*STAR DATE*
2024.01.01
HaPPy NeW YeAR!!!
2021 is coming to an end.
And I have had the opportunity to look back over my state of mind... my mentality over the past year.
You know, I have had to admit to myself that I fall short. I fall short of people's expectations, and even my own expectations.
Constantly.
And I have had to come to accept that and be okay with that. I am still a good person. And most of all, I am still breathing. And that means I still have ample opportunity to change. Not for other people, because I believe you can't please everybody all the time. I will never be the party person, the hip friend that everyone wants to hang out with. I have never been that and I hope I never will. I am living in a time that I can't tell people apart, and I want to always stand out from the crowd if possible.
I must admit that over the years, maybe over the past five years or so, I have changed a lot when it comes to people. I have found that I experience a good amount of social anxiety, so it is rare for me to hang out with people. Plus, I don't do well with working out my problems and disagreements with folks. Part of that is that I really do not care. And I hate to admit it, I have come to a point where I am willing to be a bit superficial with people. It is just so much easier than being myself. I am finding that people expect "surface". Nothing fake, but wonderful pleasantries, blah-zay-blah. I don't like this at all, but it is easy. And most likely, it is with people who I use to talk to often, but I don't now. Much of that hurts. But it's okay. Just make the best of it, and be superficial. Do what, on some level, is expected of me. Do what is easy.
And keep it moving.
That was a lot, but that was just something off the top of my head, some things I have been thinking about.
Mental. Like most people, I am a bit anxious about the pandemic. I myself am glued to the television, listening to what is being said and hoping that I will wake up one morning and find out that it is all a dream.
But I know that will not happen.
So I have a good amount of fear and anxiety. I would never admit that to people, but I am admitting it here. I rarely express my feelings to people, because I have been blown off so much. But you know what has happened to set me on the road to being free from that?
There are close to 8 billion people on this earth.
And that means there are close to 8 billion different perspectives.
And that is alright.
And it has helped me embrace my perspectives about things, no matter if they are blown off. If they are, then they are. But this is how I feel about what I am dealing with. And from that point, I feel a bit more comfortable praying about it, praying for solutions. No, not to be perfect or acceptable in anyone's eyes, but to simply be able to examine my perspectives and follow the road to improvement or change.
Does that make sense?
Yes I know I am all over the place, but I am going somewhere with this.
I have been praying about fear and anxiety. Just for some help. I rarely talk about this with people, because you know, it is just easy to do what is expected: be superficial. But shadows of how I feel have come out with those who are close to me. And it is like a huge weight off my shoulders and mind. I am so thankful for that.
What has been particularly interesting is that I will pray about something, and then be on the lookout for some type of answer, some pathway to open up.
And I tell you what: it never fails that this happens.
Back in November, I took a workshop entitled "Fear, Anxiety and Overwhelm". I took a ton of notes and got a lot out of it. It was just an hour give or take per evening for five days. We even had homework. It was a pretty good deep dive into the "why" behind being earful, anxious and overwhelmed. Just looking for the root to it all. I learned a lot during this workshop.
But you know the one thing that stuck with me?
I found out that most of my fear is imagined. All just a figment of my imagination.
I would be so bold as to say that some 99% of my fears are imagined. That is hard for me to admit. But I learned during that class to really sit down with my fears and examine them.
This revelation did a lot for me. I was able to get a few things that I had been afraid to do, done.
And you know what?
When all was done and said, it all wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be.
Then on top of that, my Pastor said soon after that, that he was starting a series on fear. A real deep dive on it. And of course, that made me happy because it was an answer to a prayer. And over the past month, there has been much confirmation of some of the answers I have been getting to some of my prayers. And as a result, I have made more progress dealing with my fear and anxiety. And I have been bold enough to set some goals for myself that I have been afraid of setting.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, I am a bit exasperated when it comes to this pandemic. Much of this is coming from being fearful of the unknown. I am immunocompromised and have had to do quite a bit to stay out of the way of exposure to the virus. I do my best to stay masked up and stay sanitized. I do my best to be careful. I have worked from home since March 2020. Coworkers talk trash, and I am proud of myself for not dialing anyone up and opening up the good book of cuss on them. I let it go. God bless them. Keep it moving.
I, like everyone, want this to be over. It sure does a hit job on my mentality. I don't have much family as it is, but it is painful at times to spend all this time alone day after day after day. Many of my friends were in the workplace. As I get older, I find that I like face-to-face interaction with people who know the real me and accept the real me: quiet, funny, serious, nonconfrontational, non-messy, deep thinking. I want to enjoy being around people who allow me to be myself. And I am missing that during this pandemic.
