I AM OFFICIALLY A HOMEOWNER...

Okay... I FINALLY closed on my house on October 4th...

But I didn't get the keys until October 5th...

Piss me off something terrible...

But anyhow, I am a happy camper now... I AM OFFICIALLY A HOMEOWNER!!

This was my first time going through this. I did not find the whole process enjoyable. No one should ever have to sign their names a gazillion times.

Thank goodness I sat out in my car and prayed for a couple of minutes beforehand, or you all would have seen me on the evening news. Headline: "Dr. Ladylee blows up Doe, Doe, and Doe PC Lawyer building. Film at eleven".

Day 1...

Now I was suppose to close last Friday, but some STUPID people (Lawyers) were messing up big time...

Lawyers... I need to stay away from them for the rest of the year. I wanted so much to throat-chop (Mr. Humanity Critic, I would like to use your throat-chop term SEVERAL times during this post if you don't mind) these evil and lazy dudes...

First of all, I showed up at the closing at 5 pm. That's the time that Nikki-J, my real-estate agent told me to be there. I got there at 4:30 pm, actually. I was just going to sit in the lobby and read for awhile.

When I walked in, the seller, Oldboy, was there...

"Ladylee, glad you decided to show up," Oldboy said.
"What?!" I questioned.
"We were suppose to close at 3:30 p.m."
"They told me 5:00 p.m."
Oldboy scowls at me like I just stole his lunch money...

I rolled my eyes and sat down. (I think he realized that he looked real ass-stupid when both his and my real-estate agents showed up after 5:15 pm. ) But these folks wanted to get started at 4:45 p.m. I kept looking at the door, hoping that Nikki J would make her presence known.

Then this gorgeous lawyer walks out. He was tall. His eyes blue as the deepest ocean. His eyes matched his wonderful blue button down shirt. And he had a goatee. (I love goatees!!). And his voice was so deep...

Oh my...

But he had that certain flair in his step. And the way he moved his hands... Hmm, I don't know...

Maybe he was a little more fond of men than women... Who am I to judge??
"Let's go ahead and get started, Ms. Ladylee."
Anyway...then I started signing papers. And I was trying to stall a little, by reading all the fine print, and gazing around the room. I kept looking at that lawyer, trying to memorize his features (for my manuscript critiquers, he looked like the Tony Scalini character in my manuscript).

But every cell in my body wanted to scream...

"Nikki J!!!!!!!!!! Where are you? Help!!!"

Nikki J finally showed up and sat down next to me... I wanted to grab her and cry on her shoulder... But I relaxed, nevertheless... I think I made everyone really mad when I grabbed a calculator and started calculating stuff up... It was after five, and everyone was ready to go home. But screw that, ya'll got me signing my name a million times. I was going to sit there until midnight if I needed to. Then they were sitting there talking, eating candy, and drinking water... I wanted to yell...
"Would you all shut the hell up? I'm trying to concentrate here!"
To make a long story short, the money didn't wire from my lender to the lawyer's account correctly, or something like that... Then they said something crazy...

"You'll get your house keys tomorrow when the wire clears."

"Hunh?!?!?!?"

Oh well, after that, I had major attitude. I mean, I didn't get it. How the heck were you going to take my closing costs check, and not give me my keys...

Ooooohhh, I was HOT!!

Nikki J was like, "Oh girl, it's alright, you'll just get your keys tomorrow when the wire clears."

That wasn't really enough to console me... I got in my car, sulked for a few minutes, then drove to my best friend Lady Tee's house. I needed to laugh and chill out for a minute. Anything to keep me from finding a bazooka and blowing up the lawyer's office. Lady Tee and I sat back and watched Lil' Jon videos and a Sweet Daddy episode of Good Times. I finally went home and ranted about my whole ordeal to my lil' sister Kay.

DAY 2...

I called my mortgage broker, Big V, around 10:00 a.m...

