Last Day of the Year, Part II: The Passing of My Mother

 This year, my mother died. 

We had her cremated, and we didn't have a service. 

"I would feel horrible if we had a funeral, and someone catches the covid at the funeral. This burying people back to back to back,..." my sister lamented. 

"I understand," I said. "That may be what's best. And I hope no one has a problem with you over it."

And she was right. Funerals have been known to be superspreaders.  I don't, and no one else, I reckon, wants the memory of someone catching covid at our mother's funeral. If someone got ill, or God forbid, died, that would be tatooed on our conscious forever. And let's not even talk about the guilt of it all. 

So there was no funeral. Hopefully there will be a memorial service when this is all over.

Although it has been four months since her passing, it is still mindboggling, since she has always been larger than life. 

I don't know how to feel about it. I still get teary-eyed over it from time to time, like, when I hear an old 70s song (she loved old school music).  She and I didn't have much of a relationship, and I'd only seen her on a regular basis over the past couple of years. I was doing all I could to help my sister Kay, her primary caretaker, take care of her. And this always felt strange since I have felt like an outsider in my own family. 

But I myself have been in the hospital a couple of times over the past 20 years, and it helps to have a familiar face around. And that is what I considered myself... a familiar face. 

A familiar face.

It was a normal thing for me over the 1.5 years before her passing to leave work in the middle of the day to take her to dialysis, or to go visit her at the hospital when I got off from work. We would just sit and watch television, sometimes the news, or some show on the cooking channel. I remember having to talk to her about not giving the staff a hard time. (She was a unique personality, she was.)  This was a problem in the nursing homes and rehab centers. And there was a bit of contention between her and myself when she would criticize us, mostly my sister. I wasn't doing well with that at all. 

But a couple of days before her death, when she'd been on life support, I remember visiting her in hospice care. I remember my sister playing gospel music on her cell phone, and us anointing her head with oil and praying prayers out of my prayer book. We just sat with her for awhile. Me and mother have the same hands, and my sister took a picture. 

I was surprised at the warmth of her hand.

Of course it was warm. The machine was breathing for her. 

I was little taken aback because I had only seen my sister once or twice since the quarantine and covid had begun-  only once or twice in a four month period. It felt good to just see my sister up close. To sit in the lobby alone with her and relax... to touch her and hold her hand. Just to sit and talk to my sister was something that eased my mind. 

And that night was the last time I saw my mother. She passed a couple of days later, the day after my sister's birthday, and the day before my nephew Justin's birthday. I was not present, but my brother and sister were. I offered to come down and just sit in the parking lot. But my brother and sister that there were too many people down at the hospice, and they needed to keep me safe during the covid. 

I was glad that they were there when she took her last breaths. They had their closure and I had mine. 

I met my brother and sister at the crematorium to retrieve the urn of her ashes. I was not sure why I should be there. After all, they were just picking up ashes. But it meant something for us to stand together with her urn while a stranger snapped a picture of us. It is a memory to have. And again, during this time of social distancing and covid confusion, I got a quick chance to touch my brother and sister. It was good to joke and laugh with them. That meant so much to me. 

I think what is particularly painful for me is that most of the relatives that raised me are gone, either through death or distance. Or even relationships are no longer there.  My past is gone. I have friends in their 50s who feel the same way. There is a lamenting of sorts of the people who knew and raised us are gone or not present. 

Our childhoods are mere memories that we can only touch with our minds. It meant much to have people who loved me, who I could just "me" around. I am a difficult personality, and they still loved me. That is mostly gone.

And that is very painful. And I feel a little caught off guard. 

Last year (or perhaps the year before), I read an interesting book for book club. I think it is one of the best books I have read in the last couple of years. 

The name of it is City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert.

There was a quote near the end of the book that brought me to tears, as it described how I really felt.

"This is what I've found about life, as I've gotten older: you start to lose people, Angela. It's not that there is a shortage of people- oh heavens no. It is merely that - as the years pass- there comes to be a terrible shortage of your people. The ones you loved. The ones who knew the people that you both loved. The ones who know your whole history.

