Year In Review: "Suspicious Activity"

Click here for Part I of this post - Year in Review: Wound Care Blues

I've been wanting to write about this ordeal, but I had no idea how. And I knew it was not a good time to do so way back when it occurred. I thought it would be best to write about it after some reflection.

So... I'd gone in for my yearly exam. I have to admit that I'd skipped a couple years. I don't know why, it just got away from me, I suppose. And during this time, I decided to have my first mammogram.

It was a bit jarring to say the least, laying my breast on a cold clear piece of plexiglass and watching it get mashed. Who on earth thought of all this?  And I have large breasts, so that was interesting. It was painful at times, but not too bad, save for the embarrassment of having my chest all out in the open like that, it was alright.

I noticed the mammographer took multiple pictures of my right breast. I didn't know what that was about.

I got a call a week later saying that something going on in my right breast, and I needed to get some advanced imaging. So an appointment was made appointment for me to go to a radiologist nearby.

I made it to that appointment, and I had another mammogram. The mammogram was to be interpreted and if things were still uncertain, I would have an ultrasound. I sat and waited for the radiologist to give his thoughts to the technicians on the results. He asked them to do an ultrasound.

When this was over, I waited for what seemed like an eternity for the radiologist to sit down with me. He came in and told me that my mammogram was suspicious and that I needed to talk to a breast surgeon.

*crickets*

He used some really big words, I don't remember them right now, but he said something about calcifications, and whatever it was, that I needed to get it biopsied and removed. And with that, he gave me my paperwork and sent me out the door.

My mind was all over the place. I can't say that I felt dread or anger or fear... I just felt numb. I REALLY needed to sit down and talk to someone, not just be told "You need to contact a breast surgeon."

What the world did I know about finding a breast surgeon?

I took my mammogram disks and slides and secured them in a place in my trunk so I wouldn't lose them. And I drove home in silence. I even pulled out the compact discs and viewed the images of my breast on the computer. I only saw a couple of small dense areas. It wasn't clearly defined, but something was there. But I still couldn't make heads or tails of it.

Then something wonderful happen: and it was one of my most important conversations of the year.

Now, I did a "Conversations week" back in June, I believe. Trust me, those were only a few of the important conversations I had last year. I had so many more, so many that I could've blogged about them for the remainder to the year and still not cover them all. But I only chose a select few to blog about because I thought they could be useful to some of my readers.

But this conversation was one that was right on time... and divinely orchestrated, as far as I am concerned.

I play Words with Friends with a few bloggers on a regular basis. Someone who plays with me, but very rarely, made a move on one of our games is blogger Blu Jewel, my favorite "British Jamerican". It made me say "Where has she been? Where she pop up from?"

I've learned so much from her over the years, especially from a spiritual standpoint. She has always challenged me to think higher. She hasn't blogged in awhile, and I only see her on facebook the few rare occasions I am on. But she made a move on WWF that day. And it was a sudden type of thing, something that made me wonder,

Then I remembered some posts she'd done a couple of years ago. She blogged about her sixth anniversary as a breast cancer survivor.


So I took my turn on our game, and then I sent her a message in the game chat. I wrote that I remembered her blogging about breast cancer and that I had an abnormal mammogram and if I could send her email because I had some questions. She said for me to give her a call, which shook me a little.  I don't like bothering people.

That was a very good phone call. I'd never talked to her before and she indeed has a british accent. I don't do well with those accents, but I hung on to her every word. I was taken aback when she said. "Listen, I'm not going to bullshit you...",She told me her story (which scared me a bit), and she let me ask as many questions as I needed to ask. Then she gave me some instructions on what to do over the next few days concerning some reading and looking for a breast surgeon, etc.

I felt better after that conversation. I followed her instructions.

I think one of her most interesting instructions was not to go discussing it with everybody. This had a few people having issues with me (after the fact), but I understood what she was saying and why. I rarely talk about my lupus, because people just don't understand it, and I don't deal well with a) a bunch of negative talk and b) anyone being upset and crying over my health.

But with this issue, I needed some time to think and read. I told my sister, only because she asked "How did your appointment go?", as she always does. I didn't want to alarm her. And Blu told me that I needed to take someone with me to my appointments and help me read about everything. And I asked for my sister for assistance in that. .

That worked out really well. It REALLY helped to have my sister there. She is great in crazy situations (as you can tell from the whole family fiasco this summer). No, I wasn't a problem or a basket case, but I had my minor moments. I had a couple of crying moments in bed at night, when I was all alone with my thoughts. But for the most part, I was being proactive.

