Friday Freestyles... The Can of Whoop Ass Edition

*crickets*

The title to this post is a bit... hostile?

Yes. That's a good word.

HOSTILE.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhh *said like a gnarly pirate*

Yes, this right here is a special edition, babes. Extra special breaking news friday freestyles.

Yes, because some ol' hostile tomfoolery occurred this week. I can't wait for Shai, Ginae, ThisOneWoman, Southern Black Gal, Serenity and even sweet sweet Sasha, with her nice and calm self to read it.

Cashana would take her earrings and high heels off and rub her jaws with vaseline after she read this... So would that wanna be stripper Chocolate Drop.

I do believe Singlema will do the straight Miss Sophia walk alllllllll the way from DC to the ATL on this story.

Stomping hard, stomping hard.

It had me looking like this...

Yeah.

Continue reading to see what I'm talking about...

Anyway firsts thing first... This is your weekly edition of Friday freestyles...

Today is PAYDAY! Glory!!

Ball 'til we fizzy fizzy FALL, babes. Booooyahhhh!

And the temperatures in the ATL are O_O. Dare I say that it's a tad bit chilly? Do I have to go and find my windbreaker? I think it's in Pam's trunk. I will check on that tomorrow.

We have gone from HAWT to COOL in a matter of hours. Goodness.

This is that bad cold and pneumonia type whether. And I rebuke that. It shalt NOT come to me. No ma'am.
No Sir.

Amen.

*ladylee unfolds hands from prayer position and gets up off knees*

Now, during this time, I would put up a picture of whatever salad I ate this week. Or I'd post a quote that has tickled my fancy.

I don't want to do all that. I wanna talk about the tomfoolery that happened this week.

So...

The trash collector comes on Tuesdays for my neighborhood. I either place my herbie curbie (our rolling big trash containers) up on the sidewalk on Monday evenings after I have taken all the trash out for the evening, or I roll it up to the sidewalk on Tuesday mornings. This week, I decided to do it Tuesday morning just before leaving for work.  I cut grass this week and I had a large lawn clippings brown paper bag to put up on the curb (I keep that lawn trash in my garage when it rains too much. I take the lawn trash to the street on trash day).

I like to spend about 5 minutes cleaning out the refrigerator on trash day to clear out anything that's old. This usually takes less than 5 minutes, though.

Here's my house from the back.

You see my can. I take trash out through the garage and roll it up to the curb. Simple process.

I took my last bag of trash out to the trash can.  I looked up the driveway and I notice that a TON of police cars on my street. And police were blocking the driveway.

I am part nosey, and part miffed. I needed to leave for work within the next 10 minutes. And I needed to put my trash on the street.

And at the same time, I wanted to know what was going on.

So I rolled my herbie curbie up to curb.

I didn't see anything too unusual... just my next door neighbor Benny talking and laughing with 4 or 5 cops.

I didn't know what was going on. Obviously it wasn't a hostage situation or anything dangerous. I know Benny use to get robbed on the regular, but he has burglar bars everywhere now. So I didn't know what was going on. He drives a Beamer. Maybe someone tried to steal his car.

*lee stretching neck to look at Benny's car*

Nope. His nice Beamer looked alright.

By this time, the police truck blocking my driveway was pulling away. Thank goodness for that.

I went on to work as usual. A couple of cops were lingering. I kept it moving.

I worked all day. I attended writing class that evening.

Then I came home.

More police cars were parked outside of Benny's house.

"Got dang!" I said to myself in my car. "These cops still out here?"

I wasn't all that interested in what was going on. I needed to get my mail. And I wanted to roll my trashcan out of the street. (The sanitation folks don't know how to roll my can out of the street. Humph).

So while I am doing this, I notice Benny and several of his boys out on the front porch of his house. And they were talking to the police.

I retrieved my mail from the mailbox, and pulled my herbie curbie out the street.

And Benny comes running right up to me.

I stood stark still. I was going over in my mind what was going on and if it involved me.

"LadyLee," he said. "I'm having all kinds of trouble."

"Yeah," I replied. "I saw all the police cars out here this morning."

Benny shook his head. "I have been having a hard time getting in and out of my driveway because of all the branches from the tree next door hanging in my driveway. So I cut them back a little. And while I was cutting them back, the police rolled up hard. The next door neighbor called the police and said I had pulled a gun on her."

O_O

The next door neighbor.

THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, I said.

YOU KNOW who the next door neighbor is..

She lives 2 houses up from me.  She lives next door to Benny.

Yeah. You read about this Chicken a couple of months ago during the Conversations Week Series, in a post titled "Neighborly Conversation: Cookies, Tomatoes, and Thomas".  The neighbor that looks like a 50 year old version of the young Ceeliee. If you don't know who I'm talking about, go back and peep that post.

Yes, THAT neighbor. The one that's a little... off. The EXTREMELY negative one. The one who cusses folk out (people that live in her house), every chance she gets. And she doesn't care if the neighbors or the astronauts up in outer space at the space station hear her. She is loud about it.

She called the police on Benny and said he'd pulled a gun on her.

I am surprised Benny didn't get shot by the police. I live in the HOOD. The police shoot first and answer questions later. And if history is a predictor of future events, the police would've gotten off scott free.

Maybe they decided the pair of hedge clippers in his hand didn't look much like a gun.

Good decision (for a change).

"Well," Benny said. "I came home and this woman has thrown paint on my porch."

O_O.

"Say whut?" I hollered.

"Yes, paint on my porch. And it got on the door."

"Wow."

That's all I could say. I was floored.

Benny had ALL his boys out on his front porch. There were at least 6 or 7 of them.

I don't know if they were ready to fight. But they are all ghey. YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH A GANG OF GHEY MEN. Unh-unh. Bad, bad, bad.

"And," Benny continued, "she brought the cans of paint down to your trash and put them in your disposable lawn bag with your lawn clippings."

"Say Whuuuuuut?" I said (almost hollered).

"I just wanted to let you know that the bag was taken into evidence."

Sigh. Wow. I was speechless. My fingerprints are on that bag. And I'm with the feds, which means my fingerprints are in some database somewhere. SIGH.

How on earth was this Chicken gonna bring her paint cans down to MY yard and throw it away in my lawn bag of clippings. What the world?

How unfortunate, I thought. And how crazy.

And someone saw her doing all of this, for the police to take my lawn bag into evidence. What the world!

"I think she's a alcoholic," Benny said as he peered sadly at his house.

Whatever, I thought. I see her scurrying down the street and around the corner to buy... something. I always thought she was smoking something.

Ain't no excuse for that mess.

That Benny. He's a really nice guy. He's been my neighbor for the past 7 years, and he hasn't given me a bit of trouble. I haven't given him any trouble. Just a really good guy. Plus he works with disadvantaged folks, so he tries to understand what goes on with people.

All that goes out the door when you throw paint on my house. Humph. I ain't trying to understand nothing but YOU going to jail. Believe that.

"This is all material stuff and it can be replaced," Benny said. "But I am pressing charges. She has to take responsibility for her actions."

"I know that's right," I said.

Benny went and joined his boys on the porch.

I went on in the house. I didn't know what time the police left. I didn't even look out of the window. I locked my doors and set my alarm and chilled for the evening...

Next day comes...

I leave for work. It's dreary, but light enough for me to see Benny's house. I wanted to see if I could see this paint that the woman threw on his porch. Knowing Benny and his neat self, he'd already cleaned it up.

I backed out of my driveway and slowed as I passed his house.

It can't be that bad, I thought. Just a little paint thrown... WHOA!!!

I had to stop and take a picture.

Look at the door. Paint is all on the door. It is hard to see, but that paint is on that door. On the burglar doors. On the porch. And it's dribbled all in the driveway. Whooo goodness.  I am glad she didn't come out of her house and try to do her friendly neighborly wave at me just then.  I think I would've said something to her.

"Man, what the hell is wrong with you, throwing paint on folks' houses? What is your problem??"

Oooh honey child. Can you imagine? Coming home and someone has thrown blue paint all on your porch and door and screen door? And it was all in the driveway too.

So you done messed up my nice house and my driveway?  All because I cut branches hanging over on my property? Really?

An old pastor of mine said everybody has a little mustard (crazy) left in them. And if you squeeze the mustard container hard enough, a little mustard (crazy) will still come out.

My "mustard" would've been a song.

Oh yes. I do believe I have learned much from the parrot in one of the last posts.

There would've definitely been a song in my heart... an extra special song.

