Friday, September 04, 2009

I made a few dozen cookies Wednesday morning...

"They're like crack, Lee," Nikki use to say. "They be calling me, calling me."

I would just shake my head, as I don't understand. People feel this way about my cookies.

I don't usually eat my own cookies, you see.

I made them for Nikki's family, as not only Nikki, but her family loves them...

I would take a tin of them whenever she invited me over to family gatherings. She said I didn't have to bring anything, just bring myself, but she knew how I was in that I never liked to show up anywhere empty handed.

I don't have much, and I have a hard time expressing how much I care for you...

But I can make a mean cookie... and that goes a long way in accomplishing such...

And to thank her and her family for taking me in, and treating me like one of their own.

Now, when I arrived at Nikki's house on Wednesday night, there were many people there. People were arriving and leaving and what not. Nikki's Mom, who I affectionatley call "Mama Nikki", was walking down the driveway.

"I'm running to the store, Lee," she said. "Go on in the house, we'll be right back."

That wasn't a problem. I just about know everybody. And I arrived at the same time as one of her cousins, who had been cracking me up with old stories of Nikki. I was more than content to just hang out with her and others.

Mama Nikki stared at the huge silver tin I gripped in my hands.

"What's that?"
"5 dozen cookies, Mama Nikki. I told ya'll the other night that I'd be back over, and that I was baking up cookies."

She immediately grabbed the tin from my hands and marched with the quick step back up the driveway and into the house.

I was quick on her heels. Nikki's brother Swad had held me up on the front porch by snatching me in a big hug, but I caught up to Mama Nikki in the dining room as she was attempting to hide the cookies.

"Mama Nikki!" I said. "Uh, I'ma need you to share the cookies."
She shook her head.
"Come on now, Mama Nikki. There's enough for everybody."
"Alright, Lee," she said. She reluctantly placed the tin on the table.

That was just something funny to me.

Something to make me laugh through my tears.

It helps right now just to be over in the house where Nikki lived. Funny how I was expecting her to walk down the stairs and yell "What's up, Sis?"

Over the past year, she'd become like a sister to me. I'm STILL trying to figure out how to process my feelings and put them into words. But right now, it just helps to be around people who knew her all her life and who look like her.

I stayed a couple of hours the other night, and when I was leaving, Mama Nikki walked me out to my car.

"You don't have to come over here every day," she said.

"I know. And I'm not. I just wanted to stop by. When I'm here, I feel like I'm near Nikki."

She nodded, draped her arm over my shoulders.

"I miss my girl, Lee," she said.

I had to blink back the tears, because I didn't want her to see me cry.

She looks like an older version of Nikki, same chocolate complexion, same dred locks...

When I see her, I see Nikki, and that there is enough to get me all choked up. I'd been holding it together pretty well in the house.

"I miss her too, Mama Nikki," I said, trying desperately trying to keep the shake and quiver out of my voice.

She was around there being so strong for everyone. I can't imagine how it feels to lose her child, "my girl", as she called her. I can't imagine her hurt and pain.

I feel for Mama Nikki and her family...

I truly do...

They miss you, Nikki...

May you rest in peace, and may the memory of you live strong in their hearts... forever and ever.


  1. Yes, you do make a mean cookie. So good, they'd make you smack your mama or grandmama.

    Here's to memories!

  2. Now you know I almost fell outta my chair with the Mama Nikki cookie story! Especially since that was one of the last things we talked about. They must have been good since she only managed to STEAL three out of sixty!

    You gonna make them people fat down there!

    Wait... Hmm... Customers...

  3. *tears all in the eyes after reading this*
    Five dozen cookies, man you was a baking fool over there Lee! I got a couple dozen made over here myself LOL!!

    Grief is a female puppy ain't it? Take your time and be good to you in the process.

    Big Bunny hugs to you Lee!!

  4. Anonymous1:20:00 PM

    COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY CALLIN ME!

  5. @King 2nd 68... Mama Nikki gave me the hard side eye when I brought some over 3 weeks ago. And yeah, Nikki told me she managed to sneak 3 cookies. They were suppose to be hiding them from her.

    Glad she liked them so much.

    @Netrock... you get your fair share since you live so close to me that I can step out the door, hurl a tin of them as hard as I can to the north, and it land perfectly on the porch...

    @Bunny... Stop your crying. I've cried enough for the both of us. Sigh.

    I got up and made those cookies the same day I made the salmon and biscuits I posted up on Facebook. A sleepy eyed Oscar-Tyrone was looking at me real funny. There's never that much activity going on at 5 in the morning, since I don't usually get out of the bed 'til 8 o' clock.

    The many phone convos I've had over the past week, and me just posting different people's tributes and thoughts up on the walls of this House is helping me come to grip with the swirl of emotions going on in my heart right now... I want to go back to my ol' smurfy self again... I really do.

  6. I got 4 kids who are asking will there be another delivery of those cookies Mama? (the ones you baked and sent to me for BDAY--but I couldn't eat because of my dairy allergy)anyway they (my 4 greedy-assed kids) ate them and still look longingly at the mailman hoping that today will be the day thoese cookies are deliverd again.

    I miss Nikki TOO. I just thought I had all the time in the world to...

    I can't imagine losing one of my children. It took so much to adopt them that I would be on the ground forever if soemthing happened to any one of them....sigh.

    I do know that GOD has a plan and Nikki was needed in heaven. I believe that now I know the name and face of yet another angel so when I transition...she'll be there with open arms waiting.

    Yeah comparing those cookies to crack is ACCURATE!

  7. I haven't been reading the tributes, not yet anyway...altho, I did read Hassan's.
    I did my own...but I didn't see it as a tribute...more or less...just my thoughts.

    I am glad I came over here and read this post. Dunno, felt bittersweet...

    Today is the day...and I know there will be a lot more tears for everyone there. She was (is) an awesome woman.


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