The Last Post of the Year, Part 2: Fear and Anxiety (A Tale of My Mental)

 2021 is coming to an end. 

And I have had the opportunity to look back over my state of mind... my mentality over the past year. 

You know, I have had to admit to myself that I fall short. I fall short of people's expectations, and even my own expectations. 

Constantly. 

And I have had to come to accept that and be okay with that. I am still a good person. And most of all, I am still breathing. And that means I still have ample opportunity to change. Not for other people, because I believe you can't please everybody all the time. I will never be the party person, the hip friend that everyone wants to hang out with. I have never been that and I hope I never will. I am living in a time that I can't tell people apart, and I want to always stand out from the crowd if possible. 

I must admit that over the years, maybe over the past five years or so, I have changed a lot when it comes to people. I have found that I experience a good amount of social anxiety, so it is rare for me to hang out with people. Plus, I don't do well with working out my problems and disagreements with folks. Part of that is that I really do not care. And I hate to admit it, I have come to a point where I am willing to be a bit superficial with people. It is just so much easier than being myself. I am finding that people expect "surface". Nothing fake, but wonderful pleasantries, blah-zay-blah. I don't like this at all, but it is easy. And most likely, it is with people who I use to talk to often, but I don't now. Much of that hurts. But it's okay. Just make the best of it, and be superficial. Do what, on some level, is expected of me. Do what is easy.

And keep it moving. 

That was a lot, but that was just something off the top of my head, some things I have been thinking about. 

Mental. Like most people, I am a bit anxious about the pandemic. I myself am glued to the television, listening to what is being said and hoping that I will wake up one morning and find out that it is all a dream.

But I know that will not happen. 

So I have a good amount of fear and anxiety. I would never admit that to people, but I am admitting it here. I rarely express my feelings to people, because I have been blown off so much. But you know what has happened to set me on the road to being free from that? 

There are close to 8 billion people on this earth. 

And that means there are close to 8 billion different perspectives.

And that is alright. 

And it has helped me embrace my perspectives about things, no matter if they are blown off. If they are, then they are. But this is how I feel about what I am dealing with. And from that point, I feel a bit more comfortable praying about it, praying for solutions. No, not to be perfect or acceptable in anyone's eyes, but to simply be able to examine my perspectives and follow the road to improvement or change. 

Does that make sense? 

Yes I know I am all over the place, but I am going somewhere with this. 

I have been praying about fear and anxiety. Just for some help. I rarely talk about this with people, because you know, it is just easy to do what is expected: be superficial. But shadows of how I feel have come out with those who are close to me. And it is like a huge weight off my shoulders and mind. I am so thankful for that. 

What has been particularly interesting is that I will pray about something, and then be on the lookout for some type of answer, some pathway to open up.

And I tell you what: it never fails that this happens. 

Back in November, I took a workshop entitled "Fear, Anxiety and Overwhelm". I took a ton of notes and got a lot out of it. It was just an hour give or take per evening for five days. We even had homework. It was a pretty good deep dive into the "why" behind being earful, anxious and overwhelmed. Just looking for the root to it all. I learned a lot during this workshop.

But you know the one thing that stuck with me?

I found out that most of my fear is imagined. All just a figment of my imagination. 

I would be so bold as to say that some 99% of my fears are imagined. That is hard for me to admit. But I learned during that class to really sit down with my fears and examine them. 

This revelation did a lot for me. I was able to get a few things that I had been afraid to do, done. 

And you know what? 

When all was done and said, it all wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be. 

Then on top of that, my Pastor said soon after that, that he was starting a series on fear. A real deep dive on it. And of course, that made me happy because it was an answer to a prayer. And over the past month, there has been much confirmation of some of the answers I have been getting to some of my prayers. And as a result, I have made more progress dealing with my fear and anxiety. And I have been bold enough to set some goals for myself that I have been afraid of setting.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I am a bit exasperated when it comes to this pandemic. Much of this is coming from being fearful of the unknown. I am immunocompromised and have had to do quite a bit to stay out of the way of exposure to the virus. I do my best to stay masked up and stay sanitized. I do my best to be careful. I have worked from home since March 2020. Coworkers talk trash, and I am proud of myself for not dialing anyone up and opening up the good book of cuss on them. I let it go. God bless them. Keep it moving.

I, like everyone, want this to be over. It sure does a hit job on my mentality. I don't have much family as it is, but it is painful at times to spend all this time alone day after day after day. Many of my friends were in the workplace. As I get older, I find that I like face-to-face interaction with people who know the real me and accept the real me: quiet, funny, serious, nonconfrontational, non-messy, deep thinking. I want to enjoy being around people who allow me to be myself. And I am missing that during this pandemic. 

Also during this pandemic, I am coming to a place that I am not aghast when someone contracts the virus. There is always that question of Where did you pick it up from? What were you doing? But we see the real problem is that this mess is just in the air. It is a bit scary. So I am more compassionate now. That's a good thing. 

So this was my last post of the year concerning my mental state of mind. 

I am doing alright. I am improving. I don't cry as much. I have just decided to just keep moving forward... 

... day after day after day. 

On purpose.

The Last Post of the Year, Part I: I will be Happy for ME

Well, in a few hours, it will be the year 2022. 

I must admit, with all that is going on in the world, I had no idea what my world would look like on December 31, 2021.  But no matter how it went down, my baseline goal is to be alive. . . 

. . .And to be thankful for being alive to see the dawning of a New Year.

So I spent time this week thinking about three different parts of myself, starting from outward and going inward: the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. This post may just be one lonnng post. Or it may be in three parts as three different posts.

The Physical. I have been thinking about this all day. This has been a pretty transformative year for me from a physical point of view. I managed to lose approximately 65-70 pounds this year. I would have never imagined it. I took a chance on a weight loss life coach back in early January, and it worked out pretty well. I dropped off some this past year, so one of my new years goals is to get back on track, and lose more weight. I have managed to keep the weight off, with little fluctuations. But I have a better plan for the new year, and I am always in touch with my problem spots. So that will be the work for the next few months. And I am equipped with the tools to monitor and take care of that. 

I know at the beginning of the year, I made a goal to walk 10 minutes a day. Just 10 minutes a day. I cannot tell you how elated I was to walk that 10 minutes, then surpass it by walking 15 minutes. I mean that was half a mile. A whole half a mile! 

And soon after, I made a goal to just walk a mile a day. This took me a little longer to accomplish. By this time, it was the late winter, and I didn't know if I could make it. Plus, I walk slow, and it was so hard having to watch people walk past me. I felt so slow. I had to get to a point where I pushed past that.

And today, I thought about all of this and how far I have come. Some 11 months later, I am able to walk an average of 3 miles a day. I had a goal of walking at least five days a week, but I easily walk six to seven days a week, especially if the weather is nice (or at least bearable). It is a little harder when it is cloudy. And I have only walked once in the rain, with my umbrella of course. I will have to take the L on that, because I refuse to do that again. But I have always gotten my five days in. And when it's gloomy, I will walk for at least half an hour around my private island, i.e., my kitchen island. 

But that has been good for me, the weight loss and the exercise. A couple times a week, I will walk 4 to 5 miles at a time. It all depends on how my joints are feeling. I have osteoarthritis, so I listen to how I am feeling. If a knee or a hip threatens to start hurting, I head in the direction of my car or my house. The pain is nothing excruciating, but just annoying. The exercise seems to help that. And I challenge myself and walk hills. I wasn't able to do that early on. I make sure there are a few inclines along my walking route on purpose now.  

I was diabetic according to my HA1C numbers, but I have knocked a couple of points off that, so I am not even in the prediabetic range now. That's a good thing. My cholesterol is high, so I am trying to work on that. My primary care doctor whines about this, so much so that I canceled my last appointment. I will continue to work on it and see her again when I figure it out. 

