For my birthday: THE GREAT INTROSPECTION... Feb. 7, 2006 - Feb 7, 2007

February 7, 1970 was the day I was born.

11:19 p.m. at SWATS Hospital. (I am pure ATLien, babes!)

Sigh... I am 37 years old today. Oh My!!!!

I thought I would do something a little different for my birthday this year post-wise. This birthday has me getting a little introspective. It has me thinking about things that I have realized about myself in the 36th year of my wonderful life. Things that made me laugh. Things that made me cry. Things that changed me.

...Things that shook my ass up a bit.

Warning: This is a long post. And for my longwinded self to say that... It must be truly long. There are no links here. It's just toooo long to go through putting in all the appropriate links to elsewhere.

'Tis a bit more expletive laden than usual. I guess that is just an indication of my state of mind right now. Be forewarned that it starts out light and lovely, but grows darker and darker... and angrier... and sadder.

Now, I don't pride myself on being a wordsmith or anything, but I kept thinking about "introspection", not knowing what the doggone word means.

Introspection is defined as the observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, sensations, etc; the act of looking within oneself; self examination; soul searching (via Dicationary.com).

Now, my favorite author Tayari Jones (yes I will always and forever jock her... get freakin' use to it), has us reading a strange book over on her blog, where one of the requirements is to write/journal three full pages of free flow every morning... whether we feel like doing it or not.

Let's just say, it is amazing what one learns about oneself when one does such a thang...

*Ladylee frowning hard and shaking fist hard at Tayari.*

(We will have words when I see you again, Celie!!)

So, uh... for my 37th birthday, I would like to post about what I've learned about me this past year. Some of it is funny, most is not. There will be no funny pics, none of that.

But it's just me... the Oldgirl. And I am fine with being me.

if you make it to the end of this post without hurling yourself off the nearest roof, a lot was going I went through a lot of changes this year. I lot was going on in my head this year. I probably need quite a bit of therapy.

Music. Ya'll know that I am a music fiend. This is the first year ever that I have not listened to Urban radio, or urban music in general. I think it sucks. Everyone sounds the same, and they ain't talking about nothing important. I guess that just means that I am getting old.

On the flip side of that, I love Oldschool Music. Nothing new about that, as I have loved it for years. But I have a weird quirk that for some reason was magnified this past year: I will play one song over and over. I have a tendency to do this in our QUIET cubicle area at work... And you know, that causes a few problems.

The songs on my list:

Hurry Up this Way Again - The Stylistics
Inside Out - Odyssey
Deja Vu - Dionne Warrick
License to Kill - Gladys Knight
Anyone Who has a Heart - Luther Vandross
Apache -Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five

Now they are all good songs, but the problem is that I would pick ONE of them, and play it over... and over... and over... and over again. I know it pisses people off, but only 2 people would protest-- Cowgirl Cre and the Infamous Hen-Dog. Once one of them start whining, I would, um, switch to another song...

Not sure why I like those songs above, especially the Luther song. That songs always reminds me of the demise of my marriage and the divorce. Hmm. Yet I like to play it over... and over... and over. That is something I will will have to sit down and think about.

All things important. When I think of some of the most important things that have happened during my 36th year, that have given me joy, there are a few things that come to mind immediately. I am sure that there are more things, but certain things just stick out last year. Of course, my fam is important. But this is new stuff that comes to mind. New stuff that has totally changed me.

My Inspirational Journal Writing Group (IJWG) has been one of the most important things that I've been a part of in my 36th year. I get together with these phenomenal women once a month and we express whatever feelings and thoughts we have been journalling about, in accordance with whatever assignment we were working on for that month. (I'm not a big fan of the assignments, but I try to work it out.) Normally I am extremely quiet during these meetings. I am not the talkative type, and it takes me a LONG time to warm up to people, but I just like being there, soaking up all that wisdom. I rarely say anything, and I know they had to be looking at me strange when I broke out and expressed some thoughts at a meeting once. I have heard some stuff there that has shaken me to my very core. I witnessed a lot of crying going on in our meetings, but I am a tough Oldgirl... I will hold back the tears and save my crying for when I get in the car or when I get home. Anyway, this is something that I look forward to every single month. I feel like I've grown a little after each and every meeting.

