Provocation Conversations

I seem to be having a particular conversation more and more these days...

And I find it very disturbing and distressing.

I had one convo recently.  And it has stayed with me for a minute. I asked for permission to post about it (as I always do), and the young lady said "Of course". It may help someone else's heart.

But let me rewind the clock back a few years ago, when these types of particular conversations first began...

One night my sister came into my bedroom, and said she needed to talk. It was late, and I was in for the night, watching television.

She'd had a bad run in-with her father. In a nutshell, he'd gone off on her really badly.

"My daddy called me and cussed me out like I was a n**** in the street."

Okay. I asked her why?  And I already knew the answer. He tends to call her when he is good and drunk, for whatever reason and snap on her. I think it has to be because he wants to see her more. But she doesn't go over there much because they treat her pretty badly. You wouldn't believe the types of things they say and do. It has me looking at her crazy, because you know me... I don't put  up with that type of mess. You can't treat me with respect, then I don't see you.

But her daddy--- he was my stepfather from age 8 to 14, so I know him well. He's a functional alcoholic and druggie, meaning he can hold down a good job AND have his own business while being an addict.

I have memories of my mother leaving in the middle the night and going to get him from some DUI mess. He also totaled a couple of trucks driving drunk.  I found drugs around the house a lot. I have memories of the house being filled with the smell of weed. He had a lot of friends around, and I remember thinking "That guy is cool... why is he shaking so hard?"  A little kid doesn't know much about seeing people in need of a hit.

Let's just say, I never thought much of her father. But that was her father. Her Daddy. She would complain about something he did, and me and my best friend LadyTee would laugh. "Girl, don't pay ol' Randall no mind!"

Randall is a trip. Whenever me and LadyTee use to go get the high schooler Kentucky from his house, he would yell "Don't ya'll be having out smoking crack and getting into stuff. You hear me?"

That man was serious about it too. My response was always "Randall! We're taking her to the Wal-mart for feminine products. And we're going to the beauty supply store! Calm down!"

But that was her Daddy. She has always thought the world of her Daddy. Me, I didn't get it or understand it, especially as she got older. And she has always wanted his acceptance. I try to understand. But hey, that's her father.  That's ol' drunk Randall to me.

So there had been a plethora of incidences of him calling and saying all kind of stupid stuff to her over the years.

"Was he drunk?" is always my first question.

"Yes," was always her answer.

"Well, why you worried about it? The negro is drunk. Don't pay him no 'tention."

Then my advice became more drastic. "Don't answer the phone, girl. If it bothers you, don't answer the doggone phone. If it's an emergency, he can leave a message."

That worked for a minute.

So I didn't understand why she was standing in the middle of my bedroom crying so hard.

She explained that this time was especially bad.

It took ALL I had not to just call him up and say something. I have had to straighten him in the past. When my sister was in her senior year of high school, she had all these college prep activities at the time and her Daddy wouldn't take her to them. (And her stepmother... uh, she was hollering about that ain't my child... smh). So I arranged with a friend of mine to help her (I was in New Orleans at the time, doing a post-doc). I told this friend whatever she needed, help her. Get her to her activities, etc.

He is ME in my absence. Treat it exactly like that.

Fine. Easy enough. Right? Problem:  my friend was a white male.

And Kentucky's father HATES white people. Oh my goodness. This confused me horribly as a child. I had to hear all these lectures on why "The white devil" was so bad. And I remember standing there thinking,  "I really like my friend Amy, though. I like my friend Ginger, too."  I knew neither of these white girls in my 6th grade class better step foot in our house, though. And I lost respect for him even more.

Anyway, he went off on my sister, saying she was sleeping with that "white devil".

O_O

Oh my. When my sister told me that... I went right over to her house.

Now, her father and stepmother are BIG on appearances and name dropping, etc. (That tells me much about a person in itself).  So I had a "Dr." on the front of my name, so I think they felt I was important all of a sudden. This was a bit annoying.

"Hey Doc!" her father said.

Doctor this, and doctor that. Doc, Doc, Doc.

*ladylee kicks the hard eyeroll*

"Can you step outside?" I asked him.

And I went off on him.  I told him that my friend. my homeboy, drives from 40 miles away to take YOUR child where she needs to go. She can spend the night and I don't have to worry about her. He makes sure she eats and is taken care of. He is me when I'm not here. You too damn sorry to take her where she needs to go. That dude is ME in my absence. So you better act like you got some sense, and show some respect.

That's what I said in a nutshell. Sprinkle that very liberally with cuss words, and you get my point. (I have grown so much. Oh yes. My cussing has been reduced by 99%. Glory).

My friend attended my sister's high school graduation and graduation party. "Kentucky's daddy is standing up when I come into the room, and grabbing my arm and shaking my hand hard and being nice," my friend said through laughter. What was that about?"

LOL!!

