Monday, October 03, 2005

The Ultimate Job Interview...




So...

John Roberts was sworn in on Thursday as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. I've posted my thoughts on this before. It was something that completely bewildered me.

And now, Harriet Miers, George Bush's White House Counsel, has been nominated for the Supreme Court as a replacement for retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

Talk about getting hooked up! I need to get hooked up like that!!

(I work for the government, and this "hook-up" thing happens on our job at times. The ass-kissers, who are the least qualified, get the good promotions. But I don't want to talk about that right now. I might throw my computer through the window if I keep thinking about it.)

It seems as if no one knows anything about Harriet Miers. But she is probably a shoo-in. If Clarence Thomas was confirmed after all that craziness involving Anita Hill, then Harriet Miers should have no problem getting confirmed. There was only one person who, from what I can remember, got nominated recently and then turned down by the senate. I don't remember his name, but I see his face in my mind. He was a creepy looking dude. I believe I would have voted to turn him down too...

I mean, come on, becoming a Supreme Court Justice is the ultimate job if you are a lawyer or a judge. You remember how little Michael Evans on the sitcom Good Times kept yelling about how he wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice. So, I realized, even way back then, that getting an appointment as a Supreme court Justice has to be a pretty big deal!

But the interview process is kind of... strange. That's the best way I can describe it. Yeah, I know this is a confirmation hearing, but when you're being asked questions, and you're hoping to get the job, as far as I'm concerned, it's a doggone interview...

It really got me to thinking. Have you ever been on an interview where you could decline to answer questions?

I haven't... I'm usually all stressed out. In fact, it's almost like a life and death situation for me.
I hate interviews.

Or have you been on an interview where you could talk so much gibberish that you said a lot of stuff, but really, you didn't answer the questions at all??

I would love to have an interview like that... No frills, no preparation, no nervous jitters...

Now I would have loved for the interview for my current job to go a little something like this...

(dedicated to my coworkers, who know how I am (LOL))...

I have an interview at ABC Chemical Company, a federal government operation, today at 1:00 p.m., but I don't arrive until 1:15 p.m. (I stopped by McDonalds on the way to my interview... they are slow as hell.) I walk into the conference room where the two interviewers are gathered, both clad in their business attire. I, on the other hand, am wearing a pair of old raggedy blue jeans, a colorful T-shirt, and a pair of sneakers. This is what I will be wearing to work if I get the job, so I figured, why not wear it on the interview?...


"Good afternoon, Ms. Lee," an older gray -haired man says with a smile. "I'm John Doe."
He looks at his watch. "Glad you could finally join us."


I sit down in a chair at the head of the table. "Yeah, uh, I had to stop and get something to eat. I was hungry."

He clears his throat and has a seat.

So, Ms. Lee, tell us a little about yourself.

"I'm a chemist." I take a bite of my chicken sandwich.

He looks at me peculiarly. "Anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself?"

I think for a moment while I finish chewing my food. "Yeah, I have a Ph.D., so I'd appreciate it if you call me Dr. Ladylee. Show a little respect, why don't you."

"Oh...", he mumbled, "I'm sorry, Dr. Ladylee."

"That's more like it," I said with a smile.

"Well, can you tell us about your past experiences in the chemistry profession, Dr. Ladylee?"

I take a sip of my soda. "I'm not answering that question. It's all right there in my resume, John. I'm not gonna repeat what's on paper, man!"

"Oh...," Mr. John Doe muttered. "Well, uh, can you tell us about some of your scientific publications?"

I sigh heavily. "John, there's a list of publications attached to my resume. Feel free to go look those up. I don't feel like I should have to answer questions about those."

"Alright then...," Mr. John Doe says nervously. "Well, Dr. Ladylee, what are some of your strengths?"

"Well, John, that's an easy one. I am a strong black woman. Enough said."

"Oh, okay then...," Mr. John Doe says nervously. He adjusts his tie. "Can you tell us some of your weaknesses?"

"I, Dr. Ladylee, have no weaknesses," I reply quickly.

Mr. John Doe wipes perspiration from his brow.

"John, you're looking a little pale. You want some of my fries?" I ask.

"No thank you, Dr. Ladylee." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "And I don't have any further questions."

I nod my head and continue munching on my fries.

He looked over at the other interviewer. "Do you have any questions for Dr. Ladylee?"

