Farewell, Minister Phillip *cries*

One of my favorite ministers at my church received his pastoral ordination on this past Sunday at church.



I remember I was cleaning up and watching church on the internet (as I rarely go on Sundays), and it was announced. I just started a crying... and a crying. Ugh. (Oscar was looking at me like "Girl, what is wrong with you??")

I am happy that he is starting his own ministry. I am also glad he left with the blessing of his own pastor, without there being a bunch of mess (you know how church mess goes). But man oh man, I loved it whenever he would preach at my Friday evening services. It is the main reason I go to some of the Wednesday and Friday morning/evening services because I really like some of the ministers.

I loved Minister Phillips ministry. He was a MASTER of explaining self-identiy crises and he was such a great minister on walking in love and the love of God. Just masterful.

I post little nuggets of his on blog from time to time... One of my favorites:

You worry about the future. You wail about tomorrow. Get all depressed, let the circumstances get to you.

The truth of the matter is that you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow isn't promised.

You can't even see 5 minutes in front of your face, people.
I posted that in a post entitled "5 minutes" a couple of years ago. And I have thought about it every since, especially when something unexpected happens. I mean, we think we know what's gonna happen in the next 5 minutes. But we truly don't.

Hmmm. STILL thinking about that one.

I have learned much about seed and how it relates to the type of seed we sow into our relationships, and just learning to esteem others higher than we do ourselves, and to check my selfishness. He is such a great minister (It takes much to hold my attention. He definitely does)As a matter of fact, I posted one of his sermons here on my blog years ago. I titled it The Mystery of the Identity crises.

Shoot. I think I will just copy and paste it below.

I even talked to him once. Bust out crying in his face explaining to him how he has just had a powerful impact on the way I think about myself and how it has helped me in being honest with myself. I know he was thinking What the world?

I was happy to see him that day. I'd gone on vacation a few months earlier and had some cash left over from my "fun money" for the vacation... and I just wanted to put it in his hands. Just a little thank you for the wonderful seed he has sown into my life over the past 10 years.

So I will miss you, Minister Phillip! May you go on to be a great "Pastor Phillip"!

Here's the message he preached, some years ago, that still has an impact on me to this day (and this wasn't even his sermon that night. He just spent 10 minutes talking before he opened his bible).

“God loves you, with His undying, never failing, unconditional love, and He wants to do you good, and make you happy.

You’re the crown of God’s creation, the apple of His eyes, marked by His love, and the focus of all His attention.

See when you know that, people, when you know who you are in God? Anything you hear, that is taught to you, you know you’re able to accomplish it, because you know who you are.

In the beginning, before God gave man authority, He let him know who he was.

“You are created in My image, you are created in My likeness, NOW go subdue the earth.”

He crowned man with glory and honor before He gave man his charge, so man knew his position in God before He stepped out to perform.

The same thing He did with Jesus: Before Jesus did any miracles, he heard a voice from heaven validating his position:

“You are my Son, I am well pleased.”

Jesus was graced to go heal the sick, cleanse the leper, raise the dead, cast out devils because he knew who he was.

The attack has always been on man’s IDENTITY. If you lose your identity (if you don’t know who you are, if you don’t know your position) you will not be able to fulfill the mandate that God has for your life.

Paul did the same thing. In every one of the epistles that Paul wrote, he says, I am a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ. Grace and peace, God’s ability, and shalom and wholeness be multiplied to you, to the church, to the faithful, to the call. He always told them who he was before he told them how to walk.

You gotta know who you are…

If I don’t know nothing else, people… If I don’t know one more word in the bible, I am convinced, I am FULLY persuaded, with all my mind, my heart, my soul, my pancreas, my liver, my lung, my kidney, my hair follicle, my fingernail, that God loves me with his undying, never failing, unconditional love, and He wants to do me good and make me happy.

I am convinced, fully persuaded, 100%, that I am the crown of God’s creation, I’m the apple of His eye. I am marked by His love and the focus of all His affection.

If I don’t know nothing else, I know that.

Now everything else He asks me to do, I know that I am equipped to do it because of my position in Him.

I’m the righteousness of God, I am as righteous as I’ll ever be, I am as righteous as Jesus himself, will never ever be any more righteous, because my righteousness is of Him.

You are too!

But you got to stay on that, put it in your mouth, until you are FULLY persuaded that that’s who you are!

You are created only a little lower than God, crowned with glory…

But you say, Minister P, you don’t understand, you just don’t know… my life is tore up from the floor up!!!

Well? It doesn’t matter! Why?

Because you are not who you are based on what you have done. Don’t let what you’ve been through, or what has been done to you, validate you! Don’t let those actions determine who you are!