It's called straightening a joker out. And like my best friend LadyTee said to me recently... "With black folk, you have to straighten them. One good time. Straighten them, and there will be no more problems."

I don't have problems out of ol' drunk Randall. AT ALL.

Yeah. Straighten them. Early enough. Had to straighten that stepmother of hers too.

I gave you all that background, so you could see what we're dealing with when we are dealing with Kentucky's daddy... Good Ol' Randall.

His behavior with my sister was always suspect. He's a good guy, I suppose. He's her father. That gives him some credibility with me.

Just when he gets drunk... ugh.

So my sister standing there crying in my bedroom bothered me. But my actions are drastic. Leave folk alone. You won't be seeing me. Better catch me at a stoplight or a Wal-Mart. That's as good as it gets.

She isn't like me. She believes the best of people, and that they will change. I guess they will. I won't be around for that change. I have a habit of believing the best of people for YEARS, even though they make me feel horrible about myself. That thing ain't infinite with me like it is with her, though. I cut ties after awhile.

I told her to make some decisions. I asked if she is willing to be treated so badly the rest of her life. I didn't want to hear the answers. I was tired of picking her feelings and the emotions up off the ground, even though I do it tirelessly, she needs to think about things and figure out what's best for her. I was there to listen.

So... long story short, Kentucky sees him on father's day, and on Christmas, I believe. She let's him talk how he wants to talk, and keeps it moving. And she answers the phone when she feels like it. Good enough for her. They seem to be doing better because everything is on my sister's terms now.

It is... odd to hear her say that about our mother and her father.  "Things are on my terms now, Lisa. On my terms.)

O_o

Soooooo....

Let's move to one of the current conversations I've just had:

I was talking to a friend recently. She was all exasperated because she'd asked her father to keep her children for the day, and her father went off on her. Told her she wasn't sh**, and a bunch of other hurtful stuff.

And he said all these hurtful things in front of her two little kids. They are between the ages of 7-11 years of age. And it upset not only her, but her kids to no end.

DANG! One thing that burns my hide is when a child is handed an armful of emotional baggage. That's what happened right there. Kids handed emotional baggage. All emotional baggage starts in childhood. Shoot.

Why couldn't her father say a simple "No, I have something else to do."

No, he had to cuss her out.

So you know me... if you deal with me for any length of time, and you want my advice, I don't have THAT much to say... but I will ask you a laundry list of questions. Long. exhaustive. Detailed. Questions, questions, questions.

Now, I've had this type of convo many times with many people.

My biggest question is... "Is what your parent said true??"

The answer is usually no. And I know this girl. She is a friend. She has a huge impact on my life. She helps me a lot. She's a hard worker. She loves her kids. Her kids are the most exceptional little people I've ever met, hands down. I personally think she is a wonderful individual, and I am happy to know her. You know me... I don't do dramatic folks. AT ALL. If I smell the smoke of drama, even a hint of it, I leave you alone. You are NOT going to stress me out. I have violated this personal rule before and I've had to pay the price for doing so.

I ask the question though... because maybe she's a jerk, and I don't know it. Maybe she's selling tail on the corner or smoking crack, and I don't know. Maybe she is crazy and likes to tare up stuff. Who knows. I ask the question, though. You never know. 

We talked exhaustively about this, and I determine that it is a situation similar to my sister's situation: parent just tripping out. In my sister's case, she dealing with a drunk. In my good friend's case, her father has deep seeded anger issues.

Oh well... the next question is, in my mind anyway, "Why do we get so upset about this?"

Our parents are our first defense, that why. What they say is gold.

We continued to talk. And I consoled her.

And then she said something that almost made me blow a gasket.

"I called my aunt [I assume her father's sister] and told her about it. She said, 'You know how your father is. And you know what the Bible says, Honor your father and mother...' "

WOW!!!

So... the parent cuss you out and treat you like crap... and we gotta hear "Honor your Mother and Father..."

That's synonmous with a husband beating the brakes off his wife and folk quote that scripture "Wives, submit to your husband."

I like what my old pastor says about THAT one.... "Don't let your last thought be - just before that bullet coming at you goes through your head be - 'Gee... 'I should've left.'

Becasue abuse of any kind is not God's best for you.

I suppose that goes for any type of abuse.

Anyway, I told her that I think that verse is a total cop out. Preachers ALWAYS bringing that up.

Let's look a little closer at that verse:

Ephesians 6:2-3  Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother—this is the first commandment with a promise—³ That all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.

 

That is a loaded up verse. Act right towards your parents or you will die an early death.

 

That's the way I have heard it preached here and there, which makes me a little suspect. There are too many children that die early for this to be entirely the case. Even babies.

 

I look into things. I am a nerd like that. I will go read a book on something if it nags me long enough. The one thing I found on this verse, out of a commentary on it, was the following:

"Where obedience to parents is found, there is usually found along with it temperance, self-control, industry, regular ways of life, and other habits that tend towards prosperity and longevity."