The whole blogosphere action has changed my life... Most notably, the SBS crew: Serenity23, The DJ Diva, the Ladybug Mocha amongst others. Me and these chicks would kick out upwards of 500 emails a day at times. We have laughed together, cried together, cussed each other out, yacked on the phone, IM conferenced, prayed for each other, sent stuff in the mail to each other... just some of everything. It's weird how I could reveal myself all out there to them and get some amazing advice about whatever I am going through. It's been times that these ladies have kept me from going off the deep end. It's funny how folks come through my life at just the right time. That's how I have felt about them.

Another thing that has been totally priceless is meeting some of my favorite authors and getting a damn TON of advice from some of them. Some of this has been over email, and some of it has been in person. I love Cherlyn Michael's books, and I learned from her to write by word count and not by time, which has helped me immensely. I spend a lot of time reading and re-reading Chele's Raymond's Daughters, because of it's beautiful styling. Chele's Confessions of a Beautiful Woman was one of the most important books I read last year. I got stuck off in a car with author Dwan Abrams for four hours travelling to and from my book club retreat, and the advice that I got from her... let's just say I wanted to slip that sista a check or something. (I gave her 4 CDs containing 60 oldschool rap songs instead, LOL). And let's not even talk about my favorite chick, ol' Tayari Jones. She does not only give me a piece of the puzzle, but she gives me a whole side of a puzzle, throwing me in the right direction. I am oh so grateful for that. Shoot, she might just get her Original Oldgirl Platinum plus status for her encouragement. She's a damn mentor to me and she don't even know it, LOL!

That brings it all home to what's most important to me right now: writing. Do I care if I make money or a living off of it? No. Do I write to be writing what others want to read? No. I write because I love to write. LadyTee mentioned something this past year that I never realized. She refuses to read much of what I write these days, because she said that I've been writing since I was nine years old, and she has been reading much of what I have written for the past 25 years and she has always known me to be a good writer. It has always been my passion, and I didn't even really realize it. Hmm... But she always has.

Romance. Not much has gone on in the romance department for me, and that is largely my fault. I am a seriously flawed chick, "emotionally distant", and I don't really care to be caught up with anyone. I must admit that I am hard to deal with, as I do have a selfishness streak out of this world, meaning I don't care to invest that much time into a dude. I've hooked my life up with someone once before and um... I don't even want to go there.

I had some strange semi-romantic ish go on last year, and they were the type of situations where a couple of shorties had me feeling a bit "foggy". Now foggy is a funky word, but it is the only word that I can come up with, when looking back on my feelings, that describe how I was feeling. This means that I was in "la-la" land for a few days here and there. Let's just say that the Oldgirl did not care for that at all. That is a feeling that I simply don't chase men around, for fear of getting off into something silly. A lot of my behavior comes from growing up with a mother who was a bit, how shall I say it nicely... off the chain when it came to dealing with her men. Let's just say that I am my mother's child, and I really have to be cognizant of what my actions, feelings, habits, and thoughts are at all times.

One thing about me that was very much intensified this past year: I don't run around screaming about how I met somebody. Afterall, I'm not even sure I like a dude. I will be damn if I'm going to run around screaming "ooh wee, look at me, I met a man." I told Milk and Cookies that I meet men all the time, which he thought was hilarious. He should know by now that I am very stealth and secretive about that type of stuff. (Tiny caught me going out one night and found it a bit hilarious, LOL). That way it is very easy for me to cut loose if I have to. My golden rule: a dude don't meet nobody- no friends, no fam, NOBODY- unless we been hanging out for a year... Yeah, that is rough, but um, I gotta watch you live your life before I call myself hooked up with you, ya know?

Bottom line: LadyLee don't like feeling "foggy", and I felt a bit too "foggy" this year.

Moving on to other things.

The biggest question. There is something, that may or may not fit into the romance category, that bothers me. If I do something for my female friends, people are like, "oh that's cool." But if I do something for my male friends, peopel are like "Oh, she wants him." This pisses me off to the highest of pisstivity.

Okay, why is it assumed that I'm trying to twerk a dude if I show him some appreciation by doing something for him? This has been a severe problem at times. Hen-Dog is my friend. If I do something for him, somehow that means I want him or something, which is not the case. (I know that negro all too well. Goodness.) I write about Tiny alot. He's my friend. I do things for him to show appreciation. He's around a lot. So what? Does that mean that I am after him? No. (As a matter of fact, I've always told the two of them that I consider them my sister-gurls, some big hairy butchy girls, LOL!!)

Now I do more- MUCH MORE- for my female friends than I do for my male friends, but you would never know, because folks don't pay attention to that. Now why does that NOT mean that I am am trying to twerk my women friends? Hmm.

