Thursday, October 06, 2005

I AM OFFICIALLY A HOMEOWNER...





Okay... I FINALLY closed on my house on October 4th...

But I didn't get the keys until October 5th...

Piss me off something terrible...

But anyhow, I am a happy camper now... I AM OFFICIALLY A HOMEOWNER!!

This was my first time going through this. I did not find the whole process enjoyable. No one should ever have to sign their names a gazillion times.

Thank goodness I sat out in my car and prayed for a couple of minutes beforehand, or you all would have seen me on the evening news. Headline: "Dr. Ladylee blows up Doe, Doe, and Doe PC Lawyer building. Film at eleven".

Day 1...

Now I was suppose to close last Friday, but some STUPID people (Lawyers) were messing up big time...

Lawyers... I need to stay away from them for the rest of the year. I wanted so much to throat-chop (Mr. Humanity Critic, I would like to use your throat-chop term SEVERAL times during this post if you don't mind) these evil and lazy dudes...

First of all, I showed up at the closing at 5 pm. That's the time that Nikki-J, my real-estate agent told me to be there. I got there at 4:30 pm, actually. I was just going to sit in the lobby and read for awhile.

When I walked in, the seller, Oldboy, was there...

"Ladylee, glad you decided to show up," Oldboy said.
"What?!" I questioned.
"We were suppose to close at 3:30 p.m."
"They told me 5:00 p.m."
Oldboy scowls at me like I just stole his lunch money...

I rolled my eyes and sat down. (I think he realized that he looked real ass-stupid when both his and my real-estate agents showed up after 5:15 pm. ) But these folks wanted to get started at 4:45 p.m. I kept looking at the door, hoping that Nikki J would make her presence known.

Then this gorgeous lawyer walks out. He was tall. His eyes blue as the deepest ocean. His eyes matched his wonderful blue button down shirt. And he had a goatee. (I love goatees!!). And his voice was so deep...

Oh my...

But he had that certain flair in his step. And the way he moved his hands... Hmm, I don't know...

Maybe he was a little more fond of men than women... Who am I to judge??
"Let's go ahead and get started, Ms. Ladylee."
Anyway...then I started signing papers. And I was trying to stall a little, by reading all the fine print, and gazing around the room. I kept looking at that lawyer, trying to memorize his features (for my manuscript critiquers, he looked like the Tony Scalini character in my manuscript).

But every cell in my body wanted to scream...

"Nikki J!!!!!!!!!! Where are you? Help!!!"

Nikki J finally showed up and sat down next to me... I wanted to grab her and cry on her shoulder... But I relaxed, nevertheless... I think I made everyone really mad when I grabbed a calculator and started calculating stuff up... It was after five, and everyone was ready to go home. But screw that, ya'll got me signing my name a million times. I was going to sit there until midnight if I needed to. Then they were sitting there talking, eating candy, and drinking water... I wanted to yell...
"Would you all shut the hell up? I'm trying to concentrate here!"
To make a long story short, the money didn't wire from my lender to the lawyer's account correctly, or something like that... Then they said something crazy...



"You'll get your house keys tomorrow when the wire clears."


"Hunh?!?!?!?"

Oh well, after that, I had major attitude. I mean, I didn't get it. How the heck were you going to take my closing costs check, and not give me my keys...

Ooooohhh, I was HOT!!

Nikki J was like, "Oh girl, it's alright, you'll just get your keys tomorrow when the wire clears."

That wasn't really enough to console me... I got in my car, sulked for a few minutes, then drove to my best friend Lady Tee's house. I needed to laugh and chill out for a minute. Anything to keep me from finding a bazooka and blowing up the lawyer's office. Lady Tee and I sat back and watched Lil' Jon videos and a Sweet Daddy episode of Good Times. I finally went home and ranted about my whole ordeal to my lil' sister Kay.

DAY 2...

I called my mortgage broker, Big V, around 10:00 a.m...