You are patented by God.
You are one of a kind.
There will never be another you.
You were deliberately created with a unique purpose, that no one that was, is, or is to come, can fulfill but YOU.

You put a spring in God’s step every morning you wake up…
You put a smile on God’s face.

You are the “it” in all the cosmos…

When one considers all the works of God’s hands, the stars, the heavens, the moons which he has ordained:

What is Oldgirl, that you are mindful of her?
Why you take care so much of OldGirl?
Why you love OldGirl so much?
Why you favor OldGirl so much?

Why God???

Of everything that he has created, the earth is like the head of a pin, we are a planet in this whole cosmos, and this awesome, infinite, timeless, endless God, from beginning to end, the first, the last, the beginning to end, He that was, is, and is to come, the unlimited One came down to a speck of dust and he took up you and mold you out of that speck of dust and gave you dominion over everything that exist!

What makes you so special? I’ll tell you:

You are His offspring.
You are His baby.
You are the life of God in flesh.
You are the essence of who God is.

I can’t see Him, but I see Him in you. But when I see you, I know that God is.

You gotta KNOW that.

Learn faith, learn this, learn that, learn it all….

But learn one thing: God’s unconditional love for you.

God wants you to know that you are His sole possession.

If you could go and count the number of sand on the seashore, God’s thoughts towards you outnumber the sand.

Heaven’s agenda from the fall of man until the end of time is that you win in this life!

The Holy Ghost, the Word of God, the blood of Jesus, Jesus himself, the Angels, and everything else of God… God has set in array for you to win!

So…

Why you crying?
Why you fretting?
Why you worrying?

It’s over. As far as God is concerned, it is done.

You are victorious.
You are triumphant.
You will never lose.
You were created to win.
You’re a winner, not a loser.
You are the head, and not the tail.
You are above only, you will never ever be beneath.

I don’t care if you feel like you are under a rock, that’s a LIE!

That is Satan’s attack… He still is on, and after your IDENTITY. Because if he can get your identity, he will stop you from fulfilling God’s plan and purpose for your life. He wants your identity. He doesn’t want you to know who you are. He wants you messed up, confused, trying to figure out:

Who am I? What am I?

Because if he can get you to start thinking that way, you’ll never think the way of God.

You’re special, people.
You’re a diamond chip from the big Diamond Himself.

I don’t care what your Mama told you, what the kids in school told you, I don’t care who told you what.

You are a chip off God… makes you as special as God Himself.

You are equipped to fulfill God’s will for your life. You will!

I want you to be convinced people… You are special.

The molestation that happened to you as a child?
It was an attack on your identity.
The rape that happened to you as a child?
It was an attack, an attack on your identity.
The abuse that happened to you as a child?
That was Satan’s attack on your identity.

Think about it: God called Moses as a deliverer, and the first thing Satan did was rise up in Pharoah… he wanted so bad that one little boy, he was willing to kill every male child in all of Egypt just to get that one.

You are a solution to an existing problem, and Satan’s plan is to eradicate that solution. So he decided to come at you by any means necessary, from a seed… he started attacking you from sperm form.

He was after Jesus, he was after that bloodline, and he poked and tried to find out… He wasn’t sure who it was, but he poked. And when Jesus was born, Satan moved up in a man name Herod, and Herod couldn’t figure out which child it was, so he just said “Just kill all the male babies!”

God don’t change, He is the same.

Satan is the same: steal, kill, and destroy by any means necessary.

Attack their identity! Attack their identity!
Wipe them out! Wipe them out!
Kill God’s creation? I’ll kill God’s purpose!

Rape them! Molest them!
Do whatever it takes to destroy who they are!
Destroy their minds! Mess them up!
They’ll never think they are special.
They’ll always think it’s their fault.

The divorce was an attack on your identity.
Satan knows that a house divided can’t stand. If he can get mama and daddy to divorce, he’s going to get some man to try to show that little girl love, and he’s going to rape her, he’s going to prostitute her, but he’s gonna destroy her mindset of who she is, and she’ll Never be able to fulfill God’s plan for her life.

Every abuse you went through, people… it was Satan.
People want to know, they wonder…why God, why did God allow? Why God?

But in the end, you will win.
So I want you to know, it ain’t your fault.
Don’t let that hold you down.
Don’t become a victim, you’re a victor.
Don’t let it hold you in victim position.
You are a victor, you are more than a conqueror.
Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.
He’ll always cause you to triumph.

You win, I don’t care what it looks like, you win!
You win, I don’t care what it looks like, YOU WIN!

This has nothing to do with my message, but it has everything to do with who you are in God and the scheme and plan that God has for your life.

You get that?

