Food-for-Thought: Days Full of Worth (Pregnant)

#6 on my list of 22 Tuesday Thoughts on Journalling was the following:

I am very good at encouraging myself.

Why?

Well, why not?  Who best to encourage myself than my own self?

I got a job promotion in February. As a matter of fact, it took effect a couple of days after my birthday. So I was excited about that. Not so much excited about the job promotion, but I was elated about the fifteen things that happened surrounding it. THAT's what made it great. I know God has something to do with things like that when the over and beyond happens. So, not one thing came to pass, but the "perfecting" of it came to past, i.e., all the necessary pieces, all the concerns, get taken care of in one swoop. GLORY.

So... like I said, I'm good at encouraging myself. I speak or meditate on the following statement quite often.

I am a formidable employee. I am excellent. I am an EXPERT!

That has been my confession for most of this year. Not too much time goes by without thinking about that statement. I wrote it here because I saw it sprinkled throughout the pages of  my journal. In all it's simplicity, it meant a great deal to me. I'd been trying to come up with a confession and I wrote that out.

But I came across something else  in my journal, written on June 27,2015. 

"It has been such a mental exercise to have faith and not be afraid concerning this stuff [job promotion]. Really, I just want to do well. But there is always that dark strand of thread that runs like a ticker tape through my mind, that same ol' societal shit: I am black, I don't  know nothing. It is far from the truth, though, as far as the west is from the east. It is not true. But I have to fight it. I have to knock it down. It is NOT true. Knock down the fiction with TRUTH and faith. 

"No worthless days. Only days full of worth. And I am immense worth to God."

I got that while praying this morning. Must be direct from the Holy Spirit. Why do I say that? Because it is a pregnant statement. Such a PREGNANT statement.  It is alive and kicking, birthed out. It has so much life in it. That is the only way to describe it... full of life, life-giving. When the Holy Spirit counsels and comforts, it is truly that: COMFORT. And that above is a comforting statement. It is from Someone who knows my past, present and future.  Yes, that's what's up."  

No worthless days. Only days full of worth. And I am of immense worth to God. 

'Tis a great statement, as it does what it's suppose to do: encourage, edifies, and brings about peace. It's like a new piece of chewing gum. I will be chewing on it for awhile, and it will never lose flavor. (It's better than chewing on this "ol' societal sh**" fed to us by the media.  I am a tad bit O_O over my placing a cuss word in a journal entry gone spiritual. I must've really been in a state of angst that day.  This reminds me that I've been watching too much news from a media that has nothing much good to say about a person of my... complexion. And that seed tends to take root in the heart. And it needs to be dug up and discarded).

For some reason, that statement of "no worthless days" resonated with me. It came up in prayer, and I'd been writing it across the top of the pages of my journal entries in big bold block letters for a few days prior to writing about it on June 28th. It was something I needed at the day and time. It was like a sledgehammer, breaking up my annoyance and frustration.

I rarely tell people when I'm feeling frustrated. The reason behind that is purely subconscious, as I was always punished for having an opinion.  So as a child, I learned it was best to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. As a result, things get held inside. It's the worse stronghold ever, its claws stuck some 40 years deep in my heart, affecting my life in ways I don't care to discuss here. This is a delicate and fragile idiosyncrasy in my life. I have friends that know the total arc of me, and they don't mind dragging my feelings and emotions out. They don't punish me for having them, even if said feelings differ from the norm (which is usually the case). But just same, if you get me to share and talk, it's on the same level of seeing a UFO. It is a rarity. And it is the reason why I journal prolifically.

But sometimes work gets to me, and I tend to get highly annoyed (circa #15 on my list). I think something must've happened around the time I wrote the journal entry that pissed me off.  I get annoyed about the "stuck-uppiness" of us Ph.Ds (which I try hard not to play into), and I think there was a bit of angst over a project I'm working on. (Project's pretty much done since then. *church shouts*). So there's a bit of frustration here and there, even though I like my job and I have a cool boss. I must, however, encourage myself in my times of deflation.

I've been chewing on the "No worthless days" statement. It's pregnant. It births good emotional and mental fruit. I'll be thinking about it for a long time to come.

My days ARE full of worth. If we pay close attention, all of our days are. Feelings ebb and flow like the waves, but my worth is constant and consistent, especially to God.

I am very good at encouraging myself.

Most importantly, God is great at encouraging me. 

With thoughts of the encouragement populating my mind, how could I ever remain in a state of deflation. 

The answer is... I can not.