Agitation - Personal Thoughts, Part II

Here I am with a rare Saturday post...

Actually I'm sitting here on the sofa, watchng Top Chef, and waiting for Jif.fy repair service to come finish the repairs on my dishwasher. Sigh.

I spent a couple of hours cleaning up, so the house is really really clean. What better time to finish up my personal thoughts concerning agitation?

Agitation is a terrible problem of mine. I think I've come a long way, as I've gotten older, to getting a lot better. So I was glad to hear a couple of messages concerning it. And I was forced to ponder it more with my postings here on my blog. Things are set up in such a way that when I need to go back and read things like that, I can find it quickly and easily. So that's a good thing.

I've been thinking much about exactly what irritates me...

What rents space in my mind, and needs some eviction?

There are 2 things that come to mind immediately.

1. People agitate me. Yeah, I know that's a broad statement. I guess I should explain further.

I have quite a few friends who have this incredible ability to deal with all personality types. I mean, they can look in the face of someone who has been dogging them behind their backs, and smiling in their face, and they let it roll off their backs like water.

I don't have that ability. If you use me, gossip about me, backbite me, threaten me, etc... I'm done with you. I especially detest folks who play psychological games. You would think that I've dropped off the face of the earth. I just don't do well with folks that mentally drain me, or with folks I have to really keep a watch on, and watch what I say or what I do.

LadyTee thinks this is understandable. She says this is because of the emotional abuse I've suffered under my mother all my life. "I've been sitting next to you since the age of 10, Lee, and I've watched you just take it. You've always sat quietly and calmly and taken it. So now, you don't play around with that type of thing."

She knows me better than myself.

So when mess goes down with people, I'm done. And the fear connected to that is that I just don't want to feel the way I felt as a child. Man, I just don't like being in bondage to people. I have a choice. And I choose to ignore you.

But I wish I could keep an even head like my some of my friends. And I just don't.

I know that sounds kind of strange. But it is something that has been bothering me over the past year or so. I've made strides in that area. One of my friends is like "Well, I talk to everyone, BUT, you know who and what you're dealing with." I'm learning to take that approach.

That's an area that I'm going to continue working on.

2. My job is a source of agitation. Man... if you read here for any length of time, you know that my job irritates the cheese out of me. MAN! And let's just say, I'm the happy employee at work, so you know I'm around disgruntled individuals, to the point that I've been afraid for my safety at times. You would think management would be a bit more competent and not pick the unstable employees to mess with. Geez.

I've really had to sit down and pray about it all, and really get some answers and directions. The job in itself isn't bad, it's just that people thing. (Go back to #1).

You may holler "Get another job, Lee!"

Uh, no. Because that is not the problem. My thoughts and prayers are a bit half-hearted at best concerning such. And when I'm not praying whole-heartedly about something, well... I might as well be picking fuzzballs out my carpet...

You know what it turns out to be? I've been doing chemistry for the last 23 years. I can't say that I am bored with it, but I've done all I've wanted to do in this chosen profession. I've hit all my accomplishment goals. I have a Masters. I have a doctorate. I've done research in the areas of organometallics, organoelectrical chemistry, drug design, synthesis, analytical, phytochemistry, food chemistry... I've even done interdisplinary work in microbiology and entomology. I've published numerous scientific papers, given talks all over the place. I've done some teaching. I make about 20% above of what I wanted to be making as a salary as a chemist.

When I look back over my 23 years in this area, I am at awe, and I am proud of myself... I am so thankful for my triumphs in the field, all I've learned, all I've been able to teach, and all I've accomplished. I'm so very proud of who I am as chemist, and proud of what I've done.

So therein lies the problem. I'm a little more interested in other things now. I don't feel a need to do all the brownnosing at work to get ahead, or playing all of these other games. My self worth is not dependant on getting ahead. Oh lawd, I DO NOT want to be in management. I don't see myself purposely hurting people (that seems to be their focus, for some bizarre reason. This is difficult to watch, and even more difficult when I'm the target.) Nope, I'm not the management type.

That is a revelation to me, and for some reason, it makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Hard to explain, but crystal clear to me. I'm a little freer now to concentrate on other areas of my life that need more development. And my goals will grow out of that.

Chemistry is my profession. It is how I make a living. However, Chemistry is not my life's purpose.

I am beginning to understand that I will find my joy and my peace in my purpose. Period. I think I've always known that. But now I understand that... and respect that .

Those are 2 areas that stand out in my mind, and are at the forefront: Working on my people skills, being able to deal evenly with people who are a trip, or who's personality clashes with my own "unique" personality. And setting goals that are more purpose driven or focused.

I'm looking to do and make moves to remove these areas of agitation, and regain the peace I so much desire.

Thanks for stopping by the House of LadyLee, and sitting a spell during spiritual week. I think it was a great way to start off my "next" thousand posts...

We will return to our regular scheduled programming on Monday :)