Nawl, I ain't gay or nothing like that. But damn, it would be easy to be that way. Folks would never know when I would be trying to get with some female, would they? Makes me wonder who around me is pulling off some ish like that? You never know.

My goodness, assumption is a mutha, ain't it?

LadyTee. There have been some things said to make me just bust out crying this year. And I think it was just that I was a little down at the time or something. But to hear someone say something admirable about me, when I am down, or just in general... well, I am sometime taken aback, and I get all emotional. I really don't know how to take that.

LadyTee and I were talking on the phone one night. Now she is someone who knows me better than myself. If you can think back to the movie the Color Purple, when Celie told Mista, in reference to her sister Nettie "You took away the only somebody that love me", well that's how I feel about LadyTee.

I know if no one else in the whole wide world loves me, LadyTee loves me.

Well, she and I are TOTAL opposites. She is a diva, always going out the way for people, very caring, compassionate, etc. I am totally opposite: a tomboy, dodging folks, and I have to work on the caring and compassionate thing, you know. Well she said something one night on the phone that made me break out in tears (of course, with me being as hardcore as I am, I didn't let her know I was crying):

"Lee, you don't give a n**** a break at all. It's one strike and you're out. But you are a wonderful person. Just wonderful. You are a truly wonderful person."

That shocked me when she said that. I thought about it for days. Still think about it whenever we talked. I think I cried because she thinks so highly of me. And I have never considered myself or thought of myself in that light. I have always thought of myself as being totally opposite, I guess. I guess it just really did something for my heart to hear someone say that I was "a wonderful person."

A couple of weeks ago, LadyTee said something else that shocked the hell out of me. She is taking some classes right now, and one of the assignments was for her to write about the most intelligent person she ever met. She told me that she wrote about me. And she told me all the reasons why she wrote about me. Of course, it made me cry. (I made sure she didn't know that, though). I think I was a bit depressed and feeling down about some things at the time (which I think she knew, because we were constantly on the phone, and were hanging out more often). Again, I wasn't expecting to hear her say some of those things. It took me a moment to compose myself.

My Sister Kentucky (Kay) and My brother Milk and Cookies (DaKari). This year, I hated to do it, but I distanced myself from them a little bit. They are grown now, so they needed to do their own thing, you know? I mean, I try to give them advice because, hint, I have been through what they are going through. Ain't nobody trying to run their life and or anything like that, it's just that damn, they think they know everything. So my thing has been basically to let them go ahead and fall on their asses. I'll talk to you when you bust your ass. I have their FULL attention when they are looking crazy.

I had a problem with my sister earlier this year. Let's face it, I ain't too fond of her man, and I didn't appreciate him appearing to be laying up in my house. I don't allow a man to lay up in my house, even though I pay the mortgage and bills, and out of respect for her, since she lives with me. Plus, she knew how we grew up. I wasn't down for that ish. I was uncomfortable in my own house, but didn't say anything. I said something to Milk and Cookies and he, with his big ass mouth, said something to her, and it caused a problem. (This is how we communicate, which is jacked up: we don't really talk... one sibling hears through another sibling, i.e. JACKED UP!) I've already got this reputation for being a hard ass, so we weren't on the best terms for a minute. I was wondering, and even asked her, why was she up in my house if she got isshas with me, etc... But all is okay now (I guess). I still sort of keep to myself as much as possible, and that ain't good. But she knows I love her. They both do, even though I rarely express it.

Not sure what I learned from my dealings with Kay and M&C this year. I think I learned that I will live my life, and stop worrying about them. If they need me, I am here. Period. Otherwise, do your thizzle. I'm not going to be running around after them. They'll be alright.

Health. I have an autoimmune disease, and have had it for years. I struggle with monthly doctors visits, meds, blood tests, bone density tests, urine tests, wild side effects, the whole nine. As a matter of fact, I ditched my doctors visits during the early part of my 36th year, and got sick. That was NOT a good look. During the latter part of my 36th year, I made a conscience effort to take better care of myself.

My sister did the nicest thing for me a couple of months ago. I am extremely anemic and I won't take my iron medication. Why? Because I hate struggling with the foil wrapper of my pills. I am too busy taking all them other damn pills and don't like spending a few seconds removing foil wrap. (Yes, I am hard headed.) Kay and I were talking about it in the kitchen one afternoon. She took the plates containing the pills, took them to work, and removed them all for me while she was at work, and placed them in a bottle. ("It'll give me something to do, Lisa," she said, when I looked at her like she had gone nuts.) Now I take the pills. I know, I know... that sounds like some simple stuff, but I thought that was nice of her. I take my pills now, but I am still struggling to get my iron levels right.

