Loss...

Still continuing with my quarterly assessment...

Loss...

Makes me think of one person these days.

The low point of last quarter for me was the loss of my friend Nikki, who I affectionately called "ATLien Nikki".

This really busted me up something terrible, because it was so unexpected. I really don't want to talk much about it, as although I am doing better with each passing day, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and the impact of her friendship on my life.

I am just glad that I am not a crying mess like I was. I haven't cried much since mid-September.

I got a little choked up at my last visit to my immunologist.

I was staring at her as she was reading through my chart, telling me that my cholesterol was great, and that my numbers look good. The lupus was still active (it has never been in remission), but my numbers were much better. She was happy with my weight loss. I didn't say anything. I was busy blinking back the tears forming fast in my eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"My friend died," I found the courage to say. "Of dermamyotitis, or something like that. I can't pronounce it. I know it's autoimmune. Do you treat people with that? I've read up on it, but I don't understand it. The symptoms are similar to my own, but I just don't understand."

She stopped me in the middle of my rambling. I never talk that much.

She said she did, and she had patients with it, and took some time to explain it to me. She usually talks "up" to me, since she always says "You a doctor, LadyLee, I know you don't want me keeping it simple."

But this time, she took time to explain it to me in a simple manner.

She talked of how there was usually something that went along with it and it had to be caught pretty fast. She then lectured me on how this is why she runs so many tests on me, many of which catch anything that creeps up on top of my own illness.

I nodded as she explained. It all made sense, what she was saying.

But it doesn't take away the pain.

I loss my friend.

This terrible thing happened, and you know, I don't expect people to understand. Nikki wasn't my best friend. A close friend, but not a best friend. But for some reason, people expect you to just pick up and keep it moving... like nothing ever happened.

I know this from sitting at Nikki's parents table, talking to her best friend.

"Lee, I don't know what to do. She was me, I was her. And people are tripping saying stuff like 'Girl, you acting like this was your man or something. Why are you so upset?"

That messed my head up. For the best friend is of higher magnitude than your man.

The best friend is the one who picks up the pieces when that man is tripping, or after the breakup.

The best friend is the costar of your life. My own best friend, LadyTee, has been the costar of my life for 30 years.

I'm suprised Nikki's best friend didn't beat the brakes off of whoever was saying such awful things.

And they were awful things to say.

And I can only imagine how Nikki's best friend feels. Me and Nikki had been friends for about 3 years.

Our friendship hadn't become close until this past year and a half.

She would listen to me cry.
I would listen to her cry.
She would let me know when I was wrong.
I'd let her know when she was wrong.
She celebrated my victories.
I celebrated hers.
She'd pray for me.
I'd pray for her.
She'd helped me out in some situations.
I'd helped her out in some situations.

To the point where we could look at each other and be like "Yo, that's my friend right there. That's who I KNOW got my back."

You don't really expect that out of someone you meet through blog. I met a TOTALLY different person, a bit different from who she was on blog. The same ol' Iniquitous One, Nikki, but with so many more layers...

So, there has been some distance. Nikki's been gone for close to 2 months. I am not the sniveling mess I was for so long. I can't remember a time when I'd cried so much. It feels good not to cry so much.

And I know people are wondering why I was so upset...

There are several reasons.

1. I have never lost a good friend before. I mean, we lose people, we are sad and hurt, but this was something totally different, to the point where I was wondering if I will ever feel alright again?

And it is rare to meet good folks as we get older. You know how we get all set in our ways. For me, my really tight friendships were cemented when I was younger. It's that way for me because people know the total "arc" of who I am. There are no judgments, they love you for just being you.

It was that way with Nikki and I. It hurts to lose that, as it is rare.

2. It was difficult to look at my friends after this. That question was swirling in my mind "What if something happens to you? What will I do?"

So I was isolatory. (Is that a word?) I needed to be alone with my thoughts. Didn't want to look at people, but was forced to. I am thankful for some semblance of returning to normalcy, but it was hard. I think I was suppose to go to a party the night of Nikki's funeral, and I could not bring myself to do it. People who know me well, know I can't up and fake it out when I am upset, sick or sad. I tend to be to myself. I don't apologize for that.

