February 7, 2008: THE GREAT INTROSPECTION: "Go FORWARD"

Hoooraaaayyyy!!!

It’s my birthday!!!

*Lee doing the high rockette kick followed by the Michael Jackson spin*

‘Tis the first day of the 38th year of an Oldgirl's life.

GLORY! LOL.

Why am I so excited about turning 38? I’m not all that excited. It’s just another day, really. I took the day off, as usual. (I refuse to work on my birthday. THE HORROR). I have a bunch of errands to run today, like getting my emissions, standing in line for my car tag, getting my taxes done (gulp), things like that. I am using it as a day off, a “run around day.”

LadyTee and I usually do our "Thelma and Louise" thang, but she is being a BUSTA this year! (Not really, she has classes all day. I’ll kill her if she skipped school).

I left work last night feeling a bit… blah. Yeah, that’s a good word. Blah. Too much happened that I just ain’t use to dealing with in my quiet little world. Stuff was on my mind, that well, just didn’t need to be on my mind.

But I drove my Mazda up my street, swaying hard to Barry White’s “Playing Your Game, Baby”, my song of the week. (I know my neighbors were like “Yep, LadyLee’s home!). I turned in the driveway, and looked around to make sure no one was around. (Trust, there are way too many locals who jump out of bushes yelling “LadyLee!” when they see me. I can’t stand that.)

I went to check my mail, as is my usual custom.

And was hit with a deluge of birthday cards. It was like card after card after card, some with cute little stickers… just a total surprise. I know my neighbor came outside, and must have thought I was a complete fool for sitting in my car at the top of my driveway, music blasting and the car overhead light on, just sitting there reading and laughing at cards, but I just couldn’t move my car. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Ever.

And I shed a few tears and let out a hard sigh. I don’t know, I kind of needed that right then. I felt in my heart right then that there’s people out here who really care for me. Someone took time to paste stickers and write funny notes, LadyLee style, lol.

And I don’t know, at that moment, I needed to KNOW that. There are times when you need to KNOW that. And that was just a time.

Anyway, let me move on from that.

This week has been nice for me blogwise, as I have taken time to flesh out those things in my heart. Yes, the posts have been LONG. And it's my birthday, so an Oldgirl got a lot of LONG stuff on her heart.

Time to wrap it up. This is a long post. I even shortened by a page for ya. LOL.

My 38th year is HERE. Year 37 is in the DISTANT PAST.

I will not go straight. I will go FORWARD.

(Yeah, that sounds like some craziness. An old boyfriend of mine use to say that a lot. And I STILL don’t understand the meaning of it.. He was passionate about it, and I just remind myself of it from time to time. It sounds so. . . positive.)

So with that, let me get into a little introspection. It won't be as deranged as last year's introspection. Ya see, last year I had to get the deranged stuff out. It was sort of like a strong mental enema. I needed that so I could move FORWARD.

Making the call, making it happen. One thing I know this year, and I recognized it late in the year: when I needed to get some things done, or needed some help to get things done, I was able to pick up the phone and call someone and make it happen, in some cases setting things up in a few minutes time. I didn’t realize how many contacts I had. I say that because I burn up bridges with a vengeance, lol. But it felt good to make calls, or if someone needed something done, I could put them in contact with MY contact. That is just so funny to me.

For the love of Grandma. One of my goals for last year was to help my Grandma out in some way. You know, take her a bag of groceries or or give her money toward gas for her car. I wanted to do more than spend time with her, but do something monetary for her.

My biggest fianncial issha last year that I spent 90% of last year in the midst of a serious escrow problem, and money was more tight than it should EVER be. But that is solved now. The nice mortgage company figured that they made a mistake, and I was able to exhale (in the midst of shaking my fist at them). At any rate, I got a nice size escrow rebate back in December after the dust settled, and set up a small debit card for my Grandma.

I am incensed that my cousins bother her for money, and you know how Grandmas are: gotta help their grandbabies. I thought that I could do something for her, like take care of her gas and grocery. I know that is small, but she did it for me allll through graduate school back in the 90’s. She use to send me a fifty dollar check on the first of the month, along with a short letter written on a nice piece of stationery or on a torn scrap of paper. The letter would detail her day… little things like how she made the best salmon croquettes that morning, a book she’d read, or how she cleaned out a box she’d been meaning to clean out. I loved those letters more than the money, but I needed the money too. I made sure I did something good with that money, like pay a bill or something. I NEVER blew it.

