I'm Back. Prizewinners.

An Oldgirl is BACK.

In full full effect.

Well, not really. The current temperature is 34 degrees in the ATL.

The weather in the Dominican Republic averaged 85 degrees each day I was there...

**gas face**

You do the math.

DOGGONIT.

I want to be like them European peoples: go on "holiday", for 2 to 3 weeks. 5 days ain't enough!

And it's suppose to snow today! In the ATL.... starting at 10 a.m.

UGGGGHHH!!

*Blog family hollers "You want some cheese with all the whine?"*

NO.

Leave me alone. Let me whine!

So, I guess it is time for me to announce the winners of the 40 in 40 contest. It was more geared for the top commentors on the 40 food-for-thought posts over the the 40 days leading up to my birthday.

Now, I am upset about this.

You bloggers who have been reading me for years. How the hell do you let a LURKER win first prize? Can you tell me that? Chele? Southern Black Gal? Hassan? The rest of ya'll?

How did The Green Eyed Bandit win the top prize?

One of my favorite bloggers, Chele won second place, a 40 dollar gift card of her choice (default: Wal-mart or Target).

Now, Chele is kind of undercover. She's like that chick in the sunglasses who sits in the back of the club in a booth watching what goes down. You don't know what she's thinking, but you keep an eye on her while you're on the dance floor, because she might get up and beat a sucka down...

And you hope the sucka she whoops that night ain't you...

(Lawd have mercy, there's a storyline up in there somewhere, Chele. LOL).

You just don't know. And it's my theory that she was trying to kick out the 2nd place money prize. And she won that. Southern Black Gal was HOT on her trail, though. You almost missed it, Chele.

There are variuos other prizes. I think if you left 15 or more comments, you get a prize.

But, what was this big secret first prize?

Well, it goes to someone who LURKS here (Man, I'm STILL hot about that). And she knows me personally. Here's how the conversations have gone on the phone, and at finance meetings.

"Man, I can't believe you running the table on this contest, Tiff."
"Well, you won't pull my name out of a hat all those other times."
"I don't care, man. I can't control a random drawing."
"Yeah. And I'm gonna comment! I can control this," she yells. "I got this!"

And she YELLS that at whoever will listen. "SHE WON'T PULL MY NAME OUT OF A HAT, A BAG, A BOX, WHATEVER SHE USE!!!"

And she get all belligerent about it.

So... first prize...

What is it?

Hmmm....

What is Serenity23 holding?

What is that on the LBeezy's bed?



Oh my, what is that crimson and creme thing laying on that chair?




A blanket.

And I name my blankets. (They take 120 hours to make, so they get a name, doggonit!!)

Those above are the "Serenity Special", "The LBeezy Blues", and "The Lovebabz Supreme", respectively.

Yep, I was giving away a blanket for my birthday. Didn't want to mention it. Only mentioned the money prize.

So...Tiff, aka "The Green Eyed Bandit", you win a blanket, made with the colors of your choosing. I suppose you like the crimson and cream one, since you are a Delta. And it goes well with that whole crimson and cream living room of yours.

Let your girl know what colors. You'll get that by fall or earlier....

I'm working on baby blankets right now. Not sure what's up with all the babies... It's all good, though. They only take 30 hours to make. Thank goodness for that!!!

So congratulations Green Eyed Bandit. You ran the table, Ma. Good for you!!

Now you can return to lurk status.

I have a few vacay pics to put up. Didn't enjoy this one as much as I did the Mayan Riviera. It was SO geared toward Europeans, man!

But it was cool...

Look out for those next week.

And announcements of who won other prizes.

Post 40: Final Thoughts. Potpourri.

This is the last day.

This is the last day of this decade of my life.

Tomorrow, as I turn 40, I enter a new decade of my life. I turn the page in my book to a new page, a new chapter.

I turn 40.

Hmm… don’t you expect angels to bust out sanging or something?

LOL. No, that’s just all amazing to me. Me and LadyTee were talking about it yesterday. We were JUST in high school. Now we’re in our 40s?

We were amazed by that.

And as I look back over the past decade, I’m amazed by all the changes in my life. The past decade, my 30s, has been a time when I developed my beliefs and my heart. It is a time also when I became settled in my ways.

And as I looked back on the my “40 in 40” food-for-thought bonanza, extravaganza blowout, I think… Wow… I see a whole layout of what I think about…

What resides in my heart.

You don’t get to see much of that around these parts. The House of LadyLee is only 5% food for thought. It is solely meant for me to massage and develop that crazy silly smurfy area of my personality.

You’ve seen more of the private side of me.

More Alesia than LadyLee.

More Dr. Parker than LadyLee.

These are thoughts buried deep within the pages of the coffers of my personal tomes. Much of the subject matter came from a quick flip through those pages, something catching my eye that I spent so much time writing about.

I’ve seen places where I’ve matured. And I’ve seen places where there is room for growth. I’ve seen things I need to change.

I guess the operative words here are… I’ve seen.

I’ve seen much of who I am: what hurts, what confuses, what angers, what frustrates, what soothes, what relieves, what gives hope.

And I only got around to about 70% of what I wanted to cover.

This lets me know one thing: I have a wonderfully rich and colorful life.

No, it’s not a life that everyone longs to have. It is mine. It is unique. It is uniquely mine.

So, with that said… would you like to know some of the topics I wanted to write on, but didn’t make the cut, or I ran out of time. Here’s a quick rundown of some of the topics:

“The Love Post” – I wanted to write a post on what I thought about love. A hard post to write well enough to express my feelings. But an Oldgirl thinks much about love.

“Character is who you are when no one is looking”

“Sometimes it’s not the Enemy, it’s “Inner Me” that’s the problem”

“The Mystery of Strongholds”- I didn’t include that one because it would be too LONG. But it will get posted. It’s worth posting. This is one of Serenity23’s areas of interest and expertise. It is an area that I shun. I heard an exceptional sermon on it that cleared up the mystery behind it for me. But like I said, it was toooo long, even for me. But it will get posted in the future.

“Things I don’t Like, Part II” - I’ve often heard the comment, more in the past but not as much as I am older, “Oh, you wouldn’t understand, because you’re not a single mother, you don’t have a family” with and in the context of how easy my life is. Bothered me more as a younger person in my 20s than now. I don’t apologize for NOT being a single mother. If the pregnancy tests woulda came back positve, I would've had a load of kids of all ages. I wanted to write about that, but didn’t. It wasn't an angry thing. I just have to get over it when someone says that. Just mature up, shake it off, you know.

“My thoughts on Lupus” – wanted to post that, but didn’t. Most of ya’ll wouldn’t have known I had it if Southern Black Gal hadn’t requested a post on my “chronic illness”. So I didn’t want to talk about it again. I mention it here and there, but that’s about it.

“My Mother’s affect on my Life” – That topic is like lupus to me. So I left that out. I’ve talked about that much if you’ve read over the years. Know that I love my mother. I wish we had a relationship. But it is what it is. And I mourn that.

“One thing that Makes me shake my Fist at God” – Oh don’t look at me with that tone of voice. Stop getting all religious on me. I fail at religiosity. We all have that “one thing”. (Don't act. Please.) For me it’s when a woman loses her mother, and she was close to her mother. Makes me want to go outside and light a Molatav cocktail and toss that sucker as hard as I can at the sky, hoping it will reach heaven. Just hurts my heart so bad. BUT, I recognize God is not to blame for these things. I just be mad about it, that’s all. I am glad He don’t hold that against me and consoles me concerning it and gives me peace on it. That’s a good thing.

I was also going to post a couple of story excerpts. Ms. Blackliterature.com always loves those. She’ll be alright. She just had a new baby boy on the first of the month. I’m sure she don’t have time to read. Congrats, girl! I’m mailing lil’ Jacob’s blanket this morning.

There were a few more topics. But they were too complicated. Too doggone deep. I have to mull over those in my journals for awhile.

Like I said, you only saw the tip of the iceberg of LadyLee. Not even the tip. That was the frosty mist that emits from the iceberg.

With these 40 posts, I didn’t even take it deep. Could’ve went deeper and deeper.

