The Pain of Judgment

I have to warn you right now that I have been way deep into the deeper parts of my morning pages and highlighting eyebrow raising epiphanies. These are more "spiritual" than not. Not religious, as I fail miserably at religion. I'm not your perfect "church folk" type of person. I am looking for relationship. I am looking to trust in God. That's my angle. So over the next few days, for bloggaversery purposes, we gonna post up some thought-provoking entries.


So I woke up one morning and saw this:

 I was shocked. Not in the way that you think one would be shocked, though. I was more in the vein of, man... I thought they were voting on marriage equality in one or two states. Not nationwide. I don't keep up with political issues too much. This was a countrywide issue. WOW.

My reaction is not outrage. It is not yippee, either. (since I'm not gay, I'm not sure why I should be cartwheeling in the streets). I do remember saying over the past couple of years in various discussions. Man listen... LBGT is knee deep in money, and they have lobbyists. They will get there issues passed.

We discussed and discussed over hot cups of coffee or in passing. Then voila. It's the law of the land. And us religious folks are all up in arms about it. I am a bit O_o behind that.

It rubs me the wrong way... all that judgment, that is.

And it's one of the reasons why I just don't care for "religion". When I think of religion, I think judgment. I think legalism. I fail at religion, i.e., the rules and regulations... and the judgment.

Come on now, here is the problem. We don't live in a Theocracy. The bible is not law of the land.  We would all be failing miserably at it. There are 10 commandments and over 600 laws there.

 And if you break one, you break them all. It is daunting. I have been divorced. I've fornicated to the heights of fornicaticity. I've lied, cheated, stole, been adulterous, eaten shellfish and pork... all kinds of stuff. In other words, instead of finger pointing, I need to go sit down in a corner and face the wall... and shut up.

Not sure why people are judging. It's the law of the land. And if you don't like it, don't go marry anyone of the same sex. Period. Leave people alone.

You're awful, LadyLee, you may think. No I am not. I choose not to judge folks. Or, at least I work on trying not to judge folks. Trust me, it's an ongoing job to work towards not being judgmental. And I I don't want to be a Pharisee.

I thought about how, over the years, I've sat and talked to gay friends and coworkers. And since we are friends, they allow me to ask questions, because you have to admit, this is different. I mean,  I can't imagine looking at another woman with desire.  That is beyond me.  I've written about my Uncle Olin and his man of thirty plus years Otis. I was a child, and would never ask them questions. But I have asked questions of others.

I remember working with a man who'd been married twice to women, but he had chosen to be with a man. And he was happy. And you know me, I asked a bunch of questions. And he answered them all. I had a chance, at a young age (I think I was 21 or 22), to just sit and listen to his story. To this day, I admire his honesty.  I have had conversations with friends who have had similar experiences and much different ones. I have had to console friends in same-sex abusive relationships (which really boggled my mind.I have been sitting there listening and thinking... Ain't no way no chick gonna beat my tail. (I cleaned that thought WAY up for you)). I've seen plenty of situations. And I thought about all that, all these conversations over the years.

With that in mind, it has never crossed my mind to stand and point my finger and judge. It is what it is. A people fought for their rights and won. Period.

However, they still have to hide. You can get fired if you're homosexual. I work with some closeted folks. We all know they are who they are, but it will never be uttered. There is no federal law to protect people against that.

I am thinking about all this because I came across an enlightening diary entry. I can't say I prayed much about this, but I prayed more about why there was so much visceral hate from Christian people. Seems like we should be operating differently.

The answer was a simple one, but complex.  I made sure to write it down:

"It's much more difficult to walk in love toward people than to walk in hate."

Harsh, but true. It is difficult to sit our personal beliefs/philosphies aside (although they aren't really being set aside), and treat people in a way that we wish to be treated.  That is HARD.

On the morning of June 28th, I woke up and was melancholy. I thought it was because I had been watching so much news and had been watching the squabbling over this subject matter. It was such an assault on my psyche, and so depressing. So I spent time writing about it all. 

Much more intriguing is something else I wrote...

"One of my core philosophies is that I will never push what I believe for myself off on anyone else. Never. It is one thing to sit here and have thoughts about someone's life and choices, but to act out and judge them over it?  That is too much for me. One thing that I truly appreciate is that the Holy Spirit catches me at thought level. And He speaks concerning that particular thought. I SO appreciate it because I gain so much understanding. I will always appreciate the concern, care, and teaching moments in life. They are high in my memory, and I must say that it give me comfort to know that the Holy Spirit can tap me on the spiritual shoulder and say 'Hey, let me talk to you about something... '".

 Yes, I appreciate that. You will never know how much I get out of making a correction. And stuff I've been struggling with for years gets taken care of quickly. Not sure if you have had that experience, but I have.

But a much more intriguing question came up. I came across it while reading my entry for the same day. I've been pondering the question for the past month, and I will be thinking about it for awhile.

"Something interesting came to mind.  And I think it is from the Holy Spirit, simply because of its profoundness. If left alone, with no one to look at and judge, how would you feel about yourself? How would you deal with the pain and discomfort even of having only your own deep rooted personal issues and business to tend to? With only your ownself and actions to judge?"

Hmm... how profound is that? How uncomfortable is that?

How scary and painful is that?

Like I said, that has been heavy on my heart and in my prayers.  I'm still trying to understand the breadth and depth of that. It is layered. Highly layered. And it's on my mind when I watch the news or listen to people around me, even. The finger is always pointed. "You're gay!" "You're a different race!" You're tall!" You're too short!"  "You're fat!" "You're skinny!"

In other words you're different than me. Your beliefs differ from mine. You aren't the same race as me. On and on and on.

What happens if one becomes well seasoned in judging oneself... rather than being so quick to judge another?

I dream of that level of maturity.

I myself am still working on that one.

Always and forever.