Happy Birthday, Queen!

*LadyLee stands up, and bows so hard that her lips kiss the ground*

I would like to wish Your Highness, the Queen, a Happy Happy Birthday!!!

*LadyLee falls prostrate to the ground*

No, not THAT Queen. Not the Queen of England.

I'm talking about the Queen of Lurk City, the main lurker on my blog, Miss Celie, Tayari Jones!!!!!


Happy Birthday Tayari!!!

Now, I'll keep this brief, as there are Tayari shrines scattered all throughout the House of LadyLee...

Miss Celie turns 38 today.

Miss Celie, I want you to know, that I have been 38 for 9 months... and honey, 38 is GREAT!!

Miss Celie got a REALLY nice birthday present, early no less. She was laying in bed, minding her own bizness, when she got a phone call with some really good news. But she had to keep it to herself until it was officially announced.

You know me... I tried to pry it out of her.

"Lee, something great happened!"
"What is it, Celie?"
"Can't tell you, Lee."
"Why?"
"They say we can't tell"
"You can tell me. I'm your number one fan!"
"NO."
"Come on, Miss Celie."
"No, you'll have to wait for the press release."
"Just tell me, girl! I won't tell nobody!"
"No."
"Come on, girl!
"NO!"

*Lee proceeds to have temper tantrum. Miss Celie keeps her mouth shut.*

Well, that Botanical Chick, Carleen Brice, hipped me to a press release. Turns out Miss Celie was chosen as one of 2008 United States Artist.

Now she coulda told me. I don't know what the hell that is. If it ain't science related, I don't know what's going on. She KNOW that.

HUMPH.

The interesting thing about the United States Artist prize: (I'm sure she gets a nice lovely plaque, with her name incscribed lovingly in gold).

It comes with a $50,000.00 unrestricted grant.

That's cash money ya'll... And "unrestricted" means she can smoke it up if she want to, i.e., do whatever the heck she wants to do with it.

Now if THAT ain't a good birthday gift, I don't know what is.

I might tare something UP if I come across that much bread.

Really though.

Now, I sent her a couple of small gifts. Nothing matches that type of bread, but you KNOW the #1 fan had to send her something.

Of course I sent her a card. (Don't know if she even got it yet...WHATEVER! I am posting it anyway.

I also sent her a couple of personalized journals, modeled here by my work group Super Hero, The Infamous Hen-Dog.




(Uh, these pictures were in exchange for the boy asking me to babysit his baby girl Chayse (see last two posts). I tried to get him to take the shirt off, but he was hollering about he had to go get shaved up. HUMPH).

Yeah, Lee know how to pimp a dude. LOL!!!

Anyway, I sent some little post it notes and pads with a "T" monogram.

Hope you like that, gal!!

(I almost sent you a homemade Obama Church fan, but I decided against that, lol).

Anyway, I want to wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I am the #1 fan... And when Ol' Tayari blows up, I'll be standing there yelling

"I TOLD YA'LL. She the MAN!!"

I've been trying to call you on your house phone, Girl!! I know I'm a groupie, but you better pick up! (Or at least clean up your voice mail! GEEZ.)

So, you know, we should eat... You know how I do.

But, I know we're all still stuffed from Thanksgiving dinners.

(In other words, you negroes better eat before you show your face up in the House of LadyLee).

So we will do this like the Queen of England would do it... all civilized like.

We're just gonna have an "Afternoon Tea"... LadyLee style.

We're having a little coffee...

And I sip on that good stuff, the $26 per pound Hawaiian Kona blend and Kenyan Special Roast. (The rest of ya'll will get the Tasters Choice instant that I got on sale.)

We're having a nice homemade sweet potato cheesecake...




Yeah, that's what's hot!

Tayari, year 37 was a good year for you. That trip to Ghana this month, shoot, I know that made your whole year! And you're off to Uganda at the beginning of the year.

Oh the stories you will tell!

And I hope your next novel, The Silver Girl, will be out!

Yep, year 38 is going to be truly great!