Those people start to be plucked away by death, and they are awfully hard to replace after they go. After a certain age, it can become difficult to make new friends. The world can begin to feel lonely and sparse, teeming through it may be with freshly minted young souls. 

I'm not sure whether you've had that feeling yet. But I've had it. And you may have that feeling someday."  

I've had that feeling. 

I was so taken aback when I read that. They were words that brought my feelings to life. They were words that expressed what I couldn't. And I am thankful for that. 

My mother, she was larger than life. And me and my sister were talking one day, and we found that we were thinking the same thing... we really hoped she found the peace she always sought on the other side. 

Rest in peace, Ma. We miss you.

The Last Day of the Year: The Washing of Masks

 I like to reminisce on my year on the last day of the year... 

And of course, when I think of the year 2020, I will think of the covid-19 pandemic. 

Sigh.

And a picture that sums it up on my end is the washing of masks.

Who on earth would've thought that "masks" would be the order of the day, the common thing?

I remember back in March, I was at a lost as to where to find an actual mask. And, no one was particularly sure if we needed them or not. I managed to get a 10 pack of surgical masks through a restaurant on ubereats. I was so proud to have found some. But then a friend of mine told me to go look on Etsy. I ordered masks from three different vendors. Then I ordered more from a vendor whose masks I liked the best.

So now I think I have ten cloth masks. I wanted the ones with the filter pocket. Why? Because I got the notion to buy a air filter so that I could chop it up. 

I chopped that filter down into little filters just large enough to fit the filter pockets of my masks.

This has all become a ritual of sorts. I wash my masks by hand in detergent and hot water twice, I rinse them thoroughly, then I soak them in boiling hot water for about thirty minutes. Then I hang them on a
plastic hanger and let them dry overnight. 

Then I place my cut filters in them and store them in a plastic bag. 

(I learned most of that on YouTube. Thank goodness for YouTube).

I only venture out into the world once a week at the most, mostly for groceries or medical appointments. And I will change my mask two, perhaps three times. So I wash masks every 6 to 8 weeks on average.

And that has become the norm in 2020.

Who would've thought that would have been a portion of my focus in 2020?

Hopefully this is a once in a lifetime type of situation.

I remember in early April of 2020 just breaking down and crying in the shower one morning because I was so confused and scared.  No one seemed to know what was going on, and just the mere shock of everything- job, church, theaters, etc.- everything closing down just messed my head up.

I have had moments like that all year... even lately.

2020 is coming to a close. I am hoping that the pandemic will end in 2021.  I am not sure how much longer we can all go on like this. People are missing family and whatnot. I am not a big family person, but I miss my sister and nephew, the only family I have close contact with these days, even prepandemic.

For me, the deeper problem is the unknown...the presence of the unknown and no idea of the solution. I can't control or solve it. 

I can only depend on God and be thankful to see another day.

Because so many did not live to see another day, or a new year on the horizon. 

And until this thing is over... 

I will continue washing my masks. 

Wordless Wednesday: The Little Saxophone Man's Favorite Christmas Gift

The Last Ten Tuesday Thoughts of 2020

 Here we go.  The very last Tuesday of the year is worthy of ten thoughts. Of course it is.

1. I tell you what: I am sick and tired of these doggone senate campaign commercials. I counted, and there are about 20 of them per hour running on our local channels. If that is not a commercial in itself for using the streaming services, I don't know what is. Ugh.

2. Sadly, I think both Orrsof and Warnock will lose.  This is a southern state. 

3. I have done a TON of writing during this covid season. I have almost completed a short novel. I am happy for that, especially since I don't care to write long form fiction. There is just so much to think about. 

4. I haven't read as much as I like. But I do well when I read an hour a day. I think I enjoy the ability to sit and be still and quiet for an hour moreso than the reading itself. I feel like I just need to chill with no noise. Just me and the book, and not the busyness of the noise from the TV or streaming music service.

5. Wednesdays and Saturdays are my clothes washing days. I went rogue today on a Tuesday and washed two loads of clothes. If that's not living on the wild side, I don't know what is. 

6. My master bedroom is on the first level of my house. To punch a little variety in my life during these times, I will sleep upstairs a couple of times a week. It is funny, because sometimes I wake up and it takes me a minute to figure out where I am. LOL

7. I have the spotify streaming service for my music streaming, but I think I listen to the same 100 songs over and over again. Sigh. 

