Issues, Lonliness, Pride and Affection

A most interesting quote...

"I was straight up trying on his issues like I was ready to purchase those mofos... checking myself from various angles of lonliness, bargaining the price of my pride for a chance to choke myself within the fraying cloak of his insufficient affection."


That quote is from late blogger Nikki, who passed close to a year and a half ago, and I still miss her. She had such a fantastic way with words.

This is not a quote that I found, but one that was tacked up on the cubicle wall of one of my coworkers for a few years. It moved her so when she read it on Nikki's blog that she copied it, and printed it out.

It is a lush quote indeed.

Everytime I read it I see something different.

And I think any woman who's been in love with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons can relate to it.

I think of it from my own point of view, in lieu of my past relationships... I think of it now as I'm having to avoid being apart of something that is not good for me.

I think the central core of that quote is lonliness.

Being lonely has caused me to do some things I wouldn't ordinarily do.

It has made me willing to put up with issues I wouldn't ordinarily put up with.

Not to say that we don't all have issues. Because we all do. We are all under construction.

But issues isn't always the first concern. We just want what we want.

We want the perfect man: he has to be this tall, this fine, drive this type of car, make this much money... be this good in bed.

I have rarely thought about a man's issues. Until it was too late.

But I think the older we women get, the more we understand... content of character is key.

I, as a woman, also understand bargaining the price of my pride. Pride, the good type of pride, is the platform on which self-love, self-esteem and self-worth rests upon.

And I myself have put my pride aside, getting choked in a man's insufficient affection... his inability to take care of my emotions and needs.

I could go on and on... but I won't.

All I can really say is this: there's a time when we KNOW what we are dealing with. We know that man is a dog. We know he likes to cuss us out and smack us around from time to time. We know he's not affectionate. We know when he is not treating us the way you deserve to be treated. We know when he doesn't listen. We know when he plays the endless mind games. We know when his character ain't the best.

We know these things.

But the lonliness we sometimes feel don't care about those things. The wrong type of pride, that caring what other people think of us and trying to impress others... it don't care about those things either.

And that's where all the trouble starts... and we end up spending YEARS with someone that we had no business being with in the first place.

And we painfully realize, just like with ill-fitting clothes...

I shouldn't have bought this.

It don't fit right.

It's choking the essencee of who I am.

And frankly, I'm not willing to deal with that. I want something that fits me just right, makes me look and feel good, and is made just for me.

Good grief.

I got all that out of a quote.

And this post has been a note to myself, just to check myself, and remind myself of a few things.

I'm glad that I have my good friend's words... she's no longer here for me to talk to (lawd, I miss my confidant), but her words live on, and are still potent.

Where is Serenity23? She's always bugging me about writing prompts.

I challenge you to write on that one, Oldgirl.

(I think she may back away from that one).

My readership is incredibly intelligent, gifted, thoughtful, and insightful. I'm so glad the hoodrats don't hang out at the House of LadyLee. (Thank goodness for that!)

And I was wondering, dear reader...

What does that quote mean to you??