I would like to thank you all for reading, even the lurking lurkers. You should’ve commented, as there were prizes at hand. You can’t beat free stuff. I wanted to give away something for MY birthday.

And I already know the winners, as I have this elaborate written chart of commenters on posts. So that is all closed down for now. That announcement will be up after I return from the Dominican Republic, no later than President’s day.

Like I said, thank you for reading. You should thank the House of LadyLee Food-for-Thought Gatekeeper Serenity23 for that, as she is the one who blows the whistle for me to post up more serious blog fodder. (She can’t stand too much of my smurfiness).

I will most definitely post on the topics above in the future…

These posts have been brought to you by That Original Oldgirl... LadyLee.

Specially dedicated to the Platinum Card Carryin' Original Oldgirls and Oldboy. Thanks for your influence on my life. All of ya'll's have helped me see life in a different way.

The last 40 days have been a glimpse into my life. A look at what I think about when it is quiet, and no one is looking, and there’s no one to impress. (Well, I don't get over into impressing folks, but you know hat I mean.

My life is unique.

It is unlike any other’s life before mine, or to come.
It is uniquely mine.

Thank you for allowing me to share a part of me with you for the past 40 days… I see that you got much from it.

So did I. It has been a springboard into a wonderfully unique future.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s birthday post.

Post 39: Vision Board Personal Statement, Part 11

Post #39 ya'll.

I can almost see the finish line!

Hope you're not expecting some spectacular birthday post. I ain't got the time. Hopping a plane the morning of my birthday. I around here trying to pack, and LadyTee is coming over later this morning so we can go hang out. So I better have all my ducks in a row, man! Not much time left!

So with that, I'ma finish up my personal vision statement. It's done me a WORLD of good to go through it with a fine tooth comb, and think about, you know, how I truly feel about it. Makes it more meaningful to me.

I've even added a line recently. I won't go into that, though.

As always, the portion hightlighted in green is the focus of the post.

"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."

A good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with...

This is something in which I ebb and I flow. I'm a bit on the fence.

Yeah, I make good money. I pay my bills. I even tithe.

But I could be doing better with my money.

And I'm always thinking about that. I mean you will never hear of me running around whining about money. I do quite the opposite.

"My needs are well supplied. I have more than enough. God takes good care of me."

(Some of ya'll know who my pastor is. Uh, that has been banged into my head. I actually believe that...)

Yeah, my needs are met. I was thinking back the other day, that I have increased every single year. My pastor gave a very intersting finance seminar a few years ago, and I promised myself that I would always be involved in some type of finance group. So, I've managed to keep that goal, with some of my book club sistas, in being a member of the Financial Freedom Fighters, nicknamed the "Triple F Possee".

Yeah, we got a gang sign and all that, as demonstrated here by my lil bro Milk and Cookies as he happily lounges on my sofa...

I have to do things like that, because it all comes down to me being a better steward, a better watcher over my funds.

For there's a verse that I think of immediately when I think of being a fine manager of my finances:

Luke 16:10 KJV He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.

Another version of that verse:

Luke 16:10 NIV "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."

The Message Bible version is more head-knocking:

Luke 16:10 MES "If you're honest in small things, you'll be honest in big things; If you're a crook in small things, you'll be a crook in big things."

That's putting it rather bluntly.

And ya'll know that's true. In finances and every other matter of life.

It's all a matter of being faithful in the very little things.

And that's my desire concerning my finances: to be faithful in the little things.

Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Nope, I don't go on spending sprees, and neglect my bills. Nothing like that. But I do need to concentrate on the little things.

I feel as though God blesses us with the ability to make money, get money, etc. He is responsible for 100% of my money in my hands. I should be consulting Him on what I should do with my money. It is a sign of respect and of trust. And it takes God trusting me with what He's given me to be a good steward over in the first place.

I plan to be more stringent about all of this.

I do tend to hum along... I don't make bold strides financially. For some very odd reason, my finance group thinks that I can just write a check and be down with my debt. That makes me sad. I wish I could do such. But I can't. But it I am glad that they think I have sooooo much money! lol

My thoughts about this right now are this: take a look at things, and just be honest with myself. I have a finance accountability partner, and my goal right now is to send her 3 or 4 small goals a week... I learned from my goals technologist blogger Aretha that I don't have to meet the goals, and not to get down on myself if I don't, but at least make the goals and write them dwon.

Just imagine if I could accomplish one small goal a week this year.

That's 52 goals accomplished. That's alot.

And it's all additive.

And it's a critical component of being faithful.

Another thing I plan to do to be a bit more faithful: take a scapel to areas where I do a little too much spending. Just be stringent and cognizant about those areas. Not all that hard, since we focus on such in our finance group. It's just a matter of me being consistent. And making the weekly goals will help with that.

It is my belief that if I'm faithful with the little I have, God will trust me with much.

I do believe that. And I will definitely continue to aspire to achieve the last line of my vision statement.

Well, that's it for my vision statement. It made up 11 out of the 40 posts.

It definitely gave me something to think about.

And it gives me hope for a good future.

Post 38: A Conversation of a Lifetime

INTEGRITY

That's what it comes down to.

It's where the rubber meets the road.

It is the cornerstone of character.

The crown jewel of honor.

It is something with which I struggle and wrestle,

Something I'm learning to understandm, desire, and hold close:

INTEGRITY.

And it was the subject of one of the most important conversations I've had in my life...

Close to 5 years ago, this was the subject of a good long talk between me and one of my coworkers, Richard.

He was a caucasian man, close to 70 years old, I believe. A good-natured man with a head full of white hair. Very sprite, full of energy. If he had a beard, he'd make a perfect Santa Claus. He was always joking about something, loved playing little practical jokes on us (like leaving a fake roach on your desk).

He kept us laughing.

I would walk up on him while he was in the lab sometimes. And he would be taking that time alone to pray.

*Lee slowly backing out the room so that Richard could have his prayer time*

We even talked about it. I loved his method of prayer, and even use it as my own. And still do to this day.

Richard told of stories of how he and his brothers and sisters were all birthed on the family dining room table. He told us of the Christmas gifts he received as a child: 2 oranges and if they were lucky, some nuts and peppermint candies.

(Oh, we laughed a bit TOO hard at him. Thought he was joking. Could you imagine giving today's children some fruit and nuts? And that's ALL they get? LOL!)

He always threw Bible trivia at us. And we would scramble to try to answer his question concerning it all.

He talked of having grandchildren of all races and colors. "I have half black grandkids, vietnemese, white, and the like," he'd say with a grin. "I love them all. I look at them, and they're my babies, I love all of them!"

Yes, he loved his grandkids.

And he would keep me in check.

And you gotta be a tough son of a gun to keep me on lock.

I remember one time we had a work group meeting, and my boss was TRIPPIN'. I was disgusted, as I felt we were being talked down to. Another meeting was called a couple of days later, and I decided that I was not going (my own personal boycott of 1).

Richard came in the lab to let me know to come on and get ready for the meeting.

"Man, **** that! I ain't going to no d*** meeting. I get sick of being treated like sh**!!"

(Yeah, I was mad that day. That was before my 72 hour anger management rule was in affect. Book of Cuss was open wide, pages flipping uncontrollably!)

He wasn't bothered by that. He knew I was hotheaded. He listened to me snap. Calmed me down. Said a few words ("Well, you can't worry about that, LadyLee. We're going to go to this meeting, and we will get a little something from it.)

I followed him on down the hall. Grumbling, but I went on to the meeting. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I made sure to let Richard know that. I thanked him for being patient with me and helping me along.

We always had convos like that. He knew how to encourage me, reel me back to reality. He knew how to encourage us all.

I liked how he didn't judge me.

But Richard and I had plenty of convos... along with one I'd forever think of as one of the most important of my life.

We were back in the lab together alone, working on various samples. Most of our coworkers were off downtown somewhere involved in some training. I'm not sure how I got out of it (I am notorious for trying to steer clear of any training where I have to do extra work related stuff involving travelling around town or out of state, even).

There were some postings for supervisor in our building. Management is not well liked by us commoners, and I asked Richard about this.

"Richard, why don't you apply? You'd make a great supervisor!"
He shook his head, poured some petroleuem ether into his sample flask. "No, not my thing."
"Why not?" I asked. "Everybody likes you. You know your stuff. You should apply. We need some decency up in this camp. 'Cuz they all got problems."
"Nope. Can't do it."
"Why?"