Also during this pandemic, I am coming to a place that I am not aghast when someone contracts the virus. There is always that question of Where did you pick it up from? What were you doing? But we see the real problem is that this mess is just in the air. It is a bit scary. So I am more compassionate now. That's a good thing.
So this was my last post of the year concerning my mental state of mind.
I am doing alright. I am improving. I don't cry as much. I have just decided to just keep moving forward...
... day after day after day.
On purpose.
I must admit, with all that is going on in the world, I had no idea what my world would look like on December 31, 2021. But no matter how it went down, my baseline goal is to be alive. . .
. . .And to be thankful for being alive to see the dawning of a New Year.
So I spent time this week thinking about three different parts of myself, starting from outward and going inward: the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. This post may just be one lonnng post. Or it may be in three parts as three different posts.
The Physical. I have been thinking about this all day. This has been a pretty transformative year for me from a physical point of view. I managed to lose approximately 65-70 pounds this year. I would have never imagined it. I took a chance on a weight loss life coach back in early January, and it worked out pretty well. I dropped off some this past year, so one of my new years goals is to get back on track, and lose more weight. I have managed to keep the weight off, with little fluctuations. But I have a better plan for the new year, and I am always in touch with my problem spots. So that will be the work for the next few months. And I am equipped with the tools to monitor and take care of that.
I know at the beginning of the year, I made a goal to walk 10 minutes a day. Just 10 minutes a day. I cannot tell you how elated I was to walk that 10 minutes, then surpass it by walking 15 minutes. I mean that was half a mile. A whole half a mile!
And soon after, I made a goal to just walk a mile a day. This took me a little longer to accomplish. By this time, it was the late winter, and I didn't know if I could make it. Plus, I walk slow, and it was so hard having to watch people walk past me. I felt so slow. I had to get to a point where I pushed past that.
And today, I thought about all of this and how far I have come. Some 11 months later, I am able to walk an average of 3 miles a day. I had a goal of walking at least five days a week, but I easily walk six to seven days a week, especially if the weather is nice (or at least bearable). It is a little harder when it is cloudy. And I have only walked once in the rain, with my umbrella of course. I will have to take the L on that, because I refuse to do that again. But I have always gotten my five days in. And when it's gloomy, I will walk for at least half an hour around my private island, i.e., my kitchen island.
But that has been good for me, the weight loss and the exercise. A couple times a week, I will walk 4 to 5 miles at a time. It all depends on how my joints are feeling. I have osteoarthritis, so I listen to how I am feeling. If a knee or a hip threatens to start hurting, I head in the direction of my car or my house. The pain is nothing excruciating, but just annoying. The exercise seems to help that. And I challenge myself and walk hills. I wasn't able to do that early on. I make sure there are a few inclines along my walking route on purpose now.
I was diabetic according to my HA1C numbers, but I have knocked a couple of points off that, so I am not even in the prediabetic range now. That's a good thing. My cholesterol is high, so I am trying to work on that. My primary care doctor whines about this, so much so that I canceled my last appointment. I will continue to work on it and see her again when I figure it out.
Until then, like I told her... I am going to be happy for ME, even if I am the only one happy for me and my progress.
I can happy for me... and at the same time, face and work on my challenges. I WILL continue to make progress.
But nevertheless, I have made a promise to myself:
I will be happy for ME.
.jpeg)
soiree. Mama Bandit was in town from Cleveland. I told her to tell her Mama, sure, LadyLee would be there. It's always good to see Mama Bandit, you see.
Hey girl, where was the pitcher of Pink Panties? You ALWAYS have Pink Panties laying around! LOL
Yeah Mon!!
That's more like it. That's what's hot!
Yo... I'm STILL tripping on the fact that a NEW decade is upon us.
Shoot, man... this time, exactly 10 years ago, I was clocked down in Coweta County on I-85 North doing 90 mph in a 70 mph zone. 300 dollar ticket!!
Goodness gracious alive!
(My behind is at home this New Years. No more of that!)
Listen ya'll, I want to thank you for perusing the words scrawled so high upon the walls of the House of LadyLee.
2009 has been divine... but in 2010, we're gonna win...
Take a little time to be thankful for that something good that happened in the last decade...
Be thankful in advance for all the good that will happen in this new one.
You heard me?
I know you did.
Happy New Year!!!
(We now return you to our regular scheduled programming)
.png)