"V, man, you got to tell me something, man..."
"What's wrong, shorty?" he said in his characteristic Phillie accent. Doggonit, I thought to myself as usual. He sounds just like an old boyfriend from back in the day who use to rock my world...
"These jokers talkin' about a wire hasn't cleared."
V goes on to explain exactly what a wire is, etc.
"Whatever dude," I said, "Ya'll need to give me my house keys. You need to call somebody."
"It's alright, sweetie," he said. "We'll figure it out."
"I mean, man, these dudes took my closing check. I want my house keys!"

Vaughn kept me on the line while he called the lender. They said everything was fine, and that the wire to the lawyer went through...

That really pissed me off. I was home alone. My cat Oscar was sitting at my feet looking lovingly up at me. Poor cat almost got throat-chopped...

I didn't want to talk to anyone then...

Just kept thinking about that bazooka I would use to blow up the lawyer's office.

Turns out the lawyers are stupid as hell. And they even realized they are stupid. So much so that they are cutting me a nice check because of the bad service they gave me. I'm gonna buy a deep freezer for my garage with that money. Thank you, you good-for-nothing, stupid lawyers. Everytime I open that freezer, I will think fondly of you and your ignorance.

Well, after a lot of attitude, (imagine me wailing about how I think they are trying to run a scam on me) I got my keys at 5:00 p.m. Lady Tee's cousin Tony, who's helping me pack and move for the next few days, was with me. Tony was especially ecstatic to see that I lived less than a mile from Turner Field. (Doesn't matter... I'm not the biggest Braves fan... but I like the occasional fireworks!) We took a nice little tour of the house. I felt a little better.

I went home. Kay was pulling up in my car. (We'd switched cars earlier... I had her truck... well, it's our brother's truck... Kay snatched it when he went into the military. Poor Da'Kari.). I took her down to the house. She was excited. I got a little bit excited... It was hilarious to see my sister Kay, the Diva Supreme, sit in the empty upstairs bathtub and the jacuzzi in her bank work attire...

Kay sold appliances at Sears a while ago. She proceeded to give me a wonderful explanation of the downdraft stove in my kitchen.

"You have a grill over here to the left, Lee."
"Yo girl, can I put a pot on that grill?" I asked excitedly.
Kay had a very un-diva-like look of horror on her face."What?"
"You know, can I put a regular pot on it? Or a skillet?"
She looked at me like I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. "No it's a grill, Lee. You grill on it."
"Kay, I'm gonna put a pot on it. I bet it'll work."
Kay shook her head and decided not to fight with me over the idea of placing a pot on a grill.
"And it's a Sabbath oven, too!"
"What?" I was completely confused.
"The Jewish people don't cook on the Sabbath. You have a 'Keep warm' timer button here."
"I'm not Jewish, Kay," I said dismissively...

(You see what my sister has to deal with in dealing with me...)

My friend and co-worker Hen-Dog and his baby girl Chayse, who live four houses down came by to have a look. He was excited. (I saw you eyeing my garage and jacuzzi, man. Don't even think about it.)

I have a lot more to write about... Hen-Dog has been talking about how my next door neighbors, a homosexual couple, like to take showers. The problem is that their frosted window does not have a curtain...

Let's just say poor Kay got an eyeful, and is a bit traumatized right about now. I could care less. My bedroom is on the main floor and on the opposite side of the house.


Shower on, dudes!! (Close your eyes, Kay.)

I also had a run-in with the local crackhead, um, I mean, substance user, Mr. Snake. We argued as usual. Something to the effect of "Snake, I see you eyeing my light fixtures. You betta not break into my doggone house. You betta not steal my air-conditioner unit, either." He had been standing outside on the sidewalk watching us walk throughout the house. If I woulda had a stick or a bat, I would have chased him off. Instead, I just yelled at him. As usual, he accused me of insulting his character and integrity... Go figure... Anyway, he shook my hand and said...


"Welcome to the hood!"
These two stories are quite, um, interesting. I'll probably save those for a later post.
I'm sure there will be other wonderful tales from the hood...

So in the words of that great Diva Diana Ross...