He was concerned about his hearing, for one thing. He'd been a Lieutenant in the Army, commanding tanks. The explosions from other tanks shooting at them, and their own gunfire had diminished his hearing. So he didn't want to deal with that strain to hear people.

The other thing that concerned him was integrity.

"To be in management, you have to put aside your integrity."
"So," I said. "It's a raise. More money."
"Not worth my integrity. My integrity is everything."

I was lost at that. Integrity? Whatever. We just needed someone with a lick of sense in management. We needed real leadership, and not the joy luck club that was running the spot.

"You have to recognize, LadyLee," he said. "You have to be able to backstab people, do ugly things to people, bring them down, do all kinds of things."

"You got that right," I said. I always joked that management had a picture of me as a part of their glorious managing class packets. "This is who you mess with right here: the smiling LadyLee!" LOL

"I can't do those things, LadyLee. It's called compromising your integrity, and I'm just not that type of person. It's not worth it."

We talked more about that as we worked side by side, working up our experiments. It was a good talk. A great one, considering that we could talk freely without any interruptions. No one was around.

Around that time, I was dealing with an all important question:

At the end of my life, do I want to say, Yeah... look at all I did in life: I got to the top by stabbing this one in the back, brownnosing that one, working that angle, undercutting that person, etc...

Or do I want to be able to say Yeah, I worked hard. I prayed hard. I operated honestly, with good character, and integrity.

One is an easier road than the other.

But I learned from Richard that day to take the road less traveled: the road of hard work, prayer, honesty, good character, and integrity.

It's a rocky road. Mostly uphill. Treacherous. Lonely. But it's the right road.

I felt a little peace in my heart that afternoon after talking with Richard.

We went on to finish up our work. I yelled goodbye to him as he donned his sunglasses, grabbed his satchel, and walked down the hall towards the exit.

I felt alright about life that afternoon. I understood that it was okay to not compromise who I was and who I was striving to be: a good, honest person with integrity. I had a long way to go, but at least I had an understanding of it all.

Little did I know that that would be the last time I saw Richard.

He was killed in a car accident the next morning, while on his way to work.

A drunk driver had crossed the median on the expressway and hit that car. Richard hit that car. Richard and the other driver got out of the car to look at the damage. Another car came around the corner on the freeway and ran into them. Richard didn't make it.

I remember looking for him that morning, as he always got in around 5 or 6 a.m. Around 10, someone said something.

That was a sad sad day.

And one that made me shake in my shoes.

Through my tears, I thank God that day, for allowing me to have that one last all important talk with Richard.

I'll never forget that talk on the subject of integrity, while we worked up samples.

I thought of that as we all traveled to his funeral, and gazed upon the collages, pictures of a storied life: life as a track star, life in the military, a life as a loving husband, father and grandfather.

I thought of a great man, and how he took the time to school me on this thing called

INTEGRITY.

I've had to have talks of integrity with others over the years... pouring into people the knowledge that Richard poured into me.

Had one just last month.

It is something I yearn for, something I want anchored in my heart. Just like with my vision statement, I ain't there yet.

But my eye is on the prize.

And oh what a prize it is...

This thing called integrity.

I miss Richard. I miss his humor, his stories, his instruction.

I miss his integrity.

But I have his words and thoughts on integrity... tucked away in my heart.

Forever.

Post 37: Vision Board Personal Statement, Part 10

Man oh man... I am almost finished with the 40 in 40 posts.

I'm a tad bit disappointed that I have an additional 10 posts that I wanted to do, but alas, time has almost ran out. I have to select a couple more and keep it moving. So it suffices to say, a few things will be posted down the road.

So with that said, more thoughts on my vision board personal statement. As always, the part of interest for this post is highlighted in green.

"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."

"I accept and openly welcome constuctive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me".

A better me.

That is my goal. That is what I want to become.

And I've read through the book of Proverbs a few times, and I've seen quite a few themes tightly woven throughout. One of those is that I really need to be doing all I can to get wisdom. I really need to be chasing it down at all times. And one of the components of that is to be open to criticism and wise counsel. Always be willing to seek it out, to listen and to make any necessary corrections.

I heard a most interesting verse some 20 years ago, and it has stayed on my mind all these years:

Proverbs 12:1 (CEV) To accept correction is wise, to reject it is stupid.

*crickets*

I don't want to be stupid.

And then I found a verse last year that had me raising my eyebrows. I mentioned it in a post the other day.

Proverbs 10:17 (AMP) He who heeds instruction and correction is [not only himself] in the way of life [but also] is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof [not only himself] goes astray [but also] causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others.

So, my ability to humble myself and follow instruction will not only help me, but help others, as I can pass on what I learn to them. Likewise, my rejection of criticism and instruction not only has me looking crazy, but will cause me to lead others down a bad path of ruin.

That is some craziness right there. But if I look all around me, there are many examples of that. Many.

But that criticism and correction part is the hard part for me.

I find that there is rarely any construction to it. I need that criticism to be heathly and helpful.

I told my boss that folks wanna talk mess. People always got something to say. But I rarely hear "Okay, I've said this, and here's a possible solution."

I rarely hear that. And that's why I think I get hot when I get criticized. I feel like I've been left hanging. You've given me part A, but left off part B. And at the point, the criticism has really just morphed into a bunch of whining and complaining.

And there's no construction to that.

No, I want to be open to constructive criticism. I want to be able to recognize it. I want to be able to internalize it and take action.

For it is meant to help me.

I've understood that over the years. And the older I get, the more I am open to it.

It is a rare thing. It is a rare thing for me to even give constructive criticism. You have to REALLY force me to give it. I just don't like giving my opinion on anything that anyone is doing. For you see, I am usually watching a person's behaviour and then searching my own heart and life to make sure I'm not exhibiting such.

But I must say, when I do get the constructive criticism, and I take it and do what I have to do, it's a good thing.

And I simply need more of that. For there have been too many times I've been doing the wrong thing and not recognizing it. I have few people around me who will verbally chincheck me.

Very few, though.

And those few, well, I need to heed and listen to, a bit more.

That much I can admit.

"I accept and openly welcome constuctive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me".

That is one of the cornerstones to reaching that setting of "a better me".

Post 36: Time, Man!

I know when I'm talking with my friends, discussing the things us womens like to discuss, my answers usually end with a short short suggestion.

"Time, man! Give it time!"

(This tends to cause Serenity in particular to angrily walk away and twist out her hair, lol. She don't like to hear that!)

For everything takes time. When we're confused about things, when we don't know what to do, when we feel like our feet are stuck in the mud, one thing takes care of all of that...

The passage of time.

Time never lies.

Never.

But I don't like that. I want what I want, right here, right now. I need to know the answer, right here, right now.

But what will that prove? Nothing.

Time has to pass. There are no quick fixes.

No woman has a baby instaneously. There's a period of time that has to pass, from conception to birth.

Establishing the good in my life takes time. Wringing the bad out of my life takes time.

Development takes time. Likewise, deterioration takes time.

Everything is time dependant.

Time, man!

You can't get away from it.

You don't know if that man's lying to you, or how he really feels about you? Shoot, you don't even know how you feel about that man?

Don't worry yourself. Give it time. You'll know what's up after some time has passed.

Everything happens in time.

But we're living in a very precarious time right now.

Time feels as if it's compressed. All of a sudden, we have a gazillion things to do, in so little time.

There is no time.

When, last time I checked, the length of a second, a minute, and an hour has not changed. It has not shortened or lengthened.

Time never changes. It remains the same.

So I have learned that I must respect this thing called time.

This time given to me on this earth.

And I must push to use it wisely.

For there is a time to work.

And there is a time to play.

But there is no time waste.

Post 35; Vision Board Personal Statement, Part 9

Hark!

'Tis the first day of February!

7 days 'til my Star Date: 2.7.10.

Just a few more posts to go before we get to #40, hunh?

My oh my, time flies when you're having fun...

Well, these posts aren't "fun", per say... just introspective. Some is good for my heart. Some is just downright painful. All of it is necessary.

