The Last Day of the Year, Part III: A New President

 I tell you... I don't care much to write about this  presidential election, but it is worth mentioning. So I will just write a little. And I will try to put a different spin on it. 

But I tell you, this doggone election has plucked my LAST nerves. 

And at the same time, it feels good to hear it announced when President-Elect Biden is going to give a speech, as he has been doing as of late. I stop what I'm doing and I sit down and I listen. And boy or boy it feels good to hear someone speak in complete sentences. Just to hear someone who cogent, who isn't treating this like some big comedy skit makes me hopeful. 

But Trump is still around, doing everything he can to seemingly sabotage the whole peaceful transfer of power process.  And whenever he was giving a speech over the past couple of years I was in search of my remote control so I could turn the channel. And if I couldn't do that, I would just leave the room. 

It was frustrating. I mean, I grew up watching the Presidents give speeches. This one, not so much. If he read from the teleprompter, that was fine. But the comedy schtick and the stretched truths.. no sir. Not today, Sir. I cannot.

Over the past couple of weeks, I read a book that helped me understand all the shenanigans. It has all been very confusing.  And I needed this book out in 2016.

I now have a fundamental understanding when they have been wailing on the political news shows about how this is an attempt to destroy our democracy.  After reading this book, I'm like... OH! Ok. 

Because that's what's going on. And the problem is that Trump is nowhere near as smart and savvy as these past dictators. They were tactical. They were diabolical. Our beloved president seems like he is... brooding, and just having tantrums.

These dictators had their opponents jailed, exiled or killed. They killed MILLIONS of people. If you were against whatever ish they were doing, or if they even so much as thought you were against what they were doing, you and your families and anybody that knew you were dead. Period.  Didn't matter how you died... guillotine, gunshot, set on fire, gas chambers, whatever... they got rid of folks quick, dirty and in a hurry.

Thank goodness we have a Constitution. That is saving us. These dictators got rid of their forms of the constitution AND the opposing parties. I mean, it was CRAZY.

We here in the USA appear to have some guardrails (democracy). But doggonit, we are slamming against those guardrails something awful. I want to go back to a time when the proverbial car was just kept in the middle of the road. 

But it was helpful to read that book. It was such a sad book, though. All the killing and torture was horrible. And I learned that a thirst for hunger and power is never satisfied. ALL that ish comes to a bad end. The seed sown... let's just say you eventually reap what you sow. Period.

And now I understand how the cult of personality, the "Fake news" chants, the lies and all that comes together.  Here is a list, the blueprint for establishing a dictatorship and destroying a democracy, from the book. (Source: Strongman: The Rise of Five Dictators and The Fall of Democracy by Kenneth C. Davis)

Does any of that look familiar??  Gives me the creeps, I tell you.

It was so crazy to read about Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Saddam Hussein and how similar the environments are between what is going on now and what went on back then.  It was fascinating and scary at the same time to read about. The horror the people suffered is unimaginable. But the groundwork, the silent groundwork and the buildup, was terrifying to read about. The whole emphasis on making the country great again was startling. 

Because that is what we are going through right now. 

And it's not over. Who knows what will happen on January 5th and 6th. Ugh. 

I know one thing... it is all emotionally draining. And anyone or anything that emotionally drains me on a daily basis demands further consideration as to why... and that book right there really gave me an understanding of what will happen if our democracy is thrown out the window. 

Ugh.  

Congratulations to President-Elect Joe Biden. 

He's no savior by any means, but Lord help us... we just need someone in office who will take their job seriously. No havoc, no messiness, no tweeting... just be President. 

And realize this is not a comedy or reality show. 

And just don't emotionally drain me. 

That's all that I can ask and hope for. 

Last Day of the Year, Part II: The Passing of My Mother

 This year, my mother died. 

We had her cremated, and we didn't have a service. 

"I would feel horrible if we had a funeral, and someone catches the covid at the funeral. This burying people back to back to back,..." my sister lamented. 

"I understand," I said. "That may be what's best. And I hope no one has a problem with you over it."

And she was right. Funerals have been known to be superspreaders.  I don't, and no one else, I reckon, wants the memory of someone catching covid at our mother's funeral. If someone got ill, or God forbid, died, that would be tatooed on our conscious forever. And let's not even talk about the guilt of it all. 

So there was no funeral. Hopefully there will be a memorial service when this is all over.

Although it has been four months since her passing, it is still mindboggling, since she has always been larger than life. 