8. When I read, I like to highlight words I have never heard, or I can't pronounce. Some of the words I have highlighted from the latest book I am reading: accreted, pedantically, pilloried, truncheon,  counterrevolutionaries, archetypal. I look up the word and I hear it pronounced. I like to think I am increasing my vocabulary, but I know I will never use these words again. 

9. My cats Mitch and Callie have had me around for the past 10 months. They like to use me as some type of prop.  It's like they are saying, "Instead of laying in my cat bed, I am just going to lay on LadyLee."

10. I don't feel like I've accomplished much this year, but in these covid times, it seems like not catching the virus and staying alive is one heckuva accomplishment. 

Okay, that is the very last Ten Tuesday Thoughts.

It only took me about 20 minutes to do. 

And that is awesome.

The Last Monday of the Year...

 'Tis the last Monday of the year.

And I want to make sure I post this week, as much as possible. 

I have NO plans for the week. None at all. As a matter of fact, I am even on leave from work this week. But I will still be working because I have a report to write, well half of a report. I don't have the data for the other half. Someone at work, who wants to be at work, is working on that. He is off for 2 weeks, so I am taking this time to just catch up and have my thoughts together for when he gets back next week. 

Today, I ventured out to the grocery store. I needed to pick up a prescription. And do some shopping. I needed a couple of things but I ended up spending much more than I cared to. Is it just me or are groceries much more expensive now?  I do better if I just get grocery delivered. Really.  And I think that will be the situation for the new year.

While on the HIGHLY gentrified side of the neighborhood, I ventured out to a local salad bar. LadyTee recently visited it, and she had rave reviews. The name of the salad bar is Salata.

I walked in there and immediately thought, good gracious alive, I bet these gentrifying white folks LOVE this. Man oh man, they have upwards of 50 toppings for your salad. 50!!! Whew. Their motto, eat good, look good, feel good is an understatement. 

Personally, I saw Salata on ubereats and they had a salad dressing I like: Jalepeno Avocado. I saw that I could order a jar of it. And since I'd been doing my grocery shopping at a Publix in the same plaza, I decided to go investigate as it first opened, when there weren't many people in there. (This has to be only the second or third time I have walked into an establishment for takeout since the pandemic started. It is highly unnerving).

I think I paid $10 for my salad and $7 for the dressing. Talking about something GOOD. Wow. I got two huge meals out of it, as I ate half the salad for lunch and half for dinner. Wow. I usually make my salads at home, but I will be ordering from them from time to time, if only for the jar of dressing. 

But that was the gist of the day. I came home and did some reading and watched a little television. The day went by in a blur, I tell you.  Pretty much like the year. Ugh. 

Movie of the Week.  Soul by Disney Pixar

I have watched a lot of movies and episodes of anything this year, and I am always glad to see a good movie with a good message. This had it all. There were quite a few black characters, but Disney still has some work to do on that. But it was overall good. It is about a middle school music teacher who has regrets about his dreams and learns the lesson of finding ones purpose.  It is something that will most likely go over little kids heads, but it made me think about my own purposes and goals. 

I'm not going into a big critique/description, etc.  Watch it and make up your own mind. I know one thing: animation is coming a long way. The new innovations... wow!

Song of the Month.  Busta Rhymes and  Q-Tip "Don't Go"

I think I like this song because it is calm. And they are not mumbling. I think I am getting old. And Busta and Q-Tip are my age. Busta is 48 and Q-Tip is 50. So I just think we are all in the same age group and they are making something I like, lol.

I must say... I don't really listen to as much music as I use to. Sigh. I like older music. I can't tell you what the hot 2020 songs right now. Nor do I care. 

That is all for now. I promised myself that I would write for at least 30 minutes a day, just to have a record of my thoughts and issues faced this year. I can do that, can't I?  I know it would turn into me needing a good hour or two a day to lay out the good and bad of the year. But it has all been on my mind... 

This covid season has been... whew! 

Have a good Monday... and a good final week of the year... 

On purpose. 