*Oscar Tyrone hands LadyLee a microphone and turns on the instrumental of Patti Labelle's "If \Only You knew*

~ladylee commences to sing~

"Oooooh if... only you knew... the can of whoop ass... I'm 'bout to open on you!!!"
"Oh if... Only you knew... the caaaaaaan of whoop ass.... I'm 'bout to open on youuuuuu!
"Ohhhhhh iffffffffff! 
Ohhhhhh ifffffff!!!!"

*ladylee kicks off shoes and begins to flap her arms like Patti*

*ladylee suddenly stops singing and beats the cheese outta silly neighbor with microphone*

Oooh wee... Goodness gracious alive.

Now I consider myself a peaceful chicken. Don't won't no trouble. No trouble at all.

But stuff like this... that would cause me to open up a can of whoop ass. Several cans.

And resolve to repent later.

That's this chick's problem. She cusses folks out and is very negative and dramatic... and it all goes unchecked. So now, she's gone from cussing and talking trash to destroying people's property.

And all Benny was trying to do was cut away some of the low limbs hanging in his yard, because he couldn't get in the driveway.

I don't blame him. He has a really nice Beamer. I would not want tree branches scrubbing up against a Beamer.

Do you think I would let branches scrub up against Lucy Jr. the Lexus?

Heavens no. *clutch the pearls*

She come out the house and see the whole tree gone. As if it was never there.

I don't even want anything scrubbing up against my other car Pam the Protege. No sir. No ma'am.

And get this... and this will really trip you out... when this lady cuts her grass, she cuts it right up to my next door neighbor's driveway.  And you know how cut grass clippings get everywhere? They get in his driveway.

This broad gets her broom and sweeps her cut grass clippings out of his driveway. She sweeps his driveway clean.

So she DOES have some bit of sense as to know that you don't mess up folks property.

How does one go from that to throwing paint on someone's house??

You tell me.

She just crazy. That's all.

And in the conversation I reluctantly had on my front porch with her a few weeks ago, I saw some vestiges of her anger.  She is really upset about all the new housing in our neighborhood. "My family done owned our house for 40 years, and all the rest of this use to be apartments." She yabbered on about that. So I thought right then while she was hemming and hawwing that she's mad about the gentrification. Her house is a wreck, all dilapidated and about to fall in on itself.

This is a good time for a Food-for-Thought of the week right here: When seeds of wrath are sown into the heart and go unchecked and are allowed to take root and incubate and grow, some bad fruit is going to be produced.

And throwing paint on people's porches is bad bad fruit.

(You know how I feel about seeds and fruit and roots and trees and the like... Everything is related to that. Everything.).

Poor Benny. I'm just glad he and his boys didn't have to beat down everybody that lives next door. They were willing and able. I saw that. One of them was bouncing around like a boxer in the corner loosening up for a boxing match.  I hustled my tail on into the house. I didn't want to be witness to any craziness.

And I'm still LOST at why she would walk down to my house and put her paint cans in my lawn clippings bag.

LOST.

One thing you can do for me...

And this is a LadyLee Postulate of Life, #5513:

DO NOT INVOLVE ME IN YOUR SHADY BULLS****!
Don't you do it... Don't you even think about doing it. You better squint your eyes shut real tight and think hard about good things like bees and honey and flowers and sunshine and trees and chitlins and cornbread and the laughter of happy childrens.

But you better not involve me in your tomfoolery. Don't you do it.

Humph.

How on earth she gonna dispose of her paint cans in MY lawn trash bag.

I am glad that this paint incident didn't happen to me... or Singlema.... or that girl Tazzee... or Ginae or Shai... or That Serenity_23... or that sweet girl Sasha... I think all of us would've been sitting in the back of a cop car in handcuffs...

SMH.

That leaves room for the video of the week. It would've been the song I would've been singing right before I commence to beating the brakes off the shady neighbor... "If Only you Knew" by Patti Labelle...



I musta rehearsed the lines
A thousand times
Before I ball up my fists
And beat your assssssss!!

Cuz you don't even suspect
Could probably care less
That I cold knocked you upside your head!!!

Oh iffffffffffffffff!  Oh iffffffffffffffff!

Geesh.  I do have some more maturing to do. I need to get to the point where if someone vandalizes my house, I can remain calm. yes I do.

i just ain't there yet.

Ya'll have a good weekend. I'm gonna try to have a good weekend.

It may work out if I don't have to pass my neighbor's house and look at his front door.

Yes... I will drive the other way down the street to work... on purpose.