I don't know how to feel about it. I still get teary-eyed over it from time to time, like, when I hear an old 70s song (she loved old school music).  She and I didn't have much of a relationship, and I'd only seen her on a regular basis over the past couple of years. I was doing all I could to help my sister Kay, her primary caretaker, take care of her. And this always felt strange since I have felt like an outsider in my own family. 

But I myself have been in the hospital a couple of times over the past 20 years, and it helps to have a familiar face around. And that is what I considered myself... a familiar face. 

A familiar face.

It was a normal thing for me over the 1.5 years before her passing to leave work in the middle of the day to take her to dialysis, or to go visit her at the hospital when I got off from work. We would just sit and watch television, sometimes the news, or some show on the cooking channel. I remember having to talk to her about not giving the staff a hard time. (She was a unique personality, she was.)  This was a problem in the nursing homes and rehab centers. And there was a bit of contention between her and myself when she would criticize us, mostly my sister. I wasn't doing well with that at all. 

But a couple of days before her death, when she'd been on life support, I remember visiting her in hospice care. I remember my sister playing gospel music on her cell phone, and us anointing her head with oil and praying prayers out of my prayer book. We just sat with her for awhile. Me and mother have the same hands, and my sister took a picture. 

I was surprised at the warmth of her hand.

Of course it was warm. The machine was breathing for her. 

I was little taken aback because I had only seen my sister once or twice since the quarantine and covid had begun-  only once or twice in a four month period. It felt good to just see my sister up close. To sit in the lobby alone with her and relax... to touch her and hold her hand. Just to sit and talk to my sister was something that eased my mind. 

And that night was the last time I saw my mother. She passed a couple of days later, the day after my sister's birthday, and the day before my nephew Justin's birthday. I was not present, but my brother and sister were. I offered to come down and just sit in the parking lot. But my brother and sister that there were too many people down at the hospice, and they needed to keep me safe during the covid. 

I was glad that they were there when she took her last breaths. They had their closure and I had mine. 

I met my brother and sister at the crematorium to retrieve the urn of her ashes. I was not sure why I should be there. After all, they were just picking up ashes. But it meant something for us to stand together with her urn while a stranger snapped a picture of us. It is a memory to have. And again, during this time of social distancing and covid confusion, I got a quick chance to touch my brother and sister. It was good to joke and laugh with them. That meant so much to me. 

I think what is particularly painful for me is that most of the relatives that raised me are gone, either through death or distance. Or even relationships are no longer there.  My past is gone. I have friends in their 50s who feel the same way. There is a lamenting of sorts of the people who knew and raised us are gone or not present. 

Our childhoods are mere memories that we can only touch with our minds. It meant much to have people who loved me, who I could just "me" around. I am a difficult personality, and they still loved me. That is mostly gone.

And that is very painful. And I feel a little caught off guard. 

Last year (or perhaps the year before), I read an interesting book for book club. I think it is one of the best books I have read in the last couple of years. 

The name of it is City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert.

There was a quote near the end of the book that brought me to tears, as it described how I really felt.

"This is what I've found about life, as I've gotten older: you start to lose people, Angela. It's not that there is a shortage of people- oh heavens no. It is merely that - as the years pass- there comes to be a terrible shortage of your people. The ones you loved. The ones who knew the people that you both loved. The ones who know your whole history.

Those people start to be plucked away by death, and they are awfully hard to replace after they go. After a certain age, it can become difficult to make new friends. The world can begin to feel lonely and sparse, teeming through it may be with freshly minted young souls. 

I'm not sure whether you've had that feeling yet. But I've had it. And you may have that feeling someday."  

I've had that feeling. 

I was so taken aback when I read that. They were words that brought my feelings to life. They were words that expressed what I couldn't. And I am thankful for that. 

My mother, she was larger than life. And me and my sister were talking one day, and we found that we were thinking the same thing... we really hoped she found the peace she always sought on the other side. 

Rest in peace, Ma. We miss you.

The Last Day of the Year: The Washing of Masks

 I like to reminisce on my year on the last day of the year... 

And of course, when I think of the year 2020, I will think of the covid-19 pandemic. 

Sigh.

And a picture that sums it up on my end is the washing of masks.

Who on earth would've thought that "masks" would be the order of the day, the common thing?

I remember back in March, I was at a lost as to where to find an actual mask. And, no one was particularly sure if we needed them or not. I managed to get a 10 pack of surgical masks through a restaurant on ubereats. I was so proud to have found some. But then a friend of mine told me to go look on Etsy. I ordered masks from three different vendors. Then I ordered more from a vendor whose masks I liked the best.

