Food for Thought: Birthday #46... Sigh

I would be remiss if I didn't do a birthday post.

No fanfare this year. (You know how I get all excited about my birthday).

Not this year. I feel more like Sister Callie Jo looks here.

She looks like she is stuck but she is not. Her toys are on top of the bookcase below the stairs and she is trying to figure out how to get to them. She can't figure out how to get her whole body through the rail. (Lord help us if Big headed Mitch tries the same thing).

But she looks caged and trapped. When she is not. That is how I feel.

I am in the middle of a big project at work, and I couldn't take off for my birthday like I usually do. Heck, I can't even keep my doctor's appointment in the morning. Hope I can reschedule it in the next two weeks, or even on Presidents day, as I have that day off. (And incidently, I have a doctor's appointment that day too. Hmm).

So, I must admit that I have been all caught up on my feelings. I don't like being inconveinced on my birthday. Afterall, it's a LadyLee National Holiday. It is.

So if my birthday falls on a weekend, I like to take the prior Friday and the following Monday off from work. That worked well last year, as my birthday fell on a Saturday. And it was super special because my last job ended on my birthday, and my promotion and work group change kicked in that following Sunday. What a nice gift from God, I thought at the time. And it most definitely was.

But things went a bit sideways this year. I have been gearing up for a project and well, my birthday celebrations and work leave have to wait. My boss had come over and sat in my cubicle as he does from time to time and I said...

"Uh yeah... I'ma get ya'll back for this one."

And I will. I'ma take a whole week off after it's said and done.

So needless to say, I have been a little all in my feelings. And that is okay. I give myself permission to be that way as long as I don't stay stuck. And I think I am PMSing anyway. That's probably my problem.

I didn't do much of anything today. I only wanted to get myself together for the week- get clothes washed up and folded and clean up the house. I don't know if I will have to work upwards of 10-12 hours and I know that I will not want to do a darn thing once I get home. I noticed this last week when I would come home late from work and not even eat. I would just take off my clothes and get in the bed. And if it's going to be like that, I want to at least have a clean house and clean clothes.

I did manage to get my drivers license renewed last week and I got an emission for Lucy Jr. I will have to worry about Pam later. I will order my tag online for Lucy Jr. this week, as I will not have time to go to the DMV and get it.

The best thing I did was on yesterday, when I spent some time journalling about the past year, on the cusp of turning 46.

I have changed. I know that much.

I definitely ain't the same person I was when I was in my 30s. I most definitely do not put up with a lot of tomfoolery. And please don't make me have to think to hard concerning our friendship. In other words, my patience has run out when it comes to funky or suspect behavior.

I notice I tend not to be very interested in people if I'm not being a blessing or positive influence. And vice versa. We all dealing with enough people wearing us down. I don't want to be in that company.

I wrote about something I'd written a time or two about lately: I have noticed some anxiety about things going on in my life. It's almost like I'd be on the edge of panic. I have no idea where that comes from. I look to make sure I'm not around any terribly anxious people, as I notice that type of things tend to rub off on me.

This tends to show up when I have some things to do and I have to plan well enough. I was anxious about this trip to San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I am so use to my sister being around and taking care of my house when I have to travel, but she's not here. So I was mentally bothered and anxious about asking for help. I don't have a lot of friends, and I rarely have company. So asking someone to look in on my house is just a horrid thing for me to even ask. I just asked a couple of friends just to drive by my house to make sure my door wasn't all kicked in. And that worked out. But I remember being in San Francisco just wondering... and I remember the sigh of relief when I got home and everything, including the cats, were just fine. I really had no idea and had not even talked to anyone about it. And my sister always called or hung out when I was out. So that was a point of anxiousness. Unnecessary, but I pay attention to that and I write about it. I wrote much about it out in San Francisco and I did all I could just to encourage myself.

This past week I was anxious about all this car stuff I needed to do: I needed new tires, emissions and tags for two cars AND a drivers license renewal. I was anxious about it. What set much of this off is that there was a drivers license place a mile from my house and it was torn down the week before. (Ain't that a mutha!!?) So there was much discussion about where to go get one where I won't have to be up in the joint for hours and hours. My coworker Lady M encouraged me to go find the one down by the city jail (where I just didn't want to go). Just do a simple drive-by and look around. And you know, I did that for a couple of days. This place was on my way home. And I decided to go in and see how long it would take to get my license. And you know what? There were only 4 people in there and I was in and out in about 10 minutes.

Same scenario with new tires. I was bellyaching about having to have a very specific tire for Lucy Jr. No bootleg for her. There was no need in driving a luxury car riding on some ol' cheap tires. I'd read enough online that screamed that the car would drive like a Yugo if I did that.

I got up early on a Saturday morning and drove out to the suburbs for the tires. There were 10 folks in line in front of me so I sat in the waiting room, equipped with all my charged up electronic devices, prepared to just sit there all day. But they moved me ahead of folks who dropped their cars off for the day and had people to come pick them up. I was in and out with my new set of tires and alignment in a little over an hour.

There have been a plethora of scenarios like this this year. I get anxious and mentally overwhelmed about something I need to do, and it turns out that everything goes FAR better, quicker and cleaner than I expected. FAR and beyond.

So i spent time writing about this, as it is a problem area I happened to see with myself. And as a result, it is an area I have targeted for prayer. I think much of it is tied to me missing my sister, and not being part of a tight knit family. So I have had to just figure out things by myself without having anyone I really feel comfortable depending on for help. And I do have people around. There has never been a time when God has not made provision, over and beyond, especially if I'm stepping out on faith. I have no evidence of failure to get things done. None at all.

It's just the fear of provision not being made, or hardship that seems to bring on anxiety. And I am praying about that.

I know that's a lot of writing I just did. My birthday is suppose to be such a happy time. But I use it as a time to examine what's going on and what I need to target for improvement.

I wrote something interesting in my journal last night, when pondering all of this, amongst other things I choose not to write about.

"... It is all akin to, 'If a tree falls in the middle of the forest, and thre is no one around to hear it, does it really matter that the tree fell?'  It does. Because if no one heard the tree fall, God heard it fall. And that is what really matters."

I'm not sure what that means in its entirety. But it means something, and I will be chewing on it for awhile. It gives me solace and peace for some reason.

That's it for my birthday. This has been an eventful day. My church had it's 30th church anniversary. That was a LONG service. I streamed it, and it was very good. Also this was Super Bowl Sunday. I was just surprised that all of this fell on my birthday. So I have been busy not only cleaning up and getting ready for my workweek, but also taking all these festivities in. It is all so exciting.

But today I am 46 years old. I am closer to 50 than I have ever been, right? And that's fine. T

I am more in tune with having the courage to deal with my issues. And that means I am maturing.

I have come a long way since the attitudes of my 30s and 40s. I am just happy to recognize this.

And I look forward to a great year.