And with the added weight of looking at people and thinking "I hope you don't die, too," is difficult to bear.

I still think about that. I am still getting through that.

3. It is TOUGH to watch someone my age, with an illness very similar to my own, to die. I mean, it was unexpected and that was a shock in itself. It was tough just to see her deteriorate. It was tough to see her on constant oxygen. Just tough to see someone so vibrant and active at one time to be so sick.

I remember, maybe a couple of years ago over dinner, when I told her I had lupus, and had questions for her, since it ran in her family. She and I had issues after that because she was ALWAYS worried about me, and I had to get her to the point where she would treat me like I was "normal". We had a couple of spats over that. But as recently as this past March, I could see her pause whenever I cough, or her hard squint at me if I wasn't feeling well...

And it just really messes with the mind to see something similar hit her so suddenly and take her away from here.

It is difficult looking at the urn of ashes of a close friend.

Very difficult, and it really messes with the mind.

All this worrying about stuff... the type of cellphone one has, the type of car one has, etc...

It's all very minimal and moot.

Life can end... just like that.

It makes me think about what is truly important. Very much so.

4. I've never had anyone close out a friendship before. I like to believe that this is what she did. I didn't understand this until talking with some of her other friends and family. She'd done the same thing with her best friend. Nikki died on a Sunday, and I was to spend the Friday before that with her. But she wouldn't let me come around. Of course I knew she was bedridden, and heck, didn't bother me one bit to just jump in on the other side of the bed.

I got a little upset about that, but she said she was having a bad day. Turns out she was telling everybody that.

But maybe a couple of weeks before, I'd spent time with her. I had to say it was one of our best face to face convos, one of those life convos that you have with your girlfriends while you do each other's hair, or something like that.

We talked about much that night. We talke about when I almost died from my own illness, that whole body-shutting-down process. We even looked at an obituary of some cousin of hers who had just died of an autoimmune illness and had much discussion about that.

I didn't think much of this. No foreshadowing or anything. I was just happy to see my friend that day. She wasn't up to getting out of bed that day, so I had moved all her books and stuff off the other side of the bed and jumped in with her.

(Learned that from my best friend LadyTee. When I was bed ridden at the age of 15 (dislocated knee) and at the age of 32 (lupus complications),LadyTee would come over every afternoon after work and jump in the bed next to me and watch tv and make me laugh. Weird at the time, but comforting...)

Nikki gave me a hug, kissed me on my cheek and told me she loved me when I was leaving. She was too weak to walk me to the door.

And that was the last time I saw her. And I think that she wanted it that way.

I can only hope when my time comes, I have the chance to say goodbye to my friends and let them know what they mean to me. I really do.

Those are the main reasons why this bothered me so much. Nikki was someone I talked to every day and for that to be over hurts a lot. These days, I think of her genuiness toward me, especially in light of people who you think are your friends really probably aren't.

I miss the realness of her friendship. I am realizing how rare it is to have that in my life...

I am understanding that in all its rarity, not to ever take such for granted.

These days, I feel better. I hang out with her family from time to time. It is good to be around her people, and they are going on. I think her Mother had some of her friends "on program", i.e., we all had to take turns coming over, going through and helping sort out some of Nikki's things. I sorted through much of her yarn. Nikki was always hollering about us making little caps for newborns and donating them to the local hospital. I've decided to carry that little "dream" of hers on, and I've made that one of my goals for 2010.

So there is healing... with time.


I am glad of that.

I will forever miss my friend, for she was a TRUE friend, through and through.

I can only hope I was for her what she was for me.

I was fortunate to know you, Nikki. I truly was. My true friendships, well, I am more aware and thankful for them now because of you.

I thank God for our paths crossing. I never knew that us being fans of each others blogs would lead to such an important life friendship...

You will forever be in my heart.