Hence the Fence

My brother has moved in with me, I think... He says he is doing a test run.

"Just for a week, Lee, to see how it is."

Whatever that means.

Then he proceeds to go to his car and unload everything he owns from his trunk. I didn't say anything, just watched him go back and forth to his car. He even went and did his own grocery shopping (a bunch of junk food. I was horrified.) I'd been grilling burgers and hot dogs that day, so after all that hauling of luggage up to his bedroom, the little boy was quite famished.

He walked into the kitchen.

I stopped what I was doing, and looked at him real close.

"Boy what's up with your face?"

He broke out into a huge smile. "I'm growing a mustache, Shawty!"



I shook my head. "Boy, stop!"

I told LadyTee about this. We had a good LONG laugh.

"Tell that little boy he still the baby!!"

He sure is. I don't care how old he gets or how much facial hair he grows: He's still the baby!

Kay and Kari, circa 1987:



Anyway, I've been doing home improvements.

Well, not really. More like watching the home improvements get done.

My neighbors on the left, Paul and Stan, came up with this brilliant idea: they wanted to build a fence along the backside of our properties and my neighbors to the right property. Seems like some of the locals (crackheads, prostitutes, vagrants, etc.) like to use our yards as a cutthrough to the next block over. This isn't good, since Paul and Stan have a beautiful glass back door and a wonderful breakfast nook with incredible windows. My neighbors to the right, the gay frat boys, have similar house features.

I don't even have a back door leading outside. My back door leads down into the garage. And let's just say, you better break out some ladders if you are going to break in on me. And all my windows are alarmed up, so whatever.

Now I know the gay frat boys' back door has been kicked in by the locals in the past.

And I have heard through a couple of locals that a similar scouting expedition has been carried out on Paul and Stan's house. (I didn't tell them that... and by the way, THIS is why it is good to befriend some of the locals! They share valuable information concerning "Welcoming people to the ghetto", i.e., robbing folks houses.)

Hence the fence.

Well, Stan is a jack of all trades: he will go read everything in the world about a little project and just get to working on it. He and the gay frat boys would be out back discussing the fence project and call me over when they see Hen-Dog, my chaffeur, drop me off after work.

"Ladylee, this is what we're going to do. We've made our measurements and we think we can do this fence."

I'm standing there just looking at him as he points and analyzes. To me, he's sounding a bit like the grownups on the Charlie Brown Peanuts show...

"Wah, Wah, Waaah, Wah, Waaaaah".

I can hardly take all the fence talk. I'm quick to cut the convo short, because I want to go in the house.

"Dude! I have no idea what you're talking about! Look! Just tell me how much money you need from me, and I will write you a check."

"Well, LadyLee, we just need for you to clean out all of the brush out behind the black tarp of your property line. We are going to run the fence through there."

I looked over at the small forest in my back yard.

"Who? You need for ME to clean all of that out?"

"Yeah, LadyLee! It won't take long! We're renting tools from the tool bank, and we can all just clean our yards in preparation for the fence.

Well, the conversation went on like this for a couple of weeks. My final answers were a hodge podge of the following...

"Look, man, I am a girl!"

"Look, I ain't getting out here cleaning nothing! I'm a girl!"

"Do you realize what will happen if I see a snake? I will pass out! I'm a girl!!"

"Do you really think I'm gonna get out here and get over into all that and clean it out? I'm a girl!"

"Man, I'm a girl!"

Yes, Ladylee is the ultimate tomboy... but I don't like snakes, rodents, and insects. No way. I turn into a straight up diva, damsel in distress when I see such craziness.

Basically, if they thought that I was gonna help them, they were crazy. As far as I was concerned they could go sit on a tack.

So I told them something that I KNEW would make them happy.

"I'ma go call my brother. He'll help ya'll!"

"Alright LadyLee!"

I called up Milk and Cookies. He was happy to help. Afterall, he does what I tell him to do. And that's a good thing.

I even got up and fried him up some chicken and baked biscuits for him early on the Saturday morning of the cleanup. Had plenty of drinks and water ready for him, too.

I didn't mind doing it... As long as I didn't have to do any yard work.

My bro came over early, and went out and got started with Paul and Stan. He came back in after three hours, all smiles.

"Lee, we're going to Home Depot and getting a chainsaw, and price a few things!"

He was giggling a bit too hard for me. He grabbed a papertowel and another fried breast quarter and biscuit.

"Lee did you know that there's a bunch of gay black dudes that live next door. I mean a whole lot of them!"

"Uh, yeah."

"That is funny! Never expected to see that!"

He left the house laughing. He jumpled in Stan's SUV and went shopping.

Later on in the afternoon, he came back in for a break.

"Lee, you know them brothas saw a snake and ran like crazy?"

"Shoot, man I don't blame them! You see I'm right in this house!"

"I just don't understand. I stomped the snakes and killed them with the shovel. I can't believe they ran!"

"Dude, they girls just like me!"

"Whatever, Shawty. We needed their help, and now they are gone. Dog."

Milk and Cookies was a bit disappointed.

Well my brother did an excellent job helping out. I walked outside at one time, and saw that he had scaled a tree and was cutting branches with the chainsaw.

*LadyLee frowning hard with a look that says "Get your behind out of that tree right now!!*

Now, I wasn't happy about that at all, but I quietly retreated back to the safety of my house.

The fence is nice, and the cleanup even added 10 feet to the backyard. The huge tangle of trees, vines, and weeds was located where all that soil is now. I don't know how they dug up that small forest, and I don't care. All I know is that they did a great job.

Later that week, I went over to Phil and Stan's house to give them my share of the costs for the job.

I tore a completed check from my checkbook. "Kari sure liked working with ya'll. I think he learned a lot, and I hope he behaved himself."

Both Phil and Stan said something that left me shaken.

"Yeah, he sure is handsome!"

*Crickets*

*Huuuuge multitudes of crickets*

Whoa.

Glory.

I tell you. You had to be there to see and understand the look that was on my face for a split second.

Shock and awe! I was screaming inside.

What the heck was I suppose to say to THAT!?

But I composed myself very quickly. "Yeah, uh, he is a handsome guy."

"LadyLee, he came over to talk to us in the backyard after his military drills the other day, and he was so handsome in that army uniform."

Damn. What do you say to all THAT??

"Unh-hunh. Listen ya'll, here's your check, and I gotta get on back home."

"Alright, LadyLee!"

I told my brother about this and we had a good laugh.

"Lee, the frat boys invited me to a baseball game, so I will be going."

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Dude just take care of yourself, because I can't rescue you!"

"Yeah, I'm going. And I will be sitting there with one of my girls. They look at me, they'll be looking straight at a woman too."

Well alrighty then, Milk and Cookies.

Just be ready for more home improvements at any time.

And by the way, Cowgirl Cre said that she'd be glad to loan you an eyebrow pencil if you want to fill in that mustache!!!