Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday Freestyles... The Jerk Edition

Good Friday Afternoon.

The weekend is nigh. I can almost reach out and touch it.

If only it was that simple.

My weekend starts in about 5 hours. And I can't wait.

Not that I have much of anything to do. I'm just looking forward to sleeping in. I've been going to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning. I'm not sure what's up with that. Poor Oscar-Tyrone can't even hang with those type of hours. I get a little jealous looking over to see him wound into a tight curl in his little bed, fast asleep. That should be me.

Sometimes I feel like a child: fighting sleep, because I'm so scared I'm going to miss something.

I'm not sure what I'm missing at 2 in the morning, though.

I know one thing: I'm feeling much better. I'm not sure why I was all nauseous. It could come down to me eating or drinking something crazy. I know I have a problem with pomegranet juice lately. Or it could come down to my meds. I'm not taking one right now because it is delaying my surgical wound from healing. I may be having a reaction to all that. I don't know. I just feel a little better. Now, I'm not out eating a plate of chittlins. (You know you feeling good if you can hold that down). For some reason, I eat a bunch of fruit during the day. The thought of anything much heavier than that scares me. This is bing cherry season right now, and for now, I'm a cherry eatin' chicken!

Kentucky. My sister Kentucky... sigh. She had a car accident a couple of weeks ago. Everything is fine, but she JUST paid her car off, so she was antsy about that. Anyway, this chick rear-ended her. And the chick had some bootleg insurance. It's legal and all, but the people are hard to work with. They're giving her the runaround. I'm glad her car runs, but the bumper is slightly out of place. I just don't want it to be totaled.

She needed some help the other day, and I was a bit beside myself because she didn't call me. She called her best friend, and it all worked out.

But she said some other words... "I thought about calling Mama..."

Ugh. I was driving down I-85, heading to work at the time. And this brought about one of our ongoing discussions. "Man, why you wanna call Mama, and she tripping still?"

This is my thing: They are still on the outs after this whole Grandma thing. Now, they have some quick general convos. Not sure what that's about. But they rarely talk. Why call her?

Kentucky has always had this thing about "keeping her options open."  If she's in need of help, she needs to be able to call folk. Now I understand that. Being the jerk that I tend to be, I don't have much of anyone to lean on when I need a helping hand. Luckily for me, a helping hand is rarely needed.

When I say "being the jerk I tend to be", I mean this: I don't consider myself a nice person. To some extent I am. I ain't gonna use you or throw you under the bus or nothing like that. I won't steal from you or hurt you in anyway. I won't be gossiping and backbiting. I don't manipulate or play silly mind games. That's just not me.

But here is what would make me nice, in my opinion: having the patience to deal with people, no matter how they treat me.

And I just can't do it. I'm really a jerk on that tip. I'll stop talking to janky folk. You treat me like trash, that's MY fault for letting you do it. That's on me. And I don't do well AT ALL with people who treat everybody around them all crazy. You treat your friends like trash, having them all exasperated and what-not... you're not gonna treat me any different.

My sister and I talk about this. She gets along with everybody, I don't. At least she tries. I don't.

I like my relationships genuine. Build me up. I build you up. Be a blessing to my life. I'm a blessing to your life. Don't bring unnecessary drama. And I don't bring the drama either.

Over a span of time can we each mutually answer the following question: have we been a physical, emotional, spiritual and mental asset to each other? Or have we been a hindrance to each other?

If the answer to that question goes in a negative direction, well... you know.

Did your life go downhill when I came on the scene? Did my life become a living hell when you showed up on the scene?

And my sister and I talked about this. Personally, I need to find some balance. I need to learn how to deal with folks I don't like. I can, and have. But I don't do well when it's ongoing, like on a permanent basis. I don't do well AT ALL. I am an expert at disappearing on folk. A well-seasoned expert. And that is something I don't particularly like about myself.

I like substance. The older I get, the more I want substance. My heart sings when we... me and you... interface well. When we can walk away from our interactions built up and not all dejected and exasperated.

Lord knows I know some exasperated folks. Goodness. People sho' nuff know how to put the people around through an emotional wringer. It is sad to see.

Oh well... just one of those ongoing conversations, I suppose. A complicated yet delicate one at that. My sister and I will continue to pontificate.

I don't know why she didn't think to call me with this car issue. I am itching to get away from work for any doggone reason. I could've rented a car for her and come on back to work. No big deal.

But I know she has to work things out for herself.  And I must do the same. I love that we each give each other the room to do so.

Oh well...just a little freestyle look into my heart of hearts on this Freestyle Friday.

That's what on my mind right now. That, and getting to a point of feeling a little better.

