnitude than your man.

The best friend is the one who picks up the pieces when that man is tripping, or after the breakup.

The best friend is the costar of your life. My own best friend, LadyTee, has been the costar of my life for 30 years.

I'm suprised Nikki's best friend didn't beat the brakes off of whoever was saying such awful things.

And they were awful things to say.

And I can only imagine how Nikki's best friend feels. Me and Nikki had been friends for about 3 years.

Our friendship hadn't become close until this past year and a half.

She would listen to me cry.
I would listen to her cry.
She would let me know when I was wrong.
I'd let her know when she was wrong.
She celebrated my victories.
I celebrated hers.
She'd pray for me.
I'd pray for her.
She'd helped me out in some situations.
I'd helped her out in some situations.

To the point where we could look at each other and be like "Yo, that's my friend right there. That's who I KNOW got my back."

You don't really expect that out of someone you meet through blog. I met a TOTALLY different person, a bit different from who she was on blog. The same ol' Iniquitous One, Nikki, but with so many more layers...

So, there has been some distance. Nikki's been gone for close to 2 months. I am not the sniveling mess I was for so long. I can't remember a time when I'd cried so much. It feels good not to cry so much.

And I know people are wondering why I was so upset...

There are several reasons.

1. I have never lost a good friend before. I mean, we lose people, we are sad and hurt, but this was something totally different, to the point where I was wondering if I will ever feel alright again?

And it is rare to meet good folks as we get older. You know how we get all set in our ways. For me, my really tight friendships were cemented when I was younger. It's that way for me because people know the total "arc" of who I am. There are no judgments, they love you for just being you.

It was that way with Nikki and I. It hurts to lose that, as it is rare.

2. It was difficult to look at my friends after this. That question was swirling in my mind "What if something happens to you? What will I do?"

So I was isolatory. (Is that a word?) I needed to be alone with my thoughts. Didn't want to look at people, but was forced to. I am thankful for some semblance of returning to normalcy, but it was hard. I think I was suppose to go to a party the night of Nikki's funeral, and I could not bring myself to do it. People who know me well, know I can't up and fake it out when I am upset, sick or sad. I tend to be to myself. I don't apologize for that.

And with the added weight of looking at people and thinking "I hope you don't die, too," is difficult to bear.

I still think about that. I am still getting through that.

3. It is TOUGH to watch someone my age, with an illness very similar to my own, to die. I mean, it was unexpected and that was a shock in itself. It was tough just to see her deteriorate. It was tough to see her on constant oxygen. Just tough to see someone so vibrant and active at one time to be so sick.

I remember, maybe a couple of years ago over dinner, when I told her I had lupus, and had questions for her, since it ran in her family. She and I had issues after that because she was ALWAYS worried about me, and I had to get her to the point where she would treat me like I was "normal". We had a couple of spats over that. But as recently as this past March, I could see her pause whenever I cough, or her hard squint at me if I wasn't feeling well...

And it just really messes with the mind to see something similar hit her so suddenly and take her away from here.

It is difficult looking at the urn of ashes of a close friend.

Very difficult, and it really messes with the mind.

All this worrying about stuff... the type of cellphone one has, the type of car one has, etc...

It's all very minimal and moot.

Life can end... just like that.

It makes me think about what is truly important. Very much so.

4. I've never had anyone close out a friendship before. I like to believe that this is what she did. I didn't understand this until talking with some of her other friends and family. She'd done the same thing with her best friend. Nikki died on a Sunday, and I was to spend the Friday before that with her. But she wouldn't let me come around. Of course I knew she was bedridden, and heck, didn't bother me one bit to just jump in on the other side of the bed.

I got a little upset about that, but she said she was having a bad day. Turns out she was telling everybody that.

But maybe a couple of weeks before, I'd spent time with her. I had to say it was one of our best face to face convos, one of those life convos that you have with your girlfriends while you do each other's hair, or something like that.

We talked about much that night. We talke about when I almost died from my own illness, that whole body-shutting-down process. We even looked at an obituary of some cousin of hers who had just died of an autoimmune illness and had much discussion about that.

I didn't think much of this. No foreshadowing or anything. I was just happy to see my friend that day. She wasn't up to getting out of bed that day, so I had moved all her books and stuff off the other side of the bed and jumped in with her.

(Learned that from my best friend LadyTee. When I was bed ridden at the age of 15 (dislocated knee) and at the age of 32 (lupus complications),LadyTee would come over every afternoon after work and jump in the bed next to me and watch tv and make me laugh. Weird at the time, but comforting...)

Nikki gave me a hug, kissed me on my cheek and told me she loved me when I was leaving. She was too weak to walk me to the door.

And that was the last time I saw her. And I think that she wanted it that way.

I can only hope when my time comes, I have the chance to say goodbye to my friends and let them know what they mean to me. I really do.

Those are the main reasons why this bothered me so much. Nikki was someone I talked to every day and for that to be over hurts a lot. These days, I think of her genuiness toward me, especially in light of people who you think are your friends really probably aren't.

I miss the realness of her friendship. I am realizing how rare it is to have that in my life...

I am understanding that in all its rarity, not to ever take such for granted.

These days, I feel better. I hang out with her family from time to time. It is good to be around her people, and they are going on. I think her Mother had some of her friends "on program", i.e., we all had to take turns coming over, going through and helping sort out some of Nikki's things. I sorted through much of her yarn. Nikki was always hollering about us making little caps for newborns and donating them to the local hospital. I've decided to carry that little "dream" of hers on, and I've made that one of my goals for 2010.

So there is healing... with time.


I am glad of that.

I will forever miss my friend, for she was a TRUE friend, through and through.

I can only hope I was for her what she was for me.

I was fortunate to know you, Nikki. I truly was. My true friendships, well, I am more aware and thankful for them now because of you.

I thank God for our paths crossing. I never knew that us being fans of each others blogs would lead to such an important life friendship...

You will forever be in my heart.