Until then, like I told her... I am going to be happy for ME, even if I am the only one happy for me and my progress. 

I can happy for me... and at the same time, face and work on my challenges. I WILL continue to make progress.  

But nevertheless, I have made a promise to myself:

I will be happy for ME. 

The Raking of Leaves

One thing I cannot stand while walking is a sidewalk full of leaves. 

Here are pictures of one of the sidewalks on my street. 

This always means I have to walk in the road instead of on the sidewalk. And wouldn't you know it, THAT'S when cars decide to turn on the street. So I have to slow down, stand to the side on the leaves, and let the car pass by. Irks me to no end, but whatever. 

I had to let go of the local man who takes care of my leaves and yard in general. He is getting old, and it is just too much for him. The last time he raked my leaves, he knocked on my door and took the money he charges me for doing it. 

But get this... he raked the front yard well enough, but not the back, which had the most leaves. He hid a huge pile of leaves behind my Pam (my spare little car), and blew just enough leaves where he could hide them in the backyard, thinking I would not go back there and look. 

I rarely pay my back yard much mind, but I was out sweeping the garage out (was having some work done in my crawlspace the next day. the crawlspace door is in the garage), and I just happened to look back there.

Hmmm... fooled me good. Just took my money for a half azz job. 

How do you tell me that you don't want to no longer take care of my yard without actually telling me you don't want to take care of my yard?

I guess that is how. So he's out of here. 

Some random local came pedaling by on a bike asking if he could rake my leaves. He said it would take him 4 hours and it would cost me $100-$150.

No Sir. Go away. All I see is you on a bike. I don't see a rake, a lawn mower, a blower... nothing.

I told him I was waiting on another price. I use my sister's lawncare guy now. He and his worker got my yard done in an hour flat. My yard looked like a pretty decent version of something out of Better Homes and Garden. Glory!

That is until more leaves fell the next day. The new lawn guy will be back in a couple of weeks to take care of them. 

And that is what's going on with the leaves in the pictures above, the pictures from the bottom of my street. Once leaves are raked, a whole new batch falls down. And then we have the issue of people just blowing their leaves into the street and down the street, etc. 

I get it. If I had to do it, I would probably do that, too...

Because the number of leaves feels endless. 

Endless. 

And I imagine that was how my old lawn man was feeling. It's just too much. 

So much like I have to navigate around the leaves when making my way down the road, I guess he had to also. 

And I know he probably needed the money. 

I learned a lesson from him. I need to admit to myself when I am struggling... 

But at least I need to be honest about it. 

With others and with myself. 

Food for Thought: Peace and Fire

So I was at my best friend's LadyTee's house, which sits on a few acres of land. And I was admiring the beautiful tree in the front yard.

Look how beautiful that is. Look how green the grass is. It looks like something out of a movie. I know she doesn't get out there and cut all that grass. I mean, every blade looks to be the exact same length.

So when I got of the car and looked near the back of the house, I see this:

Big C was out near the driveway, tending a pile of burning trash.

I was irate.

"Ya'll out here burning trash! Ya'll polluting the air! I'ma call PETA on ya'll!"

"PETA?" Big C shook his head.

"Yeah, PETA!!!"

"Fool, that's the animal rights people!"

"Oh," I said, still irate, but hesitant. "Well, I'ma call the fire people on ya'll!"

He laughed.

"And make sure that fire don't spread to my car!"

He laughed harder.

They live waay out in the country (a half hour from the city, which is "the country" in Atlanta terms). They have been in that house for close to 40 years. And over the years, I have seen flumes of black smoke in the distance, swirling up into the air. People around those parts burn their excess trash.

So I couldn't call anyone. The fire department would've hung up on me.

So I chose to focus on the peaceful serene scene of the tree and green grass...

...instead of the fire.

Friday Food-for-Thought: Of Cheeks and Handclaps

Happy Black History Month!

It is the first day of black history month!

Am I going to give you a black history nugget every day this month?

NO.

That is what facebook, the twitters and the Instagram is for. And I plan to enjoy ALL OF IT.

Today I just have a food-for-thought.

I bought some of that lindors candy a couple months ago, but I didn't eat it all. I have 2 pieces left, and I have just kept them, and I hold them in my hand from time to time.

Why do I do that? Because it reminds me of something.

They are about the size of two typical cotton balls.

But...

They are the size of my nephew Justin's butt cheeks when he was born. He was only 3 pounds, and his butt cheeks could literally fit in the palm of my hand.

I would hold him in the NIC unit and say, "Look at you with your little booty. Your little scoot booty!!"

And that's what I call him to this day.

"Scoot Boooooty!!!!"

(And I plan to embarrass him something awful for the rest of his life. I see myself at a high school graduation yelling "SCOOT BOOTY!!!!!!"

LOL.

Fast forward 17 months. Scoot Booty's butt cheeks no longer fit in the palm of my hand. He looks like a little boy now.

And I notice something about him lately: whenever he does something that he himself thinks is amazing, he yells "YAAAAYY!!" and he claps his hands.

I noticed he does this when someone is cheering him on, or when he's just alone.

I remember him trying to negotiate the stairs at my house, knowing good and well he was not suppose to be on the stairs.

"Boy, get off them stairs!" I hollered.

He looked at me, because he knew he was wrong. And he wants to walk back down the stairs like a big boy. Granted he was only trying to get down one stair. But I watched as he grabbed the rail, thought about grabbing the wall or a nearby box, then thought better of it. He decided to grab the rail and step down carefully.

And when he did, he clapped and yelled "YAAAAAAY!"

"Dude," I said. "What the world are you all happy about? You weren't even suppose to be on the stairs."

He looked at me sideways and went on to focus on something else.

Yesterday when I was in the lab, I set up a sample sequence on an instrument and got it to run like I like. It is an instrument I have been fighting with for a couple of weeks, and it has been just a matter of me being patient and learning something new. (It is too complicated to describe here). It was late, and I was all alone by myself. When I finished, I hollered "Yaaaay!" and I clapped my hands.

Hmmm... I learned something interesting from Scoot-Booty:

Always take time to celebrate yourself.

Even if no one is cheering you on.

Even when no one is looking.

Especially when no one is looking.

It is a good habit to have. It makes the heart glad.

For I am sure we have goals and other things in life we want to accomplish that we don't tell anyone of. You know how people can crush your dreams and thoughts.

So I am learning to celebrate myself, if only for a moment.

I am making sure to take a moment to clap for myself.

Even if no one is around to clap for me.

I am making sure I take time to do this on purpose.

You do the same.

And again, Happy Black History Month.

Just a little something for your Friday. Some mini- food for thought.

Have a great weekend!!!

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day... I'm not sure how many men readers I have, but I like to acknowledge my holidays.

I was looking back at old Fathers Day posts in order to just grab up a picture for today's blog post. I am always pensive and reflective on Mothers and Fathers Day, as these have never been times of celebration, but moreso times of trepidation for me. This has been an odd weekend in that I have found my eyes welling up with tears when watching Fathers day commercials on TV. And it is mostly out of wishing I had experienced all those feelings at some time in my life, and realizing that I haven't. I am not sure why it is causing such an emotional response from me. But it is alright.

I not only came across a picture, but I also came across some thoughts about fathers day that I posted, and it was a blessing and a comfort to read them.

I want to repost those here today on this Fathers day.

(Circa Fathers Day 2014)

This morning, during my journalling time, I spent some time writing about my father. He passed back in September of last year. I have his flag. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I know I

didn't think it was right to pack it away. I thought it should go to his family, but I was urged to take it. It set atop my bookcase, wrapped in plastic wrap for a few months. My best friend LadyTee brought a shadow box for it. I didn't want to set it on my mantle, so now it sits above my kitchen cabinet.

