Crackle and Hiss (Birthday No. 48)

It is my Birthday!!
And it is birthday #48

And I must say that I am very happy about that. It has been a part of my prayers lately...

"Lord, can you believe that I'm going to turn 48 soon? How awesome is that??"

Of course He does. But I have been thinking about that. For some odd reason I have felt deep inside that I really needed to pay special and close attention to whatever is going on some seven days out, the seven days leading up to my birthday. And I was thinking... what is that about?

I don't know. I wasn't all that interested. I've just been praying a bit more since I am doing this 40 day prayer challenge book with Serenity. So I just guess I have stirred up some things that have been bothering me, things that have been on my mind. And I am the type that really don't tell people what's bothering me. I really don't think anyone cares. And I am not saying that in some sad way. But do you realize that we ALL have SO much going on in our lives? On top of the rat race of daily life? So I rarely talk about what concerns me. I pray about it. And stuff gets done. Answers show up. Quick and in a hurry. And I think I am just spoiled by that. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, looking over the last year, I've had to admit to myself that I have been dealing with some job worries and anxiety. That's not like me. The whole management team hears me holler more often than not that "Ya'll better have my paycheck in my account every other Friday!!"

That is the bottom line. Yes, it is crass... but raise your hand if you would show up to your job every day for free, just for the joy of it.

NO.

But with that said, I have some anxiety issues I am dealing with. I was switched into another group, and it bothered me. I liked the supervisor I was under. And there was some hostile ish going on in the other group. I was always like... whatever, I am not in that group. So I don't have to deal with that. We would have fervent whispered conversations about the shenanigans going on in the other group.

(Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that).

Then I got dropped into that group. I was in my director's office and he told me. All I could do was lean against the wall. It had nothing to do with their ongoing disagreements. We were just all being grouped based on expertise. I must admit it was such a blow. I felt like I had been hit upside the head. I was upset and quiet for days. What did I do to deserve this?

So I'd been living on the edges of work, being real careful not to do or say the wrong thing. And that has been mentally taxing. And it has made me anxious.

My supervisor has his favorite people. As all supervisors do. I was talking to another supervisor about it, and she agreed. We decided and understood that it is just human nature.

I am nobody's favorite. Nor do I care to be. I do not want to depend on that favoritism for my well being.

God's favor is so much better.

Anyway, this has been something that I have been dealing with. I have been scrambling hard for the past few months through a difficult report. I finally turned it in. I was nervous about it, seeing how I have been anxious.

Let's just say, I have been functioning well enough. But you know how, if you've ever played a record on a record player, you hear the music, the song playing....

... but you also hear the crackle and hiss in the background of the song due to the contact of the needle to the record.

That is how life at work has been. The crackle... the hiss... in the background of my mind has been bothersome.

I was praying some months ago and I remember saying... actually I think this supervisor is better for me, Lord. You would not have allowed this to happen if it would hurt me. So I am going to just roll with it all.

But I tell you one thing. I stayed my tail out of the way. You don't bother me, I won't bother you.

So I had my annual review last week some time. I was anxious about it, but whatever happened, I would deal with it. I am pretty much out of the way, and I did not know how I would score. Mind you, I had heard stories of people not signing their reviews and walking out on the discussions. I did NOT want to deal with that. Who wants to deal with that crap???? NO.

But you know what? I did much better than expected. And my supervisor was very detailed about expectations. It was a good discussion and I even got a chance to explain some things without it being a big mess.

I was happy for that. This may seem like a small thing, but it is just mentally painful to go to sleep thinking about work concerns and wake up thinking about work concerns and not being able to talk about it without judgement. I must say it was a hot topic of prayer.

I think prior to that, maybe a week ago, we had a 2 hour meeting over this technical report that has been giving me fits. THAT was a good meeting. That supervisor is like Yoda from star wars. I walked out with a better understanding than I did when I walked in.

And this has all been like a weight lifting off my shoulders. Off my mind and spirit.

And what better birthday gift could I ask for?

I cannot imagine.  The intangibles are so important to me. This was an intangible indeed.

The crackle... the hiss... in my mind isn't so loud anymore.

Then there's another question of concern.

Do you move and behave by what you see (your perception of things) or do you move by your faith and what you hope to see?

That is a hard question. I will be thinking about that for the rest of the year.

So today I am off. LadyTee is coming through and we are going to go do our Thelma and Louise rituals, as we always do on our birthdays. I look forward to this time together every year.

And I got a HUGE birthday present. HUGE. Just HUGE.

Look at THIS!

My girl! My friend! And the absolute BEST writing mentor in the galaxy!

The first person to officially publish a story of mine (where I got paid)...

The chick who has had to deal with my "stalker stan" antics for over a decade...

... is now an Oprah book club author...

Hmmm...

You know. I have a whole food-for-thought post concerning this.

And it is not what you think.

Man oh man... all this happened on the eve of my birthday. Happy birthday to ME! I will always connect this occurrence, this feat, with my 48th birthday!

HAPPY 48TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!