Massive

Massive...

That's a small word, but with a big meaning.

Bulky, big, large, solid, or heavy.

Comparatively large: large in comparison with what is typical or usual.

I must admit that I am thankful for that.

I guess I better put that in some type of context:

I am thankful for the massive conversations I've had lately.

That is the only way to put it. My conversations as of late have been large in comparison with what is typical or usual.

Why do I say that? Because I think we are in a time right now where true heart-to-heart conversation is pretty rare.  I don't know about you, but I deal with a lot of superficial things, relationships included.

So when I have good conversations, escpecially massive ones, I appreciate it. I mean, I really appreciate it.

I always raise an eyebrow when such conversations come in groups. I noticed this back in October. Some conversations were in person, over the phone, or via text message. But it was a whole group of them right together. And with me, that is significant.

One notable convo that really stays on my mind daily is one that I had with one of my favorite readers over text messages.  She knows she is my friend in my head. She said something to the point that she wished that I had a relationship with my mother, and we spent quite a bit of time over a 4 hour time span talking about that.

And it was a good convo. Nothing really changed in my mind about things. I appreciate the fact that she didn't bash me over my thoughts. Trust me, I am not well thought of because of my choices. And I've gotten to the point where I have to move past that.

I was telling her that I have been emotionally abused all my life. And I simply don't want to deal with that anymore. It is a simple choice. One that I don't want or care to apologize for. If I allow anyone to abuse me, and I don't necessarily have to put up with it, then it is my fault if I DO stick around and deal with it.

That's probably the reason that I am very cut and dry with people. Man, if you are not adding value to my life, and most importantly, I'm not adding value to yours, then honestly... we don't need to be dealing with each other. If you're decreeasing me in any way, busting up my self-esteem, making me feel bad about myself, then I'm ghost. Toxicity is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

That make me a hard ass. So I guess that is what I will be.

I tell you what. When I adopted that attitude and stuck with it? Much much much much MUCH tomfoolery, ratchetness and bulls*** exited my life.  MUCH! It was like cleaning a nasty bathroom with a gallon of chlorox bleach.

Really though.

And that's a good thing.

And with the exit of the muck, peace had some room to come in and spread out.  If only a little. But the whole point is that peace is present. I just need it present and accounted for.

I just need some peace of mind. Period. And I have that. Unto myself. The goal is always peace of mind and making sure I don't disrupt the peace of those around me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One caveat there: there is a chance people will disapprove of me.

*ladylee does the hard shoulder shrug*

*ladylee does a REALLY hard shoulder shrug*

I know way too many people who live their lives based on "people-approval". They are some of the most exasperated and depressed people I know. Great folks. Everybody likes them. But it is hard work pleasing people. Hard work. You gotta be alert and on your toes at all times to pull it off, honey.

With all that said, that massive conversation sent my negro antenna up.  I saw it mostly as an "Oldgirl Station Identification" banner of sorts. You know, where I need to bring to the surface how I feel about things, since it's usually on matters I don't think much about anymore. It is a sort of stirring up of whatever is in the pot of my mind. I don't think much about my relationship with my mother. It is what it is. 

But it also signifies something much much more interesting: such massive conversations are ALWAYS forerunners... They are flags waving in the wind signalling for me to prepare for something. I will go so far as to say that I put them on the same level as answers to prayers.  They are significant.

And that reader is REALLY my friend in my head now. Thank goodness I don't live nowhere near her. I would harass her something awful, lol! That's my friend in my head!

I spent a couple of days wondering what that was about...

And then I talked to my sister.

"Ma wants you to call her. She's having a problem and needs to talk to you."

Hmmm...

To be continued.