Cacophony

When pondering my life the last few months
I close my eyes and I see many words
Words
Words
A cacophony of words
Circling all about my head
At times beautiful like songbirds
Serenading me
Loving me with their beautiful voices
At times ugly like vultures circling and circling
Laying in wait for my most vunerable moments
Waiting to strike
Chewing me up
Taking me out

Words
Words
A cacophony of words
Swirling all about my head
Falling down suddenly
Landing at my feet
A disheveled mess
A pattern so intricate
that I don't recognize
Or I can't understand

GOD
Hurt
Pain
Laughter
Stagnant
Confusion
Loss
GOD
Tears
Selfishness
Path
Intercession
Romance
Ache
Compassion
Death
Confusion
Guilt
Charity
Bitterness
Feelings
GOD
Crush
Love
Hate
Prayer
Shame
Quiet
Reconciliation
Vegetarian
Decisions
Confession
Cry
Bond
Sincerity
GOD
Life
Exposure
Faith
Impatience
Fear
Questionings
Bondage
Scream
Affirmation
GOD
Anger
Friendship
Smile
Imagination
Memory
Surrender
Confusion
Hope
GOD


Words
Words
A cacophony of words
A dishelved mess at my feet
A pattern so intricate
I don't understand
Can barely explain.

That is the gist, the bare essence, of my personal assessment for the third quarter of this year. The very core of all the feelings I've had, some of which I won't even discuss in upcoming posts, much of which I will. But it was quite a trying time for me, as some events overshadowed and swallowed up happier moments.

All events have helped me evaluate myself, and although sometimes painful, have helped me grow as a person.

They've helped me grow as a woman.

Seems like so much is happening, faster and faster, as I approach the wise age of 40.

So much has happen.

So much to ponder indeed.

Fowl Lessons

I went on a trip back in July to the west coast of Florida, not for vacation, but for work purposes.

It was one of those things when a command from the Ivory Tower (the offices of our illustrious leader) that I should go since I'd had training on a particular piece of equipment, and that more training would be provided.

I was sore over this. I absolutlely don't like traveling for the gub'ment. It involves MUCH paperwork and authorization. And on a 2 week trip some 7 years ago, my lupus got really bad and I spent some time in the hospital afterwards.

This Oldgirl don't like business travel AT ALL...

I didn't say no to my boss. She is deftly afraid of the King. I would've hated for her to have to go down to the Ivory Tower and bow and say "That Oldgirl said 'Ya'll can go sit on a tack! She ain't going NOWHERE."

I just went. Free trip away from the laboratory.

I'd been there before. The conference was taking place at a resort on the beach. Nothing swanky, but a resort, no less.

I decided to make a vacation out of it. Well, vacation after the day's lectures and trainings.

For I knew the way to the beach...

I was familiar with the sway of a palm tree.



I knew about the selling of sea shells by the sea shore...



And I knew how to appreciate a good sunset.

I also knew of how to sway the hearts of seagulls.

One of my favorite things to do after our sessions let out was to go down to the beach and feed the sea gulls. I'd bought a couple packages of the cheesy goldfish to snack on during the session...

The birds seem to like them. I was by far the most popular Oldgirl on the beach, for sure.

And I make sure whenever I have an occasion to provide sustenance to birds, I do so.

For it is a lofty reminder of Matthew 6:25-26 (CEV)

"I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?"

I, LadyLee, am worth more than a bird. I have worth.

I also captured some really nice flight shots of the birds.

I REALLY love this one. This is by far the best photo I have ever taken.


I was tossing crackers high in the air, over my head. My specialist "Wang" ran across the sand towards me, arms flailing, hollering to the top of his lungs, "Stop it LadyLee! Stop that! They're gonna sheet in your head! THERE'RE GONNA SHEET IN YOUR HEAD!!!!"





I laughed at him. Whatever. They didn't "sheet" in my head. LOL





A young girl yelled "Mommie, Mommie, the birds are following the lady! They're following the lady!"

"No dear," she said. "They are following her because she is feeding them."



Yes, I was feeding them. I had something they wanted.

They were only around because of what they could get from me, only because of what I had to offer.

Not because they loved me.

Not because they wanted the best for me.

Not because they had any concern for my hurt, my pains and my tears...

None of that.

Only because of what they wanted something from me.

I thought about this as I marched up and down the beach, a flock of seagulls marching in step behind me.

Life is about motive and agenda...

Business and pleasure go hand in hand, but people and motives... well, you have to examine those closely. It is more difficult than the obvious desires of mere fowl. More complicated than a solitary walk on the beach.

Even more strenous and complicated to discern and display honesty and sincerity concerning my own motives and agendas... which I am well practiced in.

And with that, I think I am taking it too deep. Let's keep this about business, pleasure, beautiful beaches, and birds who simply adore me...

But... It's funny what you learn from leading hungry birds along a sandy beach...

The "F" Word, Part II

I had an "F" word for the first quarter of the year.

Not the cuss word. (Get your mind out the gutter).

That "F" word was forgiveness... even did a post on my feelings about it.

I even have an "F" word for this quarter.

Finances

This quarter was an interesting time for my finances. No, there was no major blow or anything.

There was a major triumph, followed by a cancellation of said triumph... and it was just enough to blow the wind out of my sales.

Last quarter I paid off a credit card.

Not just any old credit card. It paid off the first credit card I ever I got, back when I was in college. I got it when I some 21 years ago.

It started out with a 500 dollar limit.

Can't mess that up, right? That's pretty low.

Well, over the years, the limit ballooned up to 25,000 dollars.

No, I've never kicked up past that limit.

But this was THE credit card for me. It was my crutch allll through college and grad school. I think it reached it's highest limit, some 11,000 dollars, some 12 years ago.

Some time after that, I just stopped using it. Well, used it sparingly.

And it began to go down (real slow like, though).

Thanks to my time over the past 3 years with my Financial Freedom Possee, and the things I have learned there, I am proud to say that I paid the entire balance off.

What helped is that it was converted to a low interest lockbox loan some 3 years ago. That helped me pay it off quick.

And it was great to get the following letter in the mail:




That right there? That made it real.

Made me feel real good.

But some things happened that blew the wind out of my sails.

My laptop crashed. I had to cop a new one.

I decided to buy a tablet, as I've been wanting one for years. The thing is, it's on a payment plan. True enough, it will be paid off before year's end, but it is an unwanted expense.

My cell phone broke on the day Michael Jackson died. I dropped it (for the umpteenth time) and something snapped. The thing was ringing off the hook, but there was no way to answer it, and no display.

So I bought a new one:



Very cheap indeed. But it wasn't in the budget.

These two things blew the wind out of my sails.

Let me rephrase that: I allowed these two things to blow the wind out of my sails.

And they shouldn't have. I could've easily just not bought these items. They are "luxury" items, things that I don't need to survive.

And they showed me how important getting debt free is to me. It is important, but not critically important.

I believe I was about 4 months away from being debt-free (not including the mortgage).

That has stretched out a bit.