So Tayari, don't know what you're getting into today, but it is your day!

Make it a good one!

And oh yeah, Tayari has the running list of people in her blog family who publish stories, win awards, publish novels and what-not.

I have alerted her to a couple of scientific publications I've had this year, but of course, it ain't enough. It has to be LITERARY related.

HUMPH.

I'm going to make the list during YOUR 38th year, Miss Celie! Watch! I'm going to publish a story, and you'll be the first one to know.

*Lee jumps from seat and pump fist in the air*

Yeah... really though.

Happy birthday, Honey Chile!!

From your number one fan for life, That Oldgirl LadyLee.

Babysitting Blues, PART II: "The Queen of the Collard Greens"

Warning: If I babysit your beloved child, I will put your beloved child to WORK.

Case in point: Hen-Dog and Cynt's baby girl.

She already KNOWS she gonna work when she step into the House of LadyLee.

Best of all, she works with a smile. A BIG SMILE.



I told her, "Chayse, today, this very day... You ARE the Queen of the Collard Greens.

Yes, she was happy for that coveted titled.

We stood her little tail in a chair, threw the greens in the sink, and commanded her to get busy plucking the greens from the big center stem!

I stood there hollering "Go girl! Go girl! Go, Go, Go girl! "

And she was doing a GOOD job.

Next time, I'm going to buy a couple of those big red buckets of chitlins and let her clean them.

She also prepared the cornbread. Kentucky measured out the ingredients. We placed everything on the dining room table, steadied the little gal on a stool, and let her do the darn thing!

(Sidenote: Cynt, you are CRAZY for doing that girl's hair in all those little plaits. NO ONE has that much time on their hands.)

She made 4 round glass pie dishes of cornbread.



I complained about this. "Kentucky, ya'll coulda just used the big rectangular baking pan, and-"

Kentucky shook her head slowly, gave me a slight evil eye. "She's busy. We're just keeping her busy. Busy, busy, busy."

(Kentucky is getting a masters in childhood education. This is the age group she's been teaching as of late. I just decided to chill and let them make multiple pans of cornbread.)

One thing that had us all looking crazy... When Chayse sprays a pan with PAM cooking spray, she tries to empty the whole doggone can or something.

You see how cloudy that picture is? That's the spray flying all over the place.

Shoot man... even my glasses were all misted with Pam Cooking spray.

Once I realized that I was getting all greasy, I yelled "STOPPPPPPP, GUUUURLLLL!! STOP!"

*Chayse looks at LadyLee like she has lost her mind*

I followed that up by quietly instructing Kentucky to spray the pans. PAM is expensive. No need to get THAT happy with it. HUMPH.

All in all, it was a decent day. The girl was gone 3 hours before I would call DFACS to come and get her.

I can't wait for this child to be old enough to drive. I'm gonna run her ragged.

Until then... Chayse will have to come back and clean some red buckets of chitlins for us real soon:)

"Babysiting Blues"

I am OFF today...

The present status at my house.

A bit of background for you.

So...

On Tuesday, Hen-Dog asked if I could keep Chayse (who has somehow morphed into the House of LadyLee mascot as of late) ...

I gave him the blank *crickets* stare.

"I'm off on Wednesday, Hen."

He gave me the long puppy-dog face.

Well, I planned on staying home all day on Wednesday.

And since I am OFF (GLORY!)....

I decided to do this small bit of charitable work for our group superhero, Hen-Dog, and the meanest woman on the planet, Chayse's Mama, Ol'Mean Ass Cynthia.

Then there was all this discussion of what to feed her and the type of games to play. (THEY were trying to discuss this with me. I wasn't asking any questions concerning this).

*blank stare*

"Yo, I'ma sleep all day. Chayse better work it out. And ya'll better feed her before she come over, or send some food! She'll be on the floor with Kramer eating Science Diet Kibble and milk."

Now, I could tell they were concerned. They both had that slightly wide-eyed look.

"We're gonna play games, alright," I added. "Games called 'Be Quiet' or 'Stare at the Wall'".