Merry Christmas 2020

 

Who would've known that this Christmas would be so full of pandemic and uncertainty?  

Yet here we stand. 

So keep standing. And enjoy the day.

Merry Christmas! 

Rest in Peace John "Ecstacy" Fletcher

Ecstasy of the rap group Whodini has died.

No cause of death was disclosed. Man, it is sad. Whodini was one my favorite rap groups. And they were a group playing at the first concert I attended back in 1983. Favorite songs... so many, but my favorites were "One Love" and "Big Mouth"

Wordless Wednesday: Scoot Booty... Nephew Justin!!

What's with the Weather?!? Part II

So a couple of weeks ago, I was perplexed over this complicated hurricane map.

Two hurricanes doing something crazy like crossing up paths or something. It was just odd, as I don't remember anything like that jumping off before

Now this week, look what's happening.

FIVE hurricanes coming our way. FIVE.

Sally, Paulette, Rene, Teddy and Vicky.

It's like a whole family of hurricanes just decided to get together and roll out. All at once.

Oh my. I don't even know what to say or how to feel about this.

This weather.

It's too much.
Sally makes landfall tomorrow. Hopefully some of these hurricanes will fizzle out in the Atlantic Ocean, because we just can't handle all of this.

What's with this Weather!?!

One of the best things I do for myself on the weekend is to not watch much news. None of the weekend news shows that come on Sunday mornings, none of that if I can help it.

But I watch the evening news shows, like World News Tonight.

My big thing right now besides the pandemic is... what in the world is going on with the weather!!??

So I snapped this picture off my TV screen last week...

That is San Francisco. Just RED. And that is in the morning. They were told to turn on their high beams and go slow. Yo, how about I don't even go out that day. Cancel doctor appointments, tennis appointments. All that. What in the hell is that? Literally!

Then this graphic just really messed me up.

Nearly 15,000 firefighters? Oh my.

But what really help me understand the scope of it all was the map of fire locations on the west coast:

Now, I thought there was just one fire, like, over in California. I didn't know that there were too many to count, all up and down the west coast. That is almost too much to take in. No wonder there are so many firefighters involved. My goodness. Whole communities are burnt out carcasses of themselves.

Now, one of my favorite authors took a photo of her car in the morning. I think she lives in Los Angeles, which is nowhere near the fires. And even with that said, there is plenty ash on her car.

That is CRAZY. And just imagine the respiratory issues that are being aggravated and that will produce issues. Ugh.

Over thirty people have died in the fires, and a lot of people are missing. That makes it even more exasperating.

This has been on my mind heavy, and I sure included them on my prayer list. I wish that they could get some of this rain we've been getting. That would at least help.

Sigh.

Friday Freestyle: 9-11 Editon

Friday is here.

This week went by super fast. Which is really a good thing, since I am sitting at home. I am attending a conference right now, which is holding about 50% of my interest, if that. I am picking up little nuggets of information here and there. Nothing mind blowing. Right now it is just something to do, I suppose.

Today is 9-11, the anniversary of perhaps one of the most tragic events in the history of our country. (And I am speaking modern history within the last 50 years or thereabout). I tell you right now, I am SHOCKED that such an occurrence has not happened on that scale multiple times in our country since then. Just shocked. So at the same time, I am so thankful that we have been relatively safe from such large scale tragedy of that type.

I remember where I was. I have been on my job for 19 years now, and I had only been on this job for about three weeks when the Towers fell. I was at a conference. I cannot remember the name of the conference. It was in Denver, Colorado, and it was work-related.

I remember for a few days prior, this overwhelming sense of foreboding. (I have been trying to think of a word to describe what I was feeling... "foreboding" is the word for it). Something was wrong. And I automatically thought that I shouldn't fly to Denver, but that wasn't it. I flew there, made it there safely, and attended my first day of meetings. And a day later, on a Tuesday morning, when those jets hit those towers, I heard loud and clear on the inside... that was what's wrong.

I have not felt that way about anything sense then. It may be that my mind and heart are so cluttered, that I don't get quiet enough to hear much of anything. I don't know. I just know, if I don't have to feel that way ever again, fine by me. FINE.

