Sunday Food for Thought: "What Are You Afraid Of?"

This here is a looooooonnnng post... I do that on purpose when I am pouring out my heart on paper...

Okay, I need the weekend OFF when it comes to posting.

This is a particularly quiet weekend. I am happy for that, as the next 2 weekends are probably all booked up. So this weekend of solitude was very well appreciated.

I thought I'd do a more self-reflective post today, just pondering what's currently on my mind.

Yesterday morning I woke up pretty early, around 4 a.m. This happens from time to time. I think it's because I am so frickin' HAPPY I don't have to go to work that, well, I just get up early.
I keep my current books of interest on the bed, one of them being a devotional book that Serenity and I are reading together. There are 80 small chapters in this book, and I wholly expect Serenity to generate some really poignant posts from them. I moreso journal my thoughts to myself, or express them to her in our daily email thoughts on the selection.

Anyway, yesterday's reading stung a bit. I usually read around the time I get up, then spend a little time pondering what it means to my life and/or how I can incorporate it to help correct any of my isshas. I may spend time journalling about it in my personal tomes. Yesterday's devotional was about overcoming your fears with faith. Very interesting. I was very much enlightened by the author's suggestion to go ahead and "Do it afraid", i.e., if you are afraid of something or have fears, just go ahead on and step out there and do it. I find that this makes much sense because I can tell you that when I proverbially hold my breath and take the plunge, things are NEVER as bad as I feared them to be... to the point where I've asked myself many a time..."Why didn't I just go ahead on and tackle that thing in the first place?"


But sometimes things aren't so easy. It's hard to penpoint fears. I mean, for me, I have to look at my actions and make the judgment. You will NEVER hear me verballizing too much what I'm afraid of. I'm more busy trying to capture those thoughts and counquer those things. Quietly, to myself.

And sometimes, well, I just can't verbalize those things. They are new and fresh in my mind. Or the hold of them on my mind is so strong that I just don't know how to deal with them.

Anyway, Serenity sent me a text message. Usually she asks if I did my reading and/or am I ready to discuss.

But Saturday morning she sent a most pointed question.

"What are u afraid of?"

It made me a bit misty-eyed, because I'd been pondering the question all morning... while I was washing clothes, while I was listening to music.

I played it off, sent her a text back:

"What am I afraid of? Are u joshing or are u serious?"

She replied that it related to our reading. So I knew she was for real.

I texted back that it was eery that she would ask such a question, as I had been really pondering all morning.

And I am glad that I did, because it is important to pause and do some honest self-assessment on a regular basis.

I am not afraid of what people think I am (or should) be afraid of.

I have a very serious chronic illness. However, I don't have any fears because of it. I don't ponder death or dying from it. I pause whenever someone dies from it. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But I hit my personal "play" button and keep going, even if it is heavy on my mind. If it's personally affecting me, I will take time to myself and get myself together. I go on working, playing and living. Period. This thing is with me 24 hours a day. Doesn't mean I have to let it debilitate my emotions.

I am so very proud of myself and how far I've come. I have a life that I pretty much like, and I've increased year after year after year. I can not sit here and be down about and afraid of an illness.

I am not afraid of being alone. No, I don't have a man right now. I am not even sure I want to be in a relatonship. Sure, I as a woman like male companionship, but I have been in quite a few relationships over the years, and I've also been in a marriage that failed. I like my life as quiet as possible, and let's just say I REALLY examine the long term consequences of getting into stuff. I REALLY examine my motives, and my motives aren't usually that great... and that's not being that fair to myself or to the dude. Period.

I was telling someone a while back, you know, if I am with someone, and I'm not increasing as a person, and vice-versa, well, honestly, I don't even know what the point is. I am too old for problems, and I am too old to be a problem for someone else.

So, let's just say, the single-black-woman desperation complex does not reside in the House of LadyLee. I can't even stand to be around women who wail about wanting a man (And ya'll know what I mean... from a standpoint where it's NOT a healthy feeling... I think we all as women have this need, but when it's just plain desperate, where any ol' man will do, as long as it's a man... I can't stand that one bit). That is asking for trouble.

So, I'm not afraid of what one would think I would or should be afraid of.

But I don't believe that there is anyone walking this earth NOT dealing with lingering fears, or things that they have been trying to deal with within their own hearts. Things that we think, if only I could get past this things, life would be so much fuller and free-er. (Is that a word?) Things that lay just beneath our skin, but we don't discuss with people.

Of course, there are things that have my heart agitated. They are where my fears are rooted. They are things that, some fresh, laying just beneath my skin, some deeply rooted in my heart- that I spend much time thinking about...

Things that I spend much time praying about. (As that's the only way to get past it all).

So, what am I, the Superwoman LadyLee, afraid of.

1. Confrontation. I don't like confrontation at all. You will NEVER have to worry about me running up to you about anything. You'll never have to worry about me speaking my mind, saying...

"You really hurt me."

It ain't gonna happen. I figure you know what you did, you have your reward. I tell you one thing, you just gave yourself free access out of my life. Oh, I'm polite, whatever. But you don't access to who I am... My courts aren't accessible.

This has always been a problem with me. I've been terribly punished all my life, as a child and as an adult, for even having an opinion about anything. So it is VERY rare for me to give my opinion on anything.

I've learned that it is wrong for me to have an opinion. So, I keep it to myself.

It's kind of like right after Celie gave birth to her baby girl Olivia in the beginning of The Color Purple, and her Pa took the baby from her arms and turned around before leaving and said...

"You better tell nobody but God."

That's how I feel about my thoughts and opinions. (God must be like, "Oh here she come and she go with all that talking!)

