At the House of LadyLee... We like to keep it smurfy!
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Happy Father's Day!
Happy Fathers Day... I'm not sure how many men readers I have, but I like to acknowledge my holidays.
This morning, during my journalling time, I spent some time writing about my father. He passed back in September of last year. I have his flag. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I know I
didn't think it was right to pack it away. I thought it should go to his family, but I was urged to take it. It set atop my bookcase, wrapped in plastic wrap for a few months. My best friend LadyTee brought a shadow box for it. I didn't want to set it on my mantle, so now it sits above my kitchen cabinet.
I reconnected with my father when I was 39, after setting a "bucket list" goal to reconnect, i.e., talk to him, when I turned 30. It took 9 years to get the courage up to say something. I was afraid of this man. My mother had said some things about him when I was a child that made me afraid. There were the occasional times I picked up the phone at my grandmother's house, and it was him calling them to check on me. But it was like talking to a mere stranger. And I had to remember not to pick up the phone when I was over there.
For years I felt so abandoned. There were those thoughts so many of times of "Maybe I would've made better decisions in my life if I had a father to guide me." I suppose it is worse for a boy/man than a girl/woman. But I am older now. And I am successful enough. I can't blame things on that. I can't be mad about it. I sometimes look at others with fathers and wish that I had one, just to have someone who cares. But I look at myself, and I am alright. I can't judge my life through the lens of another.
The things I learned over the past few years of rare visits with him are interesting. I looked like him. We had the same sense of humor. We were both very quiet people, and prefer our own company. I am the worst kind of loner, and so was he. I needed to know those things. I appreciate knowing those things. I thank God for allowing me some glimpses into essentially the "why" behind who I am. That means sooooo much to me.
I also recognized in my prayers this morning my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for prayer. Rarely do I talk to people about my issues, but you best believe I talk to God about them. And I am a bit spoiled these days, because prayer is constantly answered. Even the stuff I refuse to pray about. It is so interesting how the Holy Spirit searches the deep recesses of my mind and even takes care of those issues. I feel very much special and very much taken care of and thought about.
Part of my daily prayer for the past 1.5 years, something I posted on the last day of 2014, comes to mind.
Thank you Lord for being the covering you always are.... A covering with no holes and no flaws... all seeing, and all knowing. Thank you for taking care of me in ways I know about and most importantly, in ways I don't know about.
I ponder and meditate on that. I do. And I forever grateful for it.