Some think I can simply write a check and just be done. It amazes me that folks think I am swimming in cash. I think it's great. It always makes me smile.

And you can tell by the 80,000 dollar Benz sitting out in the three car garage of my 10 bedroom house. And I do wear a lot of Jimmy Choo and Versace.

LOL!!

Nope. I drive a little Mazda beater. My house is a VERY small 3 bedroom/2 bath. And I don't own one piece of designer clothing or shoes.

I have to put other things first before the big luxuries... like medical bills, mortgage, being of a little help to family, and just saving my money the best I can...

But right now, I have to not get the mindset of "this is impossible".

I am fighting that. I mean it is a terribly bad mental fight, it is. I have been cowering in a corner at the FFF meetings.

But the thing is, most importantly, I am AT the meetings.

For I need to hear those words... a couple of hours a month, I need to converse with my sistas about money. I always come away feeling better, and come back with a plan.

And each month, I can say that some debt is being reduced.

And that letter above... I keep it posted on the back of my bedroom door, along with other financial goals and triumphs. I like to take it down sometime and read it, feel it and hold it in my hand, as evidence of it actually being possible.

No, I am not sitting here bitching about money. There are people out there who have serious financial problems. Very serious. I would never cheapen or disrespect that by whining about money.

I am just more concerned with my mindset concerning my finances.

The way you think about things ends up determining the direction you go in life.

And right now, I have to make sure I think positively about this "F" word. Never mind looking at the issues, just think differently about the issue.

Attitude determines altitude.

Gotta think differntly about the "F" word. I MUST have the right attitude about it all.

And that is what I am determined to do and have.

So... this concludes my quarterly assessment. I've looked off and on over the past 2 weeks at things that have happened over the 2nd quarter of this year that have affected my life.

Be sure to comment on any of those posts, including this one if you want to be included in the book giveaways. This is your last chance. The winners will be announced on Monday.

Thanks for taking this journey with me: with all it's highs, lows, and in between.

I'll holla at you on Monday. I am off to enjoy my weekend.

You be sure to do the same. On purpose, of course.

The Big Break Up

I've been wanting to write about this but had to get a little distance from it to properly think about it.

Although I must admit that I'm not all that suprised about it.

The effect it had on me, well, it suprised me, and was something I didn't expect.

And it revealed something about myself that I do not like, that bothers me badly.

Last quarter, my beloved book club broke up.

Well, not exactly broke up. Let's just say, most people split, went there own way.

Why?

Because of shady leadership.

"Shady" ain't the nicest word. Not at all. It implies dishonesty. It implies folk act one way in your face, but are doing something totally different behind your back.

It implies something about your character.

As we all know, your TRUE character is revealed based on what you do when no one's looking.

Ugh.

That is harsh, but it is what it is.

Anyway, here is what happened.

Now, I had been a member of my book club since late 2005. I really loved it. There was a high membership, and I really loved the books that we read. I also met a bunch of really nice chicks, who've become great friends, women I truly respect and am glad to know. And I loved the fact that I could just be who I am, and not have to be something I wasn't. I like it when I accepted for simply being me.

Everything was "kume-bah-yah!!"

But, I would say in the past year, I hadn't been all that enthusiastic about my book club. I was enthusiastic about the OFFSHOOTS of my bookclub, namely the journal writing group and the Financial Freedom Possee.

So, I hate to admit it here, but the offshoot groups were the only reason I was still a member of the bookclub. I didn't want to lose being part of those 2 groups. Really.

And besides, Atlan.ta Wr.iters Club met on the same Saturday as book club, so I was hanging out with them, too. Sort of splitting my time between the two. If we were reading a book I didn't find interesting, I wouldn't read it, and I'd go to the AWC meetings. And vice versa, if the AWC was having speakers I wasn't interested in, I'd go to book club meeting.

Fair enough deal, right?

Well, I noticed something else happening: chicks started quitting the book club.

I wondered why people were dipping, but didn't think too much of it. Only in passing.

Because you see, I am always off...

over there...

way over there...

Out of the way doing other things I enjoy doing.

Then I noticed that some of the leadership began to split.

I was like... what the heck is up with that? I mean, the reasons given were that people were too busy to be a part of it, etc...

I accepted it, but uh... these were inner circle people. People who had been in the book club a loooooong time.

Now, step out on the back porch of the House of LadyLee for a sidebar.

I, LadyLee, PRIDE myself on not being a part of any clique... I've never been in what is termed "The inner circle" at any time of my life. I take immense PRIDE in that.

I like the fringe negroes. The sistas who are on the fringe, the outcasts. They tend to be more interesting. They are individuals who tend to stomp to the beat of their own drums.

I like that. A WHOLE lot.

But the inner circle peeps were hauling a** up out of the book club.

Hmm... that confused me. Caused me to raise an eyebrow.

And what REALLY threw me for a loop is when the book club treasurer got the heck out of dodge.

What???

And THAT is when all the trouble started.

In a nutshell (and I won't go into it), there was some seriuos embezzling going on. Serious.

By our president.

Not the treasurer. That chick is NOT like that. She had all kinds of safeguards in place against that type of thing. And when she left, and turned all accounts over to the club, those guards came down. And the money got messed up.

Heck, I don't feel bad putting it out there. We already know. I saw copies of the checks. (ALL that stuff was blind copied out by someone else who was on the account and discovered the craziness).

And it was some ol' bootleg craziness: writing a check to others and they cash it.

I don't know WHAT that was about. WOW. That's that OLD SCHOOL embezzlement type scheme right there.

And to top it off... It's really daunting to see book club funds being used to pay Comcast and water bills, too. Really.

(I NEVER knew one could owe Comcast 500 dollars. Never. WOW).

Now I can't judge folks. Just stating the facts.

When you come up on hard times, you do what you gotta do. That sometimes includes cheating folks. It sometimes includes buckling down and doing the hard honest work to get back on track.

The latter is harder than the former.

But.

There are some laws out here one just can't get around.

(I know, because I have tried. Just like everybody.)

That law is:

Your mess will find you out.

Period.

Parliament alluded to it best in their song "One Nation under a Groove":

You can't get over it. You can't get under it. You can't get around it.

You just can't.

Baby... I have tried. It is impossible.

Whatever is done in the dark eventually comes to light.

And let's take it a bit deeper, shall we?

Those bad habits that you don't take care of will eventually be the source of your downfall.

