I have seen around that Thursdays usually mean "Thirsty Thursdays", i.e., it means I should go out and get liquored up tonight.
Nope, not me.
I told Play mama a couple of weeks ago "I need a drank!"
She lovingly said "No, you need cold water with some lemon in it. That's the type of drank you need."
*dumps water on Mama's head; throws a sack of lemons at Mama*
Sometimes it gets that way, and I very rarely drink. Last drink I had was when me and my sister went to Red Lobster for my birthday back in february. She had sangria and I had a margarita. And that was that.
No drinks now. Maybe that water with a side of lemon, like Mama suggested. That would do an Oldgirl good right about now.
Jury duty. A month ago, a jury duty notice arrived in the mail.
Wide sweeping, grandiose imaginations blossomed from that notice.
I told my boss, "I'm gonna be on a big murder trial. And I'm gonna be the foreman of the jury. Believe that."
"Yes, I'm going to be gone all summer. Longer than summer. Until Christmas."
"Yes! Until Christmas."
Man. The night before jury duty, you're supposed to call a number, and they will tell you if you have to report, or if you're excused.
My group was excused. We were not to report.
DRATS. I was so upset, I shed a few tears.
"Surely I heard that wrong. Surely!"
I dialed the number again. And nerp. I heard it right.
*big crocodile tears*
I just wanted a day away from work. Anything. DRATS.
Oh well, not a bad thing to dream.
I quickly got over it.
Puzzled Oldgirl. Here's a picture of the crossword puzzle I'm working on:
Gargantuan thing, it is, covering a good part of the dining room table. I like to sit down and some 3 to 5 clues at a time.
There are some 1400 clues.
I will probably be working on it until Christmas. Yes indeed.
And I don't even like crossword puzzles. But this one was begging to be done!
VACATION. Guess what!?!?! Tomorrow is the start of a 5 day weekend for me. I am not going to believe it until I open my eyes in the morning and my day has started.
*lee jumping up and down on bed*
You know, someone told me to stop asking for time off, and to just put my requests into the system. It will either get approved or it won't. And it got approved.
That is the new order of the day.
It almost makes me want to crank up Lucy and go outta town! Road trip, Road trip!
My imagination is running wild, just like with that jury notice coming in the mail... imagination gone bonkers.
No telling what I will do. I'm just glad to be off. I was sitting in a meeting today writing down things I have to get done.
Oh what a list it is!
And I am glad of that!
So with that, have a great weekend! I will probably drop a post or two. Who knows.
All I know is my weekend starts at 6:00 pm... and I will be busting through the door like cattle gone wild!
No, April 2008 to be exact. Although I don't quite remember the exact day. But I remember the month. It was the near the beginning of spring, very hot, which had us all thinking that it was going to be a smoldering summer.
I was riding the subway in New York, the orange M line to be exact, making my way up to a meeting in Manhattan on 14th street. I was to pitch some products from our new line of nifty gadgets, and it would make us a fortune if only we could get the proper investors.
At the moment, I didn't need a fortune. I only needed enough to buy a decent suit. The tweed three piece suit that I wore was tight on me. It was ten years old and well past its prime.
And that's when I saw her, a lady in lavender, coming towards me, a bright smile lighting her face, her head crowned in a garland of flowers and lace.
She walked up to me, pulled a flower from her hair and stuck it the lapel of my suit jacket.
"A flower from Megan," she said, her voice light as silk. "A flower for good luck."
I looked down at the slightly wilted flower, then back up at her. I pulled it from my lapel and handed it back to her. "No thank you."
"Oh no," she said. "No, you keep it. It is free of charge, for good luck."
I stared down at the flower in my hand.
"For luck," she repeated. "For good luck."
"I need some luck," someone shouted from the seat behind me. "If he don't want it, I could use it."
We both looked behind us. The request had come from a disheveled man in bad need of a bath, some clean clothes, and a haircut.
"Oh," the woman, this Megan, said, her smile even wider. "There's enough for all to go around."
She handed the disheveled man a flower. He stuck it in his matted hair and walked away grinning hard.
I smiled too, as I stuck the flower, the wilted daisy, in my lapel. I quickly made a mental note to throw it away before my presentation.
The woman continued down the aisle of the train, passing out silly daisies, imploring people to take them for luck.
I made it on time to my presentation and gave a spirited talk. The investors snickered continuously during my talk. I thought it was because of how great my ideas were, but when I opened the floor for questions, one said...
"Why on earth are you wearing a silly daisy?"
My heart jumped. I'd forgotten to remove the flower from my lapel.
I peered down at the daisy. It was bigger now, petals strong and supple.
And now some four years later in 2012...
I smile myself at that very question.
Silly Daisy Gadgets were born on the day.
There's one or two in every household.
I wish I could find the lovely Megan properly thank her for the luck she brought me that day.
On a New York City subway.
From Women of Color Writing Workshop, May 18, 2012.
10 minute Writing prompt: use the following 4 subjects in a story:
Where: New York City Subway When: April 2008 Who: Megan Color: Lavender
I posted up a REALLY long post last week on Monday night, but I woke up the next morning, and it was GONE. I wrote it on my netbook, and your friend Oscar-Tyrone decides that the keyboard is just big enough for him to sit on and to warm up his butt. (Yes I am blaming him. He sits up on it whenever I leave the room for a period of time.)
But a few people caught it in their google readers, and I obtained a copy of the rest of the post. I can clean it up a little better, especially since I'm in a better mood.
