The Mayor of my Hood, Part I: SNAKE

From what I hear, every 'hood supposedly has a Mayor, i.e., one who knows all of the neighborhood gossip, illegal activity, etc.

The Mayor of my 'Hood is a crackhead known as SNAKE...

Snake is the Ultimate Hustler. He is quite industrious, he is! The owner of a vacant rundown house down the street from me, next door to my friend and coworker The Infamous Hen-Dog's crib, left the water service on (how stupid!). So Snake, being the crafty hustler that he is, has been operating a rather lucrative full service car wash corporation from that house for several months.

He even gets locked up periodically for operating a business without a license... So you know he is doing good.

I remember the day that I first saw Snake operate in his full capacity as the Mayor of my hood.

It was a bright and sunny day, and I was sitting on the rock retainer wall in front of Hen-Dog's house with our neighbor Kim, going over some details in my manuscript, when a skanky looking prostitute name Clara walked down the cross street next to my street. She had, um, a few choice words for Snake...

"Snake, you "mother*****", I don't appreciate you brangin' no johns over to my man's house."

Snake, who was washing a car at the time, looked her way. "Clara, don't act like you ain't no hoe! I was just trying to make sure you got some business. I was trying to help you out, with your stupid ass."

Snake was loud, but calm... They fussed a little more. Snake went back to concentrating on the cars he was washing, and talking to a customer sitting in one of the many chairs that were in the driveway of the vacant house. Kim and I went back to reviewing a chapter of my manuscript.

"Snake, you a no good disrespectful mother******," the highly perturbed trick yelled. "Don't you EVER disrespect me and my man like that, you hear me mother******??!! You ain't right.You ain't no damn good! "

Snake threw down the waterhose and stomped down the street towards the pissed off prostitute. It kind of reminded me of that scene in the very beginning of Menace II Society, where Larenz Tate's character Mad Dog threw down his change and shot the Asian store owners... I have to admit that I was quite terrified, because it looked as if a serious ass-whooping was about to take place.

I know one thing... I heard some highly creative cuss words that day that I'd never heard before. Apparently my neighbor Kim was use to such behavior, because she sat there next to me and continued sipping beer from a wine glass, as was her usual habit.

Poor Clara retreated, needless to say... I have never seen anyone get embarassed and cussed out like that! After such a harsh tongue lashing, she scurried her behind right on up the street.

Snake turned to me, grabbed my hand in a hearty handshake, and said,

"Welcome to the Hood!"

Snake then apologized for his bad behavior, but Clara was insulting his character and integrity.

"LadyLee, I'm sorry, but that bitch had the nerve to insult my character and integrity, and I can't have that. She know she a hoe, and I was trying to bring her a customer. She know she need the money. Damn, I try so hard to assist the people of this neighborhood..."

Hmm... Character and Integrity... Assisting the people of the neighborhood.

*Crickets*

I got a hard and complicated lecture on character and integrity that day, and I get the same lecture every week... I just stand there like a deer in the headlights, and listen to him drop such complicated knowledge.

I'm not sure if I will EVER understand the intricate and complicated details of hood politics...

But Mayor Snake does an excellent job of keeping my car washed and my leaves raked... for a small fee of course...

Then he disappears down the street to get a good hit, I suppose...

All I gotta say is... SNAKE is one heck of a Mayor!

Yes Indeed!