Later in the day, a box of cereal appeared in my cubicle. Cynt slid a box of Cheezits on my desk. Some type of activities coloring book magically appeared also.

It's interesting what parents do when they are uh, "concerned".

Since I appeared to be "agreeable" to keeping the child, Cynt decided she wanted to get bold and make "suggestion".

"Lee, she wants to make hand turkeys."

I frowned. This did NOT sound good. "What the heck is a hand turkey????" I asked.

"You can get the sugar cookie dough at the grocery store, the dough that's already made. Then you let her trace her hand on the dough." She raised her hand in the air and made an attempt to demonstrate. By this time, Hen-Dog had walked up. "Bake them in the oven, and decorate them."

I just stared at them both.

"And don't forget to get the different color icing so she can decorate them."

I gave them both the Celie crooked 2 fanger point.

"Ya'll better pick the girl up before the sun go down. If not, you can pick her up downtown at DFACS."

They both gave me the wide-eyed stare.

Especially after I repeated my DFACS threats several times that day.

(And I wasn't kidding about that.)

Well, Chayse was dropped off at 7:30 a.m. I happened to wake up at 3:30 a.m. I tend to do this because I am so giddy about being OFF from work. So I was wide awake at that time, had cleaned the kitchen and washed and folded clothes..

Her cat, my "permanent visitor" Kramer, was VERY happy to see her. He knew that her presence meant that he would be getting something he doesn't normally get around these parts: ATTENTION!

I've never seen that cat THAT giddy at that time of morning. He's usually somewhere sleeping, and had been giving me the evil eye all morning everytime I turned a light on.

They both appear to be content, so I guess I am doing a decent job.



So it hasn't been that bad. The child can read really well, which is shocking. I guess they start reading pretty early. And Nickelodeon... after a couple of hours, I had to turn to The People's Court because the kids shows were driving me batty!

(And someone needs to teach this kid how to play cards. She keeps looking at mine. She can get hurt for that. I am TRYING to explain the concept to her! And I am whooping her tail in these Dora Dominoes. Hope she don't start crying, or she has to get out of here.)

She keeps walking this cat all over the place. He is looking to me for help. I am not helping him. He's the babysitter now.

So, I will relax and look after the baby all day.

Now my DFACS threats stand.

First of all, Hen and Cynt, I have 2 samples on instrument #8. Please pull those. My worksheets are on my desk. Fill those out PROPERLY. Log them out (be expedient about that please). If the boss calls me at home concerning this, I will not hesitate to open my Book of Cuss on her...

And then open the same Good book of Cuss on the two of you.

Remember, I am holding your child hostage keeping your child today.

And please pick up the baby before sundown. If you don't, you can pick her up downtown at DFACS.

Have a nice day:)

Monday Morning Ramblings

Good Monday Merning!!!

The current temperature in the ATL is 46 degrees. It is cloudy and rainy, but that's a WHOLE lot better than 34 degrees and windy.

I am looking forward to this week.

Why?

Because this is a 2 day work week for me.

I am OFF on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!

One word.

GLORY!!!

And I plan for it to be a quiet 2 day work week. I am on my boss' bad side right now, which is a good thing. This means she won't be harassing me. Gotta get on her bad side more often (well, not during review time).

This morning, the new specialist in our group, a particularly amusing Asian fellow who absolutely cracks me up (I get a nice fist bump everyday) and I have been pontificating over the details of this particular compound.

He is doing a bit of wailing and hollering about it. He knows my area of expertise now, so dude be on me. I haven't discussed hardcore chemistry in a mighty, mighty long time, ya'll. And dude brings it hard. Goodness.

I told him my thoughts of the difficulties of it (it's one of a whole family and is gonna act up)...

I then patted him on the shoulder, spoke a word of encouragement, and BACKED SLOWLY OUT OF THE ROOM.

I want no parts of that analysis. I found a couple of articles online and gave them to him. I will check on him periodically, have a couple of high post convos and all...