So now I think I have ten cloth masks. I wanted the ones with the filter pocket. Why? Because I got the notion to buy a air filter so that I could chop it up. 

I chopped that filter down into little filters just large enough to fit the filter pockets of my masks.

This has all become a ritual of sorts. I wash my masks by hand in detergent and hot water twice, I rinse them thoroughly, then I soak them in boiling hot water for about thirty minutes. Then I hang them on a
plastic hanger and let them dry overnight. 

Then I place my cut filters in them and store them in a plastic bag. 

(I learned most of that on YouTube. Thank goodness for YouTube).

I only venture out into the world once a week at the most, mostly for groceries or medical appointments. And I will change my mask two, perhaps three times. So I wash masks every 6 to 8 weeks on average.

And that has become the norm in 2020.

Who would've thought that would have been a portion of my focus in 2020?

Hopefully this is a once in a lifetime type of situation.

I remember in early April of 2020 just breaking down and crying in the shower one morning because I was so confused and scared.  No one seemed to know what was going on, and just the mere shock of everything- job, church, theaters, etc.- everything closing down just messed my head up.

I have had moments like that all year... even lately.

2020 is coming to a close. I am hoping that the pandemic will end in 2021.  I am not sure how much longer we can all go on like this. People are missing family and whatnot. I am not a big family person, but I miss my sister and nephew, the only family I have close contact with these days, even prepandemic.

For me, the deeper problem is the unknown...the presence of the unknown and no idea of the solution. I can't control or solve it. 

I can only depend on God and be thankful to see another day.

Because so many did not live to see another day, or a new year on the horizon. 

And until this thing is over... 

I will continue washing my masks. 

Wordless Wednesday: The Little Saxophone Man's Favorite Christmas Gift

The Last Ten Tuesday Thoughts of 2020

 Here we go.  The very last Tuesday of the year is worthy of ten thoughts. Of course it is.

1. I tell you what: I am sick and tired of these doggone senate campaign commercials. I counted, and there are about 20 of them per hour running on our local channels. If that is not a commercial in itself for using the streaming services, I don't know what is. Ugh.

2. Sadly, I think both Orrsof and Warnock will lose.  This is a southern state. 

3. I have done a TON of writing during this covid season. I have almost completed a short novel. I am happy for that, especially since I don't care to write long form fiction. There is just so much to think about. 

4. I haven't read as much as I like. But I do well when I read an hour a day. I think I enjoy the ability to sit and be still and quiet for an hour moreso than the reading itself. I feel like I just need to chill with no noise. Just me and the book, and not the busyness of the noise from the TV or streaming music service.

5. Wednesdays and Saturdays are my clothes washing days. I went rogue today on a Tuesday and washed two loads of clothes. If that's not living on the wild side, I don't know what is. 

6. My master bedroom is on the first level of my house. To punch a little variety in my life during these times, I will sleep upstairs a couple of times a week. It is funny, because sometimes I wake up and it takes me a minute to figure out where I am. LOL

7. I have the spotify streaming service for my music streaming, but I think I listen to the same 100 songs over and over again. Sigh. 

8. When I read, I like to highlight words I have never heard, or I can't pronounce. Some of the words I have highlighted from the latest book I am reading: accreted, pedantically, pilloried, truncheon,  counterrevolutionaries, archetypal. I look up the word and I hear it pronounced. I like to think I am increasing my vocabulary, but I know I will never use these words again. 

9. My cats Mitch and Callie have had me around for the past 10 months. They like to use me as some type of prop.  It's like they are saying, "Instead of laying in my cat bed, I am just going to lay on LadyLee."

10. I don't feel like I've accomplished much this year, but in these covid times, it seems like not catching the virus and staying alive is one heckuva accomplishment. 

Okay, that is the very last Ten Tuesday Thoughts.

It only took me about 20 minutes to do. 

And that is awesome.

The Last Monday of the Year...

 'Tis the last Monday of the year.

And I want to make sure I post this week, as much as possible. 

I have NO plans for the week. None at all. As a matter of fact, I am even on leave from work this week. But I will still be working because I have a report to write, well half of a report. I don't have the data for the other half. Someone at work, who wants to be at work, is working on that. He is off for 2 weeks, so I am taking this time to just catch up and have my thoughts together for when he gets back next week. 