"It's my house, and I live here..."


24 comments:

  1. Sunshine8:18:00 AM

    That is great news!!! I knew something was going on when I didn't see you up in these parts. I am so excited and happy for you. Congratulations....let us know about the party. We'll be there with bells on!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cowgirl Cre9:45:00 AM

    Congrats girl!!!
    Let me know when you want me to drop your house box by.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations on your new home! I'm so happy for you ; )

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congrats Girl!

    My sister just closed on her first house last weekend and she experienced drama too...But be something about that closing boy!

    I can't wait to do it too LOL

    I'll send u a housewarming cd LOL

    ReplyDelete
  5. Congrats!

    So when can I expect those salmon croquettes and biscuits, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey ya'll!!!!

    Thanks to all of you...Feeling a little better now, and getting a lot of stuff done...

    @Sunshine

    Look, my beloved Bootleg editor: Ya'll need to cut all this party stuff out! I only cook once a week these days. I don't have the energy to feed you GOVERNMENT employees!!! If you eating at my house, there is a 5 dollar cover charge. No exceptions. I don't care if you ARE my bootleg "work for free" manuscript editor.

    It's real funny that I don't hear none of ya'll negroes itching to help me move (LOL)!!!

    @Cowgirl Cre...

    Bring my giftbox over only if it contains a titanium french door refrigerator with the freezer at the bottom. Or the 46 inch LCD flat screen with the brackets so I can mount it over the fireplace... If not, just chill with that till next week. Hit me on my cell phone, girl...

    @Angela Henry...

    Thanks Angela! And when are you having a booksigning in ATL? I need my copy of the Company you Keep signed!!!!!! Darn it, you should have been at the NBCC because your book was part of the bookbag.

    @DJ Diva... Girl, I can't believe you are a real DJ. Expect an email from me. Shoot, I want ALL the mixtapes. Name your price. And you betta catch me while I got some cash. I'll email you today.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Look here Punkin, i.e. Ol Mean Ass Cynthia, my other bootleg "work-for free" editor, read what I just wrote to Sunshine... 5 dollar cover charge... no exceptions...

    Hey, Chayse came over with Hen-Dog yesterday. She's becoming a mean ass lil' girl (however, she smiled a few times at me!). And she already has your vampire "glide" walk down pack... What do you two do, sit at home and practice your walk, and practice being mean ass people?? GEEEZZZZ!!! LOL!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Congrats!!!! Welcome to downtown! You are going to love it. Close to work and close to play. Let me know about the parties, also. I just love parties....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Congrats on the new home :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Congratulations, girl! I can just picture you getting all in someone's face when you want something done, LOL! I ain't messing with you on nothing believe that. You're the kind of chick no one needs to turn their back on, LOL! You go, girl! Enjoy your new home but I hope it doesn't look like those in the picture of your post. Honestly, those look HAUNTED. LOL, Lady did I scare you? You should know better than to buy a house this close to Halloween. Let's just say if something goes knocking in the middle of the night, don't run to answer the door, LOL! I'm just playing. Sometimes I love to cause trouble, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Cotena...

    My favorite Atlanta Traffic engineer... Thanks a lot, gal. But, Thursday evening, I was stuck in traffic in a big raggedy U-Haul, and I thought about you like I always do when I get stuck in traffic... I suggest you stop partying and do something about this Atlanta Traffic!

    @Princess Dominique...

    Thanks a lot!!!

    @Stacy-Deanne...

    Thanks, Stacy D!,

    Those aren't pictures of my house!! LOL! If they were, you know that I've been out in the streets selling something illegal or selling some LOVE to come up with the extra money for a house like that. My house does look "Halloweenish" though: peachy-pink and white, with black screens and a black front door. I was thinking to myself "My house is gonna be the bomb for halloween!!!"

    And chill with that haunted house craziness! I know, from your blog, you are on your 80's scary movie trip... Stop it, I say!!! (LOL) All the crap I went through to get this house... I'd run a ghost, goblin, witch, whatever, up out of there with a chain saw, axe and a pistol!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great post, LadyLee, and congrats on such a wonderful achievement!