But honey chile, this a two day workweek. I ain't thinking too hard this week!

Unh-unh! Heck no, buddy! My mind is on vacation, and vacation is on my mind.

Shawty better work it out somehow!

Really though.

My weekend. My weekend was a good one, with the highlight being breakfast on Saturday morning with my journal writing group. Our last meeting was in September, so it has been awhile since we all have seen each other.

My group leader did something very interesting: She each asked us to tell each woman there what we thought of them and what they meant to our lives.

Let's just say... tears and snot was everywhere!

Shoot, I even had to break out my Obama Church fan.

It's all interesting because we know each others deepest issues and nuances. I often think of these women, and pray for these women.

And it ALWAYS stops me cold when someone thinks highly of me AND expresses it to me. I guess that it is because I don't expect it, nor do I do the things I do for any praise or anything.

I've been apart of the group for 3 years, and it has made a big difference in my life. I have somewhere that I can openly express my concerns, thoughts, fears... whatever WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

That's what I love about that group.

There are no more than a good 10 of us, but there is a lot of strength in 10 hearts.

My best friend always says that God really thought of her and really loves her because He made me her best friend.

I can say the same about this group. God really loves me and thinks much of me because he hooked me up with this strong group of women.

Alright... let me stop, before I have to find a tissue and my church fan.

Plans for Thanksgiving. I'm not hanging with my family. It's just too much mess and I have to REALLY watch what I do and say. Milk and Cookies is in town, home on military leave from Virginia, and having some big function for his friends at our mother's house.

My sister Kentucky is cooking at my house, and taking everything over to Grandma's house. Kentucky got mad last year because neither she or I cooked, and she didn't have leftovers the next day. So she decided she's going to cook up a meal. Grandma is not going anywhere, so they are going to hang out together. Kentucky is a serious planner, and she yapped much about writing out her recipes (*Ladylee kicks the hard eyeroll*).

I am not sure what Auntie Joyce is doing. I think she may head over to Grandma's house.

Ya'll have fun, and I may stop by.

That leaves me. I am, first of all, just glad to be OFF. But, I am heading over to LadyTee's house. We were arguing last night about what she wants me to bring over. Last week, she wanted me to bring a pie and drinks. Now, she wants me to bring Mac-and-cheese and drinks. So I can handle that.

I hope it's not a replay of last year. I went over to LadyTee's house. I wasn't hungry, just trying to get out of the house. I was camped out in the den in a lounger, watching a good movie and crocheting up a storm.

Bobbie Jean (LadyTee's Mama): "Get in here and eat."
LadyLee: "I ain't hungry".
Bobbie Jean: "Well eat any damn way!"

I thought I was going to get knocked upside the head or something. But she left me alone, and wrapped a nice plate up for me. (Whew).

We will do the same things we do every Thanksgiving... sit back and relax and chill. Period. I have MUCH crocheting to knock out (as usual... LBeezy: square count 405). LadyTee and her fam keep their house HOT, so I better make sure to pack a pair of shorts and a tank top so I won't suffocate up in that camp!

No black Friday for me... I don't get caught up in the shopping frenzy. My Christmas budget is 100 dollars flat, so uh, I will stay home.

But I do plan on purchasing a couple of pairs of sneakers.

Video of the Week. Found an interesting video by Kanye West over on Aunt Jackie's blog this weekend.

Heartless from kwest on Vimeo

Now, for all I know, this could be the most popular song on the planet right now. I don't know, because the only radio I listen to these days is talk radio. But this video reminded me of my favorite animated movie, American Pop. That movie came out in the early 80s, and it is the story of 4 generations of a family and their love for music. My found my favorite part of the movie over on Youtube.



See any similiarities? Hmmm... Wouldn't suprise me of ol' Kanye was watching that movie and got a few ideas.

That's it for me! I have a few more posts planned for this week, and hopefully I will get those up.

Ya'll have a FINE week.

(With it being a 2 day workweek, I KNOW I will!)