Look in the mirror and tell yourself everyday:

“I am a winner, I am destined for greatness.
I am deliberately created with a unique purpose.”

No other human being that was, is, or is to come, will ever have the same thought process that you have. You are a dimension of God that the world is waiting to be expressed. What you have in you, the world doesn’t know that side of God yet. He wants to expose Himself through you.

But you got to get with the Creator, so He can show Himself to you, and show you what portion of his deity He wants to express through you.”

That meant something to me that night, so many years ago. I remember he put on his glasses, and said, "Let's get started. Open your bibles too..."

I don't know what he said next. He could have sent us on home after that. 

Really though.

I was just blown away by what he said above. Goodness. 

So good-bye, Pastor Phillip. I know you will go on to do great things. And have a positive affect on many people... Just like you have had on me. *ladylee grabs more Kleenex*

Good Good Monday Morning

Good Monday Morning to you ALL.

And it's a good Monday morning for me. Why? Because I am OFF.

My birthday weekend has stretched out to a 4 day weekend.

My boss was asking me about this, whether I'd be taking off on Monday, that is.

"If you don't see me, that means I'm not here," I said. Several times that day.

*Boss kicks the hard eyeroll*

She doesn't see me. So that means that I'm not going to work.

It was her suggestion anyway, this taking a few days off. Hmm.  Don't get me to thinking.

And it may stretch out to the rest of the week, because Atlanta is under some type of snow storm warning... AGAIN.

And it all still sounds ambiguous like the last time when a couple inches of snow and ice shut the ATL down. I don't care what's going on. I just don't want to get stuck at the workplace... or on the freeway. I have 4 or 5 weeks of leave time at work, and 5 months of sick leave.  I will take off. I am not banging up my cars fooling with non-driving ATLiens.

I had a WONDERFUL birthday weekend. Oh, how nice it was. And the weather was absolutely wonderful, meaning there was no rain, ice or snow, and the weather was in the high 50s to 60s. And the sun was shining.

OH JOY!!

It is too much for one post. So I will sprinkle the posts out throughout the week.

So let's run it down in an outline, and I will write about each one...

1. I woke up Friday morning, full of JOY, because it was my 44th birthday! GLORY.

2. Got up and went to friday morning Bible study! And I got in trouble at the bible study. Hmm...

3. I picked up LadyTee and we did our Thelma and Louise thing.

4. I came home and went to bed.

5. Saturday, I hung out with my sister Kentucky!

6. She took me to a Dr. Joe seminar, which was fantastic!

7. Then we went to a really good vegan restaurant.

8. Then we returned to my house... where Kentucky did my taxes! I should have my money by Friday! *ladylee throwing dollar bills, making it rain*

9. Sunday I did my church thing... on the internet (I rarely go on Sundays). What a good service. I will call it a birthday service, just for me.  Should I post up the notes? Hmm. I didn't take notes. But it is something I've been hollering for a while over in these parts. I can go back and watch it and take notes. Maybe a nice food-for-thought post... perhaps?

10. I went to the Home Depot. I bought a furnace filter and some garbage bags.  I tried to go the Christian bookstore, because I wanted a good workbook. But it was closed. I will go on Monday.

11. I went to the Best Buy. I want another Roku, but decided against it. I am not sure it fits my bedroom flat screen TV, which is not HD. (I paid $500 for a 15" flat screen TV, some 7 years ago. It is amazing how cheap they are now).

12. I came home and watched Friday Night Lights. I am on season 2. It is such a great show.

That's the rundown of my birthday weekend.  Today I am thinking about going and getting my emissions done. Both cars failed, but they should pass now. (Lucy Jr. needed a sensor- this car has a gazillion sensors O_O, and Pam just needs to be driven around- I've only put 80 miles on that car this year, and it didn't help that I gave someone a jumpstart late last year. Sigh).

I went to Whole Foods yesterday and everybody and their mama was up in there. I think it is because the ice storms are coming. So we are all gonna be stuck in the house again.

Hey, as long as this power, gas and internet stays on? I am GOOD. It is a problem if power goes out. Ugh.

Oh... and last night's WHOA moment - I talked to my mother.

Not Play Mama out in Alabama... my biological Mama.

*crickets*

I was skipping merrily through the Whole Foods last night and I she called. I couldn't get to my cell phone fast enough. I had my blue tooth headphones on, but they were off. So I missed the call.

This was a good thing, as I could call my sister and ask her WHY she was calling me. My sister says she was ailing and wanted to talk to me. There's always this "Call Lisa and tell her to call me."

Well, Lisa ain't calling nobody. She wants to talk to me, she can call. Don't get it twisted.

And my sister tells her this. And mother never calls. She is too afraid to call me. That's her problem, not mine.

