Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Mayor of my Hood, Part I: SNAKE

From what I hear, every 'hood supposedly has a Mayor, i.e., one who knows all of the neighborhood gossip, illegal activity, etc.

The Mayor of my 'Hood is a crackhead known as SNAKE...




Snake is the Ultimate Hustler. He is quite industrious, he is! The owner of a vacant rundown house down the street from me, next door to my friend and coworker The Infamous Hen-Dog's crib, left the water service on (how stupid!). So Snake, being the crafty hustler that he is, has been operating a rather lucrative full service car wash corporation from that house for several months.


He even gets locked up periodically for operating a business without a license... So you know he is doing good.


I remember the day that I first saw Snake operate in his full capacity as the Mayor of my hood.

It was a bright and sunny day, and I was sitting on the rock retainer wall in front of Hen-Dog's house with our neighbor Kim, going over some details in my manuscript, when a skanky looking prostitute name Clara walked down the cross street next to my street. She had, um, a few choice words for Snake...

"Snake, you "mother*****", I don't appreciate you brangin' no johns over to my man's house."

Snake, who was washing a car at the time, looked her way. "Clara, don't act like you ain't no hoe! I was just trying to make sure you got some business. I was trying to help you out, with your stupid ass."

Snake was loud, but calm... They fussed a little more. Snake went back to concentrating on the cars he was washing, and talking to a customer sitting in one of the many chairs that were in the driveway of the vacant house. Kim and I went back to reviewing a chapter of my manuscript.

"Snake, you a no good disrespectful mother******," the highly perturbed trick yelled. "Don't you EVER disrespect me and my man like that, you hear me mother******??!! You ain't right.You ain't no damn good! "

Snake threw down the waterhose and stomped down the street towards the pissed off prostitute. It kind of reminded me of that scene in the very beginning of Menace II Society, where Larenz Tate's character Mad Dog threw down his change and shot the Asian store owners... I have to admit that I was quite terrified, because it looked as if a serious ass-whooping was about to take place.

I know one thing... I heard some highly creative cuss words that day that I'd never heard before. Apparently my neighbor Kim was use to such behavior, because she sat there next to me and continued sipping beer from a wine glass, as was her usual habit.

Poor Clara retreated, needless to say... I have never seen anyone get embarassed and cussed out like that! After such a harsh tongue lashing, she scurried her behind right on up the street.

Snake turned to me, grabbed my hand in a hearty handshake, and said,

"Welcome to the Hood!"

Snake then apologized for his bad behavior, but Clara was insulting his character and integrity.

"LadyLee, I'm sorry, but that bitch had the nerve to insult my character and integrity, and I can't have that. She know she a hoe, and I was trying to bring her a customer. She know she need the money. Damn, I try so hard to assist the people of this neighborhood..."

Hmm... Character and Integrity... Assisting the people of the neighborhood.

*Crickets*

I got a hard and complicated lecture on character and integrity that day, and I get the same lecture every week... I just stand there like a deer in the headlights, and listen to him drop such complicated knowledge.

I'm not sure if I will EVER understand the intricate and complicated details of hood politics...

But Mayor Snake does an excellent job of keeping my car washed and my leaves raked... for a small fee of course...

Then he disappears down the street to get a good hit, I suppose...

All I gotta say is... SNAKE is one heck of a Mayor!

Yes Indeed!





16 comments:

  1. In just one simple post, you have captured what I miss most about growing up in the hood...hanging out on the street with friends and neighbors, knowing everybody on the block (and I mean everybody), and being able to purchase goods and services without going anywhere near a mall...In the words of Toni, Tony, Tone or Edith and Archie Bunker depending on your flavor, "Those Were The Days"!

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  2. That was hilarious to read! Too funny!

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  3. This was soooo funny. How is he gonna tell that lady to her face that she is a hoe and she know it? I would have fallen off the porch if I heard that. And how in the world did he know the person left their water on? Was he checking to see? He is too much.

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  4. girl, this post is off the chain! LMAO! i need to come to your hood and sit on the porch with you guys so I can be entertained. that scene could have been a real life movie!

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  5. This is tooooo funny! Girl, that's the hood for you, entertainment at it's best! LOL

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  6. I would watch that reality show over any that the networks run, so bring the "Hood" to TV affilates and cash in, LMAO

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  7. you sure know how to tell a story. i loved it! i felt like i was sitting across from you, watching it go down between snake and the prostitute.

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  8. @Sharon... yeah "Those were the days"; and it kind of reminds me of growing up in the hood too!

    @BBall Mama... Hilarious to read? Heck, it was hilarious to watch!!! (of course, after it was all over, and once I realized that guns and knives wouldn't be pulled!!!) LOL

    @S23...Because she was one of the neighborhood tricks... And she had some very valid points on respect and courtesy (imagine that!!)... He knew the water was on, because everybody picked that house clean when it was left unattended for too long...

    @incognito... Girl, just sitting on Hen-Dog's porch for an hour affords enough material for a good drama... I live a little further up the street... not as lively up my way!

    @Kayla and Sneaker King... that was a little TOO MUCH entertainment for me... live and in person!!

    @ ATLien Nikki...That was probably my most vivid episode in the hood thus far... the personal apology to me from Snake and the character and integrity took the cake... I almost have a certain amount of "respect" for Oldboy!

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  9. crackheads and hoes arguing

    common

    but still priceless!

    Man oh man...i wish i coulda been there!

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  10. You got me all up in the MLS listings to get s apot like yours.

    I could throw away my TiVo and just relax in the next episode from your front porch.

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  11. damn snake is something else...u r too funny tho...like the blog

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  12. @ DJ & Hassan... Yeah, this beats TiVo ANY day!!!

    @Yazmar... Ha! Glad you like, and thanks for stopping by!

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  13. Personally, I like Snake so far. Funny pics, though. He looks a lot happier than most people I know, at least.

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  14. Man this was some funny stuff. Now I want to find out who is the mayor of my hood.

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  15. And they say I'm funny!!!!

    Don't mind me I'm just chking in and catching up:)

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  16. @jaimie... yeah, Snake seems to be pretty content with life!

    @ruben... Just go search for that crackhead that seems to be into everything and know everybody's business, and you've found him!

    @Dee-Dee... where you been, Ma? Get that doggone computer fixed!

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Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!