Something interesting happened at the end of my day last Monday. Right at 6:30, when it is time to go.
I'm usually antsy around that time. One of us, Commander Meek Meek, who is the basis for this character in one of my stories, or me is usually running behind. And we end up waiting on each other, and sometimes end up not leaving until 7:00 or later.
It's all good. Doesn't make me happy, but it's okay.
When it's that late, it's quiet. People are usually gone. I am usually quiet most of the day when I'm at my desk. Unless I'm talking to CowgirlCre, I ain't talking much. And whatever I say, I better make sure it can be spray painted across the sky because you best believe folks be listening HARD. I doubt I have anything juicy going on to gossip about, but stories of lore can be weaved from innocent conversations.
Anyway, Meek-Meek and I were talking around 6:30. She and her family had a 2 hour juicing expedition on Sunday night. They juiced brussel sprouts, green beans, asparagus, broccoli... and more craziness. For 2 hours. I was looking at her like O_o. I can't imagine. They were juicing gallons of it. It was no surprise to me that somebody got sick off of it.
Man... I get my juicing done in 5 to 10 minutes. That includes cleanup. They doing too much.
Anyway, I don't remember how we got on this topic, but she said someone in the fam told her to make a collage of all the things she wanted to accomplish.
"A vision board," I said. "A vision board of sorts."
"Yes," she said.
"I have one," I said. I turned to my computer and found it on my blog. "I have a vision statement too."
I found it on my blog. I told her of how I even had a "vision statement". So we took a look at my vision statement.
"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."
I had to smile to myself. I haven't looked at it in awhile. I even memorized it at one time, as it gave me something to focus on.
And right now, I have so lost focus.
She really likes it. I told her that it is a thermostat of sorts. It is where I set my internal "Thermostat", hoping that I will mature over the years and reach what that vision statement encompasses. Not now, but someday.
I like it because it is MINE. No groupthink involved. It has nothing to do with what the crowd is doing or what is trendy right now. It is MINE. For me.
It is personal.
But it was interesting to look back over it and see how much I've grown.
And of course, it is interesting to pause and look at the areas where I am stagnant.
I am a good asset to my friends. Not incredible, but good. I tend to be a loner, dwelling hard in isolation. I ebb and flow in that area. But I am a reliable friend to some extent. I don't inject drama and confusion in people's lives, so there is much to say for that.
I am a good listener. I gotta do better in the area of finances, but that's always a given. I hope I'm a blessing to family and anyone who crosses my path.
That 100% health in soul, spirit and body. Sigh. Man. Jesus take the wheel. That is all.
I had planned to add more and more to the vision statement over the years. I found that there is no need for that, though. The few sentences above are enough for a lifetime. I mature in all that, then I'm a fully balanced individual, and much will grow out of that.
It was good to talk about it. I even did a series of posts on each sentence around the time of my 40th birthday. A simple deep thought and assessment of myself according to each sentence. It was quite carthartic. I will most likely go back and read over that, since it's been 2 years since I did all those posts.
But you know what was really interesting? And really put a smile on this lurchest aunt esterish face of mine?
It was the vision board itself.
It is hard to see. It's the only picture I have of it. I thought it was silly at the time when I made it - January 2008 for a journal writing group meeting- but it was fun to make.
Fun to dream, if only for a moment.
I placed the vision statement in the upper right hand corner.
You can tell what my passion is. It is writing. A third of the board is taken up by that. I have all the titles of my books in a shimmery gold glitter bookcase.
At that time I'd never been on vacation as an adult. In the center of this vision board was a beautiful island.
And my dream car is near the bottom of the poster. Hard to see, but it is a 1999 or 2000 gold Lexus ES300.
I got a little happy when I peered at the picture, and explained the different things to Commander Meek Meek.
I've been to several countries since then... Mexico, Aruba, Turks, Dominican Republic, Curacao. I've seen Cuba and Venuzuela from afar, but haven't been there.
And then there's Lucy. My Lexus, Lucy. I've had her for 3 months now.
Interesting... it's the exact same one as on the vision board. I think it's the same color too.
Sooo... vision boards are a good thing, aren't they?
Might be time to sit down, on a rainy Saturday perhaps, and make another one.
No telling what dreams will come true in the next few years.
It was refreshing to sit back and talk and verbalize it all, if only for a few minutes with my coworker.
I really needed a bright spot in my day that day. SOMETHING.
And it was a day where I just happen to peer back at an old vision board... and had a chance to remember and appreciate that even though life may be blah and stagnant at times, that it really isn't. As long as I'm alive and breathing, things are happening. Life isn't stagnant, but still fluid. It is always moving, flowing like water, even if I feel the waves or not.
Sometimes it takes looking back over a span of time to see that it is most definitely true.
And oh how glad I am of that.
I am never standing still. Never.
Something is always happening.
And for me, that something is always good... or moving in the direction of good.
That is my confession.
Good things are happening. Whether it feels like it or not... Sometimes it takes a span of time to see it.
And that, my dear, is a good thing. A very good thing indeed.
So last week, I was strumming along, and I couldn't get a post up for Friday. Seems as if I need google chrome now to post from work. Sigh.
And after talking to my sister on Friday evening, I determined that I'd already posted 32 days in a row, one day over my goal of 31.
So I will put up Friday's post tomorrow. It is the second half of the lost post from last Monday.
But today is Monday. A new day. And I am happy for it. And I am still pondering my quiet weekend. My goal was to keep busy. I tell you, I have been battling some serious insomnia over the past month, so the weekend is my time to catch up on my sleep. Not this weekend. I thought hard about all the things I needed to do. Friday, I didn't get in until 11:00, but my mind was working out a few things I wanted to get done on the weekend.