She did this for 8 years. You add up the total.

I always think about that all the time. I still find an old letter of hers from time to time, when I’m cleaning out an old folder or box. I wanted to do something for her. And I got a raise this year, and my mortgage is at the correct amount now (finally, because an Oldgirl was sweating)… so I can help her. I heard through my aunt that she needed a water heater and a patch of new flooring under it. Grandma said I shouldn’t do that and she didn’t mind boiling her water for awhile. *crickets*. I got it all done at a ridiculously low price. (I have a story coming up on that that is… funny.)

Grandma puts about 10 dollars a month in gas in her car. Her grocery bill seems to be about 25 dollars a month.

**big crickets**

Well, at least I can come up with 35 bucks a month for her. A nice way to supplement her social security income…indeed.

Writing. Now my most significant accomplishment last year was in the area of writing. Nope, I didn['t publish anything, but I met one of my major goals: I took a writing class. I liked it so much that I kept taking writing classes. I took 3 classeds last year. I REAALLY looked forward to the classes. The only drawback is that it is a hard fiction class, and well, some of my stuff tends to be a bit "genre" as my teacher likes to say. So I had to step my game up and come up with some "hard fiction". Ugh. And there were no people of color in the class (save for one time- my book club sista was there. OH JOY). But it has helped me tremendously. My writing has improved.

Right now, I am taking a writing workshop. It is WAY different from a writing class. We sit there and listen to someone read a piece for 20 minutes then we discuss it in crazy detail. I read to the class a week ago. I was so nervous, but I got better as I went along. I got 2 pages worth of critique nots from that, and you just can't put a price on such help. As a result, I have learned to "listen" well also. I can be brutal with critiquing my own work, now. So I am happy about that I will go FORWARD in this endeavor. I have about 5 short stories and 2 manuscripts in various stages of progress. I will move FORWARD on those.

The Hermit. I fell into hermit mode, a bit more than usual during my 37th year. No, I wasn’t depressed or anything (although I did break out crying when I woke up one morning). Just freaking TIRED. We had a National Crises in the lab, and I had to work some incredibly long hours. LONG hours. Weekends too. I cringe thinking about it. I shiver from my hair follicles to my toe nails thinking about such craziness.

Work had me stressed out, so much so that when I had any semblance of time off, I wanted to just sit at home and stare at the wall. I managed to keep up with my normal activities and all, but that’s about it. I even fell off with that a couple of times. I am glad that I did stay with my activities. Looking back, I see that I needed the outlet. I needed those things to take my mind off of work and my problems.

However, there were waaay too many convos like the following:

Phone rings. Lee kicks the hard eye roll.
“Whatcha doing, LadyLee?”
“Sitting here.”
“Sitting there doing what?”
“Looking at the wall.”
“Let’s go somewhere!”
“NO! No, no NO!”

*Person on the other line quietly hangs up phone. Lee hangs up phone… and looks back at the wall.*

Yeah, I just wanted to look at the wall. I was drained, bewildered, confused… and more drained. I told my boss that never in my life have I felt like a job had a strangle hold on my neck and my life.

It was finally over after awhile... lasted from March to November of last year. Proved to me that all things are temporary.

One of these days, man… I’m not going to let this job get to me. Watch out. I may just go get a NEW job. HUMPH.

Worry. I have found that when things go wrong, or not as planned, I tend to worry. And people around me tend to worry in the same fashion. I guess that it is something’s that is “normal”. Something goes wrong and we get bent out of shape about it. I know if you don’t get bent out of shape, I know I DO. And I’m not afraid to admit it.

Then I started thinking. It don’t make much sense to be that way. Not much at all.

It’s best to give myself some time to cry for a minute, regroup, then sit down and come up with a plan.

Afterall, it’s gonna be alright. It really is.

Why do I say that?