It's my act of respect for being given 40 years of this thing here called... life.

So with that said, I'll continue looking closely at my personal vision statement. As always, the part of discussion for the present post is highlighted in green.

"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."

Paths.

If you notice, I talk much about paths.

Because let's face it: nothing in life is instantaneous. If so, it is rare.

Everything in life is set in motion with a thought. Everything.

Wars, relationships, friendships, careers, vacations, love, hate, crime- everything- begins with a thought.

And then a path opens up.

And we set out on the good path. Or hopefully stay off those bad paths.

Paths lead somewhere.

Nothing just happens.

Nothing.

And would we want it any other way?

I wouldn't.

Should it be any other way?

Nope. Especially when it comes to spiritual matters.

For you see, I think of this often: what would happen if everything I prayed for happened instantaneously? Yeah, yeah I know I want that. Me and impatient self. I want everything right now.

But what would happen if there was no process involved, no "path"?

I tell you what would happen: There would be no personal growth. More specifically, there would be no opportunity for my faith in God to grow. No opportunities for me to grow in maturity, to grow in trust... No opportunity for me to help other people. Nothing.

So even though I'm impatient, I can appreciate the purposes of the paths of my life. I've stomped down some pretty bad ones, and ended up in some bad places. Those paths cater to my own pleasures and selfishness. Period.

I've walked faithfully down some good ones, and ended up in the desired place.

I am more interested for the purposes of this post in the paths that open up as a result of my prayers. Those are paths planned and charted out by God.

For this is how things work for me: I pray about things, and stuff immediately begins to happen. No, in the majority of cases, the prayer is not immediately answered.

But God does something with me: He likes to kill 50 birds with one stone.

So a path opens up. And I realize, it ain't about getting to the desired destination that's important, but allll the stuff that happens along the journey to said destination are of equal, if not higher importance.

There's a tunnel. And I got tunnel vision like no other. But there are a myriad of interesting stops along the tunnel. And they are necessary when looking at the whole journey.

Because you see, the journey to there, albeit straight or curvy, is littered with people, places and things, all of which are placed intentionally to:

1. Help me grow in some fashion- in wisdom, in patience, in love, in honesty, and whatever else.

2. To work out the many kinks in my heart, i.e., bad habits, bad attitudes.

3. To affect the lives of others.

4. To develop my faith, trust and confidence in God.

And I'm sure there are many other intentions. But I think that basically covers it all.

Knowing this really irradicates any stank attitudes I would have. One thing I don't like to see in myself, and in others (but I see all the time), is when we get all pissed at God because He didn't answer a prayer.

You mean to tell me allllll that He has done for us, and we have the nerve and the gall to get mad at Him because He don't jump when we say jump?

Wow. Just wow. I catch myself in this, very rarely as I get older, and it stuns me.

But He is all knowing, and knows the proper way of dealing with things, and sends us on a path.

So those are my thoughts on path and why I think about the "path" so much.

A walk down a path occurs over some unspecified length of time. And I am always fascinated with my walk on my own path, and other's walks on their own.

I recognize it and am thankful for it.

"I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life."

Now, the most interesting words in that sentence occur early on: "stick and hold fast to the path".

One of my issues is that I need to work on sticking and holding fast to the path.

I tend to be a bit trifling. One thing I really dislike about myself is my inconsistency. I am a terribly inconsistent person.

For I'm the type, yeah, I'm on a path, but I tend to see something off on the side of the path, and I stop walking to observe, i.e, I get distracted. At times, I've been like a drunk woman who's fallen off the path into some bush, and someone has had to come along and throw some rocks at me, or grab my foot and drag me out. I've turned around and walked the wrong way on the path. I've been angry at God, and I've set a bomb on the path, and blown it up.

I've done all kinds of mess.
And that disturbs me.

The older I get, I understand that I need to stick and hold fast to the plan, man. Keep moving forward. If I'm operating in unbelief, I need to work on that. If I'm mad with God, I need to go head on work on it. If I keep looking in the rear view mirror at the failures of my past, I need to work on that!

For the very act of being cognizant and working on my issues, well, that constitutes me sticking and holding fast to the path. That is a testament of my faith, no matter how small and insignificant it may be or feel.

That is the essence of what that sentence of that vision statement means to me and my heart.

I, LadyLee, stays on the right path. No matter what.

Whether stopping, slowing down, or running full speed ahead, stick and hold fast to the path.

I ain't there yet.

But the thermostat is set.

An Oldgirl is getting more consistent. I'm understanding the plan and purposes of the path. I'm getting better at evaluating myself and making the necessary corrections.

And with faith, I will reach that goal soon enough. I truly believe that.

Post 34: Faith and Feelings

I must admit...

Not only to you, but moreso to myself...

That my faith is not always where it should be.

And I don't feel bad about that.

I am woman enough to admit that, and not hide from it.

Because let's face it... is anyone out there operating in 100% faith?

No.

That's because faith is like a muscle: it's always in the process of being built. And if it's not being built up, it's probably weakening.

I'm always building up in my faith. But situations in life come along where I must stir up my faith and then execute.

I learned something very interesting from blogger That Southern Black Gal a while back in a short email convo: I may want something, but my faith has to catch up. My faith has to get to the point where I will step out.

My faith is always being tested. It's always being proved. It's always being built up.

I can see that's the case, as confirmed by Hebrews 12:2

(AMP) Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection].

My faith is alway being brought to maturity. It is constantly being perfected.

And I gotta remember that, man!

And I think about that often. Where is my faith concerning this situation I'm facing? I need to at least have the courage to admit when I know my faith is not ready to take on a situation. Then I need to have more courage to sit down and figure out what to do to increase my faith.

I do relalize that my faith is always being thrown through a bunch of filters: my logic, my experiences, what Oprah said, what the media said, what Dr. Phil said, what they say on Twitter, on the Facebook, on the blogs, and everywhere else, even all the junk I feed my soul on a daily basis...

Before I get to what God says...

For I always hear 2 Corinthians 5:7 shouted with glee...

"For we walk by faith, not by sight!"

But it takes a minute to get there. Well, I don't know about you, but for me it does.

The amplified version of that verse presents a more stoic view of faith:

2 Corinthians 5:7 (Amplified) For we walk by faith [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man's relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sight or appearance.

That means to me that I live and conduct my life by my trust and belief in God, not by my trust and belief in my circumstances.

I trust God! Not what this situaion says!

It takes a moment though, to be able to shout THAT from the hills.

Hebrews 11:1 gives the biblical definition of faith:

(KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

(AMP) NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].

Hmmm...

The last part of that amplified verse catches my eye.

Faith perceives as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.

Faith moves beyond what I say, see, touch, smell or hear concerning the situation.

And it confirms what I learned a long time ago, and I'm STILL trying to get a grip on.

My faith MUST go past my feelings.

My faith MUST go past alllll the question marks.

I'm finding, when looking back on my life experiences, that nothing happened while I was considering the matter, and all muddled in my feelings.

It's when I make a quality decision to leave all that behind, and decide to grasp hold of my faith and move forward that I see things begin to happen...

It's when I stop asking all the questions, and sarcastically questioning God on the matter that things start to move.

Until then, my feet stay stuck in the thick sticky mud of my feelings...

And I move nowhere fast.

Move nowhere in my head.

Move nowhere in my heart.

Move nowhere in my life.

Move nowhere in my reliance and trust in God.

(Sounds a little like that ol' reciprocal of faith to me: fear).

My faith. It must go past my fear tinged feelings.

My faith. It must go past all the skeptical questions...

For it is nothing that I can figure out with my feelings, with my logical mind.

That's the only way it will build up, become strong.

That's the only way I can carry on.

Post 33: Temporary

One thing I realize...

One thing I've come to know is true:

Everything is temporary.

EVERYTHING!

Every thought, every feeling, every situation, every event, every life...

It's all temporary.

That's a huge statement. Huge.

But you know when it was that I realized that everything is temporary?

When I was in school. It took me 12 years to get all my degrees. I started college when I was 16 and I didn't finish until the age of 28. Twelve long years. And that doctorate mess was the worst. Man, we thought we thought it was the end of the world! That was some craziness.

But you know what?

It's all over.

It was TEMPORARY.

