Face to Face with My Father

(See previous post for part I, Crazy Convos with my Father )

Then, lo and behold, he actually allows me to come over there. Didn't have to hear "Today is not a good day."

And I actually go over there...

On Tuesday night...

Now, I didn't know how I felt about this. I wanted to go over there when I when I could be halfway spiffy, but shoot man, he was just gonna have to catch me after work.

Ya'll who know me know what I do for a living. Let's just say, thank goodness I didn't have to grind up 20 lbs of strawberries that day. I tend to get stuff all over me.

But, I work in Midtown ATL, and his house was only a 15 minute drive from me. I called first, and he wasn't there. His sister said he had walked to the store, but was expecting me, and for me to come on over.

So I headed over there.

The house is a small white house, surrounded by a chain link fence. The yard is very neat, no flowers no fuss. The porch light was on. I sat there for a second then got on out the car.

Might as well get this over with.

By the time I open the gate to the fence, he had opened the front door. He opened the screen door.

It was dark, and the porch light was bright. I didn't see him until I walked up the stone steps and was looking right at him.


He still looks the same as I remembered him. He looks exactly like the pictures here in this post, which were taken between 1965 and 1969, I believe. I think he and my Mama are teenagers in those pictures.

But he had aged some 40 years.

And yeah, you could tell he was a drinker. He has that look of someone who drinks a lot.

"Hey 'Lesia," he said. He smiled. He put his hand up to cover his mouth, as he has bad teeth. He only has maybe 5 or 6 teeth, really. But you know how people do when they got bad teeth. They cover their mouths.

He is a very thin man, a bit bent over. He is a taller than me, looking to be about 5'10" (I am 5'7"). He wore a pair of maroon khakis and a matching plaid shirt. A black cap with a beaded skull and crossbones covered his small afro.

"Hello Milton," I replied. (I have the worst bootleg busted diction in the world. I was trying to make sure that at least talked like I had some sense that day, lol).

I eased past him. There were no hugs or anything. (This ain't dayum television, ya'll.) I thought I would at least shake his hand, but that didn't happen.

When I walked in, I saw some pictures on the table.

They were pictures of me.

"You have pictures of me?" I asked.

"Yes I do," he replied. He walked over and picked them up. "I have pictures of you. I look at them everyday."

That kinda freaked me out. He had a collage of pictures of me, on a piece of paper. It was in a gold frame under glass. Each photo had the year, or event.

So, I haven't been to his house since I was 10 years old. So, he would have various pictures of me from younger years... like the one with me and my Auntie Joyce (shown here; the pic he had, had my aunt cropped out)

or my kindergarten graduation picture...

But what was ODD, was all the other pictures in that collage...

My high school graduation. My college graduation. Various pictures I'd taken back in the 90s (which I absolutely DON'T remember taking)... Pictures all through high school.

Heck, he even had a picture of me in a long periwinkle gown and shawl. (I was a hostess at Cowgirl Cre's wedding back in 2002). That is a rare picture, because that mighta been the last time this Oldgirl put on a dress, lol.

"Your Auntie Joyce sent me these pictures. I like them. I look at them everyday."

Now, Auntie Joyce said she talks to him, and I vaguely remember that she said that she sent him pictures.

(Auntie Joyce is an artist and master photographer. She uh, has her own photo restoration business. So it was nothing for her to scan all these photos and caption them. Goodness.)

I thought Auntie was just talking smack. I guess she wasn't.

"I really be laughing at that picture of you right there with them lil legs and them patent leather shoes," he said, as he pointed to the first picture of me above."

I chuckled right along with him.

I sat down in a flowered chair next to the front door. He sat down on the sofa opposite me, gripping the picture frame in his hand.

"So how you been doing," he said.
"Fine."
"It's good to see you," he said. "You look just like Carolyn."
I nodded.
"You went to work today?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. I explained to him what I do for a living. (He was totally confused).
"I hear you a doctor, but not the medical type."
"That's right." I explained to him my Ph.D. (He was REALLY confused.)
"I be in a lot of pain. Can you mix something up for me to make me feel better?" He laughed.
"No, can't do that." This is a usual question from older black folks, lol.

We talked a bit more. I didn't have much to say, just answered his questions.

I asked him if he had ever been remarried, or if he had any more children.

"No, you was the only one. You the baby. You my only baby."

Look like he started tearing up. Man, I didnt' know what to do. All I could say was "okay".

By that time, somebody else walked in the room. It was his brother Willie. I remembered this man, because he had the most unusual light eyes. I remember wondering how, when I was little, how a black man's eyes could be SO light.