*crickets*

(Okay, that was tooooo deep for you. Let's just stick with the surface truths, i.e., Your mess will find you out.)

Embezzling is a bad habit, ain't it? I suppose so. It kinda snowballs out of control.

You keep doing that mess, and it will find you out!

And I knew something was up when the group treasurer left and sent an email out telling exactly how much was in our book club account. I was thinking, "That's odd, that's a good amount of money. Why do they nickel and dime us so much?"

Hmm...

But it all came out. Back in February, I went on a cruise with one of the chicks that quit the club. We had a good loooong talk about things over in Mexico.

'Tis a shame we gotta be in a whole nother country to talk freely).

But I found out a lot of stuff. We all have done much talking, after the fact.

And it all came out.

Now, I wasn't all that suprised by this. Just the way this person was acting... well, it didn't totally suprise me.

Plus she'd been ducking and dodging peeps something terrible.

But something did suprise me, and really blindsided me:

The terrible hurt my book club sistas experienced.

That REAAALLLLY bothered me.

I really like these ladies! We are diverse as night and day. I like that! And I hated seeing them hurt!

Look, let me tell you something about me. I don't expect much out of people. Especially when little "signs" go up of them possibly being a little "off". And I think that comes from me not wanting to be the center of attention, and not really expecting people to live up to my expectations. I will always be working to live up to my OWN expectations, and I am constantly examining and working on myself. So if people slip and fall, or do something crazy, well, all things are possible. That happens. I ain't gonna bash you up about it.

I'll just be over there...

Waaaay over there somewhere... doing my own thang.

(Not sure if I explained that good enough. I am complicated like that, I suppose).

But this woman hurt friends who were a good ten years deep with her. And come to find out, there has been a whole bunch of lying, a whole bunch of other stuff going on. To mess over your inner circle like that? Wow. Leaves me speechless.

Me? Well, I wasn't a part of her inner circle. I think I was a little too fringe for all that.

And book club is a small sliver of the pie that makes up the Whole Ladylee.

And it was hard for me to deal with my book club sistas' pain. I mean, we did a lot of talking. People were truly hurt.

And I realized something about myself: I am terribly empathetic. I was more hurt because my book club sistas were hurt, then about the situation itself.

This is something I can't stand about myself.

I am usually like that about my brother and sister when they go through drama with our Mother. I get a bit upset about that.

But with my book club sistas, it took me for a loop.

Some wanted to know my thoughts and feelings on it all.

I wrote the following to a friend, and later placed it in my diary. I've told my book sistas some variation of this:

Nothing starts off big, but always small, at a level that, if caught, can be tamed. This whole situation made me sit down and really examine and be honest with my ownself, and look deep into my own heart, to make sure that there are no strange seeds that can grow into something like what happened, where I am hurting people. You have to be honest with yourself and irradicate these things. Easier to dig up a little seedling than a 500 year old Oak tree. That's how I look at personal development. We should be constantly trimming and pruning our hearts.

Yes, I've hurt people in the past. Was it my fault? At times it was, at times it wasn't. I know lately I know I have to be careful to discern betweenst the two. If I am wrong I am quick to apologize. At the same time, folk have gotten an attitude with me because I wasn't doing what they thought I should be doing, i.e., playing into their entitlement isshas.

(I fail miserably at such).

No I'm not perfect.

BUT, I think we all are in, our own personal worlds, perfect.

And what happened with the book club caused me to pause and take stock.

For we all think we got it together, standing strong in a little room, windows and doors shut tight, everything taken care of.

But we forget to take care of the little cracks, holes, and crevices... those habits and circumstances that appear seemingly insignificant. Those unchecked areas, THAT'S where things can go wrong and barrel out of control before we know it.

Oh, I got away with this, got away with that, it ain't nothing.

But it grows into something big... and it hurts not only ourselves, but all those around us...

I don't want to get to that point. And I must admit, I had to, and still have to make the little tiny corrections. Or at least be cognizant of what is wrong, and what I must change, even though I haven't mustered the faith and courage to do so...

For as I said above (and I am making it personal):

My mess will eventually find me out.

Whatever I do in the dark eventually comes to light.

And most critically important:

The bad habits I let go unchecked in my life will eventually be the very source of my downfall.

(I think I said it a little better that time).

So my dearest Book club sistas...

I know you all are hurting. I hurt because you hurt.

But let's continue to support each other. I'm glad we have reformed elsewhere.

Many of you have been the light of my day when all was dark.

You have encouraged me when I was down and out.

You have dealt with me in all my hard-headedness.

Let's not let this harden our hearts.

Let's move on... and do better.

So, I think that was the most heartwretching thing that happened last quarter for me.

It's a good thing that the heart can eventually heal...

And it eventually will.

To Be or Not to Be?

To be or not to be?

That is NOT the question!

The real question is...

"Is that Original Oldgirl LadyLee a Vegan or a Vegetarian?"

Honestly, I thought the two terms were the same.

(Honestly, I never really cared... Much less thought about it).

Anyway, boys and girls, lets look at the two terms.

In other words, gather around Oldboys and Oldgirls, it's education time.

*Lee does the happy dance*

One of my goals (and check the goal list, goals keeper Serenity3-0), was to read a book a season about vegetarianism. It is important to educate myself about it all. I have been digging around in two books: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vegan Living by Beverly Bennet et. al. and The New Becoming Vegetarian by Vesanto Melinda et. al.

It's been very intersting reading indeed. There's like a whole spread of different types of vegetarians. Too many to list here, so I've narrowed it waaay down.

Let's define some terms:

Vegetarian - is a diet that excludes all meat (fish, game, red meat, poultry).

Near Vegetarian - a diet that includes some meat, fish or poultry. Also known as semi-vegetarian.

Near Vegan - a diet that excludes all meat, eggs, and dairy products. This can range from no eggs or dairy, but could care less about traces of animal products in prepared foods to eating pizza or ice cream or whatever every now and then. They largely exclude egg and dairy products though.

Vegan - a diet which includes the avoidance of ALL products of animal origin. This include eggs, dairy, gelatin, and honey (made by bees). Not only are animal products avoided in the diet, but they are also avoided in other areas: no leather, no silk, no wool, no feathers, etc... No going to the circus, no hitting up a pet store, none of that.

*big MC Hammer dancin' crickets*

*crickets having visions of crickets*

Man, I was alright up until that Vegan definition. Avoidance of ALL product os animal origin.

I was lost at giving up honey, just because it is made by an insect.

I'm not too sure that I know of many sistas who will give up the silk panties.