I finished school eleven and a half years ago.

It. is. over.

It was merely a temporary situation.

I started it, went through it, and finished. Period.

Now, this is my opinion. Really it is. But for me, it rings true.

And I understood one thing, and I see it in a lot of people, including myself:

When I'm upset about something that happens, I am usually upset because I am reacting to the whole thing being permanent.

Like with any break-up I've had. Just looking back, I'm upset because we broke up, it's over, and I'll never meet another man, blah, blah, blah...

And we know that ain't true. It was a temporary situation, and life moves on. I'll meet new men and do new things. Thank goodness I'm out of that bad temporary situation.

I think like that now. But not in the past. I've learned not to get over into panic.

Panic is groundless fear. Fear with no real basis.

I know I react more to the harsh pictures I build in my mind about stuff, moreso than to the situation.

The situation is temporary. Always.

A different way of thinking, I know. Oh well. I'm a different kind of Oldgirl.

But I heard something a good 10 years ago that has stuck with me.

One of the assistant pastors at my New Orleans church was speaking on the subject of perserverance.

And he said some things that I know all women can relate to:

"Ladies, when you go get your hair done, it look all nice and all."
He had all our attentions then. We know about going to the hair salon.
"But you can't go just once. You have to go every six weeks, sometimes every month."
He got a lot of head nods on that one.
"That's because that hairdo is temporary. And you need to understand that about any situation you're going through right now. It's temporary. Just like a hairdo."

That was a light bulb moment for me.

Everything is temporary, like a hairdo. If I think of things like that, I can become more solution-minded versus being out all up in arms over the problem. Every problem has some solution.

Everything is temporary. Even our lives.

We are born. We live. We die. Period.

Morbid way of looking at things, but it is what it is: temporary.

But as I said, my thinking changed for the better when I thought like this, especially in situation that seem hopeless.

No it's not hopelss, only temporary. And I can and will get through it.

A lesson learned indeed.

One that I'll take into my 40th year. One I'll remember for the rest of my days.

Post 32: Judgmental

JUDGMENTAL

Such a harsh word, ain't it?

And I ain't gonna even bother to look it up. All kinds of images and thoughts flood my mind when I see that word.

For we all know what it means. To me, it means the act of pondering people, places, and situations and making decisions about how you view them, and what they mean to your life. Making decisions that these things are either good or detrimental to your life.

Sometimes being judgmental can go astray. It can get a bit off, where we constantly make assessments of people, whether they are good enough or don't measure up. Yeah, that's an assessment that we all make, but for some reason, we tend to project all that.

Well, I don't know about you, but that's the case with me. And I've been on both sides of that stick.

I'm rendered good enough.

Or, I don't measure up.

Neither should have anything to do with how I feel about myself.

But they do.

And I'm learning, as I get older one thing: it ain't what other's think of you, but what you think of yourself that's important.

So if I'm judged on the negative tip, so be it. As I always say, if I don't measure up, if I ain't good enough for you, or if I'm a detriment in your life, RUN from me. And I mean RUN FAST.

'Cuz who needs that?

Really.

I think our society teaches us to be judgmental. You see it all throughout out media -film, music, books, everything.
We are constantly judging.

But when I think of being judgemental, I always find myself going back and reading the first part of Romans, chapter 2. Let's just say... NOBODY ever mentions this part. I've heard chapter 1 a lot, as it is constantly used by Evangelicals to denounce hom.o.sex.ua.lity, but they don't follow it up with the next chapter.

I came across this verse some 10 years ago, and only heard it mentioned recently. I like finding biblical truths on my own. It sticks with me, especially the part I highlighted in red.

Romans 2: 1-4 (Message)Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done. You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

I like that message version. It is a straight up hard and swift kick in the teeth.

It seems that having a judgmental mindset denotes one thing: I'm not dealing with my own mess.

Period.

And that ain't good.

For if I spend time earnestly dealing with what's going on in my own house (my heart and life), I ain't got time to be worried about what's going on in someone else's house.

Really.

Keep things in perspective here. You know what I'm talking about. That constant judging of people, got a problem with anybody and everybody. That "turning up the nose at everybody" type of thing.

Just judgmental as all get-out.

And I'm also talking about that ol' subtle stuff we do, too.

You know what I'm talking about.

I have this issue just like everybody else. I can definitely tell as I've gotten older, I've matured. People are who they are, and it is wrong for me to think everyone should measure up to this almost impossible standard I've set up, and vice-versa.

We should be working hard on meeting the standards we set for others.... working hard on meeting those standards our ownselves.

Yeah. It's painful to look at oneself and judge oneself. It's a very solitary act.

But I do it everyday. With Romans 2 in mind.

And it turns the inner thermostat setting from "selfishness" to "selflessness".

There's no time to worry about what others are doing. And the only time that is right is when I can ask the question "Can I be helpful in this situation? Can I judge the situation, and offer some sense of help and encouragement of some sort to help it move in a bettter direction?"

Other than that, I'm probably being judgmental because I'm procrastinating in dealing with my own problems. I'm learning to face that, and learning to deal with it expediently.

An unorthodox way of looking at things, I suppose. But let's face it, anything that goes against the grain of our popular culture is just that... unorthodox.

And I wouldn't have it any other way. Really.

Post 31: The Mysterious Motive Machine

Everything...

And I mean everything...

Everything with me is about 2 things:

MOTIVE

AGENDA

2 small words. Both only 6 letters long. But they pack much power. They're the reason behind world wars, murders, politricks, heartaches and heartbreaks... every betrayal known to man.

MOTIVE

AGENDA

2 short words. Both only 6 letters long. But they are more dangerous than a loaded gun. They pack more deadly power than a nuclear bomb.

Responsible for everything I do... every single step I do make.

And let's hope they're good.

Good motives. Good agenda.

Sometimes they're bad.

Bad motives. Bad agenda.

And you know me. I love the shows Snapped, Law and Order, all that craziness...

And you know why?

Because it is all an exercise in the exposure of motive. One of the early questions always asked is "Who committed the crime, and what was the motive?" And then they go back and tell the whole story, trying to pinpoint where things went wrong, and what was the thing that caused the person to commit that crime. And then the whole plan, agenda, is laid out in court... and it has to be proven.

Motive. Agenda. Motive. Agenda.

Simple words. But they're more complicated than any machine.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Oldgirl is all about motive and agenda.

And if you've been lounging on the sofa at the House of LadyLee for any length of time...

You know how I do:

Gotta go look up my definitions in the dictionary, Mayne.

Motive: something that moves a person; an inducement, something that leads a person on; an incentive, something that inspires a person. Motive is applied mainly to an inner urge that moves or prompts a person to action, though it may also apply to a contemplated result, the desire for which moves the person

Agenda: A list or program of things to be done or considered; a plan of action

Very simple defiinitions. And everything with me is about those two things.

As usual, I like to relay a little scriptural reference. Just a couple of quick ones. There are plenty more, but two come to mind when I think of motive in particular.

James 4:2-3 (AMP)
You are jealous and covet [what others have] and your desires go unfulfilled; [so] you become murderers. [To hate is to murder as far as your hearts are concerned.] You burn with envy and anger and are not able to obtain [the gratification, the contentment, and the happiness that you seek], so you fight and war. You do not have, because you do not ask. [Or] you do ask [God for them] and yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures.

I Corinthians 4:5 (NLT) So don’t make judgments about anyone ahead of time—before the Lord returns. For he will bring our darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives.

Another version of that verse: ...When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers.

Interesting.

My oh my, I just found out the reason why a prayer may not get answered. Shoot, I found out the root to a whole bunch of crap in that James verse . That verse is bananas. Goodness gracious alive!

More interestingly, I found out what God's criteria is when He views me: He looks very closely at what is going on in my heart. VERY closely-- at my darkest secrets, my private motives, inner motives, purposes, prayer--- ALL DAT.

Hmmm...

That word purpose is an interesting word.

It is synomymous with agenda. Is it not?

So if He's doing that... uh, then I better get the slack out and do it too, don't cha think?

THIS is the reason why I say everything with me is about my motives and agendas...

What is my motive behind doing or wanting certain things?

Are my motives good? Or are they bad, i.e., selfish in nature?

