On Being a Fool

I wrote a post on Friday titled "TGIF... and Not a Fool", and one of the Original Oldgirls LoveBabz left a comment saying in effect that post was going to live with that post for awhile.

My eyebrows raised mighty mighty high when I read that. I thought, "Babz is gonna
write a companion piece to that."

(Babz is reading that saying "What is she talking about").

Yes, Babz, I said that... in my head. Yes, it's borderline stalkerish.

Additionally, I wrote a post entitled "The Great Assessment" back in 2008, where I reposted a GRAND scale assesment questionnaire, courtesy of Cheap Seats Terry... and LoveBabz has run with remnants of that every since. There is a semblance of those questions there... namely Who am I? What do I want?

Anyway, she wrote a post that blew me away. Left me walking away, and thinking... and thinking, and thinking. It cleared up MUCH for me.

She knows I will lift WHOLE post of hers and repost them over here. She'll be alright (and she gave me permission long long ago. Hope that still stands).

A FOOLISH WOMAN'S MEDITATION ON BEING A FOOL

Where am I these days? What am I doing? It's been a hard winter and not just because of all the snow. It was hard because I was tying to be in a relationship on my own terms. Meaning I wanted him to do as I wanted and have no opposing opinion. Yes I was that woman for well over a year. A controlling, manipulative witch. My way or the highway chick. I was dreadful. Then I had the nerve to act as though I didn't understand why this loveship wasn't working. Hilarious! I mean I really had my panties in a bunch over not getting my way ALL THE TIME. Ha.

Yes I could wax poetic on this blog about growing and loving love and embracing the now. But seriously I wasn't doing enough to invite love in. I was not being welcoming. I was being guarded. I wanted love at arms length, without risk, without real commitment on my part. Who am I and What Do I want?

Love is deliberate. Love is courageous. If you are afraid then you cannot love. It's that simple. If you are guarded then you will not experience the fullness of divine love. Making love is not the same as love. Making love is the physical manifestation of desire and if your lucky there's some love thrown into the mix. I have had loveless sex more times than I care to think about and still longed for a deeper love after many nights of the most illicit sex. For me sex is not the binding force of a loveship. I want more.

The kind of love my heart and soul desires is the kind of love that says come and let me wash your feet. Let me serve you. Let me be kind and generous with my time. Let me share my deepest thoughts and long kept secrets. There is no other love that can satisfy the soul. I must love deeply and fully from a place of trust, joy and faith. Yes for the sake of another, but most importantly for my own well-being.

I am still too much for the fear and often I don't even recognize it, until after I fixed my mouth to speak coldly and nasty to my beloved. I don't recognize myself in those moments when I am quick to hurt and tear down trust, faith and Love's possibilities for the future.

I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH. I have been a fool. I have been a fool. I have been a fool.

Wow... Babz.

You pulled out your Original Oldgirl Platinum Plus Card and swiped it!!

At first glance that post is something to be reckoned with. It gets to the core of self assessment like none other I've read in a long time. But I've read it a few times, and it does get to the very gist of human behaviour, especially for me as a woman.

Babz assesses herself as being foolish...

And if that's the case, I want her to know and understand that we have ALL been foolish.

I think a better word than foolish, though, is SELFISH.

We've all been selfish.

I have been selfish.

I have been self-serving, thinking only of myself, controlling situations in order to make myself happy. It's all about me, myself and I.

What about me?
What about what I want?
I want MY way. Your way doesn't matter.

And that, ya'll, right there, is what I feel is the root to all of our relationship failures and mishaps and personal isshas in general:

I am selfish.

And THIS is foolish. The epitome of foolishness.

Because let's face it... look at any of your breakups. Somebody in it was being selfish. SOMEBODY. Either you or your significant other.

Our society celebrates selfishness. Frowns upon selflessness. Being unselfish is painful, you see... makes you feel like you are losing something. Selfishness means gain. Selfishness means prevention of losing something.

Or does it?

Does my selfishness gain me anything in the long run?

Does my selfishness prevent me from losing something?

And this post, this post that Babz just poured her heart into was a study in her own selfishness, how she didn't bring the advantage, how she didn't build up her significant other. How she was concerned with what she wanted. Right then and there. And how it affected her "loveship".

And a realization of embracing the uplifiting of another fully doesn't only help her man, but helps her and who she is in the long run.

I could on and on, because there is so much there. But I want.

That was deep, Babz. I see something different everytime I read it. I see pieces of me in there, too.

I know my peoples over here on the Porch of the House of LadyLee will see their ownselves, and pieces of their own life and attitudes within your words.

I know they will.