With that said, I had a decent weekend. Nothing earth shattering, no major fireworks or anything. Just a decent weekend. My mood has been improving somewhat, so that's a good thing.
There were bright spots in last week, i.e., I had a couple of writing activities to attend, and that always makes me happy.
I asked for a day off. Boss looked at me like I was crazy. Someone told me to just put my time in the system and keep it moving. My goal this week is to put all that time in for the rest of the year. I have about 4 weeks of vacation time to disperse, and I plan on using 3 weeks worth over the rest of the year. I figure if I keep asking, it's not going happen. And I think that is just part of my being down: I really need some time off. I am thankful for my job, but I must admit, I do not like it. I will be thankful and keep it at that. But I need to take some time off.
This weekend's major goal was to cut the grass. It's about 8 inches tall, and I know I needed to do it. My regular yard man has put me down for whatever reason. I see this dude cutting GROWN MENS yards. Here I am a female, and I need the help. But since he's being a jerk, I'll cut my own grass. Humph.
And that I did. EARLY on Saturday morning, while it was cool. I know people were laying in bed and doing what I do when I'm awaken by a loud lawnmower...
"Who the heck is that cutting grass this early on a Saturday morning!?!?!"
LOL. Luckily no one came outside and started tripping. It wouldn't have bothered me one bit to bash a joker upside the head with my trimmer.
Anyway, for whatever reason, that was a good time for me. I don't know why. Maybe because it was still cool out, and the sun was beaming hard. It was very quiet in the hood. I managed to finish the front and back yard by 10:30 am. I think I went in the house and laid down for awhile.
I didn't plan on going anywhere, but it was such a pretty day that I got out. I haven't cut my hair in a year, and it's doing some weird stuff. I REALLY need some stronger combs, which I am not all that happy about, i.e., maybe I need to throw a perm in it and keep it moving. So I went and got those.
I went to a BOOTLEG wanna be Sams near my house, where all the ice cream trucks, etc., get their stuff from. STRANGE place. Found it fooling around with LadyTee a few years ago. I needed some little cups for my salad dressing, and you can get 200 of them for 5 bucks. (I swear that stuff up in there is fenced).
Wanna be Sams... sans the music and lights (It is dark in there). No front door either. You have to run up through an open dock.
I would take pictures if I knew they wouldn't shoot me. I'm telling you, all that stuff is fenced.
I was looking for 20 oz plastic cups with lids for my juice. They didn't have them. So I got out of there.
Then I went to a particularly jovial thrift store near my house. My sister told me about it. It was in the movie ATL. She said they had head scarves there. They had some, but I didn't see anything I liked.
That was about it for my Saturday. Sunday I went to the natural foods co-op for some fresh fruit and veggies for juicing.
And I managed to get some housework done. Not as much as I like, but enough. And I am glad of that.
No, like I said, no earth shattering, eyebrow raising drama over here.
I don't care for that.
But I needed to have a productive weekend. I feel like the needle of my mind has been set on either idle, or the wrong things. And I'm not the type to be knocked off kilter and let troublesome things bother me like they have in the past couple of weeks. That happens occasionally. I try to stay focused on the positive. Because the negative it just that: negative.
And who needs that.
Quote of the Week: From my Sunday Church notes
"God can see past the clothes you put on... into your heart, into your very motives."
I made sure to write THAT down.
And I will be pondering that the rest of the week.
I hope to have a good week.
Thank goodness a 3 day weekend is fast upon us. I cannot wait. Nope, I don't have any plans. I will surely be making some though.
Me and CowgirlCre were working in our cubicle space this morning.
I'd been sitting in my cubicle working on paperwork that is left on my desk. I was peeved about sitting in traffic for over an hour (My drive to work is no more than 10 minutes) and was whining extra hard to my boss about not wanting to put in leave.
"It is NOT my fault that there was a 10 car pile-up!"
(At the same time, telling her if I had to put in leave, then fine. At least I wasn't in the pileup).
Things had calmed down in the cubicle after the boss walked away.
I got back to my paperwork. CowgirlCre reached over and shook my chair and pointed at her computer screen.
And it said Donna Summer had passed.
That was one singer I remembered from the seventies.
Most notably, I remember the Bad Girls album cover.
My mama had just bought the album. I had to be around 7 or 8 years old. I sat in the middle of the floor staring at the shiny cover.
"Mommie, why is she leaning against a pole?" I asked.
"She's a prostitute," she said.
I remember dropping the album cover to the floor, and clamping my hands over my mouth.
I'd been running around singing the song "Bad girl" pretty hard. Shouting "Hey Mista! You got the time! Mista!"
After that I remember hearing the song, and thinking "I'm not suppose to be listening to this song here!"
But what a song it was.
I loved Donna Summer songs. Especially the ones that had the long slow preambles. I loved how they spun out into these high energy disco songs.
Here's one of my favorites.
Donna Summer may be gone, but her music is timeless and lives on.
Standing there alone, it looks like an ordinary number.
More specifically, it is defined as an even natural number that falls between the numbers 9 and 11.
It means a little more to me than a mere natural number.
And I have been pondering it, this number 10. Pontificating for the past couple of weeks, this number, this interesting number...
It makes me shed a tear. It makes me breathe a sigh of relief. It makes me give thanks.
This number 10 means much to me.
Actually, I've been thinking about it all year.