But she called me this time.

I don't know what's wrong with people. For some reason, just because I have a "Dr." attached to my name means I am a medical doctor. I am sorry. I am not. I cannot write you any prescriptions. I am so sorry. And i can't diagnose you. I am so sorry.

But I can talk to you about some organic chemistry. And some analytical chemistry. I can talk about food chemistry too. And pe.sticides. All that.

But she has her ailments, mostly her kidney issues (she is diabetic). I talked to her last time about it. I told her what to do (I have slight kidney disease due to my lupus).

She don't listen. I think she just wanted to talk to me, which is... odd. I am not very interesting.

You will be proud of me. None of my anger concerning my sister surfaced. Mama called my sister because she wanted my sister to do her taxes. They haven't been talking. I don't blame her for calling about taxes. My sister know how to do some taxes, honey. Sho' nuff. Yes indeed.

But that was interesting... and exasperating at the same time. How many times can you tell someone to drink their water, decrease meat and not eat salty food intake? It helps my kidneys. I may know what I am talking about.

*ladylee hangs up phone*

SIGH.

Alright! That's it for my hard ramblings.

I am not sure when I will do the drawing, since we are under winter storm warning. My lone employee, Commander By, does my drawings, as I don't like doing them myself (I need witnesses, because I don't need ya'll cussing me over cheating). I am thinking later this week.

So here's what I will do: we'll extend the commenting out for a few more days. And how about I throw in an extra gift card for second place most comments?  How's that?

That's it for me. How about a song of the week... That Southern Black Gal says she turned her cousin onto my blog. She's an older chicken like me. So some old disco will do her just fine, I bet.



Man... I have to apologize to new readers. I am somewhat intelligent. I promise I am. But I am very much ebonically inclined, so excuse my language. I am writing like I talk. Yes, I know I need to take an english and grammar class. Maybe one day I will...

But not today.

I'm leaving.

Before the Ice Man cometh.

LOL

As always, have a great day! On purpose!!!  

***Birthday #44***

I'm so GIDDY!!!

It's my birthday!

Birthday #44!!

!!!!GLORY!!!!

Yes, yes. On this day, in 1970 at 11:19 am, your Friendly Neighborhood Oldgirl LadyLee was BORN!

And henceforth I take the day off.

For it's a LadyLee National Holiday, you see.

LOL!!

I don't have big plans for today. Me and LadyTee are going to do our Thelma and Louise thing.  That means lunch and a movie!

I plan on going to Friday Morning Bible Study. I think I am going to get up there and dance at the altar with that same lady that be dancing and singing around the altar at the morning bible study. I hope she doesn't give me the hard side-eye!

I got some deliveries to the workplace today! I was shocked and surprised...

Play Mama A sent me some balloons!

Those balloons were attached to some FRUIT!!

Thank you, Mama! *falls at Mama's feet*

Mama asked if I'd seen that the pineapples were cut in the shapes of "44"?  I said no, and then went on to examine the fruit basket. And there were the pineapples!

I saw those pineapples earlier.  I thought "They must have a new person cutting the fruit. Whoever cut those pineapple into the shape of stars really jacked them up."

She knows how I love some good fruit! And it's some good fruit indeed!

I just wanted to lay my face in it. Wow.

And good ol' Sam, aka "Cinnamon Sugar", sent me some chocolate covered strawberries.

Woooo-weee! Those suckers were good!

I only had one. I was roaming around the cubicle area showing them off. And people were looking at me. So I had to share.

I ate one. And it was great. Big giant strawberries! And some of ya'll know what I do for a living... Big strawberries are soaked with pesticides. And I did NOT care. That one strawberry was GREAT. I

I came home with one left. Next time I know not to share. They are too good to share! I just think I was happy at the moment.

Sam snapped on me about that.  She went straight Cinnamon Sugar on me on the real. I am sorry, Boo! I may just reimburse you the next time you come hang out at the crib!

The place that sell those is over in the bougie 'hood. We're doing a driveby for some more of those tomorrow.

Really though.

I am afraid of balloons. When I was three, my best friend KK, who was also three, was blowing a balloon  up and it blew up in her face. That girl screamed and cried so hard. I was shocked by it all. And some 40 years later I get the shakes when I see balloons.

And one of my balloons floated up into the rafters of the workplace garage. Sigh.

I had to stand up in the doorway of my car and snatch it down.

And when I arrived home, the same balloon floated to the top of my garage. Seeing that my garage is some 15 feet high, I decided to just go on in the house. Maybe it will float down in the next couple of days.

My coworker Lady S gave me a nice candle and some little fruit snacks. What a surprise!

