A Most Important Gift

So, this has turned more into a "Who are You?" week, with requests made by a few of the House of LadyLee patrons of the journal entries mentioned in the post "WHO are YOU?" .

I think I have 3 more requests to go, but before that, I wanted to post something I received from a friend a few weeks ago...

And this thing I received... well, it changed my whole view of the true meaning of the holiday season. I don't really care for the holidays, as the emphasis on all things commercial and material are suffocating. I am so totally opposite of that.

But this gift I received, made me think of this season as more than that.

And I oh so needed that right then.

I was strolling through Publix one evening after getting off from work. I remember it being VERY cold, and I was very miffed because we had ran out of STUPID stuff at home, stuff I should have gotten on my weekend grocery trip. Stuff like dishwashing liquid, toilet paper... stuff like that. So I wasn't in the best of moods. And Publix is high as hell, but only a couple of blocks from the job.

I was picking up these few things I needed (and some that I didn't), when my cell phone rang.

I answered it. It was a friend of mine. We'll call her "Dana".

I was suprised when I saw her name on the cell phone screen. I hadn't talked to her in about 3 months. (I rarely call people. I have to gear myself up to do that).

"'Sup, gal?" [Ya'll who speak to me regularly know this is my usual way of answering the phone, lol]

"Hey girl!" she said.

We talked for a few moments. I heard at a meeting that her friend's husband had committed suicide. I talked to her about that, and how she was handling it. She said she was okay, getting along okay.

"You were on my mind, Lee. I was sitting here reading through my old journal from back in 2006, and I wrote something about you. I said to myself 'Let me call this girl'"

I didn't know what to say about that. I continued pushing my buggie through the aisle, trying my best to remember what else I needed.

"We talked about some things back then, and you helped me put a name to something that I was dealing with."

Now, I REALLY had no idea what she was talking about. We have had many important convos over the past couple of years. She and I have the same chronic illness, and she has been REALY helpful to me in that respect. It is good to have someone to talk to who can relate to me in such matters.

"Okay," was my simple reply.

"Like I said, I wrote about you, and I just had to call you and say thank you."

"Okay," I said again.

"I want to read it to you. You have time?"

Now, Dana is a GREAT writer, a GREAT journaller, and is one of the BEST wordsmiths I know. She has one of the smoothest silkiest reading and speaking voices (something I absolutely don't have), and I always tell her how I love to hear her read, and I wish I could read like her. We know we are in for a treat when she reads her words to us in journalling group.

So hell yeah... She could read whatever she had written! Who cares that I was doing some grocery shopping. READ TO ME!

LOL!!

I was on the baking supplies aisle by then. Thought, even though Publix is highway robbery, I would check to see if they had sales on stuff I needed for my cookies.

"Yeah gal, you can read to me! You KNOW I don't mind."

Then she read something that had me all choked up.

Ya'll know how hardcore I am. I'm a tomboy for life... HARDCORE. Rarely cry about ish...

But what she said, about ME of all people, someone who kinda prefers to stay off in the background...

Had me in tears.

"Wow," was all I could say.

"I thought you should just hear that."

"Wow," I said again. I was replaying her words in mind, trying to remember the many she had just read.

"You know what? I'm going to sit here and type this up and send it to you."

"Wow." Yeah, it's the only word I could utter.

"I'm going to do that right now."

"Okay," I said. "Shoot girl, I may just frame that and hang that up on my wall."

We laughed about that. But heck, I wasn't playing.

We said our goodbyes. I forgot about what else I needed.

I couldn't think straight.

Her softly spoken words were something that had erased all the woes of the day... even the hard gas face I had about having to go in Publix for "stupid stuff".

It was like someone had just called and told me that I won a whole bunch of money.

But this was intangible. Intangible things mean more than me than tangible.

So I told her I may post part of it, the words she sent me.

Hell, I'll just post it all.

So these are the words she sent. I am leaving it "as is", in tact, with my real name.

