Boy in the Military...

So...

My brother has switched from Army Reserves to Active Duty...

This occurred some three weeks ago, and I decided to wait to blog about it, just to give myself a little distance from his decision. Also, i didn't want to short out my laptop with my crocodile tears! LOL!

And I have to admit, I don't care for that military look. I remember standing next to him last November after his graduation from basic training, looking up at him, staring at him afterwards, not understanding the point of all that damn camoflauge makeup. I remember asking him if I could touch his made-up face, if I could touch his gun... I remember not liking that look, his guns, his flak jacket, his night scope... but I do remember one thing: being incredibly proud of him for completing his basic training.

So one day, a couple of months ago, I am sitting downstairs in my favorite chair, feet up on the ottoman, pecking away on my laptop. He runs downstairs, looking all nervous. I peer at him over my glasses, wondering what he wanted from me. It reminded me of when he was a little boy and he would dance around me as I was sitting at the computer, nervously typing out my dissertation...


"What do you want?"

"We gotta talk."

Lord please don't let this boy tell me that he done went and got some lil' girl pregnant, I thought quietly to myself as I stared hard at him.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I was ready to thoroughly crack him over the head with my laptop.

"I'm going active."

"What?"

"I said, I am going active."

He seem to make sure he wasn't too close to me. It was if he thought that if he had to break out and run from an ass-kicking, he would have at least some type of a head start.

I just looked at him. I didn't whine and cry like I did when he first said that he was going into the army the year before. I just plainly stated the following:

"You do whatever the hell you want to do. Screw it. I am tired. I have done what I could to help you and Kentucky [our sister], and shit, man, I am tired, and I am choosing to emotionally distance myself from this whole mess. All I know is that you better not ever say that I didn't EVER do anything to try and help you. You better not blame this decision on no one else but you. I am tired. I am through."

I went back to typing whatever I was working on. I was a bit mad because I had been pretty much been labeled a villian of late. I was through with it all.


He was taken aback by my answer, standing there rubbing his hands on his shorts.

"Lee, you have done a lot to help us. A whole lot. I have been thinking about this, and it is something I want to do."

"Whatever man. I am through. I am sick of this. Do whatever you want to do. I am through. Leave me alone. I am busy."

We didn't talk much for a few days. I was brooding a bit. It didn't help that I had had a funky run-in with our sister Kentucky about a very touchy issue, and I was in the mood where I pretty much wanted everybody out of my damn house anyway. Let's just say he picked the wrong time to spring such news on me.

He tried to talk with me about it some more. I maintained that I was emotionally disconnecting myself from it all. He is grown. He could do whatever he wanted. I was gonna shift from always thinking of them and I was going to start thinking about me. End of discussion.

I was just mad as hell. I did not want my lil' brother running around Iraq, getting shot at, dealing with suicide bombers, steppind on IEDs, his mind going bad from seeing all kinds of unnecessary ish...

I just thought his life was worth more than that.


I wasn't as distraught as I was when he first went in. I blogged about that awhile back. Seeing him get on that bus to ship out to his basic training... damn, that has to be one of the top ten most terrible feelings I've ever felt in my life.

It took me a very long time to accept the fact that I was not a failure. I thought I had failed him, to the point where he had to go join the military. If only I could have done the right things, made more money... he wouldn't have to make such a decision.

I kind of eventually knew and accepted that it wasn't about me...

It was more of about him doing some things for himself, making his own decisions...

It ain't about him doing what I want him to do, but more about him doing what he has made a decision to do for himself.

I am not sure if that sounds silly or not. But this is the only way that I could mentally deal with him going into the army. This is the only way that I could bring myself to support his decision.

I told him, under no circumstances should he call home whining about he is tired of the army. I told him, if they send his ass to Iraq, he better fight for his life, shoot first, and ask questions later. He needs to do whatever he needs to do to stay alive. Do what he gotta do, and get his butt back over here to the US where he belongs.

It turns out that he had a long talk with my neighbor Stan about it, who eventually convinced me that Kari had been thinking on it for awhile... He needed to make his own decisions, and get away from friends who weren't about anything, etc. I felt a little better after that talk. It helped me get to a point to where I would try to at least be a bit more supportive.... A bit more gleeful about his decision...

He needed to lose 5 pounds to make weight for processing. I did all I could to be supportive of him, like go with him to the track, and follow behind him in my car while he ran from the track all the way home... I made sure to spend as much time as possible with him. The two weeks before he left were a lot of fun...

Usually when he gets ready to go on some military training, I try to take pictures of him. I took pictures this time and then walked away back into the house. He called after me, but I didn't turn back around, just headed up the front steps of my porch and into the house.

I did not want him to see me cry. I must've cried for a good hour.

It hurts whenever he leaves.

We have been in contact, and I can freely pick up my phone and call him on his cell phone. He is stationed in Fort Benning, only a hundred miles away, so he comes home on the weekends. Best of all, he has been assigned to a nondeployable garrison unit. So I am very happy about that.

My biggest thing right now is to do my best to support him. I don't have to agree with him, but I think we can disagree in an agreeable manner...

...And still have love for one another.

So Kari? a.k.a., "Milk and Cookies"...

I hope your army experience is all that you hope for it to be...



Remember that I love you... you are like my child...



Be safe, and take care of yourself out there:)

Love, your big sista

Lisa,

a.k.a., That Oldgirl LadyLee...