So I am just checking in. Thank you all for reading the past month leading up to my birthday month. I had SO many food for thought posts, and of course, I didn't get them all posted.

And thanks for commenting! The drawing will be held on Monday or Tuesday. Make sure to check back to see if you are a lucky winner.

So this is birthday #44.  I could not imagine turning this age. But i am here now.

I hope this year will be as good as year 43!

I can't wait to see what it brings!!  

Black Ice

Oh yes....

'Tis the Eve of the 44th year of the life of your Friendly Neighborhood Original Oldgirl LadyLee...

Have I drowned you all enough in the Food-for-Thought?

I actually have a total of 20 posts, but I think we will all self combust and mentally implode if I posted them all. Food-for-Thought posts wear me completely out mentally. But they are good for me to write, you know?

Anyway, one last post here before my birthday...

This one is about that black ice in my life.

The slippery places.

We have black ice problems down here in the deep south. We can be driving along, and see ahead what looks to be a puddle of water on the asphalt, when it fact it is an ice slick.

I have panicked slammed on the brakes when rolling over black ice. As a result, I have skidded. I have seen folks go into a full spin.

Needless to say, I don't like black ice.

I really don't like the "black ice" in my life. Those places in my life-emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally- where my heart goes into a tailspin. I hit the brakes and I skid... and I panic and I don't know what to make of it.

Yeah. Black Ice.

The issues of the past year that I am trying to rein in right now. I won't list them all, as this post would be novel length. And I don't want to be up allll night typing.

Driving. I am skittish now when I drive. I cannot STAND driving next to big vehicles every since that tow truck hit the original Lucy the Lexus. Large vehicles bother me. I am not terrified, just acutely aware. I am working hard on this. I notice I stay away from these large vehicles, but most times I can't avoid it. My only thing now is to to just work through it. I have mostly avoided the route on which I had the wreck, but these days I have been driving so that I can just work through that fear.

Mommy Issues. I don't have a relationship with my mother. As far as I am concerned, I never really have. But I stayed out of her way for the past 10 years or so. This time has been tempered with confusion, shame, sadness, and finally some acceptance of the situation as it is. I might as well live a happy life. Period.

So what's the problem? I'm having to continually pick my sister's emotions up off the floor after her run-ins with our mother. This year has been particularly bad, as my sister is getting older (she's 32 now), and she is figuring out that she doesn't have to put up with such brutal emotional abuse.

I have been angry over their volatile relationship, but I don't remember being as incensed as I have been in the latter part of this year. My mother has pushed my sister to the brink emotionally. And some of you have met my sister. I am the crazy unpredictable one, but my sister is the meek and mild one, and she wouldn't hurt a flea. But they had a terrible run-in, and it almost made me pick up the phone and call our mama and tell her:

"Leave my sister alone!!!!!"

Oh, you don't know how close I was to calling her. I mean super close.

But I held back. My mother has a violent temper, and I inherited that temper. It was not going to be pretty. And mother these days, when she gets angry, she runs for her guns. I ain't 'bout to get shot fooling with her.

So I pray... albeit disgruntly (if that's a word). I pray for my sister's heart and emotions. I have shed tears over this. We both long for that mother-daughter bond. I have thrown in the towel, but I just don't do well with seeing my sister hurt and in tears. Not well AT ALL. I want her heart to be alright. I don't want her to define herself by this mess.

And I want my mother to leave my sister alone. If you don't like her, leave her alone. Stop tripping out on her.

I know my sister is tired of me hollering "Look, MY Mama live over in Alabama."

I don't deal with this foolishness. Because she knows I don't claim our mother. She is a bit foreign to me. I can't fool with someone who loathes us so much. Man.  When we do run into each other, it's good superficial conversation... She has figured out that I can bring the crazy just as much as she can, and that's not a good combo.

But I really want my sister to have some peace. I really do. She deserves it.

This is a work in progress. Just when I think I am alright concerning it all... I slip on that black ice.

Father issues. I have written about my father issues over the past year. I won't rehash them. But his family thought that he was about to kick the bucket, so they called me. Lo and behold, the man got better. Didn't know my presence would help Ole dude.

I had made a habit of going over there once every couple of weeks. Some times it was okay, and sometimes it was not. It was always uncomfortable. Me and this man look alike. We have the same personality and sense of humor. We're both quiet.

But I haven't been over there since November. I got caught up working all that overtime around that time, and I was tired. So I did my own thing. And this isn't good, because I needed to at least stay consistent. But I made my way over there one day and dude was laid up in his bed drunk. And you know... that was too much for me. I try to do the right thing and call before I come over so that he can have himself together, but that day was too much for me. I think I stayed long enough to show my face, then I was ghost. I don't do well around drunk folks, as I have had my own drinking problems in the past (most likely inherited from him, I suppose). So I have to figure all that out, and make my way back over there.