I spend MUCH private time thinking about this. I will spend all kinds of time journalling about it. All kinds of time.

You see because before I even THINK about going and praying about certain stuff, I spend time examining my motives and purpose for praying about it. It might take me a minute to figure out if I got bootleg motives, or I may have to spend time praying about what my motives are... before I even build up the faith to pray about the issue.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I have to scratch praying about some things... because I have bad motives.

And until those motives turn right side up, and get right, then I let it go.

I may as well spend my time on praying for other people. That is MUCH better time spent.

Come on now, you all with kids... especially older ones. You know how you feel when your kids come at you sideways asking for stuff. Stuff that they probably know that they shouldn't be having. You're not gonna give it to them. Heck, they might wolf up and get mad at you, try to manipulate you. Yet you know if you give them what they are not ready for, it may be harmful or dangerous. May not be the right time for them to have it.

Or you may figure out a pattern of sorts: they only run up on you when they want something.

You know your children's hearts. And you know how you have a hand in training them up to be responsible individuals, to do what they do out of a good heart.

And you know it's your business to protect them. By any means necessary.

That's my experience with God. Uh, I learn REAL quick when I'm praying about something out of ulterior motives. I can tell you everything-the what, the why, the how- of why some of my prayers aren't answered. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother praying about some things. I KNOW I got bad motives about certain things. I may write about one of those things later, but not now. (Yeah, I "hear" you wondering to yourself what I'm talking about, lol.)

Examination of the heart is everything. I myself must admit it is a very painful process at times. I don't like learning that I want something for selfish reasons.

But I've learned to take a little time, a little "me" time, and at least make an effort to be honest with myself.

That's the only way I can be honest before God.

That's the only way I can close my eyes and pray, and tell God, "Hey, uh, my heart ain't in the right place concerning this. I'm just letting you know. Please help me get my heart right on this matter, so I can properly pray about it. I want to pray about it, but I'm a bit shady concerning it. Can't quite put my finger on the issha, but I'm just letting You know. Shoot, I'm not all that sure about how I actually feel about the situation."

Simple enough.

And a LOT of stuff happens real quick, to show me my heart on the matter. FAST.

Hey, I'm cool with that, the unraveling of the mystery of my motives, this mystery more complicated than any machine.

But when God examines all those things in my heart:

My private motives

My dark secrets

My purposes

My inner urges

My resulting agenda

ALL OF THAT...

It's my hope that He will find something good and pure... Sometimes he doesn't. I'm not ashamed to admit that.

But He is a faithful sculptor, and my heart is an imperfect lump of clay. He chisels away the imperfections, the bad motives, all the messes, to reveal that which is good in me, that which He sees... His vision of the purpose and potential that He will mold me to fulfill.

That's where my faith and hope lay... especially as I step over into my 40th year.

Yes indeed.

Post 30: Lessons from My Granddaddy

Here's a picture of my Grandfather, circa 2000 I believe, with my brother Milk and Cookies.



That's one of the last pictures I have of him, as he died a year later.

I must admit, I do miss him so. He was the only consistent male figure in my life.

He gave me my nickname of "Lee". Not sure how my mother feels about that, as my bro and sis, who have very odd names, don't have nicknames.

I've posted interesting stories about him on my blog, like the ones about pogo sticks and sharks.

I remember some 20 yeears ago, he and I had a most interesting conversation, one I'll never forget.

"Lee, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a crack addict if you want."
"What?"
"Yes, it's okay to be on crack."
"No, it's not."
"Yes it is. As long as you're not affecting nobody else's life but your own, it's okay. You can do anything you want, as long as it's not messing up other folks lives."
"I guess you're right."

He was right. It's okay to have addictions and what-not.
You can do anything you want really...

As long as it is not affecting somebody else's life.

And thinking on it from that perspective... NO, it's not okay to be a crack addict. Hell, you will probably get to the point where you all smoked out, and stealing from your loved ones to support that crack habit. You caught up in all kinds of craziness, trying to chase that high...

And it is probably stressing out everyone around you.

So no, it's not alright to do anything you want. As it is affecting people...

This goes for crack addiction, alcholism, and any other "-ism".
It also goes for stuff we don't consider all that bad, like lying, backbiting, gossiping, laziness, anger, envy... you name it.

What we do affect others.

But I didn't truly understand what my Granddaddy meant until I came across a very interesting verse last year in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 10:17 (KJV) He is in the way of life that keepeth instruction: but he that refuseth reproof erreth.

*crickets*

I'm not all the big on the King's English. My grandmother has a degree in bible psychology, and said if I want to know what the bible really says, I need to go learn some Hebrew and Greek. (Uh, I don't think so.)

But there's a version of the bible that pulls real heavy off the greek and Hebrew: the Amplified Version. The verses are a lot longer because of the fuller direct translations, but more detailed. I do believe the greek is in parentheses, and the hebrew is in brackets.
(Something like that.)

So the same verse above in the Amplified Version reads:

He who heeds instruction and correction is [not only himself] in the way of life [but also] is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof [not only himself] goes astray [but also] causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others.
I've read about 15 different versions of that verse, and that version has the most juice.

And I thought of my strange talk with my grandfather when I read it.

It does get to the root of things, don't it?

A lot in life is based on if I accept or reject the role of wisdom and constructive criticism of others in my life. My path in life is loosely connected to my ability to seek and use advise wisely.

And interestingly, I'm not only affecting my own life with my decisions and choices, but I'm affecting the lives of others. In ways I know and in ways I don't know.
There are countless examples of such. On the positive tip (and we see this in blogland), if someone meets a certain goal they've been pushing for, it has an affect on others.

For instance, Chele has been documenting on and off her thoughts and path toward irradicating fear from her life... the ups and downs, highs and lows, triumphs, tribulations, failures...the ebb and flow of it all. Uh, that has an affect on me, and many others, as many of us have similar issues. She sure has me thinking about it A LOT, that's for sure. It has me thinking, and taking action.

Her positive journey towards faith and away from fear is affecting others. I'm sure it's affecting the people in her life, especially her offspring, her children.

Got me 'bout to get the words "I am NOT afraid" tattooed across my forehead, man.

(I know Chele is like "Why is she always picking at me?" Cuz I can, lol. And it is a good and fine example).
I've been trekking on the vegetarian tip for the past 7 months, with all its highs and lows and whatnot. That's affected A LOT of people. Which strikes me as odd, but whatever. People ask me for advice. I don't know much, but I can tell you what I do know, and hope it's helpful.
On the negative tip, a most unassuming one:
People don't know you're a cleptomaniac. You're a shoplifter like no other.
But all that liftin' you doing: it causes the prices in the stores to go up.
It's affecting us all, although you think you getting over with your stealing.
And let's not even talk about crack. I have a family member who is coming out of that. But he was a crackhead for over 20-25 years. He lost his home, his job, his family. Been living in a car for I don't know how long. I can't even imagine him living in a house or apartment of his own.
His decisions have affected not only himself, but others.
It affected me. I know I need to stay away from the pipe. If I don't know much, I know THAT.
There was a lot of substance in that odd talk I had with my grandfather.
And I found a ton of confirmation in Proverbs 10:17. All of us could write a dissertation on the particular verse alone, detailing how all of our decisions and the decisions of others have affected our lives and the lives of others.
We could fill up a whole library with our stories.
Our lives preach the best and worst of sermons to all.
Oh, how I miss Granddaddy. That was someone who really loved me, even when I was unlovable.
Whenever he saw me, he'd holler "Hey Sweet!!!"
I miss being called "Sweet", lol.
I am thankful for that bit of knowledge he dropped my way so long ago.
I will forever hold his words close to my heart.

Post 29: Things That Bother Me, Part I

I was looking through my little trusty blog notebook at the various topics I wanted to write about, and I came across one that I didn't know how to write about, but wanted to write about anyway.

As it is something I deal with for most of my life.

And I find myself having to hit the "reset" button in my heart concerning it.

So if this post seems convoluted, well, it probably is. Remember, these 40 posts are about me, private little conversations I have to myself... and I'm letting you in on it.

