Thursday, January 20, 2011

Issues, Lonliness, Pride and Affection

A most interesting quote...

"I was straight up trying on his issues like I was ready to purchase those mofos... checking myself from various angles of lonliness, bargaining the price of my pride for a chance to choke myself within the fraying cloak of his insufficient affection."

That quote is from late blogger Nikki, who passed close to a year and a half ago, and I still miss her. She had such a fantastic way with words.

This is not a quote that I found, but one that was tacked up on the cubicle wall of one of my coworkers for a few years. It moved her so when she read it on Nikki's blog that she copied it, and printed it out.

It is a lush quote indeed.

Everytime I read it I see something different.

And I think any woman who's been in love with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons can relate to it.

I think of it from my own point of view, in lieu of my past relationships... I think of it now as I'm having to avoid being apart of something that is not good for me.

I think the central core of that quote is lonliness.

Being lonely has caused me to do some things I wouldn't ordinarily do.

It has made me willing to put up with issues I wouldn't ordinarily put up with.

Not to say that we don't all have issues. Because we all do. We are all under construction.

But issues isn't always the first concern. We just want what we want.

We want the perfect man: he has to be this tall, this fine, drive this type of car, make this much money... be this good in bed.

I have rarely thought about a man's issues. Until it was too late.

But I think the older we women get, the more we understand... content of character is key.

I, as a woman, also understand bargaining the price of my pride. Pride, the good type of pride, is the platform on which self-love, self-esteem and self-worth rests upon.

And I myself have put my pride aside, getting choked in a man's insufficient affection... his inability to take care of my emotions and needs.

I could go on and on... but I won't.

All I can really say is this: there's a time when we KNOW what we are dealing with. We know that man is a dog. We know he likes to cuss us out and smack us around from time to time. We know he's not affectionate. We know when he is not treating us the way you deserve to be treated. We know when he doesn't listen. We know when he plays the endless mind games. We know when his character ain't the best.

We know these things.

But the lonliness we sometimes feel don't care about those things. The wrong type of pride, that caring what other people think of us and trying to impress others... it don't care about those things either.

And that's where all the trouble starts... and we end up spending YEARS with someone that we had no business being with in the first place.

And we painfully realize, just like with ill-fitting clothes...

I shouldn't have bought this.

It don't fit right.

It's choking the essencee of who I am.

And frankly, I'm not willing to deal with that. I want something that fits me just right, makes me look and feel good, and is made just for me.

Good grief.

I got all that out of a quote.

And this post has been a note to myself, just to check myself, and remind myself of a few things.

I'm glad that I have my good friend's words... she's no longer here for me to talk to (lawd, I miss my confidant), but her words live on, and are still potent.

Where is Serenity23? She's always bugging me about writing prompts.

I challenge you to write on that one, Oldgirl.

(I think she may back away from that one).

My readership is incredibly intelligent, gifted, thoughtful, and insightful. I'm so glad the hoodrats don't hang out at the House of LadyLee. (Thank goodness for that!)

And I was wondering, dear reader...

What does that quote mean to you??


  1. For me it means taking on a man's issues as my own. Losing myself to be with him so much that his issues become mine. Wanting him so bad that I forget about me, who I am, what I want, where I'm going and the person I'm destined to be. Just to be with him and say that I am not alone. That I have a man. Put a 'Mrs' in front of my name.

    Whew! You took me to a place I thought I had forgotten with that one. Hope to never be there again.

    Great post ;-)

  2. I will never go to that place again. Yeah, I said it: NEVER. That quote reminded me of the years I lost because I didn't think enough of myself to realize that I deserved better than insufficient affection.

  3. reminds me of that song by Bruno Mars called Grenade about how you would sacrifice all of yourself for that other person that does not give a damn about you. Been there...done that...

  4. What comes to my mind is the last person I dealt with. My intuition said one thing and my "neediness" said another. Kinda like when I go somewhere and I say that looks good and my mind says you know that cut doesn't look right on your body. Yet, I try it on and may even bring it home, thinking my mirrors at home will make me look different.

  5. I read need for acceptance

    "I, as a woman, also understand bargaining the price of my pride. Pride, the good type of pride, is the platform on which self-love, self-esteem and self-worth rests upon."

    This righet here!!! Is it possible to understand this at 18?

  6. When I read that quote it reminded me of what I've been telling myself since the beginning of this new year. I cannot let these guys treat me like I'm garbage. I am worth much more than they are offering. I am worth much more than the little kind words of affection I hear time from time. I am worth much more than these inconsistent bastards. I will appreciate my worth. Maybe in the future someone else will too.

  7. I don't think there is a woman alive who hasn't tried on a man's issues at one point or another.

    When I read this phrase, I think of becoming complacent. I think of myself when I'd say "well him doing a and b isn't so bad, it could be him doing c and d. I can deal with this, I mean I do love him. I have to show him I'm willing to go through the wire and fire for him".

    I've been that woman who took full ownership of someone's issues and accepted the abuse (physical and verbal) and made excuses. He's not affectionate b/c his parents weren't affectionate. He hits me b/c thats what he saw his father do to his mom, when his dad was around.

    That phrase should serve as a reminder to us all..those who been through it and those who don't. Never compromise your mind, body, and spirit for someone who does NOT deserve it.

  8. To me, this means trying to excuse the things that give you pause. Trying to rationalize why this particular guy should get the benefit of the doubt on something that you know is unparalleled with your own character…something that is not on par with your desires and expectations.

    Like the other women have said, we’ve all been there. Great thing is that we don’t have to go there again…it’s our choice. Some people say I’m too hard on guys or I find things and cut it off quickly. I know myself, and I know that being “in love” clouds my judgment until things are bad, Michael Jackson BAD, so I keep my eyes wide open and pay attention to character issues, and other things that will only be amplified by love, in the beginning. If they are red flags in the beginning, they will surely be burning buildings by the time I start saying, “I love you too.”

    As usual, another great post!

  9. I have to say I miss Nikki. However, her words live on. Wow! I remember that quote she made. SMH.


    I knew that would get your emotional wheels spinning. Real fast. It does conjure up some powerful thoughts, as I see in your comments. Thanks for that.

    @Ms.Blackliterature... Hell N'awl it wasn't possible to understand it at 18. I was trying to tare up stuff when I was 18. Humph. I would love to go back and shake the cheese out of the 18 year old that I was.

    @Sasha... Honey, how old is you? 25, 26, aroundabouts... If you can figure something out at that age, then good for you. Sounds like you beginning to understand a thang or two about self-love... And that's a GOOD thang!

    @Shai... I miss her too. TERRIBLY. Just talked to her Mama the other day. Ugh. I miss her. I wanna go and find what post that came from. I know she got a good couple thousand posts over there, so It will be hard to locate. But I bet THAT post was a doozy. No telling what she was discussing in it. Sigh.

    @My future POTUS, not so ANON... Yo, red flags turning into burning buildings... YOU GOTS to let me use that in a story. You just gotta!!

  11. @Lee: here is the post. Found it real quick. LOL.

  12. Hmm! All I can say is I've been there. I think I may have to dig deeper & expound on this myself.

  13. JustMoe6:10:00 PM

    I so can relate.

  14. Jennifer11:39:00 AM

    the statement takes me right to that moment of realizing that I have invested my entire being in a relationship, but there is now no reciprocity from my partner. That I am trying to compromise and mold into a more appealing format, to "be the change I want to see" in my partner... but it is in vain.

    Like Chele, I am determined to never be in that place again.


Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!