And dudes like their silk boxers too.

(Ain't NOTHING like a brutha in some silk draws. Nothing).

And this Oldgirl would NEVER give up leather sneakers. If that had to be the case, I might as well go down to Fat Matt's Rib Shack over on Piedmont Road and order up a slab of ribs and half a bird, man.

Really.

(And you might as well throw me out the window if you think I'm giving up my down pillows and my down comforter. We gonna FIGHT like some mad dogs in the street if you think I'm giving THAT up.)

Man, that whole vegan lifestyle is waaaay too much thinking. Waaaaaaay too much.

I don't knock it. You do you. I always support you doing you.

I found it VERY interesting that vegans are warned not to get a "holier-than-thou" attitude because of picking on people who choose to do differently.

(I myself have seen this before).

One author warned vegans to not go picking on folk if they aren't vegetarian because people watch you and will call you out on your mess. Really.

It is unfair, it is. That's a daunting, stringent choice, and not right for everybody. I prefer to work hard on my lifestyle change, and do the best I can do. If I slip up and eat a pot of chitlins, so be it. Get back up, dust myself off and keep it moving.

I saw on the news that the animal rights people were upset that Obama killed a fly.

I am sure these people are some hardcore vegans.

I can't fanthom being upset about a fly.

If you think I would twist my mouth to whine about President Obama putting the smackdown on a pesky housefly to my Grandmother, who didn't get her civil rights until she was in her 30s or 40s...

... then you smoking something.

And it ain't a simple cigarette.

The rights of a housefly.

Black folks don't even have all their rights. Heck, women don't even have all their rights.

Work all that out, and I might think about the rights of a whale, a seal, a dog, a cat...

... or a housefly.

Okay, let me get off my soapbox. I'd be in major trouble if a wonderful vegan came over here and read this.

But like Mister said, This here is MY mailbox, i.e., this here is my blog, and I sayest how I feelest!

But anyway, I would consider myself Near Vegan.

And I won't be impressed with myself 'til I hit the 100 day mark.

It's only been approximately

50 days

1206 hours

72360 minutes

4341600 seconds since this all started.

I exclude all meat, eggs, and dairy. I had some quiche that I thought was tofu, but it was actually organic free range eggs. I had that twice, but that's about it.

I was never a big milk drinker, and I prefer the almond, rice, and hemp milks instead. I had a slice of cheese once. That's because it came on a black bean burger, and I didn't feel like fighting with peeps over it. (I'd already had to send the salad back).

But that's about it. I could give a flip about what is in my prepared food. (I ask, and leave it alone if it is dairy or egg related if I can).

I'm sorry. I am NOT having a conniption fit over that type stuff. I have too much other stuff on my mind.

Shoot, I took a gang of hot wings to my writing workshop last week. Whatever. Thought the meat eaters would appreciate some hot wings and ranch and bleu cheese dip on a balmy Friday night...

(Too bad everyone there was vegetarian except the host. LOL!!)

So there you have it... a VERY simple primer on some things I never knew, and some things I bet you never knew.

Yeah, and go tell all of that to the housefly buzzing around your house.

Sure that sucka would be terribly interested...

...And would be hoping and praying that you are vegan.

LOL!!

Gone Vegetarian...

The birth of Milk and Cookies Jr. was a most delightful interruption...

We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcasts...

Now, one of my life goals has always been to become vegetarian...

It has been more of an imagination than anything.

Why, I've thought about it often, especially when I'm chowing down on a barbeque rib sandwich or a merrily eating a 2 piece spicy chicken dinner from Popeyes.

Always thinking about it, but never mustering up the courage to go through with it.

But, I noticed something particularly interesting during the fasts that we have at church every January. Sometimes I participate, sometimes I don't make it through. It is never anything stringent (like total water fasts - negroes will act a jack behind such), but usually involves some type of detoxifying element, like no junk food, no red meat, no white food (rice, potatoes, other high starcy stuff), nothing bad for you.

Very detoxifying indeed. The heart and mind is very clear during that time.

But like I said, I noticed something very interesting happened during these times:

My lupus symptoms virtually disappeared.

I could go so far as to say that they disappeared, because I don't remember any symptoms.

During those times I felt, what's the word... NORMAL.

And yo... an Oldgirl was REAL happy about that.

And soon as I'd go back to my old ways, well... the symptoms would raise their ugly heads.

Now my symptoms aren't terrible, as I am functional. I always have a low grade fever. I don't sleep well (only 6 hours a night, and constantly waking up). I have constant inflammation, and a little joint swelling. It gets a bit bad during PMS. I have spontaneous nosebleeds from time to time. Sinus infections prevail.

Like I said, I am very functional. I work everyday. I am limited in activities (2 on the weekend, 3 during the week). Anything more and I am virtually wiped out with fatigue.

I've always been proud of the fact that I can take care of myself. I am not dependent on anyone. Being completely debilatated had been a fear in the past.

But there was something about those periods of fasting that stayed on my mind.

And I looked into it one day.

I read all types of things on lupus, but one day I saw something interesting: that symptoms can be exasperated by animal protein, to the point where all the symptoms could be some sort to an allergic response. Essentially getting too much animal protein could cause all kinds of inflammation problems and kidney problems. I have had both at some time or another.

It could be bogus. Who knows. I blew it off and went on to something else. I don't see much about this in my mainstream book that I have on the subject. Such is to be expected from a book more centered on Western medicine.

But it isn't bogus to me because of what happens when I eliminate animal protein from my diet for periods of time.

Mix that with meeting one of Cowgirl Cre's cousins at one of her family functions who was a vegetarian just this past Memorial Day Weekend.

Our convo was interesting:

"So you're really a vegetarian?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"So how long you been like that?"
She laughed. "You make it sound like I have a disease."
"No, I was just wondering."
"For 10 years."
My curiosity was peeked. She was a young chick, couldn't be over 30. "And why did you decide to do that."
"Because I had an animal protein problem that put me in the hospital, and after that, I stopped eating meat. And if I try to eat it now, I just get sick."

Hmm. I didn't know what to say. We all went on talking and joking about other things. I was trying to catch her alone but couldn't. I was nosy as hell. I wish I could've gotten her number so we could talk privately. I wanted to know what caused her protein issues. (But I didn't want her to think that I was hitting on her. LOL!! Maybe I'll see her at another family gathering (as I tend to crash Cre's family stuff often)).