What I do understand now is one thing, and it has been the subject of many a food-for-thought on this blog over the past 15 years:

Not only is the tragedy immediately devastating, but the long term residual effects of it are devastating, even much so.

Residual effects.

The residue of what is left behind after the clean up is over.

The mental residual effects. The mental residue.

That is what we are living in now... the residual effects of 9-11. 

And we will soon be hopefully living with the residual effects, the residue, of the coronavirus...

And we will survive it all.

Believe that.

Amen.

Chadwick Boseman, 1977-2020. Rest in Peace. Wakanda Forever

Ten Thursday Thoughts

1. We are well into month FIVE of quarantine. Well, by this time, pseudo-quarantine.  I don't know what to call it. All I know is that I am just numb right now. Numb is the only word I can use to describe how I feel. And I'm all tapped out when it comes to work. I really need a lab to get experiments done, but it is just not worth me going in. For once in my life, I just need to put myself and my well being before my job. And let the chips fall where they may with management.

2. I had a doctor's appointment today. This completely unnerves me, as every time I touch something, I douse my hands in hand sanitizer.

3. My doctor's appointment was at 9:00 am. I didn't go to bed until 3:30 am. Ugh. And doctor is 30 miles away. That is, like, a very long road trip for me.

4. I did have an incredibly quiet and peaceful shopping experience at the Eagles Landing (far south metro Atlanta Suburb) this morning. People had on masks and were social distancing and the store was not at all crowded. That's the way I like it.

5. I have gained Covid weight, but all my bloodwork is very good. I am no longer anemic. Cholesterol and blood pressure are within normal levels. All my electrolyte, vitamin, mineral levels are within range, kidneys are great. So that is good. I suppose. Gonna be thankful anyhow.

6. "Your legs are skinny," my doctor said.
    "But I've gained weight!" I screeched.
    "That is because you are not moving," she explained. "You need to move. Join a gym."
    "I am not running up in no gym right now. No way. Found some youtube videos, though."
    "Good for you," she said.

And that's all I can do right now. And hope for the best.

7. If I listen to terrestrial radio in the car, I like to listen to an Old school station. I heard some good songs on my 60 mile round trip to my doctor's office. Some Kool and the Gang, Earth Wind and Fire, and the like. The problem is that it took me back to days when I was little and my Mother and I would be listening to music in the car and singing along...

8. I got all teary-eyed at those memories. So I guess I have to just plug in my Spotify playlist and listen to that until I feel better about it all.

9. And with that said, look what comes up on my timeline: Forever More by Enchantment.



10. Prayers for Texas and Louisiana right now.

How in the world does one deal with a pandemic, racial injustice AND a hurricane during this time? I just don't know.

Praying ALL of this craziness will just be over soon enough.

Those are my 10 Thoughts. On a Thursday.

Wordless Wednesday: Giving Thanks for Condolences Arrangements

Two at a Time?

So I have been barely paying much attention to the news. I think I am just tired of all the vitriol, and I want some peace.

But it has been raining every single day in Atlanta. I don't understand it. EVERY day, usually in the afternoon.

So I thought it was about time to watch the news. Maybe one of the meteorologists could explain what the world was going on!

Why is it that I turned on the TV and saw this?

TWO HURRICANES?

Luckily I have YouTubeTV, so I could just rewind it back.

YES! TWO at a TIME.

What the world?

2020 is something else...

First corona... then racism... then TWO HURRICANES.

Ugh.

I haven't seent such a thing. Have you?

One at a time is bad. Everybody have to brace themselves, evacuate, or whatever else needs to be done. Thank goodness for innovative weather technology, Doppler radars, and all that so we can see everything and get advanced warning.

But what do you do with TWO hurricanes spinning up at the same time??

I mean, look at this craziness!!



Hurricane Marco and Hurricane Laura.

Wow.

These don't seem like they will be TOO bad, i.e. they are not of Hurricane Katrina proportions.

But imagine if there were two category 5 hurricanes about to hit at the same time.

OH MY!!

And such a thing would not surprise me if it happened during the Great Pandemic of 2020.

Not at all.

But of course, memes run roughshod all through the Facebook and Twitter streets.