I reconnected with my father when I was 39, after setting a "bucket list" goal to reconnect, i.e., talk to him, when I turned 30. It took 9 years to get the courage up to say something. I was afraid of this man. My mother had said some things about him when I was a child that made me afraid.  There were the occasional times I picked up the phone at my grandmother's house, and it was him calling them to check on me. But it was like talking to a mere stranger. And I had to remember not to pick up the phone when I was over there.

For years I felt so abandoned. There were those thoughts so many of times of "Maybe I would've made better decisions in my life if I had a father to guide me."  I suppose it is worse for a boy/man than a girl/woman.  But I am older now. And I am successful enough. I can't blame things on that. I can't be mad about it. I sometimes look at others with fathers and wish that I had one, just to have someone who cares. But I look at myself, and I am alright. I can't judge my life through the lens of another.

The things I learned over the past few years of rare visits with him are interesting. I looked like him. We had the same sense of humor. We were both very quiet people, and prefer our own company. I am the worst kind of loner, and so was he. I needed to know those things. I appreciate knowing those things. I thank God for allowing me some glimpses into essentially the "why" behind who I am. That means sooooo much to me.

I also recognized in my prayers this morning my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for prayer. Rarely do I talk to people about my issues, but you best believe I talk to God about them. And I am a bit spoiled these days, because prayer is constantly answered. Even the stuff I refuse to pray about. It is so interesting how the Holy Spirit searches the deep recesses of my mind and even takes care of those issues. I feel very much special and very much taken care of and thought about.

Part of my daily prayer for the past 1.5 years, something I posted on the last day of 2014, comes to mind.

Thank you Lord for being the covering you always are.... A covering with no holes and no flaws... all seeing, and all knowing. Thank you for taking care of me in ways I know about and most importantly, in ways I don't know about.

I ponder and meditate on that. I do. And I forever grateful for it.

Those are my thoughts on this Father's Day.

This is one of those times where I am glad to have some 11 years of blog posts. I can go back and read about ME and my heart concerning things.

And that there is worth its weight in gold.

Always. 

Food for Thought: A Fourth Year with Lucy Jr.

So...

It's Lucy Jr.'s FOURTH Birthday.

Happy Birthday LUCY JR.

Hooooooray Lucy Jr.!!

(It is so funny to look at old pictures of my house. It is different color now, lol).

I know you're probably like,  "LadyLee, you're really reaching here. A birthday for a car."

No I'm  not reaching. It's not the car, it's the idea of how the car came about that means much  to my heart.

The original Lucy, which I'd had only a year, was totaled.

Look at the damage.

That is minor, right? So I thought.

Not minor for a 13-year-old car. So the they would have to replace the whole shell of the car, and my insurance company was not down with that.

Never would I have thought that I would stand in the middle of a collision shop and CRY.

I felt so alone at that moment.

And after spending much  time thinking about it, I understood it wasn't about the car. It was about something so much more. I've written profusely about it, bared my soul about it. Much of it boiled down to - I don't have much. I don't have family, I don't' have the american dream (whatever that entails)...

BUT AT LEAST I HAD MY NICE AUTOMOBILE.

I was so deeply inwardly angry about that.  It was that type of anger that I would never discuss with anyone. Mostly because it was a false thought. I have much. I am abundantly supplied in every area of my life.

And it took much thought and prayer just to reconcile my feelings about it all. And at the moment that I understood that everything was going to be okay...

...Lucy Jr. fell out of the sky.

And that's what it felt like.

What really startled me is that I printed the new insurance card for Lucy Jr. I laid both the old and new card down on my desk, and I wanted to make sure I didn't throw the wrong one out. I noticed the VIN numbers were similar. With a little research, I found out that Lucy Jr. had come off of the assembly line right behind the Original Lucy.

That meant SO much to me. So much.

It was as if God was saying that He wanted me to UNDERSTAND beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE made it happen.

I say that because it had 20,000 fewer miles on it. It was $700 cheaper.  It was a much better car, down to the little cosmetic things gone that I didn't care for on Lucy Jr.... and so much more.

One powerful lesson I learned from this: I need to stop doing things within my own power and wait on God to take care of it. Do NOT jump the gun. I see that in so many people around me, including myself. We want something SO bad that we don't wait until the right time  or wait for God's time.  And as a result, things may go wrong... and our hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

So this car is  a symbol of much to me.

Much more than I could write or describe in this post.

So yes...

Happy 4th birthday, Lucy Jr.

You have served me well: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And you have taught me some of the more important lessons of my life.

Food for Thought: Bill is OUT (A Time to Pause)

You know, I would've NEVER thought that Bill O'Reilly would be kicked off of Fox.

But it happened, tho.

The right combination of ingredients made for an interesting recipe on how to get someone booted.

First of all, he was labeled. ALL his business was coming out.

I think what disturbed me was the whole visual of him going off on his wife, grabbing her by the hair, and dragging her down the stairs. And his daughter, according to the divorce papers, saw it all.

Next, it came out that Fox was paying off all those women he sexually harrassed... Wow.

STILL, I thought he would keep his job.

I began to think, "Perhaps there is a problem here" when Auntie Maxine snapped on him for saying her hair looks like a James Brown wig...

Then the women put on their pink p*ssy caps, snatched up their phones, and went gangster on companies who advertised with the show.

(That picture captures their wrath. It looks like "I ain't playing with yo' azz!")

When our beloved President of these wonderful United States stepped up to defend Bill, I thought "Uh, Prez ain't got no credibility, Bill!"

That  ingredient hurt more than it helped.

When it was announced that he was taking a two week vacation, I thought "Oh snap, he's getting fired!"

This was what we called, back when I was in high school, someone getting snatched baldheaded.

In later years, it has been called snatching someone's weave. Or, as the youngsters says now, getting one's edges snatched.

Whatever you call it, we now have the perfect formula of how to kick someone off their throne.

Dude will walk away from this jobs with millions and millions of dollars. He will go on and live happily ever after, never having to work another day in his life if doesn't feel like it.

I think of all of this on a deeper level.

When I see people being all moralistic (is that a word?), I pause.

Correction: when I see someone being all moralistic and constantly shaking their the finger and shaming any and everyone who looks or thinks differently than them, I PAUSE.

(Because there is absolutely nothing with being moral. Nothing at all).

But, when I see this various mix of behaviors (moralistic + judgmental), I pause.

And I wonder...

What will we see...

When we pull back the heavy black curtain from the highly moral and judgmental person's life...

What will we see...

What are they hiding behind that curtain?

What are they hiding in the back corners of their lives?

Because that's always what's going on with people like that.

Pause and look back over some of  these scandals with some celebrities.

Hmmm...

This is just an observation.

And it is a stark reminder for me to be diligent about working on the deep complexities of my own life. Let's face it, we all have them. And it takes a lifetime to work on them. And it's much less painful to pick on people for having issues and struggles than to deal with our own. That's just human nature.

Sounds simple enough. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, it felt alright to see some justice. This last 100 days has been one helluva ride! 

Bye, Bill...

Live your life happily ever after in filthy riches.

And in the constant memory of what went wrong. On purpose.

Food-for-Thought/Quote of the Week: On Being Thankful

So...

I am reading a book right now. Thank and Grow Rich by Pam Grout

I haven't gotten far, but I happen to like this author and I read whatever she writes. This happens to be a book on gratitude and thanksgiving. And those are areas where I'm hoping to experience growth. So I gather a few interesting truths from such books and move on...

I came across a most interesting quote, though. It singed my eyebrows, it did.