He said hello, and it's good to see you.

I said the same. And then he disappeared back into another room.

Me and Milton talked a little more.

Then someone else showned up. It was his sister, my Aunt Evelyn.

Tripped me out that I look like her. She was glad to see me. I stood up to talk to her, and she gave me a slight hug and patted me on the back, told me "You stoutin' up there, gal!"

LOL!!! Hilarious!!!

She left the room as fast as she came.

These are some QUIET folks. My aunt told me that is where I get my "quiet loner" nature from. After meeting them, uh, I understand why. That house was VERY quiet, and everyone spoke in quiet voices.

Hmm.

Anyway, Milton and I talked of other things. He wanted to know how long I'd been married, and the places I had lived.

He gripped the pictures tighter in his hands.

He held the framed picture out in front of him towards me, kinda like someone carries a very hot plate.

"'Lesia, I look at these pictures everyday, and I just cry."

**silence**

Man, I didn't know WHAT to say about that. I thought about a WHOLE lot of stuff in those few seconds while he was staring at me, all teared up.

WHAT THE WORLD.

We talked a minute longer. Then I was like "I don't want to take up too much of your time, just wanted to stop by." I stood up. He stood up.

"You need to come back by here when all or your cousins are here."
"They don't know me."
"Yes they do. They use to pass you around and hold you up in the air when you were a baby. They remember you. They be asking me about you." He motioned like someone holding a baby up in the air.

**crickets**

I was a dear in the headlights. "Uh, okay, yeah, well, you call me and let me know. Give me a days notice."

"I will," he said. He walked over to the door, opened it for me, and then opened the screen door.

"And please come by again," he said. "It was real good to see you."

"Good to see you, too," I replied.

He watched me walk to the car. "Be sure you lock your doors. It's dangerous out here. And be careful."

"Okay."

We said our goodbyes, and I got in my car and went on home.

That was that.

It was a decent visit. Much more calmer than our back and forths on the phone.

One thing gave me pause, and I am STILL thinking about it:

"'Lesia, I look at these pictures everyday, and I just cry."

That just left me... I don't know the word. STUNNED? Yeah, that's a good word.

STUNNED.

I don't consider myself a particularly important person. Let me correct that: I am very important to myself. Period. LadyLee is important to LadyLee. Anyone else can go sit on a tack, because I am not known to care if people like me, think of me, whatever.

LadyLee is important to LadyLee.

But for him to say that... somehow meant that I was important to someone else.

That's just odd to me. Especially when he doesn't know or see me.

Odd.

But what had me MORE stunned: I think it is horrible for someone to be in torment like that.

To look at pictures everyday, and CRY? That is a thing of torment.

It gave me pause. I searched my own life on the way home, and I don't remember feeling like that on a daily basis. I made SURE to promise myself that I won't ever feel that way.

Goodness.

This visit with him was brief... no more than 15 minutes, I suppose? But a lot happened in 15 minutes. I am terribly quiet if I don't know someone. He is too. We had as much convo as could be expected.

Will I go see him again? Sure, I don't mind.

Do I want a relationship with him? I don't know. I have never been close to either of my parents. I don't understand this whole "daughter-parent" relationship, dependency, need, care, etc., type of thing. Honestly, I always felt that I was around because it is against the law to dump children on the road.

That is harsh, but I am just being honest with you.

Don't understand it at all, and have, for the most part, had to live without it... have had to live in spite of it.

Something else that made me pause. I have always been proud of myself, for all I have accomplished over the years. How does this man feel, and for over 30 years, he hasn't done anything? I ain't even talking about doing anything for me. Sure, I would like to ask him this, but you know, I ain't gonna get all up in his bizness like that. Plus, I may just be assuming things (that is what I hope). But I have never known him to work. Maybe he gets a disability check. He don't have a car. What has he been doing all these years.

Well, I have been doing much.

Made me pause. I now am TRULY thankful for the vast accomplishments I've had, whether big or small.

And I don't think I will ever whine about some goal I am trying to reach, whether big or small...

...ever again.

For I am in motion... I am trying.

Whether I succeed or fail: I tried.

And I can pat myself on the back for that.

And if these truths or thoughts are all I take away from it? Then that was worth it. Well worth it.
I will go over to see these 20 or 30 cousins when they are all over for some gathering. That's not a problem. I live no more than 10-15 minutes from Milton. And I aint' worry about mess. Don't bother me one bit to scare folk with my credentials. I get a kick out of that if people are snooty, lol.

And if he wants to see me on his own time, one on one, then that is fine too.