LadyLee and The Male Strippers, Part II

for part I, see LadyLee and the Male Strippers, Part I

Well, we were walking down Bourbon street and I was concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other without falling.

Oldboy was pretty helpful, like a good crutch or something.

Then I saw a flashing sign in a window.

MALE DANCERS!

I pointed hard at the place.

"I want to go in there!"

I let go of Oldboy and staggered across the road, bumping into people as I went.

"I want to see the Male Dancers!"

Oldboy shrugged his shoulders. "Okay."

Now, that stopped me cold, and I turned around too fast. Oldboy had to catch me before I hit the ground.

"For real?" I asked.

"Hell yeah," he said. "Come on."

So we walked into this place. It was VERY dark, and some slow bass driven song was blasting from the speakers. There were quite a few men seated at the small tables scattered around the large room. All of them were staring at the dimly lit stage. I was following Oldboy, gripping the tail of his shirt, trying my best not to fall.

But I stopped.

Right in front of the wooden stage. . .

And stared up some woman in a sequined green g-string slung high up on a pole.

"That is NOT a man!" I yelled.

"Girl, come on," Oldboy said. He grabbed my arm.

"They said MALE DANCERS. That is a woman up there!" I yelled.

"The male dancers are in a separate room, in the back looks like," Oldboy said.

I continued to stare at this woman as she scooted higher and higher up what looked to be a ten foot pole. Her g-string was stuffed with a lot of cash. Money fell from her g-string, and floated to the floor like leaves blowing in a breeze.

"Oldboy!" I yelled. "She gonna fall! Oh Lawd, she gonna fall from the pole!"

"No she ain't," he said as he tried to pull me away from the stage. "She know what she's doing."

"You too high up on that pole, girl! You gonna fall down!!!!"

I don't know what my problem was. I fell into a panic or something. This chick was WAY up on that dayum pole and I got scared she was gonna fall and bust her ass and die. I smacked the stage hard with my hand, trying to get her attention.

"Shut up before you get us thrown out of here," Oldboy said. He drag me away from the stage and towards the back of the club. A makeshift black and white sign hung over a door. It was the doorway to another room. It was seperated from the main room by a black curtain.

We went through the curtain and into a room much smaller than the room that we had just left. A gray stage was in one corner of the room. A gleaming silver pole was in the middle of the stage.

A VERY tall skinny white dude with long jet black hair was onstage, dancing and swinging hard around the the pole. If that wasn't bad enough, he was dressed in some leather S&M looking skimpy gear, and he had on a leather police cap.

I stopped and stared. I pointed.

"What the hell is that?!" I yelled.

Some women sitting in the club laughed hard.

"Girl, what is your problem?" Oldboy said.

I have NO idea what song was playing, but it was some Prince song. All I know, dude was swinging on that pole hard. I was trying to leave, but Oldboy grabbed me by both arms and pushed me down into a chair.

A waiter came to our table and said that there was a two drink minimum per person. Oldboy ordered a couple of beers.

Then dancers migrated towards our table. One guy, a white Justin Tim.berlake looking fellow in a pair of green speedos, placed a stool in front of me and got real close to me. He was whispering some ish in my ear. (I was appalled. I have NO idea what he was saying).

I looked him up and down. This was not the Chippenda.le type of dancer I was expecting. Now, my husband Oldboy was a big bulky brother. I could've just taken him home and watched him dance for free instead of paying this slight man.

Oldboy gave him 10 dollars and this guy started to dance. I shrank away as much as I could from this whole scenario. The Just.in dancer was straddling my lap, and took my hand and placed it on his hairy chest.

"Ooooooooh...that's soft," I said.

Oldboy laughed.

This guy continued to dance for another couple of songs. Thank goodness I had on some jeans because there is NO way someone should be all up me like that. UGH.

(But shorty had the soft chest hair. Sigh)

Then, some black guy came over. He was the only black dancer in the room. Skinny as hell. He had on a pair of black spandex speedos and a black cowboy hat. Had the nerve to have on a pair of black cowboy boots with white stitching.