But I've been thinking about it much more for the past few weeks.
For 10 years ago, back in 2002, I was diagnosed with lupus.
And 10 years later...
Here I stand.
10 years ago this time I was in the hospital, receiving IV and blood transfusions, barely able to move. It was something else.
I had never talked about it here on blog. I would never want anyone, not even myself, to think I use it as a crutch or an excuse. Why, even to this day, I work while I'm not feeling particularly well. Not a great thing, but if I can move, I can work. I'm slow, but I can do it.
But two or three years ago, I'd mentioned in a blog post being a woman living with a chronic illness. It was in a list of statements I wrote about myself, and I let readers pick which ones they wanted me to blog about. I remember hesitating before even typing it, as I don't care to talk much about this thing, this "chronic illness". But it is a major part of life, a part of who I am.
As luck would have it, Southern Black Gal raised her hand and picked that one. She wanted to hear more about it.
And 10 years later, it is intriguing to remember. Like I've said, I've been reminiscing for a little while about it.
I know back then, I didn't know what my life would be like going forward. I knew I wanted to be self sufficient. It was difficult learning how to walk again. My biggest milestone was waiting for my brother, who was 13 at the time, to get home from school and for him to let me hang on to his shirttail with my fingers and walk very very slowly behind him a tenth of a mile up the street to the stop sign...
Then walk back.
THAT meant I was doing good. Real good.
And then, some months later, to be able to eventually walk 3 miles at a good pace?
That was progress. It meant something.
I think about these things when the petty things of life bother me, like they are now. Up against this, virtually most anything is petty. This past week, I've been thinking about a time when I was laying in a hospital bed, with plastic lines of some unknown person's blood snaking into my arms.
Everything is petty when compared to that.
Over the years, it has given me pause. I can't do as much as the next person. I know my limits. If i do too much, it will wear me out and I will have to rest for a couple of days. I find it beneficial to eat right. The more vegetables and fruit I eat, the better I feel. I've been able to knock the severity of my symptoms down by 90% with that. On the scale ranging from light to severe, with moderate being the midpoint, my numbers lean closer to the light side. (That's a good thing to see on my bloodwork). Of course I'm still on meds. I need them, even though they are low dosage. I can deal with that. I don't have the luxury to turn my nose up at medicine. 50 years ago they probably didn't have these meds available. So for now, i will deal with it.
My worst issue, which aggravates my lupus, is stress. I feel my best when I'm not at work. That is all I'm going to say about that.
Another issue... I don't have much hair. It grows slow and does strange things. And that is fine. Things could be worst. Hair is just that: hair.
I think about the lupus before I do something major, like when I was considering buying a house. I have to think about it. I will always ponder what I would have to do if I couldn't take care of myself in the future. And I just have to decide to step over the fears and question marks and do the things I want to do anyway.. do it in the midst of it all... almost in an act of defiance, as if to say...
You will not control my life.
I will live and enjoy life and all that goes along with it.
I will concern myself with dire things if and when dire things ever get a notion to present themselves.
Yes I will.
But as for now? I think of the number 10.
10 years later.
I'm still here.
Here I stand.
I have had joys and disappointments, highs and lows, great achievements, trial, tribulations, laughter and tears. I've had it all...
I had these uber grand plans for my weekend. It is amazing how optimistic I was about it on Friday. The week had been quite trying, and doggone it, I was going to do all these great things. I deserved it.
Alas, that didn't happen. Here it is, evening time, time for bed, and I haven't stepped foot out of the house.
Although I did peer out the window. It was a pretty day.
It really was.
So I will post a Saturday 7. 7 thoughts, 7 activities, 7 things I did today.
Something like that.
1. I got up super early before dawn. I couldn't go back to sleep. There was this terribly LOUD bird chirping outside my window. Made it difficult to pray. I kept pausing to listen to it. I was irritated by it. I was hoping it wasn't some strange animal, like a rat or possum (not sure what sounds they make).
And I was at that time thankful to see another day. And to have good hearing, where I could hear this really loud bird.
2. I crocheted today. I'm trying to finish up a baby blanket. I don't feel as if I got far. I'll work on it some tomorrow.
3. I didn't juice today. Today seemed to be a junk day. Strange. Saturdays, I allot for such. A junky Saturday indeed. I feeling a bit left of center right now.
4. I washed clothes today. Not a chore I care for. Even though I only have 2 loads a week. Not my favorite thing to do.
5. I took several naps today. Good sleep. But bad dreams. It's a wonder what goes on in the subconcious mind that happens to leak out in dreams.
Either that, or I need to stop sleeping with the TV on.
6. I talked to my sister for a couple of hours early this morning. I found myself yelling about some things. I didn't realize how frustrated I am about something that happen this week. It was good to get it all out. Always good to talk to her. And she knows the belligerent side of her sister. That's a good thing.
7. I'm watching a good lifetime movie right now: Mother Knows best. This woman doesn't like her son-in-law, so she paid someone to have him murdered. That didn't work out. The hit man was an undercover cop. Go figure. That's the pure drama of a Lifetime movie, man. Good stuff.
So that's my Saturday Seven. I have a few more things to say, but we will leave it at those 7.
He looks like he's ready to attack. He looks like he's in pain.
He looks like I've felt all week. Emotional. Mad. Angry. Confused about stuff. And a host of other thngs.
I have just wanted this week to be over. Way too much going on for my comfort.
