Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Food for Thought...Love, Trust, and Baggage, Part I

I like going to church on Friday evenings. It is a befitting start to my weekend. I always hear a good message, and it is something that keeps me pondering all weekend.

One of my favorite ministers is Minister Corey. He is the singing minister.  Here's a picture of him singing hard.

You see, he use to be in an R and B band some 25 years ago. And he loves to sing the oldies.

And he has the best singing voice. I wish he would sing the whole song in his baritone accapello.

But maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to sing a whole Stylistics or Earth, Wind and Fire song in the church house.

But he sings the verse that gets his point across. And hey, that will work.

And it is befitting, seeing that everybody know some old school music.

"That's sacrilegious!" you may yell.

Whatever. The major point here is that he gets his point across.  And whenever I hear a song on the radio that he was singing, i am thinking about the point of that particular sermon.

And it works well with the series he's been ministering on for the past 3 years:  Marriage and Relationships.

Me and Kentucky were out bowling around Christmas, and Teddy Pendergrass' "Turn off the Lights" began to play over the bowling alley's stereo system.  Minister Cory sang a line of that in
a sermon that focused on emotional and physical abuse and the cyclical nature of it all (intense romantic highs followed by abusive lows).

I tried to explain to Kentucky on the spot, the whole vicious neverending cycle of it all, and how to evaluate if you're caught up in such.

Kentucky blinked. I saw the *crickets* in her eyes.  And she lifted her bowling ball and rolled it down the alley.


I guess you had to be there. We sit and listen to his sermons with the wide eye O_O look.  

It is tough to hear the good bad AND the ugly of marriage... most notably the root of many issues.

What has been particulary interesting are the sermons on baggage... emotional baggage, that is.

Where it begins, the root of it all, and how and why it affects us personally and our relationships.
And it turns out that baggage begins in childhood.

Upon first hearing that, I was like "nah, that can't be right."  But when I sat there and thought about my own personal issues and shortcomings, it is true.

You were living your carefree childhood life until some adult just shuts you down when you are trying your best to express your feelings. Or you saw or experienced something traumatic. Or you come to the conclusion somehow as a child that you are unwanted, despised or not loved. A whole host of scenarios can occur, whereby a child is handed a load of baggage by some adult in their life or some situation...

And then you grow up.  You form relationships and friendships of your own. 

And you still have that emotional baggage from childhood in your hands... along with more baggage that you've picked up along the way.

So with that said, the anatomy of arguments becomes a bit clear. We aren't arguing with our spouses/friends/significant others about the mess going on at the moment, but we are arguing about built up things that have been irking us for years.

For instance, Tommy's behavior towards you is bothering you. Everytime you try to talk, he tells you to shut up. He won't hear you out. So you blow up. Not only because of that, but because those last  few boyfriends treated you that way.

Worst, Mama, Daddy, or some teacher treated you that way.

Makes for an intense argument... 20 years of built up baggage that was never handled years ago.

Baggage that was never unpacked and dealt with.

Sounds a little extreme, but as I sat in the pew scribbling my notes it all made perfect sense to me.

People who abuse others, well, they were probably abused in their childhood. Or they saw someone being abused. That is a simple enough example.

People who have trust issues have had trust issues for awhile. I myself have trust issues. It comes from when I was young. I was really stealth about protecting my business and feelings. People who know me well know that if I’m upset or hurt, I shut down. I rarely share my feelings with anyone. To this day, my feelings still get blown off (if I share them), so it is still rare for me to share. It is rare to who I can share my feelings with and I don't get laughed at, but I am allowed to talk, I get good advice, and I feel good afterwards. That is RARE. So as a result, I keep things to myself. Not good, but a way that I protect myself.

It’s that old baggage, It’s like a monkey on my back. Me and siblings figured out long ago… share your feelings if you want to. It WILL get used against you in some way. And hurts, especially when a parent does it.

And that ain’t cool. Especially when that fear, pain and baggage gets carried over into other parts of life, and it becomes lifelong.

I am learning the importance of recognizing these types of deep rooted behaviours and the need for taking them to God in prayer and asking for help and clarity about it all.

And that’s the gist of what those sermons on baggage were about. Like I said, I thought about much while scribbling notes in my notebook.

Makes for an intense Friday evening, doesn't it?

And he has been ministering on this series for the past three years.

So much affects our marriages and relationships... He can go on for years and years and still not run out of material to teach on. And it helps that he is a church marriage counselor. He has seen it ALL, and then some.

And when it comes to the issues of love and trust, well...

That's a whole nother story....

To be continued.


  1. Interesting indeed. It's amazing how much influence adults have on children as they are growing up. I've learned that baggage, of any kind, can come from misinformation we have learned about how to deal with loss. And we (as in adults) hardly take a close look at our beliefs on how to deal with things to see if they are accurate or even helpful for us. The repetitive use of unhelpful things is what can create emotional baggage that limits our ability to paricipate openly and fully in relationships.

    Daggit Lee! Now I have to think about this some more.

  2. Anonymous8:00:00 PM

    DEFINETELY food for thought....I can only pray that my "stuff" from my childhood( mom was a teenager when she had me)...hasnt been projected on to my sons...

    Thanks I'll be thinking on this a while...

    Dee in San Diego

  3. See, stuff like this stops me in my tracks. I don't want my kids to have ANY baggage from me as an adult.


Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!