People see me as a wealth of knowledge, though... Which I find quite interesting. And some of them will tell you, to get an opinion on their situation out of me is like pulling teeth with a rusted busted set of tweezers. If you want it, you gotta work for it. You might have to snap on me, whatever.... If you want it bad enough, you have to dig in and work for it.

Blogging is different. I tend to express myself up in the House of LadyLee from time to time, when I am not doing the hard smurf running man. (Serenity holds me to a food for thought quota. If I don't post something thought provoking, that chicken starts squawking and pecking me with her beak). I don't know many of ya'll. People at work read here, but so what. They got a problem with it, then they can go jump in the lake. It's my space. 99.9% of what I write is for me. I have things set up here where I can hit a category and just go read some things, some real longwinded-ness, to give me hope and lift up my countenance, and get my head straight... That's the way it is. That's probably why the blog hasn't disappeared. This here thing is for me, then for you all, lol.

I don't like arguing with people. That is unnecessary confrontation. Especially if it is over ideals. One thing I've observed: people who like to debate and argue too much may not even believe what they are talking about. They just want to be validated.

And you know how I feel about validation. We getting over into some self-esteem and self-worth madness. I can't deal with that. I'm working on my ownself.

For me to get into arguments and debates, it has to be like an afro getting some afro sheen: I better come away with something added to my knowledge and something that is going to help me be a better person. Period.

Convoluted? Probably so. But that's the way I feel about things. And I usually run a course directly opposite to society's way of thinking.

And to this day, if I express my feelings too much, it is because you keep messing with me. Leave me be, it's all good... but you gotta keep pushing on me. Then a blow up happens, it all comes out, and I get dissed.

I don't like going through that. Easier to be quiet and go on about my business in the first place.

My passive aggressiveness runs deep like the ocean. Real deep.

2. Stagnation. I have a fear of being stagnant. This is totally unfounded. But I do realize that it comes from a place of not liking where you are in life.

You know how folks use to say, when they see you crossing your eyes, "Don't cross your eyes, because they will get stuck like that."

It's sort of like that for me. Not my outside social life, as that is constantly moving and changing and very much fulfilling.

Moreso like with my job. I am terribly stagnant when it comes to my job.

This has come out on blog, as I've quite a few rants here. I am a bit apprehensive about ditching it because I make very good money. I make more money per year than was my lifetime goal to make, really. I don't have to dress up for work. Thank goodness for that.

But I am going through the aforementioned "cross-eyed phenomenon": thinking about what will happen if I get "stuck" like this. Ugh, what a dreadful thing.

On October 25th of this year, at 9:58 p.m., I was laying in bed, and I began to weep a little... and say...

"Oh God, I REALLY hate my job. I mean I really HATE that place."

I remember the time and date. That's because, for whatever reason, I got up and got my journal, and spent a good bit of time writing it down. The thing had just become painful. I'd been dealing with my boss acting a complete ASS. There's some other stuff going on. I was hurt behind that. I don't like watching my back or what I do. I was having a hard time keeping up. Just disappointed in stuff overall. My poor immunologist has had to put on her psychiartrist and therapist hat, and has had to really work hard with me to get myself together mentally. (She cannot have me all stressed out cuz it will make me sick, she hollers a bit too loudly). She's really worked with me on improving the way I do things, and I am incredibly thankful for that. I have a long way to go, but I am doing good on my own terms. (I've learned real quick it's impossible to satisfy people, might as well be satisfied with myself and my own work).

There's so much work that my days go by in a blink of an eye, but I have to work very hard on just keeping my concentration while watching my back. The place is so laden with depression and rebellion and bad morale, that honestly, I don't know how I've dealt this long. But I find myself having to really concentrate on mentally just... dealing. Just being able to... stand.

That's a mouthful, I know. But it's always on my mind. And for some odd reason, I made sure to get up out of bed, go find a pen and paper, and write it all down, date and time and all.

Why? Because of one simple principle:

Pain is the birthplace of change.

That's a bit heavy. I'll let you ponder that for awhile. But you know it's true.

I don't know what I will change. All I know is that I went and wrote some things down through my tears. I prayed and went to bed, and actually slept real good considering the little crying fit.

Those are the two things that are spread with fear in my life. I have to combat those things with faith. That will take a lot of work. I am the type of person where, okay, there's a problem, and I ain't gonna wail about it too tough. I don't like that it's clouding my mind. I need to start pondering and chewing on the solution... start praying the solution to the problem. PERIOD.

I think we read in our devotional a few days ago that it is critically important to capture and conquer bad thoughts before they have chance to take root and cause problems. I am working hard on this. And we learned through our Sunday reading today that you know, sometimes you gotta stop trying to work things out with your logic and rely on God's grace, i.e., give God permission to work things out for you.

I am working on that, too... It is a huge goal of mine to let my isshas go.

One of the most wonderful things that happened in October was my standing at the sink washing dishes and talking to my BFF LadyTee on the my cell phone, which I had propped up the window, set on speaker. It was pouring down raining, dreary as all get out outside. I was a little miffed because I had a doctor's appointment and I had to drive for a good hour in all that mess. But I was doing a little cleaning before I left, and I expressed to her some things that were going on and how I was very hurt over it all. I know she had to raise an eyebrow to herself because it is very rare for me to express my feelings. (She's had to deal with my ways since our preteen years, some 30 long years). But it felt good to just get it out, not for anyone to agree or anything, but for me to just express the pain I was feeling.

That is a birthplace for change in it's own right...

The devotional had a solution to the problem, and it went far past "just operate in faith".

Just do it afraid. Do the darn thing in the midst of being fearful...

That is a short sentence, but quite profound.

For how else are we going to overcome our fears...

You all have a good Sunday... and a good week.

On purpose.