I was sick the first couple of days of this week. This is hard because I have to work, and I push to work while sick (nothing worse than coming back to work and being way behind). I don't take off unless I can't move. I was feeling faint for a few days. Turns out that I was dehydrated and was having some issues from that. I'm glad to feel better.
I got confused about what was going on with a friend. Still don't know how I feel about that. I feel like I've gone through the emotional equivalent of eyebrows being singed suddenly. Well, I know how I feel, but learned I just need to keep it to myself. I feel like I was labeled as something other than a "true friend". Alright. Still trying to process what that means. I've had to decide that if I have to spend this much time processing, well, maybe I'm not a true friend. If I was, I would understand what that mean,. So the process of getting past that has begun. I need to be me and get back to the business of stop being overly concerned about things that are stressing me out, yet have nothing to do with me.
It's gonna be alright. Yes sir. I am glad of that.
Work has been...yikes! Today was a doozy, as someone tried to throw me under a bus in a meeting. WOW. How cantankerous. He didn't get the result he wanted. Someone said they saw the look on my face and it was not good. I think dude realized it. I only deal with a handful of people at work. He got tossed out of the hand. Don't discuss things with me and then go bring it up in a meeting because you didn't like my answers. Not cool. You should score on that type of thing when you get a chance. Next time it happens, I won't be so polite.
Humph. But I know one thing: I am glad I have a job. I even got paid today. Glad of that.
I could go on. I'm not.
I know Play Mama has had to see my dark side this week. She has had to stand by patiently and not pull a switch off a tree and whip me good. I'm good at hiding whatever is going on with me, but she can tell when something is wrong.
Just be patient and let me get back to me, Mama. That's all I ask.
You know, I try to remind myself that someone got into their car this morning, heading to work, yet they didn't make it because they were in fatal car accident. And they were the fatality.
That was not me today. And everyday I come home, whether the day is great or just plain downright awful, I thank God that it wasn't me, and that I have yet another day and chance to do better and be better.
This week has been a cacophony of emotions. Too many tears, too much anger, not enough laughter.
But I am glad my good weeks far outnumber my bad ones. Waaaay far.
And back to Oscar-Tyrone.
He isn't angry. He isn't confused or emotional.
He's just squinting against the morning sun.
He likes to sit up on the beams in the morning, just as the sun is rising in the eastern sky and shining through the small window over the living room.
He was sickly early this week. I'm hoping it was just a particularly nasty hairball.
He felt good enough to jump out on the beam and get a little sunshine.
I know he's glad of that.
I too am glad of that.
And glad for end of a bad week... and glad of the possibility of a better tomorrow.
One of my coworkers gave me a copy of Kelly Price's CD and I like listening to it at work while sitting at my desk crunching data. Unless someone gives me some current urban music, there's no way I'll hear it. I don't care to sift through all the trash to get to the true gems.
And this song, "I'm Sorry" is a gem. It gave me pause. I posted the words if you can't listen to the song.
I'm sorry that I'm leaving
I'm sorry that I stayed
I'm sorry that I ever let you treat me that way
And I'm sorry that I let a good man get away
But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
For the times I needed me
And every time I slacked
I'm sorry I gave him my love
And he didn't love me back
And I'm so sorry I gave him my heart
I want it back
But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
For the wasted time I know I'll never see again
For the drama and the lies that live inside my head
And for loving you (more) when I didn't even love myself
And for every bridge I burned I know I can't return
But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
I wrote it to say I love me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
Man. I wish that there were more songs of substance like this on the radio. Maybe then I would listen to the radio. Otherwise I will just deal with the delight of stumbling across them.
She sure did hit on a lot of mess, didn't she?
I can relate to everything in that song.
1. I've stayed in a ratchet relationship for longer than I should have.
2. I've let a joker treat me any kind of way.
3. I've let a good man get away.
4. I've needed me, and I wasn't there for myself.
5. I've been slack.
6. I've given my love and haven't been loved in return.
7. I've wasted time that I can't get back.
8. I've been caught up in drama.
9. I've built some crazy images based on assumption in my head... and acted out on them.
10. I've loved a sucker more than I've loved myself.
11. I've burnt bridges.
I've done all of that. And I can probably add 100 more things to that. And I'm still doing some of those things... sigh.
This song/ It really deals with an interesting subject matter: forgiveness.
The courage to say I'm sorry.
Saying I'm sorry to yourself, no less.
Forgiving oneself is really hard to do.
For me, it means I have to sit down in my quiet time and really truly acknowledge my mess.
And no one likes to look at their own mess.
Let's face it, we all got mess in our lives. If we don't have mess in our lives now, trust... we don't have to look too far to find it. As a matter of fact, we can travel down the narrow back corridors of our minds...
Yes, those dark dank dirty halls, with the unmentionable stories scrawled high on the walls...
And come across some mess.
We all have a past. Juicy, messy, bizarre, tragic, or otherwise.
And it's like a bright light, a beacon of sorts, off to the side of our minds. We're looking straight ahead, moving forward, achieveing and accomplishing great things... in the midst of that small light off to the side, which represents the past mess.
Or the present mess we hide from others.
I don't want to call it mess. I want to call it that ol' bullsh**.
But this is a rated PG blog.
And the Book of Cuss will remain closed tight with a rubberband and buried in my backyard.
But it is what it is.
I'm convinced that nothing happens until we face it.
Because we think about "it" just before we drift off to sleep... when we are alone in the dark with our personal thoughts.
I know we are serious when we say, "I'm going to deal with this, and I don't care what people say about me."
Because that is part of the problem within itself: the worry of "What will people think or say?"