A couple of weeks ago my sister Kentucky came home from her teaching job at a local elementary school. She works pretty hard, leaving every morning at 6 a.m., while doing her best to finish up her Masters program in the evening. Sometimes, she may not even get home until late at night.

I am very proud of my sister and her diligence.

However, she came home one day and she asked me a question.

"Lisa, I have a question."
"What?"
"The black faculty at school, they cater to 'Amy'. I don't understand. She doesn't come to meetings, she don't work as hard as I do. I don't get it. Why is that?"
"Oh, that's normal. That happens everywhere."
"I just don't understand."
"That's life. Happens on my job. Happens everywhere."
"I feel like I work so hard, though," my sister said. "I'm not treated the same. And I do everything I'm suppose to do, even more. Amy doesn't. She skips mandatory meetings, she blows things off, and-"
"That's normal. You just keep working hard. Don't worry about it. Happens all the time."

If you haven't figured it out from this little exchange...

Uh, "Amy" is white.

You know, I hated talking to my sister about this type of thing. I have seen it all my life, and she hasn't.

While I was talking to my sister, I was sitting there thinking....

"Don't cry. Please don't cry. It's going to be alright. Please, please don't cry!!!"

I didn't say that. We just talked about it. I let her know one thing: you work, and you work hard. Period.

At the same time, I know she still doesn't understand one cold hard truth:

That this society deems white people more important than black people.

And something else, most disturbing of all: us black folk consider white people more important than our own selves.

I first understood this as a child. My great grandmother was a maid for a white family on the Northside of Atlanta. She wasn't working for them by the time I was born, but I use to spend a considerable amount of time with my grandmother (She died when I was 12).

But we would go up to visit the family she worked for every so often. I, as a 4- or 5-year-old, would go with her. Now, I have NO idea where these people lived, but I knew it was a long ride, on a couple of MARTA buses. A long HOT ride. I did not look forward to it.

I remember sitting in a chair, watching my Grandmother dote over these people, especially the little boy "Tommy", the little blonde son of the lady she use to take care of, "Jane".

And it was at that time that I concluded in my young mind:

White people are more important than black people.

And this is reinforced every day when I would sit down with my Great-grandmother, and watch her beloved "stories", i.e. soap opera shows. I learned that white people were rich, had interesting lives. We were just black people, had to catch the bus, didn't have interesting lives.

That idea was pushed even further as I got older. I knew I better be on my best behavior if white people were around.

But something strange happened: I begin to make white friends.

Interesting.

Now, back in '89, when me and LadyTee were in our late teens/early 20's (she is older than me by a couple of years), we were invited to a family Halloween party of one of my white friends, Tim. He and I were in college together.

I told my mother about this. She sat us down and said "Look, you're going to white people's houses. You need to make sure you are on your best behavior."

Uh, okay.

I thought she was tripping for acting like that. I mean, Tim was my friend.

But... you best believe there was MUCH discussion between me and LadyTee concerning this. Let's just say, we felt the way my mother felt, but were undercover about it.

We weren't going to wear halloween costumes. There was NO way we were showing up dressed as witches and what-not. I brought a couple of lab coats home from my lab at school for me and LadyTee.

We went to the party dressed as Doctors. No make-up, no props, none of that. We slipped on lab coats and showed up.

And for some reason, we thought we were going to some big mansion. We rolled up to Tim's house and knocked on the door. Me and LadyTee were both like "His house is no bigger than our houses."

We were shocked to see this. But you best believe we went up in there, and were on our best behavior. We were quiet. We ate quietly. We answered questions... quietly. Tim's little niece, a one-year-old at the time, walked over towards us. We made sure not to touch her, and hoped she didn't fall down.

After all, these were white people. Better act right.

I think for me, that was the beginning of the unraveling of the "truth" that white people are better and more important than black people. Tim was my friend, and he was a normal dude. I had another white friend, Carter, who was white, but wasn't a rich chick. I learned MUCH from her about perserverance. I would come home with all KINDS of stories about her .("Ma, Carter lives in a warehouse on MLK!"). She use to go down to the nearby projects and do her laundry. She'd verbally shank me for my thoughts about white people.

She was key to undoing some of the stuff in my head.

But something REALLY crazy happened that pissed me off, made me KNOW that this myth isn't true:

I went to graduate school.

At times, I was the only black person in a sea of whites in my classes.

And I was considered the smartest.

This struck me as odd. I mean, they were white people. They were automatically smarter and better than me. I remember thinking to myself, when we would be discussing grades "But you're white. You're suppose to know this stuff."

Hmm....

I learned through the whole grad school process: white folk ain't no smarter or no better than black folks.

And I wish we as black people knew and understood that.

I felt as though I had been duped or something.

I know, every once in awhile I talk to young black people about furthering their education. I know, when I was in New Orleans, I would get requests to come to schools and speak to kids, tell them about my job, what I did, etc. It's still funny to me, but it's like they just wanted to touch me or something, just to see if I'm real, lol. Most black folks have never met a black scientist, especially one with a doctorate in something as hard and strange as Or.ganic che.mistry and dru.g design.

But I always tell them, you can do whatever you want to do. And the question about white people comes up. Yes, they are priviledged. Yes, they have that extra helping hand, whereas we don't. Nothing we can do about that.

The answer is to work hard. Work hard, work hard, work hard.

And that's what I told my sister that day. Do not worry about it. Work hard. It's upsetting. I know it is. But do your best. Period. Focusing on the extra perks will only upset you . Work hard.

And this has caused "problems" in my own professional life.

I remember when I finished school, and was about to take a post-doc fellowship in Louisiana, one of my advisors pulled me to the side, sat me down, and said...

"You know you're black, right?"

And we had a LONG conversation about being black. And it meant much coming from my WHITE advisor. He sat me down and explained a few "truths". He made REAL sure I knew what color my skin was, and how I had to work harder than the white people.

It's a bit daunting when a white man sit your tail down and talk to you. Very much so.

(And uh, he was right. A couple of the other black post-docs and myself would stand on the front steps of the building and ponder the swaying trees on the property. We joked constantly about of they could have legally hung us from those trees out there, they wouldn't have hesitated to do so. We were treated like SH**. HUMPH).

I know one thing: white folk take care of each other. I've been a victim of it on the job. Had a discussion about it yesterday with my group's specialist, who's Asian. It is terribly difficult to explain how things work to him. He thinks I'm very smart, and doesn't understand the deal. It's hard to explain to him that I ain't white. It's hard to explain to him that black management don't listen to the black employees, and if we were white, then they would be doing the soft shoe Bojangles dance at our feet. He doesn't understand such complexities. He seems to understand that they are set up to enjoy life on the job, and not have to work as hard. (He has been a victim of that craziness, just like the rest of us...). We explain this to him in many ways, and he sees it, but it is hard for him to "get" it.

And then I have an underlying issue with "sorry" white folk. I mean, come on, life is laid out for you on a platter. All you gotta do is show up, and you got the job. You have the opportunity. You can have anything you want in life. You have NO excuse for being so frickin' sorry.

What a WASTE.

And I have to blink when I think that. It's not right to think that.

Especially when I've had to counsel or tutor some young white student. Those thoughts rush through my mind a mile a minute.

And I am ashamed of thinking that way. Because it ain't right.

Let me repeat: it's not right to think that. It's the product of years of a black attitude concerning white people. I realized, when talking to my sister, who didn't understand, that I am the last of the generation who does understand about the way things are, and the way things use to be.

I have prayed about it. Because I don't understand the root of the thing. I've been honest, sincere with my feelings about it. Not looking for an answer or anything, just wanting to talk out loud about it. I guess I wanna make sure between me and God, that He know that I don't have hatred for any group or race of people.

And I realized something: my entire age group seems to think like this. It peppers our conversation. We all actually believe certain things.

And it don't help that we are in the south.

I don't know what's right or wrong, or if it's a question of that. It is what it is.

My answer is to think more of myself. Think highly of myself.

No matter the color of my skin.

Certain "truths" seem to be embedded in our hearts, all our lives.

But I know it will forever be one of the things that bothers me.

I know one thing to be true:

It doesn't mean that I have to let them control who I am, and who I hope to become.

And I hope I conveyed that truth to my sister. I really do.

Post 28: Of Life and Grocery Store Lines

One thing I can't stand:

A long grocery store line.