I must say I am afraid. Afraid, in his drunken state, he will fuss at me for not coming over. Yet he doesn't so much as pick up the phone to call me. Everything seems to be on me. Everything.

I am mentally spinning on the black ice of this issue. And I am wondering where I will land.

Work. I must say that I like my job. Mostly because I can show up in some sweats and a head scarf if need be. And I make GREAT money. This is especially good when I don't have kids and responsibilities tied to that and what it entails. I work only 4.5 miles from home so I don't have a real commute. And I am doing something where I utilize that doctorate in chemistry. I am Dr. LadyLee. Queen of Chemistry Land. LOL.

But I am bored. Unfocused. Unmotivated. I am loud about this, but nothing much can do about it. The boss is struggling too. This is the first job I've done for so long, as I have been on the job for 12 years. I think there is an opportunity coming up this year, but I don't see it ending my boredom in anyway, but it will be better than what I am doing now.

So I am working on that. My ideal situation would be making 20% more money working from home. That is what I dream of.  We will see what happens this year. I have a feeling that it will be an interesting year in that regard.

Writing. My writing. My writing, my writing, my writing.  Writing is my happy place. It is a place where I get lost and I find my true self and my true purpose. I love to write.

You know, this is the first year in a decade that I haven't been hard at work at some facet of a manuscript? I have been more concerned with editing, which is not as fun as writing. But I have been doing that sparingly.

This past year has been one of those years where I have tossed the computer to the side and picked up my yarn and crochet needle. I got many a blanket done... but if I would've spent an equal amount of time, or even half the time on some writing, then I would be further alone to publishing some material.

Sigh.

I am trying to change that up this year.

I have posted some 8 pieces of flash fiction up on blog this year, mostly from my writing workshop. I LOVE that short form fiction.

I also love creative nonfiction. That is essentially what this blog is all about. How creative can I get in vividly expressing to you various aspects of in my life (mostly the funny things)?

I think about spiritual matters some 90% of the time (The other 10% is my personal ratchetness). Did you know that on this blog of over 1700 posts, there are over 350 food-for-thought posts?  I would love to cull the best 100 of those into a book of some sort. I have lofty aspirations concerning these things.

I don't particularly enjoy writing long form fiction, but I have much of it laying around that needs to be stripped and rewritten. And that I will do... eventually.

And I am reminding myself that it's not that much about talent... it's about habit.

I have been thinking about that.  Every single day.

And I have been thinking about my writing partner out on the west coast... and how I need to do right by him.

Indeed.

So those are just a few of my figurative slippery places, places in which I am trying to find my footing and find my way.

My hope is for these issues to be resolved...

My hope is to find warm sunny days where the very memory of black ice is utterly remote.

And the pains from slipping and falling have long gone.

Stay tuned for my 44th birthday post.

And don't forget to comment for entry into the 44th Birthday sweepstakes. Get that money, honey.

Get that money... 

On purpose. 

A Tale of Two Lucys

I want to write a Lucys post.

But so much is going through my mind concerning "the Lucys", that I don't think I could do it justice.

But I think that I should write about it, as it was one of the most important things that happened during my 43rd year.

If you don't know what I am talking about, you haven't been reading much over my way. The Lucys are my lexuses.  I wrecked the first one, and it was totaled. Then I bought another one.

Sounds simple enough. But it wasn't.

The car wreck was point A. Buying the next car was point Z.

And there is a long way between Point A and Point Z.

And looking back at the whole ordeal, which feels a bit like a distant memory now, I understand how much of life has to do with what's going on in my mind, and how much mentality plays a role in things. The battlefield is the mind. Always. At least with me, anyway.

And the whole ordeal bothered me. I don't like to admit that, but it did.

I tend to be a very private person and I rarely tell anyone what's going on with me. I don't keep things bottled up though. I pray A LOT. And that takes care of the majority of things. I tell you there are some things where I don't tell nobody but God.

I seem to be the one that many folks talk to. But I just don't feel all that comfortable talking about what is bothering me. It's rare for folk to just listen, even if they don't understand. Trust me, my feelings have been blown off more times than I can count. I have learned from that in a positive manner, meaning I don't blow people's feelings off. But I really don't have anyone that I cry to without feeling all uncomfortable about it.

And with me, that was the core of the Lucys issue.

Now, back in February 2012, if I am remembering correctly, I bought a 13 year old lexus. Yes, that's old. But I don't like the newer cars, and I don't drive much. And I'd been wanting one since that particular generation came out in 1999, It has been my favorite car since then. So I bought one... for my birthday.

I really liked that car.