Anyway, I thought on that for awhile. And not to mention, me and Dr. HazelEyes, another sista Doc on my job, had decided we were going to fast together. (She'd done some similar fasting like I'd done in January).

So we made a pact to do the darn thing.

"We're starting June 1st, LadyLee," she said.
"That's cool, I'm ready," I said. "And I'm kicking it for the whole summer, babes."

She looked at me like I was crazy. "Naw, I didn't say all that. The month of June, that's it. I'll work it out past that when we get that far."

"I'ma do the darn thing, girl. And if I can make it to the first of September, I'm shooting for December 31st. And if I can do that, then shoot girl, I'm gonna just stay that way."

*Dr, HazelEyes looking at Lee REAL crazy-like*

It is a most daunting goal indeed.

It is the most positive and interesting thing I did last quarter.

How am I doing?

It has been:

46 days

1104 hours

66,240 minutes

3,974,400 seconds...

Since I "turnt" vegetarian.

How am I REALLY doing?

1. No constan low grade fevers.

2. I can't remember the last time I had any arthritic pain or pain from inflammation. (Well, yes I can: late May, that's when).

3. I sleep like a rock. I get 6-8 hours of sleep per night. And even if I get 3-4 hours of sleep, it is a very good DEEP and satisfying sleep. I am not groggy for the rest of the day on short sleep.

4. No lupus flares (suddenly worsening of symptoms) during PMS.

5. No spontaneous nosebleeds. (Gosh... I HATED that).

6. No sinus mess going on. (Thank the Lawd for that).

7. Lost 17 pounds (Doctor Bhaji was happy about that). I can't tell, but it is what it is.

8. Doctor Bhaji said my hands had gotten smaller. *Lee sees crickets flying around that statement* In other words, no real inflammation and fluid retention isshas were seen on my last doctor visit.

9. My cholesterol dropped about 60 points. (It had been borderline high- around 220). That was from a June 9th test. Might be lower now.

10.Much better concentration (I usually have the concentration of a flea, which is lupus related- I cannot STAND that).

11. I am more energetic.

So, uh... should I stick with it? Or should I let it go and go get some Popeye's chitlins?

LOL...

So, Chele, I hope I answered your question of why I went vegetarian. Purely for health reasons. I think this is one of the most important decisions I made in the second quarter of the year.

And now the question is... Am I vegetarian or vegan?

There is a difference, you see...

To be continued...

Proactive: Tests, tests, and More Tests

(Note: This a book giveaway week. (See Monday's post). If you wanna be in the drawing, make comments this week, on any post).

One thing that I really don't talk about in the House of LadyLee...

My lupus issues.

Why?

Because I don't wail and whine about my illness to people. I don't use it as a crutch.

I was diagnosed 7 years ago. (I have had it, from the symptoms, some 15 years, just didn't know it.) I only spoke about it on blog after a request from one of my favorite bloggers, That Southern Black Gal. (click here for that post). I'm glad she requested it, because it was a good thing for me to post on it.

I know several women with this chronic disease, and we all live pretty normal lives for the most part. We really don't even discuss it amongst each other. A coworker and I tend to email interesting articles to each other from time to time, and we check on each other and talk about medications, but that's about it...

But I go to the doctor a lot, every 4 to 6 weeks. I'm always getting a bunch of tests, giving many tubes of blood, all kinds of craziness.

I ask my Doctor from time to time, when she wants to do certain tests...

"Why do we have to keep doing this, Dr.Bhaji?"

"I'm just being proactive!" she says in her high shirll voice.

*LadyLee kicks the hard eyeroll*

Yesterday I had a heart test, called an echocardiagram. (I have no idea if I am spelling that right).

I have pleurisy, and a bit of continuous heart inflammation since being diagnosed. The only real effect it has is that I have a little pain along my ribcage on my left side around my heart when I take very deep breaths.

This doesn't bother me. I can go walk a few miles on the track without hyperventilating or anything wierd.

So she scheduled this "Echo" test.

"But I feel alright!" I said.

"You've never had the test. And I just want to be proactive, LadyLee," she said as she fills out my prescriptions.

So I had that yesterday. Very interesting. It seems to be a sonogram/ultrasound for the heart. I didn't discuss the test with the technician (I was a bit perturbed about laying up on a table with my chest exposed, lol).

But what was interesting is that I could hear the sound of my blood pumping in my heart over loud speakers.

Swoooooosh, swooooosh, swoooooosh.

Very loud, very pressure driven. Man, it sounded like something out of the Alien movies, lol.
(If you've ever seen the movie Contact, it sounded exactly like the signals the aliens were sending from outer space)

And it was very daunting. The heart pumping like that is a very complicated process...


I'll probably think about that when I get in a tizzy about mundane issues of life.

Gives a WHOLE new meaning to me thanking God for the blood running warm through my veins.

I literally know what that means now.

Talking to my Doctor about it later, she said there were reasons for that test: to measure the size of the heart, to check for leaking valves, and to check for fluid around the heart.

I sat quietly and listened. Wanted to wail "But I feel alright!", but I didn't.

I understood that she was just trying to be proactive.

I've had other tests, like the bone density test. It is interesting to see my whole skeleton on a computer screen. I upset the technician once, when I was standing behind her, looking at the results screen, yelling...

"Look at that! I got bones, man! I got bones!!!!"

LOL. That chick was having a bad day. Thought I was gonna catch a smackdown.

Then there was a kidney ultrasound test I once had. It is pretty much the same as an ultrasound. My doctor wanted to know the size of my kidneys.

I remember the technician squinting hard at the computer screen.

And I remember thinking "Please don't let this woman say she see a baby in there."

LOL!!! (That was what they told my mother when they were looking for the size of a tumor they thought she had. Said tumor was my little brother. LOL!!!)

But one test that I've always hated, one I have to do every 2 to 3 months, is a test that requires urine collection.

I am NOT talking the simple "pee in a cup" at the doctor's office test. Who cares about that? That is simple enough to do.

I am talking about the "24 hour urine collection".

Collecting ALL of your urine over a 24 hours.

LAWD HAVE MERCY I HATE THAT WITH A PASSION!



Yo, you drop a lot of urine in 24 hours! Good gracious alive!!!

(And I don't know what my issues were that day. I collected over 3 liters. Ugh.)

When my doctor wanted me to do this for the first time, some 6 years ago, I was like

"WHAT? You have GOT to be kidding me!! Stop playing!"

"I do this because I like to catch problems early" she said.

