Crazy Convos with My Father

So...

I had a goal set to meet my Father by the time I turned 30.

Well, I am 38 years old, and I will be 39 in approximately 24 days.

Boy, if that ain't a goal that wasn't met, then I don't know what is.

LOL

But that has been on my "to do" list since I was in my early 20s. Heck, I had PLENTY of time before I reached 30. We could do it any old time.

30 came and went. 40 is peeking over the horizon.

I probably would have chalked it up to a failure if me and my Mama's sister, my Auntie Joyce, weren't talking about this subject matter on and off. I'd told her of how I wanted to meet him, on my own terms, without the influences of my mother in the mix. Auntie Joyce was highly supportive, even gave me his address and phone number.

I think she gave me his information back in 2003 or 2004. I kept the piece of paper with his address and phone number in an envelope in the bottom of a drawer.

I called a couple times and wished him a Happy Father's Day.

(I feel like that had to be the dumbest thing I've ever done. But what do you do when you don't know how to approach someone? Still, it was stupid. You don't shock people like that, and he was shocked speechless, I must say.)

I just left it alone.

I just can't deal with no unnecessary stress, man. Shoot, he has never been a factor in my life. No need for it to look like I'm upsetting his.

Anyway, fast forward to August of last year. Serenity3-0, the LBeezy, and I have these ridiculous (in a great way) threads where we REALLY discuss things ALL day long at times. Somehow we get on the subject of my father. I think, if I can remember correctly, LBeezy and I were reading a book together and the subject came up of a woman visiting her father at his job and how he blew her off. I was DEEPLY disturbed by it.

I told them about my father issues. And The LBeezy made a suggestion that set a light bulb over in my head: she suggested that I should send him a note in the mail with my information, and if he wanted to contact me, he could. She even gave me an August 6th deadline to complete the task.

(LBeezy is a tough Oldgirl. Really though.)

So that's what I did.

Didn't hear anything for a couple of months, I believe. I felt a sense of something, like I had did something to move in some type of direction... And that was about it. I was satisfied with sending a note.

Then he called me out of the blue. I posted about it in Lost and Found Part I and Part II.

That was back in late September.

We've been dealing with some craziness every since then.

Scenario: Me calling him:

"Can I stop by today."
"No, today is not a good day. I've had a bad day today," was his reply.

Okay.

This was usually followed up by, a week or two later, my phone ringing, me picking up and having to hear:

"'Lesia!"
"Uh, yeah."
"This Milton."
"Yeah."
"When you coming to see me?"

What the?

*LadyLee kicks the HARD drug induced eyeroll*

Now, negroes who know me, know how I am. Let's just say, this type of thing pisses me off to the highest of pissivity. It is one of my pet peeves. And I'm not the most patient Oldgirl in the world. I make myself real scarce when it comes to the run around.

So we would set a date. I'd call. He'd say not that day. I'd say OK. And leave it alone. Then he will call back again hollering:

"'Lesia!"

Man. I don't LIKE that type of craziness. AT ALL.

So I had made a decision not to call him up. If he wanted to see me, then whatever. Man, I got waaaay tooo much stuff going on to be caught up in this vicious cycle.

Me and LBeezy figured out something a couple of weeks ago: He's probably ashamed of himself and don't want me seeing him look as bad as he looks.

You see, my father is a lifelong alcoholic. And he still has his Vietnam isshas. Just a lot of stuff going on with him on the mental tip, I suppose (I can only assume, really). My brother sees him off and on, and he has been like "Yo Lee, I saw your Daddy, and he look pretty bad off. You can tell he drank alot."

So we chalked it up to that.

Nothing I can do about that, you know? Shoot, I ain't judging nobody.

He don't know that, though.

From the way he talked, I knew he thought I was some big time doctor. This is furthest thing from the truth. Even though my name has a "Dr." at the beginning of it, ya'll who know me in my personal life know one thing:

I am just an Oldgirl.

No sparkle. No shine. No bling.

I drive a beater. My gear of choice is sweats and sneakers. They know I will straight up come to work with a head rag on my head (like I did this morning).

I am just an Oldgirl.

So I took all of this into consideration. Tried to understand.

LBeezy would question me about this, off and on. (Beezy, I thought you would start a sanging "Kume-bah-yaaaah, LadyLee, Kume-bah-yaaaaaaaaah!!")

(Thanks for listening and putting up with my rants, LBeezy. That means much to me:)

I made a decision that I wasn't gonna call anymore more. He was going to have to get over it.

Nevertheless, there were more conversations.

'Lesia!"
"Yo," I say just as loud as he does.
"When you coming to see me?"
"I can't catch up with you!"
"Where you at right now?"
"Getting off from work."
"Come by."
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going home. Been working all day. I am tired. I'm going home, fixing something to eat, and I am going to bed."
"I want to see you before I croak."
"Uh, yeah. And?"
"Come see me."

**insert neck breaking eye roll here**

"I drive through your neighborhood when I cut through to go to the Farmer's market, Milton. I be looking out the window to see if you walking the streets."
"Would you recognize me, 'Lesia?"
"I don't know. I was gonna just lean my head out the window and yell 'You Milton?'"

**insert his HARD laughter here**

(Uh, I didn't think it was that funny).

"I would recognize you, 'Lesia."
"No you wouldn't."
"I will always recognize the baby."

*My turn to holler with laughter REAL loud*

"Why you laughing, girl? I'll always recognize the baby."

(Man... that was TOO much for me.)

"What are you talking about? I'm just about 40 years old, Milton!"

"So."

So we had one more round of him wailing about me coming over, me calling, him saying it wasn't a good time.

More of...

"I love you, 'Lesia."
*silence*
"Do you love me?"
"I don't know you."
"I love you. Always have."

What the...?

*palm of hand to forehead*

"I love you" is rarely heard around these parts. It is not spoken. Lovers have had to drag it out of me, lol. I say such things with a fist bump or something. I'll do something special for you. That's love to me. I rarely hear those words or even say them to anyone. They unnerve me.

UGH. I did not feel like dealing with any of this. And I have been very skittish this week for whatever reason. Not quite irritable, just skittish.

Then, lo and behold, he actually allows me to come over there. Didn't have to hear "Today is not a good day."

And I actually go over there...

On Tuesday night...

To be continued.