I had it for one year and then BAM... I was hit by a tow truck on my way home from work.

His studs on his wheel sliced through the side of my car, in the back by the tire.

And to make a long story short, my car was totaled by the insurance company.

Up until that point I was okay. I was just thankful that the accident wasn't bad, I was alright and not hurt, and that a big fight didn't break out at the scene. (I got charged with the wreck. But folks be tripping in the ATL, with the road rage and shooting over accidents.)  I was thankful there was no mess involved.

I was alright, but a thread of something was dwelling in the back closets of my mind.

And I always pay attention to what's going on in the back corridors of my heart... those things I don't really verbalize to anyone, not even to God.

(And He seems to be particulary interested in those areas, also.Very much so).

Here's my thing: most of you who know me or who have met me in person know that I am one of the most nonmaterialistic people that you will ever meet. I don't care about clothes, handbags, shoes or any of that.  I went through that phase in my 20s, and I am sorry, but these days, I don't get much joy out of those types of things. I don't even like shopping.

But I was upset about wrecking that car... which is a material thing. And I was upset with myself just for being upset.

My issue was, and I was quietly seething over this, was:

I don't have a husband. I don't have kids. I don't have a family. I don't have fame and fortune.

I just don't have a lot.

But at LEAST I had my nice automobile. And LEAST I had something nice.

At least I had that.

And now that was gone. And I was quietly upset.

My sister did well to talk to me. She is the one person who will just let me talk without judgment. I didn't really talk much to her about those feelings, but she has totaled some cars and she was trying to talk to me about it.

I remember having a few tearful moments when I was alone at home with my thoughts. And I remember waking up in the middle of the night one night and having a really horrible crying fit. Just a fit of rage and anger and tears. Personally, I just wanted to sleep through the night, which is a rarity.  Sleep was an escape from the issue at hand: the lost of my car.

I had my little fit. Yelled a little for the sake of yelling, I suppose. I yelled at Oscar-Tyrone for being in my way. I was just pissed and yelling.  And I eventually went back to sleep. And I slept well.

However, I thought about something that next day, or within the next couple of days. It was a light bulb moment of sorts...

Gee.. I didn't pray about buying that car that I'd wrecked.

No I didn't.  If I had to sit and wonder if I did pray about it, then I must not have.

And I didn't like that at all. That's not like me. I pray about everything.

"Oh well," I thought. Now did it mean that was the cause of the accident? Nope.   Not at all. It was just something that I noticed.  I don't believe in God just snatching things and what not. Yeah, I grew up being taught such, which made me frustrated with religion, but it is not a part of my beliefs now.

But I know one thing. I was gearing up to go out and purchase another one.  And this time I was going to pray for some direction.  And I felt a little better about things when I did that. And I was still upset about being all upset over a car.  It still bothers me at times.

Anyway, things happened super fast after that. I am still shocked at how fast things happened. You know, it was to the point where I am still thinking about it all. And it is probably the reason I haven't bothered to write my thoughts concerning it.  I have so many thoughts and theories, too many to even post here.

I got proactive and started looking at cars again. I was going to be picking up my check for the car and I wanted to just start looking for another car.  I'd printed out a bunch of used cars like mine and I was in the process of putting them through an auto history check service. I was interested in a couple, but most were suspect. I remember just before leaving to go home from work one day that I decided that I would take a look in the website I was using one last time before I called it a day. I saw something unusual on the website, and something that I hadn't seen before that day: a car for sale that looked exactly like mine.

Odd, I thought. Very odd.

"That wasn't there a few minutes ago," I said aloud.

I printed out the page. It was for sale through a private seller, which made me shudder, and there was no information (VIN number available). I almost blew it off, but I sent the seller an email. I wanted the VIN number so I could run it through the system. The seller sent the VIN number, and the next day, she and I had a conversation about it and arranged a test drive.

She lived only a couple of miles from my job. That was cool. I could meet her somewhere on my lunch break.

And she pulled up in the at our meeting spot. The car looked exactly like the one I totaled. It was gold like my car, but with more bronze undertones. Unless you'd seen my car a lot, you would have not been able to tell the difference.

Once I got in the car, there was no difference. The interior was exactly the same. Even the wood paneling was faded in the same places.

But what really shocked me was what happened on the 15 minute test drive. Me and this woman who I have never set eyes on in my life had a conversation that for some reason was like salve to the brokenness in my spirit over the loss of the other car.

I don't know if that is the best way to put it, but I don't know how else to put it. I tell you, I can't really even put it in words.

It wasn't as if we talked about much. She was just going to let me take the car and drive it around and come back later or something strange like that. I was thinking, maybe this white woman don't want to get in the car with a negro. All I know, I wasn't taking that chick's car and driving nowhere by myself. So she accompanied me on the test drive.