    Where's a brotha's invitation to the house-warming party?

    ReplyDelete
  13. @ Marcus...

    Thanks, Mr. Roving poet...

    There's probably not going to be a house warming party. But I tell you what: I NEEDS for you to stop by and read some of your poetry to me and sprinkle rose petals in my water while I soak in my jacuzzi...

    Now, how's THAT for a housewarming invitation!! LOL LOL LMAO ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Marcus, I would have asked for an invitation myself but I got the feeling if you walk into Lady's house some voice is going to come out of nowhere screaming, " GET OUT "! LOL And you'd better listen! Hey, Lady isn't it true the name of your street is 123 Amityville Drive? Come on now don't front! I saw you beating that witch up in the window, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey ! Congrats!!! Owning a home is a WONDERFUL accomplishment. I bought my 1st last year and am so happy I did so! :-) Now, I'm just trying to have SOME semblance of self-control when I pass Home Depot!!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  16. Congrats on the crib...

    I'm trying to be like you and Robyn real soon.

    Now breathe.

    Breathe naked of you wanna... in your HOUSE BABY!!!

    YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!!!!

    See, I'm happy for you. Enjoy them fireworks girl.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You just name the day and time, and IT'S ON!!! : )

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Stacey...

    You can't come to my house, Stacy! You're creeping to deep into the halloween mode on your blog... You might show up in your Jason mask, in the Christine car, carrying a chainsaw in one hand and a boombox playing the Friday 13th music in the other hand...

    And I hate to pull out my gun and shoot you!! LOL LOL LOL LOL

    @Robyn (Disco Diva)...

    Thanks, girl! And belated congrats to you too!! I know what you mean about Home Depot... It's like a magnet drawing me closer and closer! (LOL)

    @Hassan...

    You are crazy, crazy!! (lol) thanks a lot ;)

    @Marcus...

    Awwww yeaaaahhhh!!! And make sure you wear that black turtleneck and black hat you wore on the pictures on your website... LMAO!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. LadyLee,
    Congrats on obtaining your first home. High Five !!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congrats on your home. I'm glad it's done. You were looking weirder than usual at work. Stress can do that. Funny how they always have problems with check around 5:00pm.
    Now can we get on with the next chapter of your manuscript. Vaughn and Sweet Heat. It's been so long I forgot the man's name. Just kidding, take your time. Congrats again.

    ReplyDelete
  21. CONGRATULATIONS SIS! WAY TO GOOOOOOOO! pray for me...I need to make that move as well

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Cydney,

    Thanks a lot!! And high five back at you!!!

    @Blessed One...

    Thanks a lot, boss lady...Yeah, I have been a bit stressed at work, huh? But lo and behold, I can exhale. Maybe now, I can get back to work on my manuscript!! (LOL)

    @Sista K,

    Thanks, my Colli Park buddy. (I'm an ATLien now, but I will ALWAYS rep College Park!!!). Now girl, keep on praying, and put your faith cap on. If I can do it, you can too!!!

    Ladylee

    ReplyDelete
  23. Congratulations on your new home! Nothing like being able to truly call a place "home". Yeah, closing on your house is a real pain, but worth it, ESPECIALLY during tax season.

    What tripped me out is when they asked why I was a day late on a truck note from 4 YEARS prior. I couldn't even remember what I had for the lunch the day before, let alone why I was a day late. By the way, a crotch rocket is a long-bodied motorcycle. From the seat to the handle, it looks as if you're laying on your belly while operating it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. @youtoldharpotabeatme...

    Thanks! And I can't wait for tax season right about now...

    Yeah, I was late on a car payment back in 1999, and it is STILL on my credit. Hacked a few points off my credit score. Shoot, they could have overlooked such a small thing, hunh?!!

    Thanks for explaining that whole crotch rocket thing... I had NO earthly idea what the heck that was!! LOL

    ReplyDelete

Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!