"V, man, you got to tell me something, man..."
"What's wrong, shorty?" he said in his characteristic Phillie accent. Doggonit, I thought to myself as usual. He sounds just like an old boyfriend from back in the day who use to rock my world...
"These jokers talkin' about a wire hasn't cleared."
V goes on to explain exactly what a wire is, etc.
"Whatever dude," I said, "Ya'll need to give me my house keys. You need to call somebody."
"It's alright, sweetie," he said. "We'll figure it out."
"I mean, man, these dudes took my closing check. I want my house keys!"

Vaughn kept me on the line while he called the lender. They said everything was fine, and that the wire to the lawyer went through...

That really pissed me off. I was home alone. My cat Oscar was sitting at my feet looking lovingly up at me. Poor cat almost got throat-chopped...

I didn't want to talk to anyone then...

Just kept thinking about that bazooka I would use to blow up the lawyer's office.

Turns out the lawyers are stupid as hell. And they even realized they are stupid. So much so that they are cutting me a nice check because of the bad service they gave me. I'm gonna buy a deep freezer for my garage with that money. Thank you, you good-for-nothing, stupid lawyers. Everytime I open that freezer, I will think fondly of you and your ignorance.

Well, after a lot of attitude, (imagine me wailing about how I think they are trying to run a scam on me) I got my keys at 5:00 p.m. Lady Tee's cousin Tony, who's helping me pack and move for the next few days, was with me. Tony was especially ecstatic to see that I lived less than a mile from Turner Field. (Doesn't matter... I'm not the biggest Braves fan... but I like the occasional fireworks!) We took a nice little tour of the house. I felt a little better.

I went home. Kay was pulling up in my car. (We'd switched cars earlier... I had her truck... well, it's our brother's truck... Kay snatched it when he went into the military. Poor Da'Kari.). I took her down to the house. She was excited. I got a little bit excited... It was hilarious to see my sister Kay, the Diva Supreme, sit in the empty upstairs bathtub and the jacuzzi in her bank work attire...

Kay sold appliances at Sears a while ago. She proceeded to give me a wonderful explanation of the downdraft stove in my kitchen.

"You have a grill over here to the left, Lee."
"Yo girl, can I put a pot on that grill?" I asked excitedly.
Kay had a very un-diva-like look of horror on her face."What?"
"You know, can I put a regular pot on it? Or a skillet?"
She looked at me like I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. "No it's a grill, Lee. You grill on it."
"Kay, I'm gonna put a pot on it. I bet it'll work."
Kay shook her head and decided not to fight with me over the idea of placing a pot on a grill.
"And it's a Sabbath oven, too!"
"What?" I was completely confused.
"The Jewish people don't cook on the Sabbath. You have a 'Keep warm' timer button here."
"I'm not Jewish, Kay," I said dismissively...

(You see what my sister has to deal with in dealing with me...)

My friend and co-worker Hen-Dog and his baby girl Chayse, who live four houses down came by to have a look. He was excited. (I saw you eyeing my garage and jacuzzi, man. Don't even think about it.)

I have a lot more to write about... Hen-Dog has been talking about how my next door neighbors, a homosexual couple, like to take showers. The problem is that their frosted window does not have a curtain...

Let's just say poor Kay got an eyeful, and is a bit traumatized right about now. I could care less. My bedroom is on the main floor and on the opposite side of the house.

Shower on, dudes!! (Close your eyes, Kay.)

I also had a run-in with the local crackhead, um, I mean, substance user, Mr. Snake. We argued as usual. Something to the effect of "Snake, I see you eyeing my light fixtures. You betta not break into my doggone house. You betta not steal my air-conditioner unit, either." He had been standing outside on the sidewalk watching us walk throughout the house. If I woulda had a stick or a bat, I would have chased him off. Instead, I just yelled at him. As usual, he accused me of insulting his character and integrity... Go figure... Anyway, he shook my hand and said...

"Welcome to the hood!"

These two stories are quite, um, interesting. I'll probably save those for a later post.

I'm sure there will be other wonderful tales from the hood...

So in the words of that great Diva Diana Ross...

"It's my house, and I live here..."