"When we don't stop daily to inventory all the gazillion things going right in our lives, the crazy voices in our heads try to make us their bitch." 

O_O

That is a STRONG statement.

But is it true?

I think it is.

I hear more people complaining about life than anything else these days. And I look at some of them and I think to myself...

But you have everything.

Everything. Yet they complain about everything.

No, no one has "everything". And we only see the surface parts of most people's lives, and not the visceral details. But I think we look at others and think that. And we tend to look at ourselves and think less. 


I personally think it is, this complaining, a matter of habit. If you complain all the time, then you just didn't start complaining today... It's probably deep rooted. It's probably been going on for years, decades even.

I have a family member that is a constant complainer. I recognized this when I was 8 years old. How do I remember? I remember because it was the subject matter for the the first time I ever journalled. And that was, albeit 2 sentences, what I journalled about.

I have at times, after to listening to someone complain to no end, asked a hard question.

Name 3 good things that happened today.

I have to ask my ownself that from time to time. I journal every night, and those are always good journalling points. Sometimes I will write out a small paragraph, but more times than not, I will fill up a full page or two with all the great things that happened that very day. And I am thankful for that, because when I go back and read my 30-50 pages of journal entries at the end of each month, there is just soooooooo much good that goes on in my life. So much. And it is such a blessing to record it.

That quote is so much about slowing down and examining life. And not entertaining all that negative. It always amazes me how the negative drowns out the positive. I even think it is more just our culture, just drummed into our thinking to always ponder the negative.

But I want to change that, tho.  And it reminds me of one of the parts of my personal vision statement.

"I am well developed, well matured, and well seasoned in the areas of gratitude and generosity."
I always want to be developing in that direction. Always.


I just thought that was a good quote. It definitely stopped me in my tracks.

And I will be thinking about it for awhile.

Food for Thought: A Chocolate Surprise

Two or three weeks ago, I woke up to some news that there was a new Miss USA. 

And I noticed one thing.

She was African-American.

Yes, there have been African-American winners in the past. I can think of two, most notably Vanessa Williams. She won when I was 14 years old. We were all happy about that, with her being the very first.

But, this morning was different. I didn't have my glasses on, but I noticed that, in my fuzzy nearsighted eyesight, that she was dark.

I grabbed my glasses and jumped out of bed in one huge move. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of my television, a few inches from screen. And I saw that it was what I thought.

"She's chocolate," I whispered. I looked at my forearm, even placing my arm against the screen. "She's dark like me."

I was happy about that. Surprised, but happy.

Why surprised? Because we usually don't see this type of thing. Miss America, Miss USA winners  and the like are usually of the same type: Caucasian with long blond or brunette hair. Now, this may not be the case in the past couple of decades, as I don't even care to watch these shows. In the AA community, we have our own intraracial issues where light-skinned is considered better than dark-skinned. So I hate to say it, but I am not all that interested in watching white women walk across a stage in bathing suits. I decided at an early age that this has to something that men like.

But it surprised me, even as a woman in my mid-forties, that she'd won. I think it is ingrained in my   subconscious... lighter skin is better, and white skin is even better. I know this is not true, but something made me jump up out of bed that morning to look closely at something that wasn't the norm.

With that said, I was happy about it.

And more so, I was happy for some little chocolate girl out there to see someone that looks like herself win a beauty contest.

That does much for her self-esteem so early in life.

Watch What You Say

I see some interesting stuff during my lurk time on Facebook.

I saw something that make me think about thinking about what I say.

Be careful what you say when you are alone.

Because you never know who's listening.

For example:

Man... I bet that chick thinks before she speaks next time.

But this is a reminder of that piece of scripture that says...

Out of the heart, the mouth speaks

Food-For-Thought: On the Last Day of the Year 2015...

On the last day of the year 2015, I reflect on my reflections of the year.

On this day, I have spent time thinking about my personal vision statement. It is my personal thermostat, as in this is where I "set" my vision for myself. I am more than likely not there, but I am moving toward it with each passing day and each passing year.

It is about 7 or 6 years old. But I set it, and just like the thermostat at home, I set it and stop messing with it. Eventually I will get there.

Here it is.

I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me.

Simple enough. Or is it?

I think about it all periodically. I have done well and progressed in some areas, and in others, I am moving along a bit slower. A few years ago, I wrote detailed blog posts on each and every sentence. So let's just say, I think and meditate on this. Deeply.

But when pondering this vision statement, I have realized that I have been thinking about something else these past several months in the latter part of the year. So much so that I have spoken it several times in discussion with people.  It is an answer to a specific question I get a little more often these days.

Why do you do the things you do?

I get this question because some notice how generous I am with people. Heck, I am generous with people around me that I don't particularly like. To me, it is essential as breathing or something. It is just me. And it's nothing major or anything. I have been generous with giveaways on this blog. I find that it is just a matter of establishing a habit, a matter of doing something over and over and over day after day after day.

What is my answer to such a question?

The answer is something that is added to the vision statement above:

I am well developed, well matured, and well seasoned in the areas of gratitude and generosity.

This generates interesting conversations.

Here's my thing: I like to be different from people around me. I like to be able to tell the difference between myself and others. It has gotten to the point that I can't tell one person from the next. We're all breastfed by all the negativity that's going on in the world... Everything from the elections to racism to any and every other injustice. I am around much murmuring and complaining. Constant.

And I want to be able to step away from that. I don't want to constantly judge someone else's life and actions with a magnifying glass while judging my own through rose colored glasses. No indeed.

For surely there has to be something in life to be thankful for.

For surely there must be a way to drown the self-centeredness and grow in generosity towards others.

Surely.

And I spent much time thinking about that. And I know it is on my mind when it comes up in conversations.

As the Bible says... For out of the heart, the mouth speaks.

And that's where I am in my meditation and quiet time. I spend time thinking about that. I think about if and how I complained that day and why. I ask God to catch me at thought level in these matters. I wonder and anticipate every morning about my day...  and how and who will cross my path so that I have opportunities to be a blessing.

I've seen that turned up a notch in my life. And I notice a few things.

You'll never have to worry about me backbiting and gossiping about you.

You'll never have to worry about me bringing you down.

I get joy out of giving a leg up and an arm up. Period.

But I have found a caveat here. A most unexpected caveat.

I probably won't really be bothered for you if it don't involve me being useful in some manner. And I am VERY uncomfortable around complainers, and find I have a tendency to excuse myself to pity parties.

Harsh statement, I know. It bothers me to no end. Because I find that I tend to be to myself a little bit more, if that makes any sense. I have to find a balance of learning to deal with people... for any reason or for no reason at all.

Hmm...

Hence... that's what I am thinking about on the last day of the year 2015.

Oh I wonder, I just wonder what 2016 will bring.

My prayer is for safety and soundness. And to move a few more steps in the direction of my vision statement.

And for that vision statement to grow and deepen, as it did this past year.

To go on...

Not by default, but by design...

And on purpose. 

Ten Tuesday Thougts

Now...

How on earth did YOU let me go a whole week without posting anything?

I blame YOU.

LOL. No I don't. I have been busy. I had to write some reports that were due this very moment. I am done with that and I am idle!

(Only for a few moments, though. Back to the lab!)

Not before I kick my 10 Tuesday thoughts, though.

1. It is a dreary day in the ATL. And it's not hot. Good for me. And good for my light bill.

2. My sister is still here. She's still waiting on that work visa. There are some islamic holidays right now, so forget about it. I know she's ready to go, but I like having her here. And my prayer has been God don't let her go until it is time for her to go. Amen. 

