Friday Freestyles,,, The Emotional Edition 1.0

My goodness.

Friday once again.

I've actually had a pretty good week thusfar.

For that I am happy.

And I happen to wake up at 5 in the morning... and now I am watching the Royal Wedding. Didn't think that would be happening. But alas I get up around this time every morning. I don't have to be to work 'til 10, but I have way too much to do in the mornings. The earlier I get up in the morning, the better.

Thoughts for the week:

Tornado Devastation: You know, I didn't understand that storms were coming that evening. I hadn't watched the news at at all, and had been involved in other activites. But Alabama was hit, and upper Georgia was too. A friend was in the midst of it. And I paid attention then. And prayed.

I know my neighbors thought I was crazy. I like to practice.. i.e., I stood on my porch and rebuked this wind and rain. Spoke aloud some words from Psalm 91. And rebuked a little more.

This reminds me... Man, life changes in the blink of an eye. In the twinkling of an eye, really.

My heart and prayers go out to these people. Life has changed. And to me, it's not the event that causes the most pain, but the residual long term effects of the event that does the most damage. I hate that. I pray lives will come back together, and the people can go on... somehow.

Birthers. I have issues with this whole Obama birth certificate mess. I have to work really hard to not think something is wrong with these white people. Now folks, like Trump, are all up in arms about President Obama's Harvard education. Any respect that I had for Trump, I lost it. Folks know they show their true colors over time. That's true for you, for me, and these birthers.

I work for the government. They get up into every crook and cranny of your life when it comes to getting security clearance. Uh, I bet they did with President Obama too. Much more so.

I am associating all this with an inferiority complex. I've dealt with this myself over my professional career. You really mad because you don't have the education or position I have. That is all. So President Obama, I hope you remember that. These people simply feel inferior to you. It ain't you, it's them.

I've had the same issues. People question my education because of my gender and the color of my skin. When I was in my early years of grad school, I was the only black person in the class... and had the best grades. Among mostly white well educated males. I changed my perspective.

Because in my heart I was thinking "You're white. You suppose to be better than me. And you're not?"

I learned in my early 20s that black people are just as capable as white folk. I wish more of us UNDERSTOOD this. When talking to young black folks about grad school, and their angst concerning it, I have to let them know... you're just as good as them. You'd really be surprised at how much so.

Listen: the most powerful man in America is a black man (Barack Hussein Obama). The most powerful woman in America is a black woman (Oprah Winfrey).

The most dangerous thing in America is the eyes of black children gazing upon these two people.

Sit quietly, and ponder that... why don't you.

Royal Wedding. This has been the HYPE for a few months now. I hope they live happily ever after. There has to be a 0.000000000000001% chance of getting that whole Cinderella thing to happen in your life as a woman. I hope they live happily ever after just like in my fairy tale books. That all depends on keeping that Queen out of their business. I do beleive she is the family member that keeps a lot of mess going. Man!

I remember watching Princess Diana wed Prince Charles 30 years ago. I can still see my young 10 or 11 year old self sitting in front of the TV, staring, wishing I could be so lucky. And then watching the events of these people's lives unfold over the years, help me to come to a realization: to be happy with my own life, because when gazing upon the perfection of others, things are not what they appear to be.

No I am not glamorous... no, riches do not abound. No, millions don't gaze upon my life wishint they were me.

With that said, I am happy for my own life and the uniqueness thereof. No one walking this earth before me, no one living now, and no one in the future will have the exact same life walk, emotions, hurts, triumphs, pains, joy, etc... that I have had.

That makes me unique and special.

And the same for you too...

Not because others approve or say so... Only because it is what it is.

Other concerns. Well today, I think we suppose to do something new called "Lunch with the Director", where each group has lunch with the director and voices their concerns. I don't buy it, and I'm not going. It's hard enough to cope with going to work in a low morale workplace. I don't do well with brownnosing activities. Not well at all. I want to go to work. Do the job that I am paid to do. I will leave the politics, with all its built in ulterior motives, to others who take joy in that.