Job. Not gonna write about the job much. I am in "la-la" land when it comes to the job. I told my boss today that I have gone as far as I can go at this place. She wants me to start doing research (she has been trying to motivate me in this direction for the past 3 years). I told her she might see me go and apply for some assistant professorship somewhere and get my own lil' research program together or something. But here at my current job.,I have gone as far as I can go. Let's face it: I ain't political and I'm not an ass-kisser, so they can basically kiss my ass go sit on a tack... and give me my paycheck.

My Mother. If you notice here on my blog, I don't talk about my mother. I think I should say something about that, because I think about this often. As far as I'm concerned, my Aunt is my mother. I feel like my Aunt actually gives a damn about me. I can talk to her and about her all day, without fear of her (my Aunt) using shit against me. She cares about me, you see. As far as I'm concerned, my mother doesn't. This is the first year of my life that I have purposefully stayed out from around my mother. I stay in constant trouble when it comes to her. And I finally got to the point where I deemed it unacceptable, the way she treats me. A few weeks ago, I remember thinking... "Gee, I actually feel free. Like I can be me."

Last summer, me and my sis and bro were standing in my kitchen talking about some crap my mother was saying about me, etc. (It simply amazes me that she dogs me out in front of my sister and brother. They are just now in the last few years getting to the point that they don't believe every word she says about me. Geez.) I think my relationship with my mother thoroughly confuses them, and they are uncomfortable being caught up in the whole mess (as they should be). I remember our discussion getting a bit heated, and me saying something that threw Milk and Cookies into a small fit that night.

"My mother does not love me!!"

He lost his mind (Milk and Cookies can get pretty dramatic at times: "Lee, that ain't true! Don't say that!"). Kay kind of stood there all quiet, thinking God knows what about what I just said. But it is something that I feel, and I pretty much have accepted. She doesn't love me, doesn't give a damn about me... nothing. And I guess that I have internalized that, and for years, I've thought I was this awful bad person. I think that is why I get all emotional if someone who knows me well has anything good to say about me.

What has been really hurtful and has really blindsided me something terrible this year is when my mother puts my bro and sis through some craziness. And then I have to pick up the pieces behind all of it, and talk to them. Let them know that they are alright, that they are good people. It has taken EVERTHING within me, and I mean EVERTHING, not to just call her up and scream "Cut this shit out... What the f*** is your problem? These are the children that you actually love!! They are sticking it out with you! Treat them better than you have treated me!! " But I don't do that. Why? Because my brother and sister will have to pay dearly for coming back and telling me what she said. So as a result, I just keep things to myself.

Nevertheless, there is a hole in my heart over all of this. I feel awful sometimes about my decisions, because I have friends who have lost their mothers, and their mothere was someone who they had a good relationshipswith. I yearn for that. Here I am, dodging mine. And I must say, that bothers me. But this has been the first year that I haven't been all stressed out, trying to watch my back, what I say, and what I do, stroking egos, kissing her ass... There hasn't been much fear of her retaliations or anything. And I must say, I do feel free.

But am I?

I don't know.

As you can see, The Oldgirl has A LOT of issues.

Humph. Don't we all?

So their goes my "Great Introspection". It was a bit on the dark side. There are many sides to LadyLee. But I guess that's why I like my usual "funny-funny"... I like things that make me happy, make me laugh, you know?

Hope I didn't depress you. This was introspection to some degree. I could have taken it a bit deeper, but I didn't. It's just that I have been free-flow journaling for the past 3 to 4 weeks, 3 frickin' pages a day, and um... it brings a lot of stuff bubbling to the surface. It seems as if that is suppose to happen, according to that book Tayari got us reading. *Lee STILL shaking fist at Tayari*

Let's just say there's A LOT of stuff I gotta come to terms with. A LOT. And the first step is realizing that.

So what will I do on my birthday? I have no idea. I ain't going to work, that's for sure. I will wake up naturally. This means no wake-up call from my chaffeur my carpool partner, the Infamous Hen-Dog. (He cracks me up with the "Wake up, Little girl!" call every morning). I am going to get my car tag, and then me and LadyTee are going to go do our Thelma and Louise thing (minus driving the car off the cliff.). Don't know what that chick has planned, but it is always something good.

Until next time... I'll Holla!!!

~That Oldgirl LadyLee...