Song of the Day. I know I play this song at least once a day, either during my drive to work or my drive home. Michael Jackson "Heaven Can Wait".

Teddy Riley produced that song. I like when pop stars go back to their R&B roots.

That's all for today. I am tired. I want to get through this day and go home and enjoy my weekend. I don't plan on doing much. I may go to the library and do some writing. As long as it is QUIET. I don't do well with noise at all these days.

I hope you have a good weekend!

By design... and on purpose.


  1. Hmmmmm. I must be a jerk too. I'm just too old to figure out how to make room in my life for people who are difficult. I like positive people around me. All the sour pusses and negative Nancys can go have several seats in a room that I am not currently in.

    1. I do think it's an age thing. I wasn't like this some 15 years ago. Well maybe I was, but it is BAD now. My tolerance level for the negative is VERY low. Heck, I don't even deal with my own negativity these days. ugh.

      I would like to be like some folks I know. Able to get along with everybody. But I don't like the level of frustration and exasperation that goes hand in hand with that.

    2. I said on Facebook one day I need a vacation from my own thoughts. Struggling with my own legacy of folks who tried their best yet I took on some no so good interpretations of their truths has me wrestling with self a lot.

      Yes, I get tired of my own self. LOL. Whew! I have to say to myself, Girl shut up. I am glad I had friends like my late bff who died 3 weeks ago and others who listen and encourage me.

      Chile, my moms tries that being friendly and getting along with everyone. It is hard for me. It even feels fake. I do the best I can and move on. If it is uncomfortable I retreat.

  2. I must be a jerk too. I don't like messy. i tend to keep to myself. I don't like confrontations. I know my other side will come out and it ain't pretty. I don't want to expend energy that way.

    Surgical wound? You had surgery?

    1. Check your email.

      Not the "other side", Shai. O_O

      That's my problem. When I snap, I snap hard. And it ain't pretty AT ALL. Why don't I just avoid all that. And I feel so bad about going ballistic. But people know how to push your buttons. Goodness.

      But man... just the art of being able to stealthly exist in the midst of some tomfoolery and not let it get to me... I wish I had that ability.

  3. Sometimes it kinda spooks me the way your blog posts seem to read my mind...Like Shai said, I wonder if I'm a "jerk" too because the older I get I don't have a whole lot of patience for people who are unkind to others and/or to me. I'm in the middle of that kind of episode right now, struggling with backing up forgiveness with demonstrated affection. And i just can't--at the moment. I got burned by the stove and I feel the need to keep away from the heat for a little while. I have to learn not to expect too much from some people--they are who they are just like I am. And it's best to be at peace about it, there are just times when I need a little distance from the disappointment...And lo and behold the phone rang and it was the "person of my distress" reaching out--i think that may be a little sign--don't stay away too long. Okay I won't, but I also won't set myself up for another hurting disappointment either. Loving thy neighbor as thyself requires you to love yourself too!

    1. Josephine you said it so eloquently and a mouthful. The last line about love I am SMH.

    2. Josephine is on point! She says what she has to say so eloquently indeed! Yes that last line is the "essence" of the balance that I am trying to strike. And that is tough! I need to go write that last line down.

      I am forever a Josephine stalker stan! Sitting next to her in writing class is like sitting next to the Queen of England! She is most definitely my friend in my head :)!

  4. Sorry, but you are a beautiful person with a wonderful spirit. Nice is't all it is cracked up to be and it is way too generic. :)

    You are not a jerk at all.

    1. Come on, babes... look at the post in context of what it's about!

      I agree that "nice" isn't what it is all cracked up to be. I know some pretty frustrated and exasperated "nice" people. and they are that way because people wear their emotions out something awful. I don't want that. I want some balance though.

  5. Ms. Ladylee,
    I think that sometimes you have to be a jerk. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I'm not trying to take the opposite view just to start some ish but to say that niceness isn't all that it's cracked up to be. There is a book by Tucker Max called Assholes Finish First which is a good read and mostly true concerning the ideas even though the writer is not too kosher but really real none the less. No matter where you are, you will get hit with some "jerkishness" some of the time. Just talking.

    1. I do think sometimes you have to be a jerk. I asked someone once, when they were complaining to me about the way a "friend" was treating them... close your eyes and then open your eyes and imagine it is 10 years later... Do you want to be experiencing the same mess?? Or do you demand that people step up and treat you the way you need to be treated (in other words, do you be a "jerk"?)

      Hard questions indeed. I prefer the latter. But I also want that "know how" of getting along with everyone. Not sure that is really possible.

  6. I wrote a looooooong post but it disappeared! Sup with that? Nevertheless, I always read but I don't always comment. Great post!

    Btw...I love that song by MJ! One of my favorites by him. No lie


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