The reason for this is that a lot of lupus patients have higher levels of protein leaking out of their kidneys. Normal levels are about 100 mg. My range has been around 250 mg. I had something as high as 700 mg one time. My urine is foaming (a sign of high protein count, and possible kidney disease). My doctor adjusts my medicine accordingly to control this.

Anyway, I can't stand this process, and have wailed and whined about it.

Dr. Bhaji is use to me, after all these years. She ignores my whining.

"I'm being proactive, Miss LadyLee."

Over the years, the nurses have gotten a kick out of my disdain for the bright orange bottle. They would put my name on it, and hand it to me before I leave the doctor's office.

"Uh, check it out, homegirl" I say, as I stare at the bright orange bottle in my hand. "Ya'll need to give me a paper bag for this. I don't want to walk through the waiting room with this."

"No, Ladylee!"

I look around the room where I've just given several tubes of blood. "I'm sure ya'll got some bags around here."

"Nope. Take it like that."

To make things worse, one nurse in particular would grab my bottle from me and draw a BIG smiley face on the front. And then hand it back to me.

*LadyLee frowns REALLY hard*

So I would have to carry my bottle with the big smiley face through the waiting room. Ugh.

These days I don't care. I just do it. I don't know some of those people. WHATEVER.

Besides, my doctor is trying to be proactive.

At home, the bottle is not an issue, but I make it one.

Not only do I have to collect urine for 24 hours, I have to keep it very cold.

So I try to pick fights with Kentucky over this. I was particularly evil about this last quarter, in June.

"Kentucky, I'm putting this bottle in the fridge. I don't feel like getting up in the middle of the night loading my bucket with ice. You better not touch it, you hear me?!!"

"Lisa," she shot back. "You've been doing that for years. I know what it is, and I'm not gonna touch it. Just put it in there."

I left her alone. Kentucky is usually extremely docile, but I got the feeling that she didn't want to hear my mouth that day.

(Kentucky is undercover crazy. You have to watch the quiet ones).

Anyway, I turned in my bottle for last quarter 3 weeks ago.

I got a good result yesterday: a protein count of 159 mg.

My doctor was VERY happy about this.

My doctor and I talked about it.

And it seems to be largely due to my going vegetarian...

"Dr. Bhaji," I said through my hard Celie smile. "I'm being proactive!!!

To be continued.

Book Giveaways

It's introspection time, once again.

'Tis a time to look at the important things that have happened in my life during the 2nd quarter of the year, from April to June, and how it has affected me.

I'm not posting anything today, just announcing some book giveways.

Like last time, if you comment, I will enter your name in a drawing and you have a chance to win one or both of the following books.

One of my favorite books, blogger Chele's Confessions of a Beautiful Woman.



And/or Write it Down, Make it Happen by Henriette Klauser.


This book was a staple of my old journalling group. If you need some direction in the proper goal setting, then this is the book for you. I think Serenity3-0 is rereading it again and setting new goals, and you know when that chick sets goals, she definitely makes it all happen. So, I have copies of this book on my bookshelf, and would love to give a copy away to someone who may find it useful...

I'm probably going to mix these posts in with my regular posts. We will see...

Stay tuned...

The "F" word

The "F" word.

Nope. I'm not talking about the "F" word you're thinking about.

You. Cuss. Too. Much.

And. Get. Your. Mind. Out. The. GUTTER.

lol

No, I am thinking of another word:

FORGIVENESS

It is something that I don't have a concrete understanding of. Not at all.

And to be honest with you, I can be accused of operating in unforgiveness.

For I'm that type that, once you bite me a couple of times, I don't have anything to do with you.

For if you fool me once, shame on YOU.

Fool me twice, shame on ME.

So, I may or may be wrong for that.

But I posted my thoughts on forgiveness over on one of Aunt Jackie's posts recently.

"It's like this.

You get in the cage with the dog and it bites the stew out of you.

Lesson learned. Stay out of the cage with the dog.

You don't hate the dog.

You not trying to poison the dog.

You ain't even kicking the dog.

The dog is a dog.

And if you keep getting in the cage with the dog, then the dog will keep biting the stew out of you.

That's what I think about forgiveness. Forgive them... and move on. First time they do you wrong, shame on them. Anytime after that, shame on you... Because you had experienced some mess in the past.

It takes time for people to get that trust back."

Those are my thoughts on forgiveness. Mind you, this is outside of someone coming to me and saying "I am sorry." That rarely happens with me.

Honestly, there are peeps around me that I don't even talk to because they're trying to run scams on me or they are stressing me out. This is especially true at work.

But they are the first I make sure to help when they need some work-related help. And if there is an envelope going around for them (condolence, etc.), I make sure to sign it and put some cash in it.

I ain't got nothing against them.

It's just that we don't need to be fooling with each other. My self-esteem don't depend on your acceptance. Sorry. Never has, and never will. For me to put up with such foolishness says otherwise.

But I heard something very peculiar in a service back in late February or early March that has stayed on my mind like nothing else. It has been the source of much pontification, and is one of the best things I heard the first quarter of the year.

It was a test to test yourself for whether you have truly forgiven a person or not.

When you think about the person who did you wrong, are you also thinking about how you can hurt them or get them back? Are you wishing bad stuff on their life? Are you plotting or working out how you gonna cuss them out if you get the chance? Does rage rise up instantly?

If not, you have forgiven them.

Now, I smirked when I heard this. Afterall, you gotta be kidding me. That's stretching it.

NO ONE feels that way.

So I decided to pay attention to how folk feel when they have been wronged. Of course, no one immediately shrugs it off. I know I don't. But what are their feelings about it?

I was shocked to find the amount of need for some "get back" a lot of people feel when they feel they have been wronged. I myself, in the past, have been lied on, called all kinds of names, all kinds of craziness because it was thought that I did something wrong. I am quick to say I am sorry. And sorry JUST won't do.

I've seen a lot of this in the past couple of months. It has probably always been around. I just didn't pay any attention. But I see it everywhere... all around me, in the media, EVERYWHERE.

It even made me think back to a divorce recovery class I took at church a few years ago. I was just going to be nosey. I didn't have any problems with the ex-hubby, didn't feel like I needed to recover from anything. Just wanted dude to have a very fine life and to stay away from me, lol.

But I was AMAZED at how people had not forgiven the ex's. They were just angry. I mean seething anger. There was some cussing and snot flying.

I was sitting there thinking "Clutch the pearls!! Y'all not suppose to be cussin' in Chuuuuuch!!!!!"