To make a long story short, I ended up going with a surgeon that the obgyn recommended. I was trying to find someone near me, but I thought I would talk to the mammographer to see what she thought. The mammographers were pretty nice to me and explained things to me, and I'd done a lot of reading. The surgeon they recommended was a specialist in what I had, even though it was waaaaay out in the south surburbs. (That's why I was doing all that driving this summer). So that worked well for me. He asked a lot of questions, and let me ask a ton of questions.

He put the mammograms up on the screen for us to discuss. He and his nurse were a bit interested in it, pointing out things on the mammograms. I kept saying I don't really see anything. But hey, as long as he saw what he thought he saw, I trust him. Overall, he was extremely thorough in his explanations. And I remembered Blu Jewel telling me to grill him, ask questions and right everything down, which I did.

I ended up having a core needle biopsy. He was able to biopsy both areas at the same time, through the same incision since they were so close to each other. I had two small tumors ("breast mice", they call them. O_o) which came back as benign. Blu Jewel told me if everything is benign, ask them to go back in there and remove anything that remained after the biopsy. I talked to the surgeon about that, and he said "I already did that while I was in there."

Good. That was all good.

My sister was sitting over in a corner of the room when I got my results.  (I wanted her there just in case I passed out or fell out crying).  She almost clapped, but thought better of it. When he left the room, and I put my shirt back on, I gave my sister a high five and we left the building. That was back in June. I had a follow-up scheduled for december. I didn't think much about it much until then, because it was June and I was going to be concerned with December when December came. The only thing that irked me was that wound care. It took a little over a month to heal.  I have a nasty keloid left (I have keloid skin). I am fine with that.

I tell you one thing. It felt good to finally stop changing bandages after a month. I used to joke with my cubicle mate Cowgirl Cre. "Girl, I am uncomfortable. You gonna turn around one day and I am sitting in my chair with my shirt AND my bra off."

LOL

That never happened. But I was really uncomfortable. In the wake of all that, I am now an expert on bandages and saline and tape and all that. Really.

Once December rolled around, it was coming up on time for my appointment. I actually went to that appointment by myself. (It felt odd not to have my sister with me). I had another mammogram and ultrasound, and all was clear. I still didn't see much of anything when they put the two mammograms xrays up on the screen. I was a bit horrified by the big moon-type crater in the picture of my breast in the mammogram taken just after biopsy. The new mammogram, all I saw were the two titanium metal markers that are now permanently in my breast. The doctor said all was well and that I needed to be checked again in 6 months.

The breast surgeon's office is over by a restaurant that I like. I ordered some fish and chips and made the long long journey from southern surburbia back to my side of town (downtown).

I of course am thankful that all is well. I didn't pray much about this, as I don't do well with "worryin' my prayers." I included it in my prayers and made sure I walked down whatever path became open. And what I really needed at that time was a path to information and courage. Blu helped much with that. She told me she had heard a sermon the week before our conversation where the topic was on being mindful of what's going on around you, because you never know who you will have to minister to. And she was happy that I was the one that day that she ministered to. And minister to me she did.

I spoke to one of the ladies in my Women of Color Writing Workshop a couple of weeks ago and she said she too had a bad mammogram last year. We both agreed that the worse part of the whole scenario was the mental part of it: waiting around for the day when they tell you if what's going on is benign or malignant. That lapse of time is such a hard time mentally. All of a sudden things that we worried about on a daily basis took a back seat to the unknown concerning the breast issue. I agreed with her. Totally.

I was also reminded of something else, something that I already knew:

In the midst of adversity, we find out who we truly are inside. And how we react to adversity says much about us.

As for myself, I've come a long way from falling out crying over things. Yes, like anyone else, I went through my "flipping out" mode, just being initially fearful. Fear causes us to build some incredible pictures in our minds, causing us to panic.

And panic is what it is: groundless fear.  Fear with no basis or no legs to stand on.

I learned much about myself during this whole scenario. I learned to not automatically think the worse. I learned to make sure to pray, and ask for some direction, and to be attentive to what happens as a result of asking. I had to face some things that I don't particularly like about my personality (It pained me to ask my sister to accompany me on my doctor's visits. I don't like inconveniencing people. But she was more than happy and willing to go with me). It helped me understand what adjustments needed to be made in my heart and ways of dealing with issues of this type.

And I have a deeper understanding and a better appreciation of people who cross my path for a reason. (Thanks, Blu Jewell).

And it was one of the major issues of 2013 for myself.

It is amazing to talk about it now. There are women all around me who have had the same issues. And I have learned from them all.

And that's a good thing.