Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day... I'm not sure how many men readers I have, but I like to acknowledge my holidays.

I was looking back at old Fathers Day posts in order to just grab up a picture for today's blog post. I am always pensive and reflective on Mothers and Fathers Day, as these have never been times of celebration, but moreso times of trepidation for me. This has been an odd weekend in that I have found my eyes welling up with tears when watching Fathers day commercials on TV. And it is mostly out of wishing I had experienced all those feelings at some time in my life, and realizing that I haven't. I am not sure why it is causing such an emotional response from me. But it is alright.

I not only came across a picture, but I also came across some thoughts about fathers day that I posted, and it was a blessing and a comfort to read them.

I want to repost those here today on this Fathers day.

(Circa Fathers Day 2014)

This morning, during my journalling time, I spent some time writing about my father. He passed back in September of last year. I have his flag. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I know I

didn't think it was right to pack it away. I thought it should go to his family, but I was urged to take it. It set atop my bookcase, wrapped in plastic wrap for a few months. My best friend LadyTee brought a shadow box for it. I didn't want to set it on my mantle, so now it sits above my kitchen cabinet.

I reconnected with my father when I was 39, after setting a "bucket list" goal to reconnect, i.e., talk to him, when I turned 30. It took 9 years to get the courage up to say something. I was afraid of this man. My mother had said some things about him when I was a child that made me afraid.  There were the occasional times I picked up the phone at my grandmother's house, and it was him calling them to check on me. But it was like talking to a mere stranger. And I had to remember not to pick up the phone when I was over there.

For years I felt so abandoned. There were those thoughts so many of times of "Maybe I would've made better decisions in my life if I had a father to guide me."  I suppose it is worse for a boy/man than a girl/woman.  But I am older now. And I am successful enough. I can't blame things on that. I can't be mad about it. I sometimes look at others with fathers and wish that I had one, just to have someone who cares. But I look at myself, and I am alright. I can't judge my life through the lens of another.

The things I learned over the past few years of rare visits with him are interesting. I looked like him. We had the same sense of humor. We were both very quiet people, and prefer our own company. I am the worst kind of loner, and so was he. I needed to know those things. I appreciate knowing those things. I thank God for allowing me some glimpses into essentially the "why" behind who I am. That means sooooo much to me.

I also recognized in my prayers this morning my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for prayer. Rarely do I talk to people about my issues, but you best believe I talk to God about them. And I am a bit spoiled these days, because prayer is constantly answered. Even the stuff I refuse to pray about. It is so interesting how the Holy Spirit searches the deep recesses of my mind and even takes care of those issues. I feel very much special and very much taken care of and thought about.

Part of my daily prayer for the past 1.5 years, something I posted on the last day of 2014, comes to mind.

Thank you Lord for being the covering you always are.... A covering with no holes and no flaws... all seeing, and all knowing. Thank you for taking care of me in ways I know about and most importantly, in ways I don't know about.

I ponder and meditate on that. I do. And I forever grateful for it.

Those are my thoughts on this Father's Day.

This is one of those times where I am glad to have some 11 years of blog posts. I can go back and read about ME and my heart concerning things.

And that there is worth its weight in gold.

Always. 

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Fathers Day... I'm not sure how many men readers I have, but I like to acknowledge my holidays.

This morning, during my journalling time, I spent some time writing about my father. He passed back in September of last year. I have his flag. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I know I

didn't think it was right to pack it away. I thought it should go to his family, but I was urged to take it. It set atop my bookcase, wrapped in plastic wrap for a few months. My best friend LadyTee brought a shadow box for it. I didn't want to set it on my mantle, so now it sits above my kitchen cabinet.

I reconnected with my father when I was 39, after setting a "bucket list" goal to reconnect, i.e., talk to him, when I turned 30. It took 9 years to get the courage up to say something. I was afraid of this man. My mother had said some things about him when I was a child that made me afraid.  There were the occasional times I picked up the phone at my grandmother's house, and it was him calling them to check on me. But it was like talking to a mere stranger. And I had to remember not to pick up the phone when I was over there.

For years I felt so abandoned. There were those thoughts so many of times of "Maybe I would've made better decisions in my life if I had a father to guide me."  I suppose it is worse for a boy/man than a girl/woman.  But I am older now. And I am successful enough. I can't blame things on that. I can't be mad about it. I sometimes look at others with fathers and wish that I had one, just to have someone who cares. But I look at myself, and I am alright. I can't judge my life through the lens of another.

The things I learned over the past few years of rare visits with him are interesting. I looked like him. We had the same sense of humor. We were both very quiet people, and prefer our own company. I am the worst kind of loner, and so was he. I needed to know those things. I appreciate knowing those things. I thank God for allowing me some glimpses into essentially the "why" behind who I am. That means sooooo much to me.

I also recognized in my prayers this morning my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for prayer. Rarely do I talk to people about my issues, but you best believe I talk to God about them. And I am a bit spoiled these days, because prayer is constantly answered. Even the stuff I refuse to pray about. It is so interesting how the Holy Spirit searches the deep recesses of my mind and even takes care of those issues. I feel very much special and very much taken care of and thought about.

Part of my daily prayer for the past 1.5 years, something I posted on the last day of 2014, comes to mind.