But we are definitely serious when we look at our situation and say "I messed up. I acknowledged that I handled this all wrong. I own up to it."
And we take it a step further... and apologize to ourselves.
We forgive ourselves.
That's when the reminders slowly fade away. Yes they are a part of us.
But they cease to be the albatross around our necks.
And they become the stepping stones upon which we step to climb higher up the mountain to growth, maturity and personal peace.
This has been a janky week for me. One in which I've had to forgive myself for a few things that are bothering me pretty badly. And they are things that are not my fault and I can't do anything about. I wish I had a big eraser, and I could just erase it all.
Shoot man, I almost have to sit down and write a letter to myself.
But the major goal is to forgive myself, dust myself off, and move on.
That's the only way to let things go.
This has been another song that makes me think. Always good for blog fodder, I suppose.
I have scratched out 3 or 4 rough drafts of novels. I have numerous short stories. (I prefer flash and short fiction over long form). I will go so far as to say i have written out some half million words.
Yes I love to write. More than I love Chemistry. And I have a Ph.D in Chemistry.
That in itself lets you know I really love to write, but.
But I always get the same old question: When are you going to publish your stuff? You should publish your writing.
Sort of like one can just wake up, send your stuff out and voila! Published! Rich and Famous.
It doesn't work like that. You wouldn't believe the stories I've heard from favorite authors over the years.
You want to know why I haven't gone that route?
Because it's a pimp-ho game. And a VERY bad one at that. VERY BAD.
And read it before some cease and desist order or injunction gets slapped on the person's blog. Or before they up and disappear for putting the truth out there. I would be shocked if it stayed up for long.
I already knew this years ago. No one can convince me to go such a route. Not worth it. And someone came out and exposed it all in detail.
Yeah, the very thought over the years about the struggle to publish just kills a little of my writing joy... every time I think about it. I don't want what I love to die off... because of a pimp-ho thing.
Yeah, go read that post. And we don't have to worry about all the questions... ever again. You as a reader of books should understand what goes on.
Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel?Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel? What if I was gone forever?No more chocolate kisses, no nappy dugout everNo mama, no daughter, no sister, no, no sister friendsTell me my brother, what would become of you then? What if, poof, every black female in the world disappeared? Your man-child left unattendedLost when no one behind the steerin' wheelTell me, c'mon, how would that make you feel?C'mon, c'mon, help a sister say Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel?Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel? Your beautiful brown would be forever goneWhen no more cocoa wombs to carry your brown onYou right there, would be the last of your kindCan you feel this song? How does that affect your mind? 'Cause if there was no me, there'd be no youOoh, can you feel me? Is this song comin' through?That's the science in it but it's so much more intenseReach into your soul for the answerReach wherever you need to, to find it Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel?Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel? Say you be trippin', say you pimpin' itTalkin' 'bout how you da manWhat you are is somethin' differentBy-product of when massa ruled your lifeSpreadin' babies everywhere, couldn't think, couldn't care But you can now, you can, you canC'mon and man up, damn it Tell me how you'd feel?No mama, no daughter Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel?Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel? Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was gone?Tell me how you'd feel?Tell me how you'd feel if I was, if I was? LadyLee's Thoughts.
This is an interesting song. I personally like that it isn't the typical booty shake song. I'm to old for that and could care less about such. And you've read here long enough, you know I like a good beat and melody.
And it's a song that brings up interesting subject matter:
What if all the black women just up and poof... disappeared?
And why would anyone ever pose a question?
You know why. Because we are villified. We are sometimes looked at in a negative light.
Any which way you look at it, we are not held up on a pedestal like a white woman.
So Jill poses the question to a brother. I suppose those brothers who love themselves some white women.
Now I myself don't care who is with who. Maintaining a healthy relationship, both people being the same race or of different race, is paramount. Maintaining. It takes 2 people who love themselves. That surpasses race.
That's just my opinion.
And it pains me to be with a bunch of black women somewhere, and a brother walks in with a white woman on his arm.
Man, the huffs and puffs and cuss words under the breath rumble like low thunder. And what was once a good time turns into a mess.
And we aren't mad you see. We aren't pissed.
We're just hurt.
We weren't good enough for that brother.
Nevermind that we are a powerful group. POWERFUL and NECESSARY and of HIGH WORTH. (Well that's how I view myself. I reject anything different. We must learn to love ourselves... really).
I myself have TRAINED myself for many many years to think otherwise. My first thought will ALWAYS be... there are two people there who are in love. And they are together. I have no right to assume anything. That would be wrong.
I made a conscious decision years ago to feel that way. I refuse to get myself all stressed out.
That is the proper way to view it for me. If that's not the case, i.e., this brother is with this white woman, and she is a trophy, he hates black women, thinks we are all crazy, and it makes him feel good about himself to have a white woman... then...
We have a man with a self-esteem problem.
And honestly, who wants to deal with that, especially if he doesn't recognize it within himself and doesn't honestly work on it?
You and I don't want him. Becky can have him.
Trust me: HE WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME A PROBLEM FOR BECKY.
Hear me now and believe me later on that. Believe that.
That's just my personal view. Yours may be different. Everyone has a different take on these things. You must admit though, that they are painful things for many black women to talk about. Many of us have no one, and feelings can erupt like a volcano.
Anyway, this song reminded me of a convo I had with my brother when he was in high school. It was funny, but at the same time it wasn't because I meant what I said.
He asked me one day, "How would you feel if I dated a white girl?"
