At the House of LadyLee... We like to keep it smurfy!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Lemonade Diet Blues...
Poor Kay... Poor, Poor Kay...
My 24-year old sister Kay was so excited. So excited about a new diet. The Lemonade Diet, she called it.
Well, it's not exactly a diet. It's a cleansing program, detailed in a 50 page book entitled The Master Cleanserby Stanley Burroughs. It basically consists of drinking a water-based concoction of organic lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and pure maple syrup for a minimum of ten days and a maximum of forty days. There's also some bizzare laxative step involving salt water. You can't eat food. You can only drink this wonderful potion. (Yuck!)
When Kay told me this, I turned and walked away. I didn't want her to see me giggle.
For a couple of weeks prior to starting this wonderful program, Kay diligently did her research. She read the book and she studied various internet sites related to the subject matter. I would pass by her bedroom and just shake my head... because I know how my sister, the Diva, is.
I told her not to do it. Even our beloved Auntie wasn't all that crazy about the idea. Auntie encouraged her to research it thoroughly so she wouldn't hurt herself. Usually, we listen to Auntie. I thought that would be the end of that.
So when she walked into my bedroom at 7:30 a.m. last Saturday morning with a bright smile on her face, dressed all nice for her job at the bank, I eyed her suspiciously...
"I'm starting my lemonade diet soon. You want to try it with me?" she asked. "Hell, nawl !!!" I replied, a little too quickly. She continued to smile. "Well, are you going by Dekalb Farmer's Market or Whole Foods today?" I was not planning on going, but I was going to my first book club meeting out in Decatur somewhere near Dekalb's Farmer's Market that afternoon. "I could stop by," I replied. "Can you get me some organic lemons and Kosher sea salt? I'll give you the money." She reached into her purse and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. "No don't worry about it. I'll get it for you," I replied. I went back to reading the book I'd been reading before she walked into my room.
I would buy her lemons and salt for her. I, after all, wanted to be the supportive big sister.
Well, Kay started her diet on Saturday evening. I knew there was a problem when she decided against going to Church on Sunday morning. By the time I got home from church, she was sprawled out across her bed, whining about how bad she felt. She'd been running back and forth to the bathroom and was extremely nauseous. I just left her alone and tried to stay out of her way.
That evening, Kay was headed out the front door. She said she was going to Picadilly to get a vegetable plate.
"I can't do it," she howled. "I just can't do it. It's nasty." "Go on back and sit in your room, girl. Try it 'til the end of the week!" I yelled, trying to be supportive. "Unh-unh," she said shaking her head. "This is for white people." She quickly walked out the front door. She returned thirty minutes later with a lovely plate of broccoli, green beans, and sweet potatoes.
She didn't even last a whole day.
It turns out a coworker hipped Kay to this diet, and wanted her to go on this little diet with her. Kay was trying to diligently follow the rules of the master cleanser program, but it turns out her coworker was cheating a little. The coworker, who had been on the program for two weeks, was mixing orange juice with the lemon potion, and eating dinner in the evenings.
Hmpfh... some coworker.
Kay was sick for a few days, but she's better now. But now, Kay has sworn off of anything that has to do with lemons. In fact she has been wailing all week about this little short adventure she had.
I went off on her tonight about paying me back for those expensive lemons and special salt. Turns out she left a twenty dollar bill on my bed sometime this week. (I thought that this was money that had rained down from heaven or something liked that.)
So I apologize, Kay, for yelling about the eleven dollars I thought you owed me.
Please girl, do something with those lemons taking up space in the bottom of the refrigerator. And don't forget about that seven dollar bag of kosher salt sitting on the counter next to the kitchen sink...
And please, honey...stay away from crazy coworkers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!