He tipped his hat and smiled. He had the nerve to have a gold grill.

"Howdy," he said. "My name is Ten.nesee Williams."

I fell out laughing.

This dude placed a stool in front of me and proceeded to do a handstand and dance right in front of me. His "package" was all up in my face. I didn't know WHAT to do. I know I was ready to leave. Oldboy had ordered some Crown and coke, and I was sipping on that. So let's just say, I was still inebriated.

Ten.nessee Williams stop the handstand tricks and sat up in my lap.

"Touch me," Ten.nesee Williams said. He smiled, flashing his gold grill again.

"Uh, no," I said.

Tenn.esse Williams began grinding up against me.

"Grab his ass!" Oldboy said.

I looked at Oldboy. "Wh-, what?"

"GRAB HIS ASS!" Oldboy yelled. "This here cost money, girl. You better feel on that man!"

So I palmed this strange man's bony behind.

The women at the next table were laughing a bit too hard at me. My experience was providing much more entertainment for them than whatever was happening on stage.

Ten.nesse Williams was in my lap, grinding away, rubbing his chest up against my own.

Then I saw something I will never forget:

He had a small picture of himself, a woman and a little boy hanging from a black chord around his neck. They were all smiling and dressed alike in black and yellow and red plaid button down shirts and black jeans. The background was the typical blue background of pictures taken at a photography studio.

I held the picture in my hand, peered at closely.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"That's my wife and my son," he answered. He continued dancing, grinding on my lap.

I looked over at Oldboy, who was paying me no attention at all, as he was yacking it up with the waiters. I glanced back at the picture, the three of them smiling, looking like a happy black family.

I then noticed the wedding ring on his finger as he lifted his hand to touch my face.

"Why are you up in a club dancing like this?" I asked. I didn't mean to ask, but when I get liquored up, I get talkative as all get out.

He sat back on my lap and started massaging my shoulders. "Gotta do what I gotta do to take care of my family."

Goodness.

I was not expecting to hear that.

Man. I think I quieted down after that. Ten.nessee Williams continued to dance, flashing his shiny gold grill. That man did some acrobatic craziness I tell you. I was suprised he wasn't off in someone's circus somewhere.

He made his money that night. I think Oldboy gave him 30 bucks.

I think we must've stayed there for an hour. When the black leather clad tall skinny white dude who'd been working the pole when we first got there started harrassing us for a dance, well, that was it for me. I was ready to go. Pronto.

I'd sobered up a little on the walk back to the car (not much). I was shaken up by Ten.nessee Williams. Not him, but by the picture of him and his family.

On our way home, Oldboy, who fancied strip clubs himself, said "That wasn't so bad, was it? Just entertainment. Nothing serious. You seem to have fun."

"How much did that cost?" I asked.

"Around 65 dollars."

"Oh."

I realized the light bill was due, and it was about that much.

A waste of money, if you ask me.

"That dude had a picture of his family around his neck," I said. "That is sad. He out dancing in a damn club, and he got a wife and kid at home."

Oldboy laughed. "All kind of folk strip and dance. You done heard me tell you about the women at my club."

I remember those stories. Stories of women who were working their way through college. Women who had day jobs bus stripped at night and on the weekends for the extra money. Then there were the chicks that had the crack and heroin problems. And Oldboy told me that they had a gril at his club once who was really quiet and a good stripper, gave no trouble at all. Come to find out, when the club was raided, they found out that this woman was a fugitive on the run: there was a warrant out for her... she was wanted for murder.

*crickets*

What a life. I guess you do what you gotta do.

Then there was Ten.nessee Williams, who talked with much pride about his wife, who was a nurse, and his smart little boy.

I must have thought about that for months. Too much for me to deal with.

All I know, that was my first and last stripper experience. I could understand how people liked that "entertainment".

But it ain't for me.

Give me a good book to read, some good crochet yarn, a good movie or a football game.

I'll leave that stripper business to chicks like That Southern Black Gal...