My self trained answer was "Well, if that's who you like or love, and she makes you happy, then good. If you're happy, I'm good. You can't worry about what people say. Be happy, man," I said.
"Okay," he said.
"However," I said. I peered at him over the top of my glasses, which had slid down on my nose. "Don't you forget, we were the ones who raised you, changed your diapers, took care of you when you were sick, and made sure you lived day to day."
"Okay," he said.
"Now," I continued. "Whoever you love is who you love. Black, white, indian, asian, mexican, Martian, whatever. That's what's important."
"Okay," he said with a head nod.
"Now if you walk up in my house with a white woman on your arm and you think you all that because you have a white woman, and you expect me to wait on her hand and foot, and I pick up on this, we gonna have problems. You and your white woman will end up head first in that fireplace."
My brother had a look of shock on his face.
I meant what he said. I don't like tomfoolery and drama. At all.
I haven't had a problem with the boy at all. I know he has dated white girls. One lived in a trailer park, and her family fit that trailer park stereotype. Let's just say nicely that uh... they didn't like the young negro. I asked him a question... "Is it worth it?"
A question that really has nothing to do with race really. A good question to ask ourselves if we are caught up in some ratchetness.
He said no.
A good answer.
I could go on, but I won't.
This song by Jill Scott is some good music.
Good music makes me ponder. We don't have much current music that forces you to form a thought in your head. Much of it is chewing gum for the brain. Either that or I'm getting old.
This song is no chewing gum. It had me thinking long after the last notes of the the song have been sung.
I was going to post on something else tonight, but something else peaked my interest...
I came home, lay across the bed as I usually do, and relaxed. I try to do this just to decompress from my day, which was pretty good. But I always need to relax, whether I'm in a decent mood or I'm brooding.
Anyway, I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. It was on one of the church stations. I wasn't paying that much attention. I was texting. And Oscar-Tyrone was sitting on the bed staring at me (so annoying).
But TD Jakes came on. I watch him as I'm getting ready to walk out the door in the mornings. His program is my alert to find my keys, pack my bag and head out the door. By this time, I'm running late, I drive the car that has charger, handicap hang tag, and garage remote already in it. No time to be looking for much stuff.
The program was interesting, but it repeats in the evening.
I heard the most interesting quote:
"Never look at another family or marriage and wish or pray your marriage is like theirs. The ONLY difference between your family or marriage and theirs is that they are very good at keeping things private."
That is a profound truth right there.
People got a LOT of stuff going on.
But they are very keen about keeping up appearances.
To the point of making people wish they were like them.
No you don't. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors.
People are good at covering up their private parts,
The private parts of their life, that is. Or, the problem areas of their lives...
Now, I think we all have things going on to some degree. Everyone. Life is an interesting soup... one that chock full of victories, failures, joy, disappointments, accomplishments, trials, tribulations, epiphanies, purposes, twists and hairpin turns...
Chock full. And that's what makes us the wonderful and diverse people we are.
I personally like people who are forthright with themselves concerning their vulnerabilities and their idiosyncrasies. If you've read here for some time, you should have a good idea of my own. I like people who know these things about themselves and are on a personal self improvement program. Those, in my opinion, are the best type of people. They give me the courage to do the same.
But it becomes suspect when they make it a point to make sure you KNOW they are perfect...
Red Flag. Whistle on the play!!
You've come across them... those people who are always right, who like being the center of attention, etc...
That's when I have a problem. I take some quiet steps away.
Because it never fails that their mess ends up being exposed. And it is some MESS.
I don't care for that. I feel conned.
It's not what we see that's all that important, but what goes on in the dark...
What goes on in heart of hearts...
That's truly important.
The only difference between me, with my imperfect self, and that perfect person are that they are really stealth about hiding their garbage. Very good at keeping things private, as the quote alludes to above.
And rightfully so. I myself don't like people in my business. And what you see with me is what you get. I simply don't have much drama going on.
I've been camped out around the house this weekend.
I'm being a lazy chicken, lounging hard like that cat Oscar-Tyrone.
Not really. I did laundry and other chores. Even got some crocheting in. I didn't do any lawn work. That will have to wait until later in the week when and if it cools off a bit outside.
Shoot man. Wish I could take tomorrow off. That's not going to happen.
I only left to go to the natural foods store for a fruit and veggie run. Lots of kale, swiss chard, tomatoes, carrots, brown rice, lentils, nuts and seeds. Good stuff.
I have a wonderful 32 bean vegetable soup going right now in the crock pot. That may be breakfast in the morning instead of kale apple juice. Maybe not. Something that heavy will give me the itis and make me gassy. Cubicle mate CowgirlCre will not appreciate that at all.
I watched a New York Undercover marathon this weekend. My goodness, I forgot how good that show was.
I really like this song right here.
Such a soothing song. I suppose we have all felt this way or currently feel this way now about our significant others.
And you know I'm interested because it will help me with some story. LOL
I heard a quote this weekend on TV that made me pause.
It's not the reality of the relationship that we are concerned with... but it's the fantasy of what we want the relationship to become that we chase after.
Something like that. You get the point.
Hmmm.... the reality is so hard to face sometimes. We know it's all mucked up. We ain't happy....
But if I just keep on trying... maybe it will get better.
Years can pass before we be like... You know? This here some ol' bull........
I'll be pondering that for awhile. Wish I could remember where I heard that. I don't.
Let the workweek begin! It's going to be a great one!
If you are looking for a tales of drunkeness in the club, you have come to the wrong place. You should've caught me some 20 to 25 years ago. Too old for that.