I have an example. This could apply to anything that ain’t going all honky-dory, and it is heavy on your mind, and it has you stressed and worried. The example I will use is my job.

Do something for me. Go and get your resume, or some small bio that you had to draw up for yourself recently. For example, my curriculum vitae- resume plus list of all my teaching credits, scientific publications and presentations and what not- is 3 to 4 pages long.

Just take a look at that. Read through all your accomplishments.

Put. Your. Accomplishments. In. Front. Of. Your. Face.

You see these accomplishments, ccomplishments specific only to you?

And you’re sitting up here worried? And I'm sitting around worried.

I know we can’t see into the future, and tomorrow is not promised, but if we can get some type of look at the future, say, some 10 years or soin the future:

NEWSFLASH: There will be MORE accomplishments added to that list. Many more.

If we knew that, if we concentrated on that…

Started looking at things through the eye of faith, that is…

I bet we wouldn’t be so consumed with worry.

I’ll bet the house on that!

Worry is groundless fear. Panic is fear with no real justifications or reasons. You and I are just reacting to the bad images we built in your head. Plain and simple.

I thought about this when me and a couple of my sister Docs from work had to write up our bios for a little informal chat we had to give over at a nearby college. I found out things about my fellow Docs that I didn’t know, some of their accomplishments and what not. I didn’t tell them, but I was silently proud of each of them.

And I was proud of myself. I can actually say that I was AND I am, proud of Dr. LadyLee.

I say this because I’m in a work environment where management plays Jedi mind tricks on us and overall morale is in the toilet. It’s enough to get me down or make me worry at times.

I will worry no more. Nope. Not at all. I understand now that in ANY situation, I should look back and review, on the magic filmstrip of my life that runs in my mind, all those things similar to such “concern” I went through and overcame. I can have peace in knowing that I will get through whatever has me concerned.

So if I am dissatisfied with the job, make new plans. I've been dissatisfied with jobs in the past, and went and got another job. If I keep failing at a goal I've set for myself, I have to stop getting depressed about it and don't give up. I should think back on all the times when I met personal goals and take solace in that. If I met those goals, I can meet the newly set ones.

Yeah, that was WORDY and convoluted… but you get my drift. This goes for relationships, friendships, personal goals that seem unattainable, and anything else you can think of.

And that was for me and others. You know who you are. Especially them chicks on the Original Oldgirl roster over on the right. Hint: that one’s for ya’ll. I have either had some personal phone convos or read something that concerned me on your blogs from that respect.

We have our ups and downs… Just know, when you’re in a valley, there’s nowhere to go but up!

We will not go straight… We will go FORWARD.

"Hogwash, Ladylee," you may say. Whatever. When I caught a revelation of what I just wrote above, let’s just say there’s not much that bothers me any more. If it is, it is for a bvery short period of time.

It’s a mere hiccup… a skip of the needle on the record.

Let the record called life keep playing. Man UP!... And keep it moving.

Looking back over the Year in general. In the early days of January, I wanted to do a recap of my 2007 year. But I trashed that. Why? Because it started out with something that I wrote in my personal journal.

"When I think of 2007, I've felt like I've been sitting at a traffic light waiting for it to turn green. No, it was more like sitting at a stop sign, waiting for it to turn green. Worst yet, it was more like sitting at a yield sign waiting for it to turn green."

Well, that sounds depressing. Had to trash that idea.

But then I thought to myself, is it really true? Is that really true.

Luckily, I have about 300 pages logged in my personal joural for 2007. And I looked back, did a little reading, and I saw that was FAR from the truth.

I think that I was caught up on there being no major bells and whistles go off for me last year. I prayed a lot about a lot of "little" things, and prayed much for other people. Once I started reading accounts of answers to those prayers... My goodness. Got a little peeved there for a moments. Gotta be sure I am being grateful, etc...

No way I can say I was sitting at the proverbial traffic light, a stop sign, or a yield sign.

NOPE.

But I did learn something from that.

I need to stretch my faith out on bigger and better things.

There is SO MUCH I want to accomplish. So much left to be done.

And on this first day of my 38th year... you best believe that THAT is the order of the day, the order of the year.

Time to MAN UP!

I will not go straight. I WILL GO FORWARD.