This is the best and funniest I have found:

There is no satisfying explanation for all the rain falling in Atlanta, save for them resulting right now from the outer bands of Marco or Laura. It has been raining everyday for what feels like months, so that is only a partial explanation.

But this is a high class problem for me, i.e., I can just open an umbrella and go on about my business.

It is a harsh reality for those in the path of the hurricanes.

I pray everyone is safe from harm and that all will be well.

Me complaining about a little rain is a small thing in the midst of it all.

Rest in Peace to my Mother, Carolyn Releford

I briefly mentioned in a couple of posts over the past two weeks that my mother was on life support.

She was removed from life support last night, and passed away shortly there after.

I wasn't there, due to covid concerns. My sister Kay and brother Kari were there with her holding her hand as she passed. I asked if I could come down and just sit in the parking lot. They said no, too many folks around, and they wanted to keep me safe.

I did go down last Thursday night. I don't think I wrote about it, not sure. But our mother was the only patient in the hospice at the time, and we were the only family there. So I visited with her for about three hours (from 10 pm -1 am). We prayed over her and anointed her head with oil. It was good to see and touch my sister, as I haven't since mid-March. My mother has been unresponsive for two weeks (basically in a coma), so her ventilator was doing the breathing for her.

I do not really know how to feel right now. There have been a few tears over the past couple of weeks, but really, just a lot of thinking. I posted a memorium on Facebook that conveys my feelings as of late. I have reposted here, along with some photos.


Rest in Peace, Mother
Carolyn Releford, April 24, 1948 - August 18, 2020.

My mother Carolyn Releford passed away today at the age of 72 after a long illness. She never fully recovered from a bypass surgery she had in late 2018. She and I have always had a complex relationship, but we managed as best we could over the years. It hurt to see her in so much pain over this past year and a half, and though I am sad that she is gone, I am relieved that she is in pain no more. She'd been on life support for the past two weeks, and I found myself praying for her throughout the day. But as of late, what has been endearing was my noticing some of my little habits - making a to-do list every single morning, stacking dishes before I wash them, the way I iron my clothes, the way I sort my laundry, the way I wash my collards, or snap my beans- and pausing for a moment and saying softly to myself in the quiet of the day, "Ma taught me how to do this." I may shed a few tears, or just sit in quiet respect of those passing moments. I am learning to cherish such memories, and they have somehow afforded much peace and comfort.

Rest in peace, Ma. I pray you are with God and in the arms of your ancestors, those you have loved, lost, and missed for so long. Thank you for doing the best you could with me and my brother Kari Releford and my sister Kay Releford. I think we turned out pretty good.

Love, Alesia
But as you have always called me "Lee" and "Lisa".


I wrote that last night, about five hours after she passed. I did not know what I wanted to post, but I just thought about some of my thoughts over the last few weeks and wrote that.


I know I will miss her. No, we didn't get along well at times, but that never negates the good times.


I am just thankful she is not in pain anymore. It was terrible to watch her moan in pain... and not being able to do anything for her, but just try to make her comfortable.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy. They brought back great memories for me and my siblings.

Ma, probably at some party she was attending.

Ma visiting with her grandsons, circa 2008, in Seattle Washington.

 Ma and Milk and Cookies, 2005? Milk and Cookies was part of a biking crew, and they were at a restaurant with his crew in Seattle.

Ma, and my Father, in 1967 or thereabouts.

 Ma and Justin a few days after he was born in August 2017. We were sitting in the Emory NIC unit taking turns holding him.

 Ma and my Auntie, her sister, in 2012, after the funeral of their cousin.

 Me and Ma, circa 1976, taking pictures at Auntie's house. She was serious, and as you can see, I was not.

 A picture at auntie's house. This is one of the few pictures with all of us. This had to be around 1993-1994.

 Ma and Milk and Cookies. He had a layover in Atlanta, and we all ran down to the airport to see him, if only for a half hour, before his flight home to Seattle.

Ma and her boyfriend Mack. They had been together for 7 years.

I enjoyed going through my phone and finding old pictures. They brought back so many memories.

Rest in peace, Ma. No more pain. That is all we can ask and hope for for you.

Rest in peace.