No this is just a randoms post.
Not sure how this week turned into a food-for-thought week. I guess I am still pondering what has occurred the first quarter of the year that really had me thinking. And spiritually speaking, those three posts have been on my mind. It was good to get it all down on paper and my feelings and thoughts concerning them too.
This has been a LONG week. I am so glad to have a weekend. I declare this weekend will go by super duper slow. Slow, slow, slow.
Work went well, but gets more annoying by the minute. I'd rather be somewhere writing. Really. Seems to get worse every week. Sigh.
Part of this is that I am PMSing. Emotions all over the place. Sigh. I will be just fine.
I need to cut the grass in the back yard, which means I would have to get out there before it rains. We will see.
I need to vacuum out the cars. I am hard on floormats. Gotta do better.
CowgirlCre has been juicing lately. I am digging her routine. She juices at night. I juice in the morning. I am thinking about switching to her method, and just storing juice overnight, and I won't be rushed in the morning. We will see.
I have missed my writing workshop two weeks in a row. Somebody better get a schedule to me fast, so I won't miss anymore.
Aunt Flo has showed up, so this means I will be in the house all weekend. I still want to get out and cut the grass, but it better be cool outside. I'd hate to faint in the back yard due to low iron counts.
If someone goes to see the Avengers movie, let me know if you like it. I want to go see it. ONLY if it is GREAT.
I am going to take something to help me sleep tonight. I sleep well, but not too hard. I want to sleep extra hard to night. If I could get some good 15 hour sleep I would.
There was a woman on the news tonight who had two husbands living a mere mile apart. A female bigamist is rare. That's some Silver Sparrow in reverse!
Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. Folks gonna be pissy drunk tomorrow. And they ain't even Mexican. LOL
That is it for my randoms. As you can tell, I'm just trying to make my 31 days of posting. That is all.
"And when it comes to love and trust of others... difficulties abound."
Hmmm... Love and Trust should be easy. But why isn't it.
A lot of why it isn't so simple is because many of us have baggage. We once loved someone, and we trusted them, and that thing went horribly wrong in some way. So we bring all that into the next relationship. Not consciously, but subconsciously.
I've looked at my life, and have come to that conclusion.
So with that in mind, some interesting subject matter on the issue of love and trust came up in one of the Friday evening bible studies. And interestingly enough it was based on a piece of scripture out of the book of Genesis.
Genesis 2:25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other's presence.
Strange place to base a sermon on. But we were going over respect for a marriage covenant, and how being able to be "emotionally naked" with a person will determine the strength of that relationship.
To be emotionally naked means to not be embarrassed or ashamed to reveal your true feelings to someone. And you are revealing yourself and your heart to them, without fear of them using it against you.
With that said, emotional nakedness requires trust. And a lot of it.
Minister Cory stressed that the first and foremost place where there should be emotional nakedness is within a marriage relationship. This is a place where there should be no shame, no fear to expose who you truly are with no fear of rejection, but with the expectation of protection.
I thought about my own failed marriage. Let me tell you, I was NOT emotionally naked there. No way man. Self preservation was key. And of course, things failed.
I had and still have a lot of old emotional baggage. It is more likely for you to walk down the street and find a bag of money than it is for me to share with you my hurts, my pains, my mistakes, my self disappointments, my fears, my failure, or my dreams... it's not going to happen. I've slipped up here and there, and was surprised that I didn't get shut down. (Although these people may have been silent, I know they were like "what the...?" lol).
You wouldn't BELIEVE the flack I get for having a bad day. Everybody has a bad day. Why ain't I allowed to have them, and when did it become a requirement for me to explain myself?
Don't let me get to ranting. (Packing baggage back in the closet).
Yet emotional nakedness, is key. Especially for a woman. You know how emotional we are. And when we have to hold all that in, there's gonna be some issues.
Minister Cory said one should be able to share their thoughts with other believers in their church who they fellowship with. But you can't do that, because those are the main folks who will mess you over- put your business out there, backbite, gossip about you.
Sad, but true. We don't have much opportunity to be emotionally naked with people.
So with that said, herein lies the reason why I wrote these posts. I was thinking about the first quarter of this year and what I heard that has been really on my mind, and there were a few quotes I keep going back to and pondering. (Might be useful writing prompts, too... lol)
I wanted to remember some quotes from a couple of sermonsm Just in case I needed to come back and read them later.
"Only to the extent that I trust a person am I going to expose myself and my heart."
"To the extent that you are willing to expose yourself communicates, demonstrates, and exhibits the extent of your ability to trust."
"Love requires the freedom to expose yourself. Where we get hurt is when we expose ourselves to people who can't be trusted."
Those are some heavy, heavy statements. I won't ponder them much. I will leave them with you to think about. I'm interested in your thoughts on them.
I will be writing all night if I talked about them. I've said enough.
I think it gets to the root of why us with trust issues have trust issues.
I think at least 3 sermons were spent on this. He could spend the rest of the year on it. Digging down and getting to the root of things is the way to true healing.
Minister Cory starts certain sermons with a song, and the declaration of "This session is for married couples, so if you are single, you are free to be dismissed if you like."
No one moves.
I think what he has to teach on, especially the subject matter of the last 3 posts, are good mental and spiritual fodder for those who are married and those who are single.
So, that ends my food for thought on this issue. I hope I gave you something to think about. I've gotten some good texts and emails about it (why is that you all like to LURK so much? LOL).
I thought it was all worth posting so I can go back and ponder.