And it just disturbs me to no end to have a cart full of groceries and I run up on a long line.

And it's REALLY disturbing to look up and down the checkout area and ALL of the lines are long. Or, only two lines are open, with like, a gazillion people waiting.

So, what do I do?

I wait patiently. I've even gotten into the habit of slipping a book from home in my purse. Or, if I don't have a book, I grab one of the tabloid magazines off the shelf. I may talk on my cell phone.

I occupy while I wait patiently.

I'm weird like that. I just can't stand there. I have to occupy, be busy doing something. Nothing worse than just standing still and watching the line inch forward. Ugh.

And as the line gets smaller, I breathe a sigh of relief.

That means it's getting closer to my turn.

And that's how I look at life.

You know, it disturbs me to no end when people get all upset when someone has a victory or accomplishes a goal. I've seen it all my life.

"She think she all that because she got that raise."

"He won that race. Look how he celebrating. I can't stand him."

"Look at her prancing around in that new dress. She think she cute. She ain't all that."

I can't stand that. I make a note of people who ALWAYS got something say about people. I tend to stay away from them. Because if your're grumbling about everyone, then newsflash: You're grumbling about me, too.

Now I understand there's a caveat here. There are folk that make it a habit of flaunting, or of getting things done on the shady tip. Yeah, those people aren't to be praised for anything. We all know the difference there.

And you know what that's about, right? Those people have to operate on the shady tip, because they don't have the chops and skills to do anything legitimately.

No, I'm talking about people and their earned accomplishments.

I LOVE seeing people meet their goals. I LOVE seeing people have big accomplishments.

LOVE it.

Especially if I see the beginning of it all. Especially if I see the whole thing grow from seed stage, from when a person begins thinking about it, when it's nothing more than a mere thought on their mind. Especially if I'm there to see the whole process from beginning to end.

LOVE it.

But, there are people out there who get all jealous of people who accomplish their goals and do great things.

Why is that? Not sure. I think it may be society driven. Competition and jealousy are first cousins, you know.

I mean, it's like being in a grocery store line. I'm happy when that grocery store line goes down. I'm not standing there holding up the process. I'm glad when someone with a lot of groceries gets all that stuff bagged up and pays their bill. I'm VERY happy when I see them roll their cart up out of the store.

That means it's my turn. MY turn to get my groceries.

I'm happy to see you accomplish something. I applaud you. Especially if you've been praying for it. Believeing for it. And it comes to pass.

I do the HIGH rockette kick behind that.

Why? Because I'm genuinely happy for you.

And it jacks up my faith a notch. Gives me more hope and faith for my own desires to come to pass. I've learned much from watching you. I've learned that there is a process. I've learned to patiently wait.

And I'm happy for you.

Just like in a grocery store line. You got your stuff, you're outta here.

Now it's MY turn.

My turn in the checkout line.

I've noticed one thing: People who are snarky and get a stank attitude concerning other's accomplishments rarely have accomplishments of their own.

And that ain't good.

So, you don't have to worry about me if I'm behind you in the grocery store line. I'm not going to hold you up.

I'ma need you to go ahead on and pay for those groceries and roll up on outta here.

Because now, it's my turn.

Shoot man... An Oldgirl might just help you out.

*Chele frowns up as she stares at the candy next to the checkout line*

"Uh, what you need, Oldgirl?" LadyLee asks.

"Pass me the tic-tacs," Chele replies.

Lee looks at the tic-tac candies. "What flavor?"

"Uh-, uh-, gee, I'm not sure what flavor-"

*Lee snatches all the tic-tacs and throws them at Chele*

LOL!!!! (You know I had to inject a bit of smurfiness.)

This is something I like about myself: I celebrate others accomplishments. I love it.

Let's me know that all things are possible.

Not only for you, but for me too.

Post 27: Vision Board Personal Statement, Part 8

Good Sunday Afta-noon...

I suppose that I should continue on with the personal vision statement, since the next sentence, highlighted in green below, is very much related to the subject matter of the last post.

"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."

This is a sticky, sticky point for me. Last post, I wrote about it from a workplace context. This post, I'm thinking about my own life in totality. But I am constantly thinking about it.

In the last post, I wrote about something I heard in a sermon some years ago.

Take a little time to evaluate yourself each evening, during your quiet time. If you messed up that day, take time to admit to yourself and to God that you did. Same thing if you were lazy, or mean, or if you had a good day. Take time to think about it and be honest with yourself and God, think about how and what you can do to do things differently, if you can expand and build on what went right, etc.

That was interesting. I remember it, and know when I put it into action, I feel better. There's a huge amount of mental freedom resulting from it. It's sort of like sraping the gunk off the walls of my mind, so it doesn't have time to take root in me.

I found a most interesting verse of scripture, highly related and confirmational of that written above. Last week I was flipping through the pages of my journal entries for 2009, and saw it highlighted.

Corinthians 13:5 Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don't drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere heresay, that Jesus Christ is in you. Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it.

Now, that verse talks moreso about your faith and your beliefs. I looked up other versions of that scripture, and it mentions closely examine yourself, try yourself, prove yourself, look closely at yourself...

The reason being so that you know for yourself that you aren't a counterfeit, to make sure you're yielding the proper fruit (results), and to make sure you're not reprobate.

Sounds a bit strong to me. And applicable to any and every area of life. Every.

And I think if I can examine my faith, and make the necessary and changes accordingly... well, that will influence and permeate all other areas of my life.

So it looks like everything is related in someway.

Now, this is wholly seperate from other folks evaluating me. That comes later in the vision statement. That's a whole nother animal right there.

I'm talking about sitting down, taking time to evaluate myself.

Just where am I with that portion of the vision statement?

Quick to evaluate myself, slow to make the necesssary changes.

Slow. Slow as syrup pouring from a bottle.

And I must admit, it takes a little pain for me to get busy about making changes.

Pain is the birthplace of change for me. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is what it is.

And you know why I'm so slow? It's because I have a tendency to get caught up in looking at the massiveness of the end result I want to achieve, rather than being tenacious about working hard on the little steps involved in reaching the final goal.

The thought of eating an elephant is daunting, but I can eat it, if I eat it one bite at a time.

I ain't all slow about stuff if I think of it from that perspective.

I'm particulary caught up with the more global part of 2 Corinthians 13:5"

Don't drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups... test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it.

That's A LOT if I'm not only thinking about my faith and beliefs, but also every single part of my life. A lot.

But it is a great piece of advice. One must be highly involved in self-evaluation, even moreso than depending on others' evaluation.

One thing I know about other people's evaluation: I have to throw it through a fine filter. And there better be a lot of trust there. Because peeps can care for me and want what's best for me, or they may just want me to conform to their own self-serving motives.

I find the latter to be true, more often than not.

And I gotta treat what they say like the acorns that fall from the tree in my front yard: look at it, kick it to the side, and smash it with my shoe.

But self-evaluation? It is what it is. I can only lie to myself for so long. If I can't be honest with myself, well... change, peace, growth, and progress will be nowhere to be found.

And that results in one thing: Stagnation.

And I can't have that, Can I?

I hate stagnation.

And what's worse than stagnation? The amount of drift involved with not paying attention, not taking time to periodically evaluate myself, and implementing the necessary changes.

I mentioned something about drift a few months ago in one of my posts. Something about at times, feeling like I was in a boat, and I can see the land and everything is all good. Then I fall asleep and wake up and find that I can no longer see land, the water is rough, and lo and behold, frickin' sharks are circling my boat.

A most unfortunate situation to be in indeed. I can sit in the boat and complain and cry about the dire circumstances all day long, but nothing will happen. Things will happen when I check around for my resources. Change will come when I get out my compass, get out my oars, fight off the sharks, and start paddling in the right direction.

With me, it's a matter of doing all of that faithfully, sincerely and expediently.

For I'm understanding, stagnation and drift have had me looking real crazy far too many times than I care to go into here.

And the older I get, the more I understand that that is beneath me and unexceptable.

"I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and make changes accordingly."

A most formidable and appropriate piece of the vision statement, there to keep everything in proper order and perspective.

No, I'm not there yet, but it feels good to be mindful of its importance in my life.