Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day... I'm not sure how many men readers I have, but I like to acknowledge my holidays.

I was looking back at old Fathers Day posts in order to just grab up a picture for today's blog post. I am always pensive and reflective on Mothers and Fathers Day, as these have never been times of celebration, but moreso times of trepidation for me. This has been an odd weekend in that I have found my eyes welling up with tears when watching Fathers day commercials on TV. And it is mostly out of wishing I had experienced all those feelings at some time in my life, and realizing that I haven't. I am not sure why it is causing such an emotional response from me. But it is alright.

I not only came across a picture, but I also came across some thoughts about fathers day that I posted, and it was a blessing and a comfort to read them.

I want to repost those here today on this Fathers day.

(Circa Fathers Day 2014)

This morning, during my journalling time, I spent some time writing about my father. He passed back in September of last year. I have his flag. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I know I

didn't think it was right to pack it away. I thought it should go to his family, but I was urged to take it. It set atop my bookcase, wrapped in plastic wrap for a few months. My best friend LadyTee brought a shadow box for it. I didn't want to set it on my mantle, so now it sits above my kitchen cabinet.

I reconnected with my father when I was 39, after setting a "bucket list" goal to reconnect, i.e., talk to him, when I turned 30. It took 9 years to get the courage up to say something. I was afraid of this man. My mother had said some things about him when I was a child that made me afraid.  There were the occasional times I picked up the phone at my grandmother's house, and it was him calling them to check on me. But it was like talking to a mere stranger. And I had to remember not to pick up the phone when I was over there.

For years I felt so abandoned. There were those thoughts so many of times of "Maybe I would've made better decisions in my life if I had a father to guide me."  I suppose it is worse for a boy/man than a girl/woman.  But I am older now. And I am successful enough. I can't blame things on that. I can't be mad about it. I sometimes look at others with fathers and wish that I had one, just to have someone who cares. But I look at myself, and I am alright. I can't judge my life through the lens of another.

The things I learned over the past few years of rare visits with him are interesting. I looked like him. We had the same sense of humor. We were both very quiet people, and prefer our own company. I am the worst kind of loner, and so was he. I needed to know those things. I appreciate knowing those things. I thank God for allowing me some glimpses into essentially the "why" behind who I am. That means sooooo much to me.

I also recognized in my prayers this morning my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for prayer. Rarely do I talk to people about my issues, but you best believe I talk to God about them. And I am a bit spoiled these days, because prayer is constantly answered. Even the stuff I refuse to pray about. It is so interesting how the Holy Spirit searches the deep recesses of my mind and even takes care of those issues. I feel very much special and very much taken care of and thought about.

Part of my daily prayer for the past 1.5 years, something I posted on the last day of 2014, comes to mind.

Thank you Lord for being the covering you always are.... A covering with no holes and no flaws... all seeing, and all knowing. Thank you for taking care of me in ways I know about and most importantly, in ways I don't know about.

I ponder and meditate on that. I do. And I forever grateful for it.

Those are my thoughts on this Father's Day.

This is one of those times where I am glad to have some 11 years of blog posts. I can go back and read about ME and my heart concerning things.

And that there is worth its weight in gold.

Always.