But when it's real, it's real. Whatever is in your heart is gonna come on out, babes. If you can't get all the mess out your heart in church, well...

But I just remember their being people praying for God to kill their ex. And our instructor had to REALLY convince folks that that is not a good thing and to really work HARD to get away from that.

I sat there thinking and watching all that. I couldn't imagine praying such about the hubby. Didn't even cross my mind. Yeah, I had some mad moments, but it was all over. I wish the man well for his life.

It was good that I saw all of that. And I thought about it when I was pontificating this strange "forgiveness" test I heard recently.

(Incidently, my nosey tail needed that class: I was struggling with the guilt of being happy after the divorce. They cleared me right up from such crazy thinking. Sometimes being nosey is a good thang!)

So I ran this test on myself. And I must say that there is no one around that I haven't forgiven. I don't want to set anyone's hair on fire or anything. And I don't have visions of grabbing a glock and busting a cap in anyone's behind. None of that.

But I am known not to fool with people. I submit that this differs from unforgiveness.

Any relationship I have falls in two categories:

It is either a blessing.
Or it is a bondage.

There is no "in-between" for me.

If I gotta watch your tail, or if you doing a lot of "po-mouthing", or if you trying to bait me into doing stuff... If I have to think too hard or there's a bunch of confusion or my life is just MISERABLE when I'm around you... Worse yet, if you dogging all the people in your life completely out... If you are just toxic, with carnage showing up everywhere you step:

Then, you're going to end up having a problem with me. We will be parting ways eventually. There is no way around it. I want to be one thing: happy. I have a hard time "skinning and grinning" with folks.

I have a tendency to make myself VERY scarce. Very. To the point where folks have said "LadyLee is MEAN!"

I'm not mean. I'm just more important than the Queen of England, and you know there are etiquette rules when dealing with THAT Oldgirl. Heck, you're not even suppose to touch her in a certain way, all kinds of stuff like that.

I have my rules also. YOU should have your rules too.

No one should keep you in bondage by dogging you and making you feel guilty when you don't fool with them. Folks like to call that "unforgiveness". Nope, you just don't deal with a bunch of foolishness.

So there is a fine line there somewhere. I would love to get along with everyone, but that ain't possible. I've learned, and am still learning to seperate myself without operating in unforgiveness.

Now one thing I REALLY began working on in the beginning of the year is:

Forgiving myself.

That's a whole nother animal right there. I tend to beat myself up about things like nobody's bizness. It is a lifelong stronghold that I am fighting to break. I think I may be winning that battle. I am at least more cognizant of it, and forcing myself to work on it.

Yes indeed.

The "F" word can be such a complicated thing, can't it?

It is something that I am sure we all define for ourselves over our lifetime, in one way or another.

I know I have... I'm sure you have too.

And am still learning to do so.

The Same... Yet So Different.

One of the most wonderful things that happened during the first quarter of this year was that I actually took a vacation. This vacation was special, as it was my first vacation as an adult.

I've blogged much about the cruise portion of the vacation, but I also hung around in New Orleans for a few days after the cruise.

I rented a car ($250 for 2 days! YIIIIKKKEES!!!), and got a chance to drive around to some of my old haunts.

It was great to go back to my old job and see some of my friends and coworkers. That was a big victory for me, overcoming the fear of going back to that place. (I promised myself once I left that I was NEVER coming back. EVER.)

I even drove past my old church on Lake Forest.




The UBC!!! Upperoom Bible Church was the place to be, babes! This place really got my faith back on track, on the road back to where I'm trying to get.

I swung by We Never Close on Chef Hwy.


"We Never Close" was exactly what the name says. It was a fast food joint that NEVER closed. We would leave the ATL to go back to New Orleans at 9 in the evening, and roll into New Orleans around 2 or 3 a.m.

And there was always a crowd at We Never Close around that time of the morning.

They had the best shrimp po-boys!

I couldn't even eat all of that. I put it on ice for the flight back to ATL.

I swung by Rodney's, the best Snowball Stand in New Orleans East.



Got myself a lemon-lime snowball.



(My brother use to like half-in-half watermelon and peach; I used to get half-in-half blackberry and lemon, both which have been retired for the spring. So I had to settle for lemon-lime. Sigh.)

All of my old hangouts were pretty much the same. Some were still getting back to normal after the storm, but nevertheless, they were as I remembered them.

Save for one place...

The place where I use to live in New Orleans East... Frenchman Wharfs Apartments off Crowder Road.


The apartments were completely gone, wiped out by the storm. The 20 acre lake was still there.



Now, I'd first heard about this some two months after the storm. Yeah, you hear about stuff on television, but to hear a first hand account is a whole nother story.

I came across some dispaced New Orleanians in a local College Park U-haul Truck Rental center. They were returning their truck. They's said how they'd packed their things and drove 12 hours back to ATL.

"Everythang gone, baby," they said to me, in their classic New Orleans accent.

I leaned against the counter, rattled off a few places in New Orleans East, like my old hangouts I talked about above. Even asked about some of the familiar neighborhoods in the 7th and 9th wards.

"Alllll gone, baby!" the ladies kept repeating. "We drove over that way, where you talking about and it's allll gone. Looks like a bomb hit the place."

"Even Frenchman's Wharf?" I asked. "I lived there for a couple of years!"

"Gone!!" one of the young lady said. "Baby, it is GONE."

She stretched her hands out wide. "We drove around over there, and all I could do was cry!"

Gone.

And she was right. All gone.

I couldn't believe the place I once lived was now just trees and debris. I could still see the path I walked to get to my apartment. It was the same path I took when I would get off the public bus from work everyday.


The 5 minute walk down that path to my apartment was always my time to get myself together, to gather my thoughts before I got home. Hopefully no one was there, but either my husband or brother-in-law was.

Let's just say, the apartment was a place that I just didn't want to be. Walking that path was my own little piece of "alone time" for the entire day. It was on this very path that I prayed a prayer from my heart that was the turning point for my whole life.

It was the beginning of that "something" that would take me from a place of depression to a place of victory...

We all have those moments in our life, where we KNOW the exact moment when things changed. That was this place.

This place which was now a desolate wasteland.

I would've stepped out of my rental car and at least walked up to this fenced off path that once led to my New Orleans home. But I didn't think it was a good idea, since I was alone.

But I sat in the car, shed a tear, and remembered...

How even though sometimes things feel the same...

Things change.

Life changes.

Sometimes life can turn out so different.