3. My work group has a standing 9:00 am meeting every Tuesday. There's nothing worse than rushing to work for a meeting and the meeting is canceled. I always initially think Dang, I could've stayed in bed a little longer. But the good side of this is that I get to leave at 5 pm today. I hate traffic, but I live only 4.6 miles from my job so an extra 5 minutes spent in traffic is cool.

4. I was moving so fast this morning that I neglected to bring lunch. Sigh. So I need to walk to get something. This would be great if it wasn't a nasty icky rainy day outside. This limits my choices. Can't walk too far!

5. I mailed out the 10th bloggaversary sweepstakes prizes to the winners last week. If you haven't gotten your gift cards, you better say something! Say something if you have, also. I've only heard from 2 people. So the other 3 better say something! I have the tracking info... guess I better sit down and plug all the tracking info in.

6. I hate admitting it, but I don't like when I call about my mortgage or credit card and I'm clearly speaking to someone who is in India. I hate not understanding what they are saying. I wish I could talk to someone who spoke clear english with no accent. Better yet, I wish so many jobs weren't outsourced.

7. My boss was telling me how he ate butter sandwiches as a child and how good they were. Sir, they may have been good, but that meant you were poor as hell.

8. He said they sprinkled seasoning salt on the sandwiches. I said you were still poor... with a little flair.

9. I tell myself often that I live in astonishing abundance. Astonishing.

10. I saw a documentary the other day that made me think this is true. It was a documentary about how the media shapes how we think about everything. They literally shape our perspectives on a subliminal level.  If you don't think this is true, sit down with a refugee who has had to grab up their family and run for their lives with nothing but the clothes on their back.

Sit down with them and tell them your money problems, personal problems,etc...

And you're realize just how silly you sound and how rich you are... 

I live in a nice house. And I can control the temperature of that house. I can store food at the temperature I like. I can pick the clothes I want to wear every day. I can wash my clothes and dry them in machines. I have a phone in my house. I can choose which car I want to drive.

I could go on... and on. But I won't.

I read in a book last year that someone in a third world country can't tell the difference between you and Bill Gates.

Hmmm.... take a moment and let that one marinate.

Leaving you with a little food for thought, eh?


With that said, have a great Tuesday... an astonishingly great Tuesday.

Food for Thought: Jealousy and Envy (Batter Up!)

Here's another food-for-thought journal entry just for you.

Names have been changed to protect the blessed.

From June 5, 2015

"Jane" contacted me via text last night. She wanted help with picking out some decorations for her place. I thought she should ask "Susan" about it. It had me feeling some kind of way.  I am fighting jealousy or envy. It's like a spider-spun silk thread in my mind.  But we know how strong spider spun silk is. I refuse to let that grow. It will be alright. 

I must remember that jealousy and envy are indicative of inner issues that are not tied to others directly. Interaction with others only bring it out. I have to set my mind to not deal with being at the forefront. Whatever that means. I have to examine my inner self. I find sometimes that I have the desire to belong. I belong to God, and this should be good enough. It is the pinnacle. it is like the summit of Mount Everest. Everything is beneath that. Favor with God causes favor with others, as God directs. Acceptance by others is NOT the same as having favors with others. They are similar, but not the same. I must try to understand that. 

The thing that touches this off FACEBOOK and TWITTER. I will see something and feel the wrong way in my heart. It is only for a moment though. Very fleeting. But I must do more to combat that moment. Hit it with a bat repeatedly, killing it. The Word and what God says about me is the bat. Hit with that bat, i.e., encourage myself. 

I am NOT an afterthought. I am a thought in the forefront of God's mind. I am a container and He uses me quite well. I am a container in God's palace and He uses me for specific purposes. He loves me. He also pours into me, this container I am. He edifies me. On purpose. He loves me. I must always remember that He loves me.

That entry is chock full of interesting fodder. First of all, I was going to post only the portion that starts "I am fighting jealousy and envy..." down to the end of that paragraph. That's a enough there to blog on.

I don't consider myself a jealous person. I don't consider myself an envious person.  But I recognize the thoughts that come, if only for a split second, yet disappear like a puff of smoke. . No, they don't stay around that long. It is fleeting, sort of like catching something in your peripheral vision, then looking in that direction and saying "I thought I saw something over there." Yet it was only a phantom, a shadow. Maybe it was just something imagined.

Or maybe it was real. And if not addressed it will run up and grab hold of you and and won't let go.

That is the fear.

As I said in the journal entry above, it's like a spider-spun silk thread. It's barely noticeable, and if you are anything like me, you've run straight into it, and if people see you from afar, it looks like you're fighting air.  They don't see the thread. But you see it. You feel it. And you do whatever you can to free yourself from it.

I learned about jealousy and envy awhile ago. My pastor gave a good sermon on it, and it has stuck with me.

Jealousy is looking at someone and having an attitude about them or something they have.

Envy is looking at that something they have... and going forward to destroy it.

That's just an angle of jealousy and envy, as there are other more profound ways of looking at it. But that was an interesting way of looking at it. And simple enough for me to remember.

So, let's use reader Sasha for example. Sasha just bought a new 2015 Mercedes. That $100,000 one.

Here I come around the corner. Instead of celebrating with her, I say in my mind. ... "Look at Sasha. She think she all that. Just 'cause she got a brand new car. She ain't all that. Who she thank she is? Sasha think she better than us."

I am jealous. I even concoct some notion in my mind where I imagine Sasha thinks she is better than us all. That's not the case. I am the projector, Sasha is the screen. I'm projecting my personal internal issues on to her.

The problem is that envy takes things a step further. I'm still seething with jealousy over Sasha's beautiful car. And don't let it get well rooted, i.e, don't get me to go finding Laura, Moe, and Gina and start talking bad about how Sasha thinks she is all that, thinking she better about US all.

Like I said, envy takes things a step further...

"There go ol' Sasha's pearl gray custom Benz in the parking lot. Humph."

I go over to her car and walk around it. I look around to see who else is looking around.

I pull out my keys and key her car up.

And it felt good.

I key it up a couple more times. Then I run like hell... because I don't want nobody to catch me doing it, yous see. I may even pull out my big knife and slash a tire... or two.

And don't let me light this match... 

Jealousy is hating what Sasha has. Envy is causing destruction to what Sasha has.

Awful.

So imagine my writing something kin to this in my journal. It disturbed me. I don't want to feel this way. Even if for a fleeting moment.

And as you can see, this happens when I look at Facebook and Twitter. I am ashamed to admit, even if it's a fleeting thought. Sometimes it gets hard to constantly read about people's "perfect" lives. And I know that's not always the case. No one's life is perfect. And anyway, social media is more like:

Yeah. The real life portion is what no one talks about.

So when I see jealousy and envy in my peripheral vision, I have to hit it. "There's fleeting whispers in my head of 'I wish I could do that... I wish I had friends like that... etc."  I have to hit it, hit it fast and hit it hard. Bust it up a proverbial bat. Hit it with some scripture or something. Simply put, I must encourage myself. And I do that well. It didn't phase me when I spent the next few paragraphs, and they were chock full of positive things. I felt better afterwards.

The whole "afterthought" statement: I'd been writing "I'm not an afterthought" in big bold block angry letters at the top of my pages in late May. It's funny going back and looking at it.

Day 1: I AM NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT
Day 2: NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT
Day 3: I AM STILL NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT
Day 4: I AM NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT TODAY EITHER. NOPE.
Day 5: I WILL NEVER BE AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

I'd been blown off by 3 different people that month (when it came to plans). Correction: I FELT like I'd been blown off. It may or may not have been the case. It was the feeling. I, like everyone else, act on my fleeting feelings. Compound that with my tendency to keep my feelings and opinions to myself, and my passive-aggressive nature rears its head. Strong. (I have to write about this afterthought stuff. Found a whole nother entry on that).