But the conversation... it was just a general conversation. She talked about the car, and answered whatever questions I had about it. I told her of how I was all busted up over totaling my car and she told me of how she had switched cars with a friend for a day and the friend totaled her car and to this day she was a little sad every time she saw a car like that one. She even told me a funny story about her and her dad going to go buy a car from a man with a bible on the front seat, and how the car sale was a scam and the title was all jacked up and stuff.

That was funny. Because if I see a bible on someone's seat out in the open, I'm always suspect. Bad I'm that way, but I am. It's like you want me to... trust you automatically or something.  Stop it, I say.

The conversation was what it was. We even talked about some racial stuff.  That's the first person that I've talked to who feels like I feel about different races: You have to take people at face value. There is a very small minority (1 or 2 percent by her estimates, and mine too) of any race that is suspect. I have always felt that way myself . I don't want to miss out on stuff just because I have a problem with someone's skin color.  Not sure how that facet of the conversation came up. Much happened in 15 minutes of time.

But I tell you, I felt much better after that.

And it was to the point where I was talking about it in my prayers. "I don't even have to buy the car. I just thank you for the conversation, Lord."  I actually thought I'd gone and seen the car just so that God could set up a conversation of sorts, for whatever reason. I just felt A LOT better. I was happy for that. I didn't even have to buy the car.

Of the numerous conversations I had last year, and I had too many to count,  that was the most important conversation.  I even had a moment of  thinking - "Maybe that was an angel."

O_O

The bible does say be careful who you entertain, because you never know, it could be an angel. Hmm.

But I did purchase the car. I think I got the check for the car on April 1. I bought that car on April 4th.

And it was if it just fell into my lap. Shocked the cheese out of me. I was O_o for a few days.

Same car. Same year. Same color.

Just that fast.

And what really blew my mind was that I found out that that car had came off the assembly line directly after the one I'd totaled. The only reason I even found that out is because I had both insurance cards sitting in my wallet and I wanted to make sure I didn't throw the wrong card away... and I noticed that the VIN numbers were similar. A little bit too similar. A few hours of looking into it, and I found out that it was the one right after the other one. This type of thing is only important when you're buying high end luxury cars. If 50 of the cars are made, you want to know which one you're buying. The first off the line is the most desired, etc. So my car came off the line right after the other one.

And that really blew my mind.

The lady that sold me the car had NO idea why she posted the car when she did. She said that she could've posted it as much as a year prior, but she didn't. I think she was just as shocked.

That was a shining moment of my year. I am still thinking about it all, because it was a bit mysterious to me.

I know one thing, and it's a pattern with me: after some meltdown or moment of angry in prayer, when I just come out and say how I truly feel about a thing, really strange things happen, REALLY fast, to rectify the situation. And I mean FAST. Totally unexpected and in a whirlwind type of manner.

And Lucy Jr. was one of those things.

I learn something about myself in those times. I am human. I hurt. I cry. I have moments of anger. I hide these feelings well enough, but sometimes it all comes out in my prayer life.

Feelings, feelings, feelings. Questions marks galore.

But I know a couple of things to be true:

My faith must go past my feelings. 

My faith must go past the question marks. 

And once that happens, interesting things happen.

This was so important to me. I will forever be thinking about it from so many different angles. I really think the original Lucy was my "Ishmael" - something that I just went out and did myself.  I think the second Lucy was my "Isaac" - something God set up for me, and the way it all went down, it was without a shadow of a doubt.

And I feel funny saying that, because like I said, I am not a material girl. Not in the least.

But you know what's interesting? I have to touch that car, and it's a reminder of God's goodness. A physical reminder, no less. If I would go out to the garage to get something from the deep freezer, I had to see or go past that car. If I was going to drive my other car, I had to walk out the garage past that car to the other one. And most importantly, whenever I drive the car, I think of how it all went down. And there was an interesting forerunner, a foreshadowing of sorts, that happened right before the car issue...



A fence repair in my yard. One I didn't do. Just like the car, I have to look at the new piece of wood in the fence. And it's in a place where I have to see it every single day.

So I think about Lucy and the fence daily. They are symbols of some sort. It has served to jack up my faith a few notches. Quite a few.

This helped me much. I know that God hears me. And most notably, He sees beneath what I choose to pray about. He is well aware of all those back corridors of my heart, where I keep things hidden and locked away. It's made me a bit open with myself about my feelings, and I have the courage to examine them a bit more thoroughly... and pray about it.

God took care of the material, the tangible... something I'm not overly concerned with.

How much more will he take care of the things that truly concern me- the immaterial and the intangible?