Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday Freestyles: "That's All I have to Say About That"

It is Friday... and I have a lot of things on my mind, only a small percentage of which I will post here. If I told it all, this would be the longest post ever.

First of all, thank you all for your condolences. I must say that I really don't know how to feel about my father's passing. It is difficult since he was not a part of my life. It has been strange dealing with the family, since I am technically not a part of the family. I am fine with that, but I have had to pull back from being my usual self: eager and willing to help in any way. I don't know them, and they don't know me. I don't want anyone to think I am around to get anything out of anyone or cause trouble. So that has been a point of stress for me. And it didn't help that I told a family member "I am not a member of the family. I am only genetic material."  I only said that because I was suppose to make up the funeral program, and no one would give me something to put on the program. I was NOT doing it myself. They needed to go get preachers and sangers picked by folks in the actual family. So I was advised to sit back and wait for them to call me. And they did. The funeral is on Monday morning. I am breathing a sigh of relief.

I was prepared to just write a check for the funeral. I would have been pissed about it. I hate to admit that. I'd have to hope that I have no emergency, medical or otherwise, anytime soon.  I am alone, and I work hard to save up money. I have no one to fall back on if I have a emergency. And my fears are largely unfounded because it would only take me a few months to recover/be where I like to be moneywise.  But I remember someone in my finance group giving voice to the same thoughts. And I knew then I wasn't alone in my thoughts. I am all I have. So be as responsible as possible and don't mess up any money. Don't mess up!

But still, those fears were there. Unwarranted, but there.

And it is interesting when I get like that, building these pictures in my mind, an old answer to a prayer creeps up on me...

"If you have ANY evidence that you have NEVER been taken care of, lay it out on the table, because I have NO idea what you're talking about."

And I have no evidence. Just some pictures of being penniless rolling on the movie reels of my mind. And that's not evidence.

I've been reading alot about the human mind and spirituality and how we react to things, and I have read a time or two about how we get stuck back in our childhood mind, and how we react with our childlike understanding to things and how it quietly affects us all our lives. I have found at times over the past 2 weeks that I have felt like I felt as a child... quietly wondering how Milton never raised a finger to take care of me and always wondering why I was basically worthless to him. I never got a chance to ask him. I wouldn't have felt right asking him.  Because I know in my adult mind that I wasn't worthless. He just had his own special set of problems, consequences, choices, and circumstances. As we all do. Oftentimes children are just collateral damage in complex adult social situations.

(It's the "just" part of that sentence which is terribly disturbing.)

So I have been to myself, and dealing with that. Sorry if some have felt I have been to quiet. Sorry if I haven't want to discuss these things. I have been offending people, and Lord knows I don't care to do that so I am to myself, discussing things within my own mind.  And there have been folks around that I could get some advice from, unexpectantly, but most definitely appreciated.

Personally I want all of this to be over. I am not riding in the family limousine (which seem to raise some slight protest... and raise my eyebrow). I want to go to the funeral, to the cemetery, and home. I don't want to go to the repast, but I will go for half an hour to show my face... and go home. That is it.

This has been such a strange late summer for me. All of that mental mess that's stuff down under the rug in the back rooms and corners of my mind has been shaken loose and forced out in the open. Not sure what that's about. I guess it is a good thing. I hope it is. I must admit that I do like, like anyone else, skipping along in life, humming a pleasant smurfy tune. I don't like these dark corners of my mind. At all. I think it is all some type of answer to some personal issues I've been praying about. And overall, that is for my personal good. No telling what it unlocks for my future.

That's all I have to say about that.

Scripture of the Day. Been awhile since I've posted a scripture of the day. But I read this one early this morning, and it has been on my mind all day.  2 Timothy 2:20-21 (Message version):

"In a well-furnished kitchen there are not only crystal goblets and silver platters, but waste cans and compost buckets - some containers used to serve fine meals, others to take out the garbage. Become the kind of container God can use to present any and every kind of gift to his guest for their blessing."

That is a good verse. And interestingly, it is open for interpretation, especially when you delve into other versions. I won't do that here, as we will be here ALL day. And we don't want that.

I've been meditating on it today. I wake up every morning, praying that I am a blessing of sorts to those around me, and not a hindrance.  I want to be a good "container".  And I can't remember a day where I have been a blessing of sorts. That is my "happy" place. 

We are all containers, and it's what we carry in us that is important.

I will continue to chew on that verse. 

Song of the Day.  Wouldn't it be quite ratchet if I put up some CRAZY misogynistic rap song... write after a piece of scripture? LOL!!

No I want do anything like that. And I ain't putting up a gospel song either.

I've been listening to a great CD. I think it's 5 years old, not sure. It is Algebra's Purpose CD.

That chick has a video.

But she has too many clothes on.

Doesn't she know you can't become a star unless you are gyrating down on the floor and half naked? And oh yes, her lyrics are too clean and full of meaning. No wonder I haven't heard much from her. Humph.

I do remember the song she did with Anthony David, though...

That was a good song. I miss good music. I really do. It is out there, but man oh man, I feel like I have to dig it out. Sigh.

That's all I have to say about that.

I have a busy weekend. Luckily, I bought some clothes from the funeral last weekend. I wanted a dress but couldn't find one I liked. So I will be more dressy casual. Not sure how that will go over, but I don't think I will ever see any of these "family" folks again, so it is gonna have to do. I have ordered food for the repast.  I am trying to do my part. And that is all I can do.

So I will have a productive weekend.... on purpose. I am looking forward to finishing up a blanket for a little girl's birthday next week. I hope she will love it for many years to come.

You have a good weekend...

Not by default, but by design...

... and on purpose.


  1. Your posts about your dad always hit home with me. I don't have a relationship with my father at all and I found out 7 months after his other kids he has prostate cancer. Now I am sitting back wondering should I step in assist with something. Then when you said he didn't lift a finger during your child hood. Why should i be bothered but thats not my personality. So I have decided to go to his first appointment and see how i feel after that. (Sorry this comment is so long) But after I read your father blog posts it always starts me thinking about mine and my life. Take Care.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't quite know how to feel after I lost my biological father ... I still don't.


Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!