Thank you Lord for being the covering you always are.... A covering with no holes and no flaws... all seeing, and all knowing. Thank you for taking care of me in ways I know about and most importantly, in ways I don't know about.

I ponder and meditate on that. I do. And I forever grateful for it.

Those are my thoughts on this Father's Day.

I pray yours are just as wonderful.

Fathers Day...

Good Sunday Morning... from my bed. I am suffering from a slight head cold this morning, so I decided to just stick around the house and take it easy. Drink plenty of fluids and not overdo anything.

I was looking through a prayer book I recently purchased entitled My Daily Psalms and Prayers. It gives a prayer for each day of the year, based on a bible verse from the book of Psalms. I like this book because it's not all angelic and lovely. It touches upon real life problems, habits, and concerns.

The subject of the June 17th prayer was fathers.

I thought I would post it here, and give my thoughts on it.

Psalm 68:5 Father of orphans and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation

With all the Father's Day ads, I think of you, the Father of all creation. Yet I realize that there are all kinds of fathers in the world. Some are absent or abusive; some are distant and demanding; and some are caring and giving. When some people think of you as a father, fear and anger consumes them. But here the Psalmist calls you 'father of orphans'. For anyone who needs a good father, you step in. Whatever failings any earthly father has, you make up for that earthly father. There is genuine fatherly love available to us all. Thank you my 'heavenly dad.'"

I thought that was a nice prayer.

It is something else how the word "father" can elicit a wide range of emotions. We all have had fathers, and the verse above describes the plethora of thoughts which spring to mind: distant, demading, absent, abusive, caring, giving.

And in that range, I see something... our lives can be shaped by that.

Mother's Day reeks complete havoc on my heart moreso than Father's day. My mother is an emotionally unavailable woman, and I don't have a relationship with her. Same with my Father, but for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me as much. I think they are good people. It's not that I am worthless to them, it's just that parenting isn't their thing. I don't hold that against them. I am here now, and I have my on path and purposes in life.

But I recently met with my father some two years ago when I was 39. It was one of those life goals things, something that I put on a bucket list of sorts.

"Before I die, I want to talk to my father."

My goal was to do this by the age of 30, but I was chicken. It took 9 years and much courage to do so. I called him a couple of times over the years, but there was no convo. I think it was such a shock that he didn't know what to say. I sent him a note in the mail of wanting to meet with him with no expectations, just to meet him. He ended up calling and I detailed the going-ons of it all in several posts (Crazy Convos with my father and Face to Face with my father).

That was an interesting meeting, albeit only fifteen minutes or so. I learned much about myself through convos with him. I am a quiet individual. I get that from him. I tend to be a loner. I get that for him. I have an interesting sense of humor. He has the same. And I hate being a bother to people. He is the same.

I have only seen him once since then. His brother Willie died, and I attended the funeral. (See A Most... Humble Occasion and A Most... Humble Occasion, part II). I sat in the back of the church. It was amazing to see so many people that look like me. I guess I never really thought about such things.

I think that one of the most important moments of my life was shaking his hand and telling him that I was sorry about his brother. He was so shocked to see me, he wouldn't let my hand go. The man had tears in his eyes. That was just way too... I don't know. I ain't use to eliciting that type of emotion from anyone.

So today on father's day, no, I won't call him. Saying Happy father's day to a man trying his best to deal with his past concerning his only child seems... inappropriate. I think of him daily. Pray for him daily. Hope he comes to terms with his life. I've learned from him to work hard now, while I am relatively young, to come to terms with the issues of my own life, as I don't want them to haunt me.

Today I don't holler the statuses resulting from hurt and pain that are being placed on Facebook or Twitter. Thank goodness that I'm not on those anymore, only rarely.

I do agree with the prayer above... when I think of a father, I think of a range of things... demanding, distant, absent, abusive, caring, giving.

I think these actions are characteristic of not only fathers, but of human beings in general.

I see them in my ownself.

I hope my father is well today. I know he thinks of me as I think of him. I hope he comes to terms with it all, as I myself continue to do.

I just wanted to post my thoughts on today. My own words.

Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers of the world, including my heavenly Father.

Make it a great day... on purpose.

TGIF!!!

I am glad it is Friday!

Especially since it means I get paid...


Mo' money, mo money, MO' money!!

Time to ball 'til ya freakin' fall, ya'll!!

I wish... Gotta pay the bills, babes. **hard sigh**

But in the meantime, while I'm waiting for the days when I can be a baller, I think you and I should take a lesson from my book club sista Kim's niece, Miss Kyla, who happen to be the youngest "woman" at my last Inspirational Journal Writing Group meeting.

We should all put on our favorite outfit and grab our favorite purse...

Look here, now! I said grab your FAVORITE purse. It don't have to match the outfit, you know.

Kyla demonstrates this all too well. She seems to prefer the baby blue and black patent leather purse. And uh, I do believe she doesn't give a flying flip what anyone says about her choice of gear.

And then put your game face on, baby!! That is, put on your biggest SMILE!

Once you do all of that?

I think you are more than ready for your weekend.

Thanks Kyla for showing us how to dress to impress, and get our weekend started off right!!

And you all have a good weekend.

Oh, and to all the fathers out there, like my personal chauffeur friend The Infamous Hen-Dog?

Have a Happy Father's day:)

~LL~