That makes sense. Something comes along with obedience.

However... that still don't give a parent a right to dog a kid out. At least that's my opinion anyway.

Especially since I came across a verse of scripture that NO ONE preaches on. And what's interesting is that it follows up RIGHT behind the "Honor your father and mother verse"...

Ephesians 6:4  (Amplified version) Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. 

Hark! An instruction for parents regarding their children. Isn't that interesting?

So... it's essentially a two way street, hunh?

I feel like this: if you gonna dog me out, you better follow up with helping me face in the right direction in which I should go. You better be giving me proper instruction. Otherwise, be quiet.

And if that isn't enough, let's take it further... There is ANOTHER verse of scripture concerning how parents should relate to children:

Colossians 3:21 

AMP version: Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]

NIRV - Fathers, don't make your children bitter. If you do, they will lose hope.

TYN - Fathers rate not youre children lest they be of a desperate mynde

(Uh, excuse me for a second, but what is this tyn = tynsdale version?? What the world? Never seent that before. Hmm.)

Interesting indeed.

Making a child bitter.. Goodness. It has ramifications.

And harrasment and provocation and irritation of a child by a parent can bring on the following::

1. lost of hope
2. feelings of inferiority
3. discouragement
4. sullen behavior
5. morose behavior
6. frustration
7. A broken spirit

Can I submit to you, just looking at this list of negatives, that a child who feels this way may have problems in adulthood?  I think so.

And if you are like me, and you see some young teenager acting a fool, you holler "Where is his Mama at?"

We make the connections in our mind, don't we? Kid gone wild- must mean that Mama or Daddy ain't doing their job.

Does this negate honor and respect of a parent?  Of course not!

The young lady that I was talking to about all this is exceptionally respectiful of her parents.

I myself am respectful of my mother. My brother and sister are very respectful of our mother.  Anyone will tell you that we are great kids. All of us. I don't think our mother thinks so, though. And that is okay.

My mother has some stepchildren (through that 3rd ex-husband of her's - that fool Ray) who she absolutely adores. And they are off the hinges. Extremely violent kids with all kinds of drug and alcohol addictions, drug selling, DFACS coming to the house taking the kids, etc... All KINDS of drama. WOW. They do stuff that us, the biological kids, haven't thought of doing. One kid, who is my brother's age, and who I actually liked, well, he's doing a LONG bid in the federal pen for murder.

Yes. Lots going on. And our mother LOVES it. She doesn't care for her own kids lives of low crises. It's not interesting, I suppose.

I know, one of the most memorable things I read in the Walking through Walls book that I reviewed is that you need to really take the time to sit down and think about what leads to the problems and behavior of your abuser. I mean, really spend some time to think about it. Because it didn't just appear out of thin air. It's a root to it all. And it has nothing to do with you. There's some deep rooted stuff going on that hasn't been taken care of.

I know with my sister's father, we understand that a lot of the kids my sister age (around age 30-35) in the family are buckwild and crazy. So it is automatically assumed that she is that way. She's lumped in with the rest of them. So it is easier to understand in that context.

They have convos about my sister. "Kentucky be all out in the streets, running the streets," he and her grandmother [his mother] says.

Uh, no sir. You don't know your own daughter. She doesn't "run the streets".

(If you think "running the streets" means some of the recent things she does with me - picking berries with me on a farm, and accompanying me to various doctor appointments for support... then, oh well).

Now, with our mother - Our mother is dramatic. Loves drama and a good fight. Interestingly, my sister, the good and docile one, is the only one to get into a knock out-drag out fight with my mother.

All I remember is my brother, who was 11 at the time, squinting his eyes and whispering "Lisa, I saw the whole thing"... then him commencing to re-enact the whole fight. Several times. Everytime we talked about it.

And it hurt my sister so bad. She's not violent like that. But she was provoked, push to the brink. I have anger issues, but it rubs me the wrong way to raise my voice at my mother, or any elder for that matter. We are respectful. I told her I've been pushed to the brink, too. Didn't touch Mama, but yelled at her. That takes much time to get over. Much. We are good respectful kids.  And she should forgive herself for the fight. We are good kids.

And so is this young lady. She is still dealing with it in her heart.

Why does it hurt when parents verbally abuse or abuse in any way? Because parents are our first defense. If anyone should believe the best of us, our parents should. If anyone should be our champion and cheerleader, it is that parent.

And words are seeds.  And it is confusing and hurtful when a parent sows that negative seed. It is planted in the fertile soil of our hearts, and it grows... and grows... into something. Those words establish deep roots... because they were spoken by that person who we have come to know as our first defense.

Man. I've had this conversation more than I care to count.

So I had one more conversation: with my friend.  I talked to my friend about these things. Her spirit was so broken. I hope I was helpful. That is always my goal anyway.

I hope she can hold her head up and be proud of herself and who she is - a great daughter, a great mother...

... And she's also a great friend to me.