Lost and Found, Part II

So...

I was cruising down I-20, heading home from work after picking up a prescription at the White people's Kroger, when my cell phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Lesia!"

"Yeah, who is this?" I wait for a reply. Nobody calls me that. My fam calls me "Lee" or "Lisa". Hell, some folks even call me "LadyLee". Most throw an "A" on "lesia" and call me that, since that is my gub'ment name.

"Lesia."

"Yeah, wassup?" I couldn't place the voice. Didn't sound like any of the jokers I'd given my number to in the past.

"This Milton."

I think for what feels like forever, even though it's a few seconds.

Then the name registers. I'm on the highway, but I slow down.

It was my Father.

Hmmm...

I'm not sure how I was suppose to react. It wasn't like I'd been looking for him for years. I live downtown, and he lives in East Lake, which is about 10 minutes from my spot. I pass through his neighborhood all the time as a back street way home from my favorite Farmer's Market.

This past summer, I looked up the address on MapQuest. Drove past his house a few times, saying to myself, if he was outside, I would slow down and say something. But he wasn't. And I am NOT knocking on anyone's door unannounced. I don't get down like that.

But I must credit my baby blog sista, That Original Oldgirl The LBeezy, for getting my feet unstuck, and getting me to do something. We were reading a piece of Inspirational fiction together last spring , Tia McCollors' The Truth about Love, and there was a woman in the book who found out information about her father. She went down to his place of business to meet him and he just outright rejected her.

This bothered me, and it was something that LBeezy and I discussed. She listened as I verbalized my thoughts about it and how it reminded me of myself a bit. I think I've called my father twice in the last 5 years or so, just to say hello, and he was very aloof. I think he was just shocked or something and didn't know what to say. I pretty much took it as a cue not to bother him.

Anyway, The LBeezy made a suggestion: I should send him a note in the mail with my phone numbers, and if he wants to call and meet, then that would be that.

I thought it was an excellent idea and decided to do it. She even gave me a deadline for the task, which was August 6th, I believe.

So, I did that and he called yesterday. What is this, almost 2 months later. This doesn't surprise me. I hear that we are a lot alike. I myself woulda waited and thought on the matter.

Now, I said I was estranged from my Father. I don't know if "estranged" is a good word. I just don't know him. And my Mama (who I am estranged from), has said so many awful things about him when I was growing up that, heck, I thought I would do myself good just to stay away from the man.

But, later on, in my 20's, my Auntie Joyce and I talked about it, and she pretty much let me know that most of the stuff said was simply not true. I was completely unnerved by one of my Mama's ex-boyfriends who would look at me as if he was about to wail or something. I mean, this dude would be happy to see me (very strange). He told me one day, "You was almost mine, you were suppose to be mine, blah, blah, blah!!" This unnerved me, because it made me think that Milton might not even be my father. My Aunt, who seems to know EVERYTHING (lol), cleared this up. She said that it was true, that this dude did wish that I was his, but Milton was indeed my father. We've discussed over the years my thoughts on it all.

So I made a goal to talk to Milton by the time I turned 30.

Well, I am 38 now. Uh, age 30 has long since past.

I asked my Aunt for his information some 5 years ago, and she gave it to me. She was fully supportive of me contacting him, and thought there wouldn't be any problem.

I must admit all that my Mother has said about him has continued to occupy my thoughts, and it has taken much to undo such. I mean, I don't want anything from the man. No issues of grilling him about why he wasn't there. None of that. I wrote all of that in the note I sent.

Darius wrote on his personal blog this week about "To do" lists, namely things on the "to do" list of life. It is on my list to sit down and talk to my father. Period. Have dinner and convo, and go on about my business. I'm grown now, my Mama ain't in the mix to muck things up (as usual), and that's that.

So, like I said, he called. I haven't had a face-to-face talk with him since I was 10 years old, and I attended his parents funerals (was forced to do it by my Mother, really), and he was upset that I didn't come by the house. I think after that, I let it go.

But he called, and I think we talked for about 10 minutes. This was odd to me because I haven't talked to him for 10 minutes total during my whole lifetime. He asked me how I'd been, if I had a job, if I was married and had a family, and how my Mama was doing.

He asked when I was coming over. I said he would have to let me know when a good time was. He said, "Hell, whenever, in the middle of the night, I don't care. I just want to see you before I croak!"

I told him that my schedule didn't permit me stopping by anytime soon, as work is very time-consuming for the next couple of weeks. So I would have to let him know.

He asked why I hadn't been over in all these years. I said that I was simply afraid. I don't know him, and have heard too strange stuff about him. So that's all it is. He said he understood. (Yeah, he is familiar with my Mother's tactics).

Then he said something that was odd. "You know I love you, don't you? Always have."

I was like, "Well, thank you very much."

He was a bit hurt by that. Asked why I didn't feel the same way. I simply said I don't know him. I'm just grown now, out from under my mother's influence, and wanted to see and talk to him.

I mean, what are you supposed to say to such?

I rarely tell people that I love them. It has to be forced and yanked out of me. And it unnerves me something terrible to hear people tell me that they love me. Just a bit of my quirky personality. I wasn't raised hearing such things. But for me love is action. Plain and simple. If I have love for you, my actions tell you this. You can tell me this, or I can tell you such all day long, but for me action speaks louder than those three words. And I suppose it's best when love and action go hand in hand.

So for him to say that, well... I just told him how I felt about all that, and that was that.

What was particularly funny was that he was insisting that I write his number down. I had to repeatedly tell him that when he called, his number showed up on my cell, and I could save it later. I still had to hear "I'll wait while you get a pen, girl!"

LOL!

One thing I recognized in 10 minutes time, which I found totally BIZARRE is that we have the same sense of humor. I mean, he would say stuff that I myself would say... that is all very very strange to me.

So I am due for a visit. My best friend LadyTee and I had a long talk about it all, and she yelled "I wanna go with you."

Just her way of saying "Girl, you can't handle this. I am going with you."

So, once work has calmed down (Ya'll who know me know the national crises bullish I'm currently working with), I will go over there. Definitely some time this month.

I have absolutely no expectations. I am grown now. All the lies (which he conincidently talked about) are pretty much out of my head (I suppose). Just want to see him, since he is a part of my DNA.

I just want to sit down and visit with him. I may or may not come back around, according to how that goes.

We will see.