This is me some days.
Yes, that's me. The monkey laid out on the floor hollerin' "Lawdt".
My cubicle mate Lady M had the nerve to go on training AND vacation for 5 weeks straight. Ugh. She was texting me wonderful pics of the 3 week training (down in beautiful Orlando), and vacay pics from New York and Canada.
I believe I texted the picture above from me a few times. Along with angry texts of "Stop all this foolishness and come back to work!!!"
She is the proprietor of our bootleg Sharbucks Coffee shop. It went from suburbia Sharbucks to hood sharbucks. I texted to her that Sharbucks was vacant, and the white folks weren't around. I tend to be antisocial, and not a part of that little crowd anyway.
She's back now. When I came in to work that day, I dropped my bags and we had a Celie and Nettie moment. And it was a good moment! I am so happy to see her! (And somehow, Sharbucks MIRACULOUSLY got spiffy for her comeback that week. Imagine that. Humph).
I've felt like the monkey laid out on the ground in the picture for another reason.
Last April, or roundabouts, my sister called me up.
"Guess what?" she said.
I knew it was something important because I could hear the glee all through her voice. This meant good news of some kind. "Uh, what?"
I was driving at the time. And my immediate reaction was a groan from deep within, a groan I didn't even know existed.
And a couple of seconds later, I cleaned it up. I grabbed some glee from some special part of my brain.
"Awwww alright! Good for you, Kentucky."
We talked a little longer. I wanted to get off the phone because I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. We eventually got off the phone.
And I cried every time I thought about it. I'm even crying now.
I just don't like to think about it.
My sister, the only family that I deal with on a consistent basis, is leaving for a 2 year or more teaching contract in Abi Dahbi. If you don't know where that is, it's a few hundred miles south of Dubai.
She's been talking about this for the past couple of years. I've sat and listened intently, doing my best to hold my selfishness down like one tries to hold a beach ball under water.
It's hard. I don't want my sister to go ANYWHERE, I want her to stay here with me.
I've gone through little mini-fits of sadness and moments of anger.
"Got dog, I ain't gonna have NOBODY."
Of course, that's not true. That's just an imagination of the worse case scenario. It is a fear.
"I ain't gonna have NOBODY!"
I've written fast and furiously about how I feel deep in the pages of my journal. I don't want my sister to go anywhere. She and I have spent our holidays together for the past decade, I believe. Our family doesn't get together for the holidays because it's such a mess (I split long ago, even though I tried. I just don't like bad treatment, man.)
Now I have to find something else to do. And I had to realize that I was doing a lot of "I...I...Me...Me...Me."
Just being selfish. To myself and on paper. With her, I haven't been like that. In my heart of hearts, I want her to go on and pursue her dreams. The USA feels like it's about to implode, with all this social mess going on. LEAVE. Go somewhere new. GO!
"Maybe you will go over there and decide to stay," I've said on more than one occasion.
I mean that. I've dealt with my feelings. I get teary-eyed when I'm with her somewhere, and she talks with such excitement about it to her friends or my friends. I've had to wail (only a couple of times) "Stop talking about it. You're making me cry."
We all laugh while I wipe the tears that are beginning to fall from my eyes.
She is leaving in August or thereabouts. I have had time to get my head straight and attitude right. We've been talking about her plans and all the legal things she has to do before she go. I've been attentive and as helpful as possible. I've been available for whatever help is possible.
I've been doing well, not acting out and falling out on the floor crying.
But... that is until she moved in with me on July 1st.
Her lease was up. No need to renew. She could stay with me. And when it's time to go, she could just leave.
But it's hard. So hard when she bounds down the stairs with her usual greeting of "Hey Lisa!"
And we hang out. I may talk to her an hour after work. She's usually upstairs when I come home. I grab her keys off the table and move her car so I can put my car (Lucy Jr) in the driveway. (I drive Pam a little now. Her car and my Pam can fit side by side in the back of the driveway, which is fine by me).
There have been many talks. I've been trying to pick her brain about her money. I just want to know whether I need to throw a couple of hundred bucks in a can every week and she uses that for her personal "getting around" and living money right now. She is being all vague about it (which is annoying). She has a couple of more paychecks from her teaching job coming. She should be out of here by then. But there was a heavy discussion of her at least thinking about if she needed some extra help. I let her know how much I had on hand, and what I could do. She is maintaining that she is fine, and she wants to work her budget out herself on her own.
Humph. Okay. *ladylee kicks the hard eyeroll*
We've been talking about life. She is beginning to have some issues that I am having now and have not quite solved. There's my usual retort of "You better work on that, because you don't want to be working on that when you are my age. It's much harder."
Sister Callie Jo is giving her a hard time. She's stealing stuff out of her room. Trash. A flip flop. Trying to pull clothes down out the closet. Callie's just hot that somebody is in the house. Mitch is giving me a look everyday that says "You know there's somebody upstairs, right?"
It has been hilarious.
Man oh man. I was doing good. But now I see her every day. We talk and we laugh. I fuss. She's vague.
What the world am I going to do when I have to see her off at the airport?
She talked to our brother Milk and Cookies about it awhile back.
"Man, you gonna have to come home. You gonna have to pick Lisa up off the floor."
I am determined that that will not happen. I may not even take her to the airport. I am trying to make sure she spend ample time with our mother. That's who might need to be picked up off the floor.
I'll be okay. I am determined to be okay. Whenever I get all teary-eyed, I spend time blessing her life. I spend time thinking about how great an opportunity this will be. I never had such an exciting opportunity. Oh the wonderful things she will do.
And that helps me smile through my tears.
As for now, I will enjoy her presence. I will even go visit if I can.
It is life changing. Less for me, yet more for her.
And that's a good thing. No... a wonderful thing.
Coming out on the Other Side - "When you come out on the other side of the trial, it's your obligation to share your experience with someone who is still traveling the journey" -- Michel...
3 days ago