I attack this type of thing. Personally. Aggressively. I rarely talk about it. It bothered me to the point that I make a double set of plan. If we make plans, and it didn't pan out, and you didn't think to convey it to me... let's just say that I had a whole nother set of plans... and I had a great time.

But the key here is I automatically come back with a spiritual bat and hit thoughts that don't line up with where I want to go or who I want to be. I am well practiced at that. Who wants this stuff to get rooted.

I can't stop birds from flying over my head, but I can keep them from building their nests in my hair.

Really though.

I see from that journal entry that I spend time thinking about being a container.

2 Timothy 2:20-21 MES In a well furnished kitchen there are not only crystal goblets and silver platters, but waste cans and compost buckets - some containers used to serve fine meals, others to take out garbage. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guest for their blessing. 

I wrote about that in another post. I've been gnawing and chewing on for a few months now for close to a year, and much good juice comes from it. It creeps up in my mind exactly when I need it... and even when I don't.

I've also learned to celebrate people's successes. I spend time thanking God for them and blessing their lives also. I will make sure to go up to them and congratulate them on their achievement. I may even do something for the person. It is wonderful that has become my automatic way of doing things.

That drives jealousy and envy away.

It is a big bat that knocks jealousy and envy right out of the ol' ball park.

And I am all too thankful for that.

Food-for-Thought: Days Full of Worth (Pregnant)

#6 on my list of 22 Tuesday Thoughts on Journalling was the following:

I am very good at encouraging myself.

Why?

Well, why not?  Who best to encourage myself than my own self?

I got a job promotion in February. As a matter of fact, it took effect a couple of days after my birthday. So I was excited about that. Not so much excited about the job promotion, but I was elated about the fifteen things that happened surrounding it. THAT's what made it great. I know God has something to do with things like that when the over and beyond happens. So, not one thing came to pass, but the "perfecting" of it came to past, i.e., all the necessary pieces, all the concerns, get taken care of in one swoop. GLORY.

So... like I said, I'm good at encouraging myself. I speak or meditate on the following statement quite often.

I am a formidable employee. I am excellent. I am an EXPERT!

That has been my confession for most of this year. Not too much time goes by without thinking about that statement. I wrote it here because I saw it sprinkled throughout the pages of  my journal. In all it's simplicity, it meant a great deal to me. I'd been trying to come up with a confession and I wrote that out.

But I came across something else  in my journal, written on June 27,2015. 

"It has been such a mental exercise to have faith and not be afraid concerning this stuff [job promotion]. Really, I just want to do well. But there is always that dark strand of thread that runs like a ticker tape through my mind, that same ol' societal shit: I am black, I don't  know nothing. It is far from the truth, though, as far as the west is from the east. It is not true. But I have to fight it. I have to knock it down. It is NOT true. Knock down the fiction with TRUTH and faith. 

"No worthless days. Only days full of worth. And I am immense worth to God."

I got that while praying this morning. Must be direct from the Holy Spirit. Why do I say that? Because it is a pregnant statement. Such a PREGNANT statement.  It is alive and kicking, birthed out. It has so much life in it. That is the only way to describe it... full of life, life-giving. When the Holy Spirit counsels and comforts, it is truly that: COMFORT. And that above is a comforting statement. It is from Someone who knows my past, present and future.  Yes, that's what's up."  

No worthless days. Only days full of worth. And I am of immense worth to God. 

'Tis a great statement, as it does what it's suppose to do: encourage, edifies, and brings about peace. It's like a new piece of chewing gum. I will be chewing on it for awhile, and it will never lose flavor. (It's better than chewing on this "ol' societal sh**" fed to us by the media.  I am a tad bit O_O over my placing a cuss word in a journal entry gone spiritual. I must've really been in a state of angst that day.  This reminds me that I've been watching too much news from a media that has nothing much good to say about a person of my... complexion. And that seed tends to take root in the heart. And it needs to be dug up and discarded).

For some reason, that statement of "no worthless days" resonated with me. It came up in prayer, and I'd been writing it across the top of the pages of my journal entries in big bold block letters for a few days prior to writing about it on June 28th. It was something I needed at the day and time. It was like a sledgehammer, breaking up my annoyance and frustration.

I rarely tell people when I'm feeling frustrated. The reason behind that is purely subconscious, as I was always punished for having an opinion.  So as a child, I learned it was best to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. As a result, things get held inside. It's the worse stronghold ever, its claws stuck some 40 years deep in my heart, affecting my life in ways I don't care to discuss here. This is a delicate and fragile idiosyncrasy in my life. I have friends that know the total arc of me, and they don't mind dragging my feelings and emotions out. They don't punish me for having them, even if said feelings differ from the norm (which is usually the case). But just same, if you get me to share and talk, it's on the same level of seeing a UFO. It is a rarity. And it is the reason why I journal prolifically.

But sometimes work gets to me, and I tend to get highly annoyed (circa #15 on my list). I think something must've happened around the time I wrote the journal entry that pissed me off.  I get annoyed about the "stuck-uppiness" of us Ph.Ds (which I try hard not to play into), and I think there was a bit of angst over a project I'm working on. (Project's pretty much done since then. *church shouts*). So there's a bit of frustration here and there, even though I like my job and I have a cool boss. I must, however, encourage myself in my times of deflation.

I've been chewing on the "No worthless days" statement. It's pregnant. It births good emotional and mental fruit. I'll be thinking about it for a long time to come.

My days ARE full of worth. If we pay close attention, all of our days are. Feelings ebb and flow like the waves, but my worth is constant and consistent, especially to God.

I am very good at encouraging myself.

Most importantly, God is great at encouraging me. 

With thoughts of the encouragement populating my mind, how could I ever remain in a state of deflation. 

The answer is... I can not.

The Pain of Judgment

I have to warn you right now that I have been way deep into the deeper parts of my morning pages and highlighting eyebrow raising epiphanies. These are more "spiritual" than not. Not religious, as I fail miserably at religion. I'm not your perfect "church folk" type of person. I am looking for relationship. I am looking to trust in God. That's my angle. So over the next few days, for bloggaversery purposes, we gonna post up some thought-provoking entries.


So I woke up one morning and saw this:

 I was shocked. Not in the way that you think one would be shocked, though. I was more in the vein of, man... I thought they were voting on marriage equality in one or two states. Not nationwide. I don't keep up with political issues too much. This was a countrywide issue. WOW.

My reaction is not outrage. It is not yippee, either. (since I'm not gay, I'm not sure why I should be cartwheeling in the streets). I do remember saying over the past couple of years in various discussions. Man listen... LBGT is knee deep in money, and they have lobbyists. They will get there issues passed.

We discussed and discussed over hot cups of coffee or in passing. Then voila. It's the law of the land. And us religious folks are all up in arms about it. I am a bit O_o behind that.

It rubs me the wrong way... all that judgment, that is.

And it's one of the reasons why I just don't care for "religion". When I think of religion, I think judgment. I think legalism. I fail at religion, i.e., the rules and regulations... and the judgment.

Come on now, here is the problem. We don't live in a Theocracy. The bible is not law of the land.  We would all be failing miserably at it. There are 10 commandments and over 600 laws there.

 And if you break one, you break them all. It is daunting. I have been divorced. I've fornicated to the heights of fornicaticity. I've lied, cheated, stole, been adulterous, eaten shellfish and pork... all kinds of stuff. In other words, instead of finger pointing, I need to go sit down in a corner and face the wall... and shut up.

Not sure why people are judging. It's the law of the land. And if you don't like it, don't go marry anyone of the same sex. Period. Leave people alone.

You're awful, LadyLee, you may think. No I am not. I choose not to judge folks. Or, at least I work on trying not to judge folks. Trust me, it's an ongoing job to work towards not being judgmental. And I I don't want to be a Pharisee.