Alesia,

You know that I am a rambler and that I tend to go on and on so these are just a few lines from my journal entry that I wrote about you on December 20, 2006. That is one of the best things about journaling…looking back on the journey. You have been a true inspiration to me and I am ever so thankful that we crossed paths. You were there for me, really without even knowing just how much you were helping, to redirect my path. You opened up and gave me you – no rhetoric - no meaningless or useless “there, there…everything will be okay” kind of mumbo-jumbo, but real talk. Real sharing and understanding. I appreciated that. Keep on letting him use ya!
The words in blue italics are some of the exct word that I wrote about you in my journal. Please pardon any typos ;-)

Today this one Sista, Alesia, who happened to be new to the Journal Writing Group, opened her mouth and her words began to flow as quick and as slick as honey from a honeycomb. I mean the girl had such a way with words. Her thoughts were my thoughts, or so it seemed. She spoke openly and passionately about what was on her mind and didn't seem to be afraid of sharing her inner-most thoughts with the world. I envied that. Her words were poetic. I found myself paying close attention to every word that she uttered. I might even say I was ENTRANCED. I began to look forward to our Journal Writing Group meetings solely to hear she had to say. Wondering what's been going on in her world. The more I listened the more I learned.

Over the past month or so I have found an unlikely friend in this Sista and I'm all too grateful for her. this Sista that I've been talking about has become very intricate in helping me to know and realize that the time is now to reveal myself. Remove the mask. Let people see you for who you are... the real you and that includes your pain and disappointments. I've been able to share things with her that I haven't shared with anyone else. She's been very objective and I thank God that she did not allow herself to be fooled by my packaging. Adequately, she has identified my real issue...I mean, at my very core I've known all along but was ashamed to term it for what it was.

I am living and operating on fear.

…she called today I was having one of my "I don't feel like talking to nobody, not even Jesus" moments, so I almost didn't answer the phone. What made me spill, I'll never know, but I do know that nothing is by chance. NOTHING. God knows what we need and sometimes he delivers it in the most unexpected packaging ;-) Certainly I never expected that she would be the one to help me see that it was time to take off the mask and come clean.

There are people that I love and who love me but they don't know me. Why? Because I'm busy hiding. Again, I say that God knows what we need and when we need it. I’ve always been told that you should never judge a book by its cover. I just knew when I met her that we would have nothing in common. She was just somebody else that I sort of knew and someday would say I used to know.

This Sista was there for me at just the right time and here it was that I initially looked right pass her and gave her no or place in my life upon meeting her. I am ashamed. No, she hadn't said anything that I hadn't heard before but there was something divine about the way she listened. it was really good to talk it out
She helped me to see and I know that I have to begin to peel back the layers and reveal my truest self. I know that I can no longer live in fear, but most importantly I know that God has sent to me An Unlikely Friend. I say AMEN!


That right there? Goodness gracious alive. Almost got me weepy again.

That really just, I don't know, moved me.

And I must say again, it was the best gift I've ever received.

I feel like God was thinking about me, even as I was grumbling and pushing my cart through a grocery store.

And for her to take the time to write it up and send it to so I would have it.

Girl, I thank you MUCH for that.

You know, I've grown up all my life, with a mother who made sure, for some odd reason, to criticize me for who I am, because I was simply being ME. I was stupid, abnormal, someone with psychological problems (all of which are not or never had been true.)

It has affected me in so many ways, all my life, to the point where I am pretty much a loner, really. People who know me know how unusally quiet I tend to be, and how I snap when attacked.

I have always wanted to be mentally "free" from that.

Truly free... in my mind, heart, and spirit.

This letter, Dana's few simple words, was something that really broke the shackles on my mind. They really did.

I have goodness. I have purpose. I can have a positive effect.

I am not a bad person.

I know that now, 100%.

And for that reason alone, I must say, that this has had to have been one of the most important gifts I have ever received in my life.

And "Dana", for that, I am forever grateful.