Black Ice

Oh yes....

'Tis the Eve of the 44th year of the life of your Friendly Neighborhood Original Oldgirl LadyLee...

Have I drowned you all enough in the Food-for-Thought?

I actually have a total of 20 posts, but I think we will all self combust and mentally implode if I posted them all. Food-for-Thought posts wear me completely out mentally. But they are good for me to write, you know?

Anyway, one last post here before my birthday...

This one is about that black ice in my life.

The slippery places.

We have black ice problems down here in the deep south. We can be driving along, and see ahead what looks to be a puddle of water on the asphalt, when it fact it is an ice slick.

I have panicked slammed on the brakes when rolling over black ice. As a result, I have skidded. I have seen folks go into a full spin.

Needless to say, I don't like black ice.

I really don't like the "black ice" in my life. Those places in my life-emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally- where my heart goes into a tailspin. I hit the brakes and I skid... and I panic and I don't know what to make of it.

Yeah. Black Ice.

The issues of the past year that I am trying to rein in right now. I won't list them all, as this post would be novel length. And I don't want to be up allll night typing.

Driving. I am skittish now when I drive. I cannot STAND driving next to big vehicles every since that tow truck hit the original Lucy the Lexus. Large vehicles bother me. I am not terrified, just acutely aware. I am working hard on this. I notice I stay away from these large vehicles, but most times I can't avoid it. My only thing now is to to just work through it. I have mostly avoided the route on which I had the wreck, but these days I have been driving so that I can just work through that fear.

Mommy Issues. I don't have a relationship with my mother. As far as I am concerned, I never really have. But I stayed out of her way for the past 10 years or so. This time has been tempered with confusion, shame, sadness, and finally some acceptance of the situation as it is. I might as well live a happy life. Period.

So what's the problem? I'm having to continually pick my sister's emotions up off the floor after her run-ins with our mother. This year has been particularly bad, as my sister is getting older (she's 32 now), and she is figuring out that she doesn't have to put up with such brutal emotional abuse.

I have been angry over their volatile relationship, but I don't remember being as incensed as I have been in the latter part of this year. My mother has pushed my sister to the brink emotionally. And some of you have met my sister. I am the crazy unpredictable one, but my sister is the meek and mild one, and she wouldn't hurt a flea. But they had a terrible run-in, and it almost made me pick up the phone and call our mama and tell her:

"Leave my sister alone!!!!!"

Oh, you don't know how close I was to calling her. I mean super close.

But I held back. My mother has a violent temper, and I inherited that temper. It was not going to be pretty. And mother these days, when she gets angry, she runs for her guns. I ain't 'bout to get shot fooling with her.

So I pray... albeit disgruntly (if that's a word). I pray for my sister's heart and emotions. I have shed tears over this. We both long for that mother-daughter bond. I have thrown in the towel, but I just don't do well with seeing my sister hurt and in tears. Not well AT ALL. I want her heart to be alright. I don't want her to define herself by this mess.

And I want my mother to leave my sister alone. If you don't like her, leave her alone. Stop tripping out on her.

I know my sister is tired of me hollering "Look, MY Mama live over in Alabama."

I don't deal with this foolishness. Because she knows I don't claim our mother. She is a bit foreign to me. I can't fool with someone who loathes us so much. Man.  When we do run into each other, it's good superficial conversation... She has figured out that I can bring the crazy just as much as she can, and that's not a good combo.

But I really want my sister to have some peace. I really do. She deserves it.

This is a work in progress. Just when I think I am alright concerning it all... I slip on that black ice.

Father issues. I have written about my father issues over the past year. I won't rehash them. But his family thought that he was about to kick the bucket, so they called me. Lo and behold, the man got better. Didn't know my presence would help Ole dude.

I had made a habit of going over there once every couple of weeks. Some times it was okay, and sometimes it was not. It was always uncomfortable. Me and this man look alike. We have the same personality and sense of humor. We're both quiet.

But I haven't been over there since November. I got caught up working all that overtime around that time, and I was tired. So I did my own thing. And this isn't good, because I needed to at least stay consistent. But I made my way over there one day and dude was laid up in his bed drunk. And you know... that was too much for me. I try to do the right thing and call before I come over so that he can have himself together, but that day was too much for me. I think I stayed long enough to show my face, then I was ghost. I don't do well around drunk folks, as I have had my own drinking problems in the past (most likely inherited from him, I suppose). So I have to figure all that out, and make my way back over there.

I must say I am afraid. Afraid, in his drunken state, he will fuss at me for not coming over. Yet he doesn't so much as pick up the phone to call me. Everything seems to be on me. Everything.

I am mentally spinning on the black ice of this issue. And I am wondering where I will land.

Work. I must say that I like my job. Mostly because I can show up in some sweats and a head scarf if need be. And I make GREAT money. This is especially good when I don't have kids and responsibilities tied to that and what it entails. I work only 4.5 miles from home so I don't have a real commute. And I am doing something where I utilize that doctorate in chemistry. I am Dr. LadyLee. Queen of Chemistry Land. LOL.

But I am bored. Unfocused. Unmotivated. I am loud about this, but nothing much can do about it. The boss is struggling too. This is the first job I've done for so long, as I have been on the job for 12 years. I think there is an opportunity coming up this year, but I don't see it ending my boredom in anyway, but it will be better than what I am doing now.

So I am working on that. My ideal situation would be making 20% more money working from home. That is what I dream of.  We will see what happens this year. I have a feeling that it will be an interesting year in that regard.

Writing. My writing. My writing, my writing, my writing.  Writing is my happy place. It is a place where I get lost and I find my true self and my true purpose. I love to write.

You know, this is the first year in a decade that I haven't been hard at work at some facet of a manuscript? I have been more concerned with editing, which is not as fun as writing. But I have been doing that sparingly.

This past year has been one of those years where I have tossed the computer to the side and picked up my yarn and crochet needle. I got many a blanket done... but if I would've spent an equal amount of time, or even half the time on some writing, then I would be further alone to publishing some material.

Sigh.

I am trying to change that up this year.

I have posted some 8 pieces of flash fiction up on blog this year, mostly from my writing workshop. I LOVE that short form fiction.

I also love creative nonfiction. That is essentially what this blog is all about. How creative can I get in vividly expressing to you various aspects of in my life (mostly the funny things)?

I think about spiritual matters some 90% of the time (The other 10% is my personal ratchetness). Did you know that on this blog of over 1700 posts, there are over 350 food-for-thought posts?  I would love to cull the best 100 of those into a book of some sort. I have lofty aspirations concerning these things.

I don't particularly enjoy writing long form fiction, but I have much of it laying around that needs to be stripped and rewritten. And that I will do... eventually.

And I am reminding myself that it's not that much about talent... it's about habit.

I have been thinking about that.  Every single day.

And I have been thinking about my writing partner out on the west coast... and how I need to do right by him.

Indeed.

So those are just a few of my figurative slippery places, places in which I am trying to find my footing and find my way.

My hope is for these issues to be resolved...

My hope is to find warm sunny days where the very memory of black ice is utterly remote.

And the pains from slipping and falling have long gone.

Stay tuned for my 44th birthday post.

And don't forget to comment for entry into the 44th Birthday sweepstakes. Get that money, honey.

Get that money... 

On purpose.