I was talking about it on Twitter last night with Cowgirl Cre. She is my good friend of 15 years, and is well tuned and familiar with all sides of me, and loves me nevertheless. I have to remember that others are listening in to these convos. I think people saw a dark side of me, and this is odd, because I am fiercely guarded when it comes to my feelings about things. Very private when it comes to my emotions and anything bothering me. We all have our less than happy side. I've had to apologize for this completely normal part of human psyche more often than not. As a result I am very good at talking to hurting people. I have hurt at times, and there was no one to listen. It's the least I can do.

Listen. I've dealt with emotional and mental abuse in my life, within family. It has taken much to get past that. I don't think you ever really get past it. I learned one thing: I have a choice in the matter, and I choose not to subject myself to it if any way possible. So my threshhold is a bit low when it comes to abusive behavior of people. Just yesterday, I had to talkto and encourage a contractor who was yelled at by this man because she was moving between labs without an escort. I must say I was embarrassed by his actions. It is depressing when you know you're dealing with people who are not kind. But it is what it is.

I've been spoken to roughly in a meeting. And I don't think it helped much when I demanded that my "Dr." title be used in official capacitieis. You don't say that to people who don't have a title. But I don't care. You WILL follow proper protical and show respect in official capacity. You will. As I will and don't hesitate to do also.

So I'm not going. I don't even go to "mandatory" company wide meetings because people come back from them depressed. When there should have been some "rallying of the troops", some morale building. And there is none. I tend to move toward activities where there is uplifting of the people, or where I can be of some use. And I don't see that here.

I don't want to be depressed and talked down to today. I'm no fan of psychological games I have a choice in the matter. It is my choice.

And then there's a precarious rule I have. I can put any decision into two categories:

1. Things I will do from my heart, or because they are the correct things to do, whether I like it or not...

2. Things I do for people's approval. If I don't do these things, people will disapprove of me, look disfavorably upon me. Make judgments about me.

Anything that falls into category #2, I automatically do not do. Under no circumstances. And if you got a problem with me, I just located you. And that's cool. LadyLee needs to know how people feel about her. That always comes out. Nothing wrong with that. If you love me despite my "flaws" that you disapprove of... well, that's a very good and true and honest thing. I respect that. I try to do the same.

I work on #1. It is work. Tough work. I am a selfish woman. #1 burns off selfishness.

#2... is cut and dry.

Hope I ain't depressing you. This is my blog, my place to get my feelings out from time to time. I try to stay true to myself, and not say what you want to hear. This is where my head is.

I ain't depressed. I've had a good week this week. I've been working hard on spiritual things. Some things I like, some things that help me grow, and some things I don't like. Somethng interesting has been going on with my prayer life. 1/3rd of the year is almost over, and I am a bit overwhelmed at some of the answers that have shown up. It's odd when you can say "Well problem solved, over and beyond what I could even ask or think. Ain't gotta pray about that anymore."

Lately, I've prayed about things, and answers have come in the very next breath. Very odd. Or should it be odd, and not the norm? I must think on that. Pontificate and ponder.

I've slept EXTREMELY well this week for some reason. My homelife has been great, and I am happy for that. Even Oscar-Tyrone has a little more pep in his step.

I am looking forward to a good weekend. If the weather is good, I hope to get some yardwork done. And there's a Lupus walk on Saturday. A short one (I think they know we all got horrible joints and can't walk and run 5 and 10Ks. This is only a 1.5 mile walk which is no problem for me). IF I can find a parking space at the park, I will participate. Even though it wore me out last weekend, I will try to do a little more painting, just a little. I may go to Church. I may attend a FFF meeting. Not sure. I don't have anything useful to report or offer right now concerning that. I owe quite a few people some cookies. I better get on that, as I don't like to mail them when the weather gets hot.

Add to that all the errands I have to run and chores I have to do and the weekend is packed to the hilt.

And that's a GOOD thing.

A very good thing.

This post has ran a bit long... Can I get a song of the week in?

Song of the Week. Stephanie Mills "Whatcha gonna do with my Loving", circa 1979.







Not sure why that song is heavy in the car and the IPod. It makes me happy I suppose. I have a very loud sound system in my car. I know folks in the hood are NOT happy with that, lol.

My goodness. This was an emotionally loaded friday freestyles. We'll try to keep that at bay in the future.

Ya'll have a great weekend. . . On purpose.