I thought about how, over the years, I've sat and talked to gay friends and coworkers. And since we are friends, they allow me to ask questions, because you have to admit, this is different. I mean,  I can't imagine looking at another woman with desire.  That is beyond me.  I've written about my Uncle Olin and his man of thirty plus years Otis. I was a child, and would never ask them questions. But I have asked questions of others.

I remember working with a man who'd been married twice to women, but he had chosen to be with a man. And he was happy. And you know me, I asked a bunch of questions. And he answered them all. I had a chance, at a young age (I think I was 21 or 22), to just sit and listen to his story. To this day, I admire his honesty.  I have had conversations with friends who have had similar experiences and much different ones. I have had to console friends in same-sex abusive relationships (which really boggled my mind.I have been sitting there listening and thinking... Ain't no way no chick gonna beat my tail. (I cleaned that thought WAY up for you)). I've seen plenty of situations. And I thought about all that, all these conversations over the years.

With that in mind, it has never crossed my mind to stand and point my finger and judge. It is what it is. A people fought for their rights and won. Period.

However, they still have to hide. You can get fired if you're homosexual. I work with some closeted folks. We all know they are who they are, but it will never be uttered. There is no federal law to protect people against that.

I am thinking about all this because I came across an enlightening diary entry. I can't say I prayed much about this, but I prayed more about why there was so much visceral hate from Christian people. Seems like we should be operating differently.

The answer was a simple one, but complex.  I made sure to write it down:

"It's much more difficult to walk in love toward people than to walk in hate."

Harsh, but true. It is difficult to sit our personal beliefs/philosphies aside (although they aren't really being set aside), and treat people in a way that we wish to be treated.  That is HARD.

On the morning of June 28th, I woke up and was melancholy. I thought it was because I had been watching so much news and had been watching the squabbling over this subject matter. It was such an assault on my psyche, and so depressing. So I spent time writing about it all. 

Much more intriguing is something else I wrote...

"One of my core philosophies is that I will never push what I believe for myself off on anyone else. Never. It is one thing to sit here and have thoughts about someone's life and choices, but to act out and judge them over it?  That is too much for me. One thing that I truly appreciate is that the Holy Spirit catches me at thought level. And He speaks concerning that particular thought. I SO appreciate it because I gain so much understanding. I will always appreciate the concern, care, and teaching moments in life. They are high in my memory, and I must say that it give me comfort to know that the Holy Spirit can tap me on the spiritual shoulder and say 'Hey, let me talk to you about something... '".

 Yes, I appreciate that. You will never know how much I get out of making a correction. And stuff I've been struggling with for years gets taken care of quickly. Not sure if you have had that experience, but I have.

But a much more intriguing question came up. I came across it while reading my entry for the same day. I've been pondering the question for the past month, and I will be thinking about it for awhile.

"Something interesting came to mind.  And I think it is from the Holy Spirit, simply because of its profoundness. If left alone, with no one to look at and judge, how would you feel about yourself? How would you deal with the pain and discomfort even of having only your own deep rooted personal issues and business to tend to? With only your ownself and actions to judge?"

Hmm... how profound is that? How uncomfortable is that?

How scary and painful is that?

Like I said, that has been heavy on my heart and in my prayers.  I'm still trying to understand the breadth and depth of that. It is layered. Highly layered. And it's on my mind when I watch the news or listen to people around me, even. The finger is always pointed. "You're gay!" "You're a different race!" You're tall!" You're too short!"  "You're fat!" "You're skinny!"

In other words you're different than me. Your beliefs differ from mine. You aren't the same race as me. On and on and on.

What happens if one becomes well seasoned in judging oneself... rather than being so quick to judge another?

I dream of that level of maturity.

I myself am still working on that one.

Always and forever.

TWENTY-TWO Tuesday Thoughts... on Journalling.

 Oh my...

22 Tuesday Thoughts??

Yes.

10 wasn't enough, and I kept going.  And going.  And going.

Until I got to 22.  And it's cool that it worked out that way, especially since it's such a limited topic. But I've gone back and read my journal entries over the last couple of months and the trends have generated many a thought. Might as well write it all down, right? 

So here we go. Warning: it's a lot.


1. My ultimate goal: Do my "morning pages" every day for a year.

2. I have been working on this since December 24th, 2014. I am up to around page 450. If I did this right, I would have some six to seven hundred pages right now.

3. I should be doing three pages a day. But after spring forward, i.e., turning the clock forward one hour in the spring, that stopped. I couldn't wake up early enough, and I haven't really recovered. My average journal entry is 2 full college ruled pages a day. I find that three pages is best. I am more apt to be honest with myself. There is  more revelation, too.

4. I tell you one thing I know for sure: I am thoroughly aware beyond a shadow of a doubt what goes on just beneath my emotional skin. That's good, but it's also very painful. But I am thankful that I can put a proverbial mirror up to face and right about it.

5. I am way too much aware of my bad habits. It's like a thin thread, a dark theme that weaves throughout the full 450 pages.

6. I am very good at encouraging myself.

7. There are several instances of things I am concerned about or wonder about in the very back recesses of my mind, and I notice that those things get answered or cleared up, usually within a very short period of time.

8. Favorite verse that I write about (to encourage myself, no less): Psalms 138:8 God perfects those things that concern me. That means calm down, God got this. What's crazy interesting is that He takes care of stuff that concerns me that I don't even know concern me. That's a hard sentence to understand, but let it marinate for a few days. You'll get it.

9. I get depressed during my PMS time. And I spend time writing about being depressed and not knowing why. Then suddenly, Aunt Flo knocks at the door and barrels through with her suitcase. All of a sudden, it's like a dark cloud being lifted from around my head. And I can see the marvelous sun, lol. But it's quite interesting to go back and read and see the trends and how dark my writing will get. It had me all O_o.

10. I spend more time journalling than I care to about work-related concerns. There are good-sized paragraphs on what kind of technical instrument maintenance I need to do, and what paper I need to read, etc. I don't like that, as it feels like a waste of paper. But since it's on my mind, it's good to write about it. What is fascinating is how much I write the words I can't wait to get to work today.

11. My journaling time habit: from around 7:00 am to 8:00 am. I'm usually laying across the bed writing. I spend about 20% of the time trying to do the right thing and journal at my dining room table.

12. If I'm too sleepy, I misspell words and my handwriting looks like that of a serial killer. It tends to look the worse kind of chicken scratch.  So I make sure to get up and walk around or splash some water on my face if that's happening.

13. Mitch is fascinated with my ink pen and he likes to place his backside on my paper. It is quite disturbing.

14. I am rarely angry about anything. I think that got squashed once I heard the quote Anger is an expression of fear. My pastor said if you're angry, spend time on the root,  i.e., the fear. As a result, I spend much time with the question Why am I afraid?

15. I find  that I get highly "annoyed".

16. What's so interesting about being annoyed is that I spend time thinking and writing about my part in the annoyance and solutions to the dissipation of it. And that's a good thing.

17. I find that I keep a great record of all the goodness in my life.  A TON of folks pass through my life and bless me. I can hardly keep up, but it is good to record it all. I didn't realize how much my cup runneth over until I started writing about it. I tell you one thing: it's like throwing a huge bucket of water on the fire called murmuring and complaining.

18. I always journal with a good waterproof pen, because there are pages where my tears have fallen and the letters of the words bleed.

19.  My gal Val (Serenity_23) over at Living My Faith read in a book that your written prayers are stronger than your spoken prayers. She and I chit-chat alot, and she keeps a very detailed and immaculate prayer journal.  That stuff comes to past like crazy. So I went back and looked around at some of my written prayers throughout my morning pages. I was wondering why when I wrote a prayer down (which was always rare) that the turnaround on it is super fast, sometimes being  answered only a few hours later. Hmm...  Gal Val's reading is not only good for her, but good for me. Keep sharing with me, chick!  Because your girl is listening really close.

