Bah Humbug?

Ahhh yes…

‘Tis the holiday season.

Times of peace, love, joy…

Good will towards all men.

I don’t care much for it all, not much at all…

It’s times like these that my neighbors are all full of glee.

Fighting with the crowds over the last of the Christmas bargains...

Geez.

So…

I got a call a couple of weeks ago from my neighbor Tiny, letting me know that he was hanging out in my garage, doing something to his car.

I was like whatever. I would park in the driveway and he would pull my car in the garage when he finished.

I’d worked 12 hours that day, and was a little under the weather, but made it home by seven o’clock that evening. I pulled into my driveway to see my smiling neighbor Stan talking to anoher neighbor who had been apparently out walking her dog. I almost got the notion to drive past my house, because I was exhausted and was in NO mood to lollygag, but I pulled into my driveway anyway.

I figured I’d say a quick hi, and go on in the house.

After I opened my car door, and before my Nike could even hit the ground, Stan ran up to my car.

“Hiya, LadyLee” he yelled.

I just looked at him for a moment. Sometimes he can be as special as Forrest Gump. “Wassup Stan. And Hey, Nancy,” I mumbled.

“I got a question for you,” Stan said. I just looked at him. I want to put a strand of lights on your house.

“Bah Humbug, man,” I grumbled. “Ya’ll know I don’t decorate."

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Just a simple strand of lights on your front rail.”

I wanted no part of this conversation. I got out of the car and opened my back door and grabbed my laptop bag. “Alright, man. Do whatever. Just let me know how much it’ll cost. I’m going in the house.”

“Oh noooo, Ladylee. No cost at all. You just keep being my neighbor. You are such a good neighbor!”

***big crickets****

Now, that statement left me a bit perplexed. I am a HORRIBLE neighbor. I don’t participate in neighborly get togethers, and I don’t pay attention to what’s going on. My garage is attached in the back of my house...




And I time it just right where I can hit that driveway, click the garage door open, drive in the garage and close the garage door before the neighbor's have time to catch me.

(Sidenote: One of the "locals", Mr. Thomas, seen here threatening me with a rake, has a problem with this. (post to come later)).

Case in point: there is a lesbian couple that lives next door to my neighbors Tiny and Hen-Dog. Tiny and I were sitting out on my front porch, and Tiny had this worried look on his face.

“Lee, I always see one of the ladies, but I never see the other young lady.”
“Maybe she just be in the house.”
“Hope she alright. It’s like she keep her locked up or something.”
“Whatever.”
“I wonder what’s going on with them?”
“Why don’t you go knock on the door and find out,” I suggested.
“I just don’t know, Lee. I mean, we never see the other girl, and—“
“Man, would you shut up? Who gives a damn! Long as they stay over there, I could care less what they over there doing!"

No, I’m NOT a loving and caring neighbor. I work all day. When I come home, I’m trying to go straight up in the house. You better hope I speak or wave before I speed off into my garage and shut the garage door.

And you can forget about decorating for the holidays. I don’t decorate. Stan and his man Paul go all out. Even my neighbor Tim had the nerve to have a large blow-up fully operational Christmas carousel in his yard.

(That is some craziness. Especially since Tim don't have any kids around)

Then they want to argue with me when I choose not to decorate.

Anyway, Stan said he would put some lights on my house. Whatever. I told him to knock himself out.

Anyway, I walked back outside later that night to check the mail, and saw this.




(I wanted to knock on Stan's door and ask him to sweep the leaves off my front porch.)

Stan had placed the lights on my house just that quick.


My sister got upset, which is outside of her usual character. (“Is he gonna pay part of the light bill, Lee? Don’t decorations attract criminals?” she yelled).

So now I got some lights on my house.

And it appears to all that I have some holiday cheer.

Go figure.

And with that... I want to say:

You all have a Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!