Today, I ventured out to the grocery store. I needed to pick up a prescription. And do some shopping. I needed a couple of things but I ended up spending much more than I cared to. Is it just me or are groceries much more expensive now?  I do better if I just get grocery delivered. Really.  And I think that will be the situation for the new year.

While on the HIGHLY gentrified side of the neighborhood, I ventured out to a local salad bar. LadyTee recently visited it, and she had rave reviews. The name of the salad bar is Salata.

I walked in there and immediately thought, good gracious alive, I bet these gentrifying white folks LOVE this. Man oh man, they have upwards of 50 toppings for your salad. 50!!! Whew. Their motto, eat good, look good, feel good is an understatement. 

Personally, I saw Salata on ubereats and they had a salad dressing I like: Jalepeno Avocado. I saw that I could order a jar of it. And since I'd been doing my grocery shopping at a Publix in the same plaza, I decided to go investigate as it first opened, when there weren't many people in there. (This has to be only the second or third time I have walked into an establishment for takeout since the pandemic started. It is highly unnerving).

I think I paid $10 for my salad and $7 for the dressing. Talking about something GOOD. Wow. I got two huge meals out of it, as I ate half the salad for lunch and half for dinner. Wow. I usually make my salads at home, but I will be ordering from them from time to time, if only for the jar of dressing. 

But that was the gist of the day. I came home and did some reading and watched a little television. The day went by in a blur, I tell you.  Pretty much like the year. Ugh. 

Movie of the Week.  Soul by Disney Pixar

I have watched a lot of movies and episodes of anything this year, and I am always glad to see a good movie with a good message. This had it all. There were quite a few black characters, but Disney still has some work to do on that. But it was overall good. It is about a middle school music teacher who has regrets about his dreams and learns the lesson of finding ones purpose.  It is something that will most likely go over little kids heads, but it made me think about my own purposes and goals. 

I'm not going into a big critique/description, etc.  Watch it and make up your own mind. I know one thing: animation is coming a long way. The new innovations... wow!

Song of the Month.  Busta Rhymes and  Q-Tip "Don't Go"

I think I like this song because it is calm. And they are not mumbling. I think I am getting old. And Busta and Q-Tip are my age. Busta is 48 and Q-Tip is 50. So I just think we are all in the same age group and they are making something I like, lol.

I must say... I don't really listen to as much music as I use to. Sigh. I like older music. I can't tell you what the hot 2020 songs right now. Nor do I care. 

That is all for now. I promised myself that I would write for at least 30 minutes a day, just to have a record of my thoughts and issues faced this year. I can do that, can't I?  I know it would turn into me needing a good hour or two a day to lay out the good and bad of the year. But it has all been on my mind... 

This covid season has been... whew! 

Have a good Monday... and a good final week of the year... 

On purpose. 

Merry Christmas 2020

 

Who would've known that this Christmas would be so full of pandemic and uncertainty?  

Yet here we stand. 

So keep standing. And enjoy the day.

Merry Christmas! 

Rest in Peace John "Ecstacy" Fletcher

Ecstasy of the rap group Whodini has died.

No cause of death was disclosed. Man, it is sad. Whodini was one my favorite rap groups. And they were a group playing at the first concert I attended back in 1983. Favorite songs... so many, but my favorites were "One Love" and "Big Mouth"

Ten Tuesday Thoughts

 Aha! I am back.  With some thoughts. Hell, I probably have enough material for 100 Tuesday thoughts. 

But I will keep it at 10. 

1. The whole blogger publishing format has changed, and I had been waiting for others to complain about it and for all the bugs to be straightened out. I couldn't load up pics or anything. So I THINK it is straightened out. Not sure.

2. I do a lot of writing right now, so I'm not really interested in blogging anyway. 

3. But I do like the extra personal writing here, and the pictures. So I may continue as long as they don't keep screwing with the formats.

4. And I don't want to too much write about the pandemic. So depressing.

5. I don't really even want to write much about the presidential election. So depressing. 

6. But on the real... we have a new president. GLORY.

7.  That is... pending that the current coup setup doesn't work. You never know. I am staying in the house behind clothes doors, and watching out the window like Pearl from 227. 

8.  I have been working from home for nine months. Sigh. I am in the acceptance stage now. 

9. Not happy about the weight gain. I am not as active, and I am SLOW. Ugh

10. Taking into account what is going on in the world, those are high class problems. They can be solved. 

There we go!  I think it worked. I was able to load up pictures and all seems to have gone nicely. Oh joy!! 

Back in action. 

On purpose.