20. I keep wondering... how much will I understand about myself after a 1000 pages of journaling? Only time will tell.

21. Despite my pockets of unbridled ratchetness, I pontificate and think about spiritual things 90% of the time. That is good I suppose. But I always wonder how much my ratchetness affects me. Hmm.

22. I am happiest when I am sowing seed. I write a ton about that. I didn't realize how much seed I sow (and things as little as a positive compliment I count as seed). And I figured out that it all comes back to me double or even triple. How awesome is that? And that's not the reason I do it.  I just want it to be an ingrained habit. I want it to be like a tattoo on skin.  Does that make sense?

Wow. That was a doozy. 22 Tuesday thoughts. A world record for me.  And I learned much about myself.

And it was fun. 

Food For Thought: Today's Lunch. A Simple Salad.

So here's today's lunch offering: A simple salad.

That's my usual lunch some 80% of the time. This lunch is not much different. There's some baby spring greens, mango, cucumbers, baby peppers and fresh strawberries. I even sprinkled a few chopped maple roasted walnuts on top. Good stuff.

Oh and today, I took a ride on the wild side: I had a little macaroni salad.

I picked that up last week from the local supermarket. I was cleaning out the refrigerator last night and there was a little left in the container. It's only two or three forkfuls, but hey, I'm working on not wasting food.

Today's salad is small. On purpose. Why? Because I have such a hard time finishing it up. Most times, I make a big salad in the mornings. I get all excited about getting my raw produce for the day. But there have been a few times that I haven't been able to eat my whole salad. I would have as much as a third to a half of it left over.  And when I do, I tend to save it for the next day. But I can count about 5 times in the last couple of years that I just threw it out.

I don't like when that happens. Yes, it's only been a handful of times that it happened. The amount is negligible really. But I buy mostly organic produce, and it gets expensive at times.

So I offer to share with people. Of course I hear the screams of "Girl, ain't nobody trying to eat no salad!" 

I can understand that!

But these days, if I feel my salad is too big, or that I'm not really in the mood for it, there's someone near me, in a cubicle diagonally across from mine, who is a vegetarian.  We'll  just call him Bob.

"Bob, you wanna share my salad?"

"Sure," he says.

I did the same thing yesterday. We were looking at his meal of green beans and some type of navy beans. Now the last time he cracked open his lunch, it smelled so good that us ladies had him dialing up his wife immediately and getting her to relay the recipe. But this day, it looked like he had put his lunch together himself...

He had what he had and a little of my salad and he was all good. And I was too! 

So now, I can share my salad with someone, and it doesn't go to waste. I give it to him before I even touch it and he gets some and gives it back, only if he wants it. At least nothing goes to waste.

It's a small thing. But it means a lot for me.

Seed sown. (And you know how I feel about seed, fruit, trees, and roots).

I get creative when I sow seed. It ain't always about money. No. That would drive me batty. And it gives me opportunity to work on my selflessness.

This is on my mind because I am constantly thinking about sowing. I once told someone that if I could sow HOURLY, I would.  And I like to be creative. Sowing could be a nice compliment and other intangibles. Or even sharing my lunch with someone.

I was talking about this with a couple of folks. We were talking about my sister, who I think is the most compassionate person on the planet. I was telling them that unlike her, I have to work on it. I guess it helps being some kin to her. I have to work on it, but she has always been that way. I am just now getting to the point now that it's just my automatic. And that's what I want.

And sometimes it starts with today's lunch... the sharing of a simple salad.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Lucy Jr.

Lucy Junior...

Happy Lucy Junior.

Lucy Junior is 2 years old today.

No, she is much older. She's 16 years old to be exact.

But she's been in MY hands for 2 years. The Original Lucy was totaled. A tow truck driver hit me. It was his fault, but I got the ticket. (Lord knows I was not going to argue with a cop over that. That ticket was dismissed. Yes and amen).

And Lucy Jr... she means so much to me. Not materially, but on a symbolic and spiritual level.

Wrecking the Original Lucy, and having her totaled and turning her over to the insurance company broke me up in ways that's just hard to describe. I've written posts on it, but it my initial responses to the whole thing just knocked me sideways. My immediate response was being thankful that I wasn't hurt. And I sowed a seed at the scene of the accident. I was proud of that. It was my automatic response. But over a weeks time, when I was alone with my thoughts, I was just mentally and physically choked up. And if you know me or have met me, I'm one of the most nonmaterialistic people you will EVER meet. Ever. I have NO designer stuff. The car was designer, a Coach edition, like the designer bags. I always joked that a strap could be put on my car and a dinosaur could carry it as a purse, lol.

So why was the loss of this car bothering me? Afterall, it was JUST a car. I had another car. I spent much time thinking about it. I even wrote a post or two about it, once I got a little distance from it.  God had to really deal with me concerning some things I was thinking about.  He had to help my heart on a deeper level. I was so grateful for that.

Then He did something I know for a fact was all Him.  Lucy Junior showed up out of nowhere. She pretty much fell out the sky. Shocked my socks off...

Yeah, it's just a car.

But...

Lucy Junior was sitting in a kind lady's carport. I caught the car around 15 minutes after it was put up on the website. I remember thinking "Where that come from? And it looks JUST like my car."

There was no serial number. I sent an immediate email asking for the VIN number and I ran it through an auto site. It came up clean, but with low miles. (I remember telling Cowgirl Cre "The car been sitting. This chick been in jail!").

I called her up, and we went on a 15 minute test drive and we had a good cleansing talk. She don't know it, but she was the final point in resolution of my deep emotional issues concerning this car. Heck, I didn't even have to buy the car, as I thought THAT talk was the reason why she and I met. (God sho do send some interesting people across my path to help me.)  I remember praying about how I had felt SO much better after the talk. It was like some type of weight or heaviness had been lifted. I felt alright, even if I didn't buy the car.

She said "I have no idea why I put this car up for sale."

I do. It was destined to be mine. At that moment. That's a church shout right there within itself, when you think of the gravity of the statement.

Hmmm.

Lucy Junior is a MUCH better car than the Original Lucy. She had only 84,000 miles on her, 20,000 miles less than the Original Lucy. All the little cosmetic stuff that bothered me about the Original Lucy was not on Lucy Jr.

Hmm...

Lucy Junior came off the assembly line directly AFTER the Original Lucy. What are the chances of getting the next special edition lexus in the series without looking for it?

Hmmm...

I was cleaning up one day and found an old rolled up vision board. It was in the closet or in a box, I don't remember. It was from 2008. I unrolled it and took a look at it... Lucy Junior is the car on the vision board... NOT the original Lucy.

All this is interesting. And it has changed the way I look at things, that's for sure. I can really tell when God do some things, because they are WAY over and above what I can even think... and when I do things out of my own performance. Two totally different things.

Every time I sit in Lucy Junior, I think about this things. That's 2 years of a lot of thinking. I spent a lot of time trying to understand such things, even doing a lot of reading last year, because I really want to understand some of the "And suddenlies" that go on in my life.

Lucy Junior is always a reminder of those things. I'm not as shocked when such things happen to me now. I have learned to expect and receive and follow through.

Amen.

So I just wanted to write a little commemorative post. I've been thinking about it in my quiet time for the past week. The purchase was 2 years in the past, but it stays on my mind. The lesson of Lucy Junior is amazing, if only in my own heart.

Happy Birthday Lucy Junior.  You're more than transportation.

You're a constant reminder of what's truly important.