The other interviewer, a short black woman, who by the way, had been glaring at me through narrowed eyes the whole time, spoke up. "I have no questions, but I do have a comment for Ladylee."

"Dr. Ladylee", I corrected. "Get it right."

She sat back in her chair and folded her arms tightly across her chest. "Whatever. You're a liar. Everyone has weaknesses."

I cocked my head to the side and glared at her. "Sister, I didn't catch your name."

"You didn't catch it because I didn't give it. I'm Sista T."

I leaned forward in my chair. "Well Sista T, look here. I'm gonna break it down just like Condoleeza Rice did. You can conduct this interview any which way you want, but you should refrain from impuning my integrity."
"Whatever. I still say you're lying."

I push my fries to the side. "John, you need to check this broad, before I do."

"No one needs to check me, Ladylee!" she snapped.

I stood up from my chair. "Oh," I yelled, "don't get it twisted, Sista T. 'Cause we can take this outside and do the darn thing!"

John jumped from his chair. "Okay, okay, nobody's going outside and doing anything."

Sista T just sat there and glared at me. All I heard was her heavy breathing.

"Trick, you just mad because I didn't offer you any fries," I snapped.

"Let's just all calm down," John Doe said through nervous laughter. "I think this interview is just about over. Do you have any questions for us, Dr. Ladylee?"

"Yeah, how high is my bread stacked?"

John Doe looked like a deer in the headlights. "Bread?"

"Oh, I mean, how much money will I be making?" I clarified.

"Whatever your salary requirements are, that's what you'll be making. We can discuss those details another time, Dr. Ladylee." John stood up on wobbly legs. "I think this interview is over."

I get up from my chair and he escorts me to the door. I hear Sista T suck her teeth.

I turn back around to face her. She is scowling like she wants to beat my ass or something. I point at her. (And I point at her with that two-finger crooked point, the way that Celie pointed at Mister in The Color Purple before leaving with Shug Avery for Memphis). "Do I, Ladylee, have to beat a sista down today? I mean, I come in here and try my best to be polite, but it looks like you just want to get snatched today!

Sista T slowly removed her gold hoop earrings and placed them on the table. She then opened up a jar of vaseline and rubbed it on her face...

Mr. John Doe wraps his arms around me to hold me back.

"Hey," I yell over his shoulder, "don't let me catch your tail out on the street, Sista T!"

A nervous John Doe pulls me through the door and escorts me from the building... He looks all too happy to get rid of me...

No, the interview for my current job went nothing like that. Could you imagine an interview like that, and you STILL get the job? Shoot, I would LOVE to have an interview like that! (LOL).

Heck, wouldn't you?

5 comments:

  1. Woman, you are beyond a trip!

    You had me crackin' up with that mock interview! Is that not EVERYONE'S dream???

    I must say that if I repeat my feelings regarding the recent Supreme Court appointments one more time, I'll probably end up hoarse. So, in the interest of saving my voice, I'll just say this:

    John Roberts had LESS THAN TWO YEARS' EXPERIENCE as a federal judge and became the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court . . . Harriet Miers has NO JUDICIAL EXPERIENCE and will probably be swept into the Associate Justice seat . . . when's the last time you heard of a high school graduate being elevated to the position of CEO of a Fortune 500 company?

    America is witnessing the last of its days.

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  2. Marcus,

    Dude, you see, that's what I was trying to say in my last post regarding John Robert's nomination to the Chief Supreme Court Justice position... Freckled face 16 year old kid interviewing for an entry level position at McDonalds and he gets hired as regional manager.

    Such B.S., but, ah, 'tis the government way. Cronyism to the nth degree...I work for government, and I'm scratching my head wondering how certain ignoramises are getting these upper level jobs in MY building. I'm looking at how Bush appoints people and I think I can understand now...I guess it's that way all over.

    All I gots to say is...
    Marcus Harris '08.

    Thanks for hanging at my spot so much... Now go write some more poetry for me!!!

    Ladylee

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  3. Chile I don't even know what to say...It really doesn't make a difference cause they all have the same agenda.....But the mock interview was hilarious...You are just too funny!

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  4. DJ Diva...

    I guess it's business as usual with our beloved government, right?

    And yo, DJ Diva, can I PLEASE get one of those Mix tapes?

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  5. This is too funny!!

    When will we be able to buy your book??? With the way you write, there has to be a book in the works!

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Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!