Thursday, September 03, 2009

To Nikki.. from the heart of Hassan...

My big blog brutha, The Brown Blogger Hassan, has been that one person who has REALLY helped me straighten out my pain and thoughts concerning the loss of our friend. We've been on IM, texting back and forth for the past month about things. I've been the liason of sorts, here, able to be with Nikki, check on her, and to be the one to tell him "Bruh! I'm around her. I'm talking to her. I'm tryin' to tell you, she looking better. She gonna be alright!"

I've always been crazy about Hassan, and Nikki has too... I was telling Nikki last week that, "You know, when you're wrong, Hassan gonna be the first to throw you in a figurative headlock and let you know that you're wrong. And offer solutions to the problem." She most definitely agreed with that... We both have had our moments with him.

So rare to find people who will deal with you on that level...

And this week, he lost his virtual twin... a kindred spirit, a part of him.

Our phone convos have been hard, him consoling me, I consoling him. He's forced me to talk about things I don't care to talk about, like my own battle with autoimmune disease, and Nikki's battle with this rare one, one that we can't even pronounce, one that overlaps so hard with my own that I honestly still can't tell the difference. He'd been doing so much research on this rare rare illness that took her life, that he has been able to explain some things to me, help me fill in the holes of what was going on... and he's helped me feel in the holes in my heart concerning this horrible loss of our friend...

I myself have not been able to express my thoughts of Nikki's passing in words. I've been making due with the words penned by others, as they have touched on my own feelings.

But Hassan has found the words. This week, He posted a poem he wrote for Nikki a few years ago (see "The Remnants Forever Staining My Memory").

He also posted his thoughts yesterday on his blog. The piece is very long, but I know it is only the tip of the iceberg of what's going on in his heart right now. 100 pages of his words could still not convey the totality of his feelings...

I've posted excerpts of it here, excerpts that are helping my heart, helping me deal with things.

excerpts from Hassan's "The Finality of Things"

I am a mess right now. I am coming to terms with the loss of my sister. I just cannot place this occurrence with anything right now. I am thirty eight years old and I just lost a peer. I really thought that I would have more time before folk that aren't family but are emotionally close would die. I thought at we would live a little, some to marry and have kids and others to venture out and accomplish things in travel and experience. Anika and I made promises to each other to do things in life that would enhance the experience for friends, family and folk who either read us in passing or subscribed to our blogs or obtained our publications. She used to tell me that I just need to continue to travel, take pics and just write about it and that one day she would catch up to me in that regard.

What happens when you meet someone by chance encounter, are introduced to or are just brought together by friggin' osmosis with a complete stranger from outside of your circle and/or personal region and you open yourself up to them and they to you (and not marry or pursue a romantic relationship with, partner up with business or otherwise, etc) and build trust, respect each other's boundaries, create a history of kinship and friendship with and then one day out of nowhere... That person is jettisoned from your square?

I am heartbroken for her family and her BFFs... I know that sacrifices were made, concessions were placed and duty was served in providing love and comfort. We invest our time and effort thinking that there will be an abundant return. Most times there are. The time spent over the years yields so much, but our selfishness in wanting things to go our way sometimes clouds the memories of days past because we expect our present and future to be filled with the ones we feel the need to lean on.

Anika was my truth squad. Everybody has one person that is this to them. Nikki slapped my ass with the pure, unadulterated truth in everything on a regular basis. I loved that about her, even if she would get all introverted and shy and try not to call herself out. That's what I was there for on some occasion. She was my sister, kindred in spirit. We were too damn similar in many ways, many things. Looking and dealing with her was like dealing with myself we were so damn alike. She was way more talented and me and I was in awe of how easy most things came in her ability to create. Losing her was like losing a reflection in the mirror. I am having difficulty in dealing with the finality of it all.

I absolutely could not in the most selfish way ever lose anyone in my inner circle... And I did.

It now has me questioning every damn thing. I'm feeling lost right now knowing that I must travel east and place closure on things. The finality of things... I'm not sure how to deal right now, but I'm doing the best I can in this moment. Don't expect much from me though. Thinking about her family and what they're going through is harrowing enough.

You do have a way with words, bruh. You really do.

We miss you, Nikki...

You are forever in our hearts...


  1. The Green Eyed Bandit7:51:00 AM

    Man.....I can tell Nikki was definitely a special person. I can feel everyone's pain this week as I read the posts you have graciously shared with us. I am praying that God is consoling you. Nikki has definitely left her "loveprint" on so many. Her spirit will live on in all the lives she has touched.

  2. I find your blogging about Nikki and posting comments from her virtual friends is helpful and soothing on some level.

    All the posts captures my pain and yet doesn't go far enough. It is stunning to me.

    Thank you for helping me and I am sure others manage our grief.

  3. Anonymous10:39:00 AM

    Nice words. I hope you are ok Lee.


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