Book Review: The Sociopath Next Door

I read the most fascinating book last month.

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The Sociopath Next Door

I first heard about this book some 8 years ago at a talk given by J. California Cooper at the NBCC. And since then, I'd been meaning to read it.

But I never got around to it in all these years.

Not until my sister Kentucky said she was reading it.

And you know me. I was thinking, "Let me go see what this girl is reading..."

Yes. Me and my nosey self.

And I like reading with my sister, as it always sparks a good discussion.

Now, I have read a lot of articles on the subject matter. When I see someone caught up in a bunch of mess, and that mess didn't start until a certain person entered their lives, I think of the whole sociopath issue.

It always sparks a huge question in my mind. My biggest question, though, is, and has been all of my life:

What on earth causes a person to walk into a another person's life and set fire to their lives?

In other words, what causes a person to enter a person's life and attempt to destroy that person emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically? And when they have torn that person down, they mover on to the next? And when this dramatic person's background is examined, there is a trail of this type of behavior. What is THAT about?

This book answers those questions quite definitively. After reading this book, I FULLY understand the answers.

Of course, most of us understand psychopathy... You know, like Hitler, and Charles Manson, and the religious leader craziness that happens every once in awhile, where the whole fringe group follows that leader right off a cliff of death (Jim Jones, etc.).  That's easy enough to see.

But what about sociopathy in everyday folks? In that coworker, that boss, the minister, that friend, that boyfriend or girlfriend?

Interestingly, the author groups sociopathy in with the psychopathy group. And it makes sense because some folks have a conscience.  And those "pathy" folk don't.

I like what the tagline on the front of the book says...

"1 in 25 Americans secretly has no conscience can do anything at all without feeling guilty..."

And that's the definition of a sociopath: someone who has no conscience, no moral compass whatsoever.  They have the ability to do anything at all to people, places and things with no guilt whatsoever.

And a lot of that starts in childhood.

Man... if you notice your child running around setting animals on fire, well.. you have a problem on your hands. That type of thing doesn't just go away. He or she is going to grow up and wreak absolute havoc in the lives of others.

You know how I feel about childhood. All that emotional mess starts in childhood. The book gets heavy into that. Is sociopathy a result of genetics or a result of culture and environment? There was at least a 2 chapter discussion on that. The answer is a bit surprising.

I like the author's definition of "Conscience":

"Conscience is a sense of obligation to, ultimately based in an emotional connection to another living creature (often but not always another human being), or to a group of human beings, or even to in some cases to humanity as a whole." (Chapter 1, p. 25).

And the book is an examination of  of conscience in that vein. Not only does it examine the whole phenomena of people with no conscience, but there are chapters that break down what true conscience is, and it's definition as a "seventh sense" of sorts.

Now, I wasn't expecting all that. But it offered a nice balance to the discussion. I now understand the difference.

There was a list of 13 rules from the book that I've seen all over the internet over the years concerning how to deal with sociopaths. Might as well list them here!

1.  The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience.

2.  In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the rule a person has taken on - education, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent- go with your instincts.

3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the rule of threes your personal policy.

4. Question Authority.

5. Suspect flattery.

6. If necessary redefine your concept of respect.

7. Do not join the game.

8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.

9. Question your tendency to pity too easily.

10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.

11. Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.

12. Defend your psyche.

13. Living well is the best revenge.

Those are interesting rules, and each is discussed in great detail.

The most interesting rule is #3, the "Rule of Threes". This means one lie may be an misunderstanding. Two lies may be a serious mistake. Three lies means you dealing with a straight up liar.  And I like what the book says about deceit: "Deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior." (page 157). When there is deceit or some other messy behaviour, it isn't sudden. There was always a pattern that went unrecognized. It is best to examine folk closely when that type of thing is going on.

I go overboard with that, I think. I watch how you treat other people. If you're wreaking havoc in everyone's lives, then I make a mental note of that, and I will usually leave you alone. I don't do well with emotional manipulation and pity issues. This book gets waaaaay deep into all of that.

It makes me a jerk. That is alright. I have just had the rug pulled completely out from beneathe my feet by a sociopath, and I have pretty strict rules for my personal space. I just don't care to have my peaceful life set afire. I've had things go on that, decades later, still affect me. And if I'd just recognized some patterns, I could've avoided a lot of chaos, trouble and danger.

I highlighted a couple of other quotes:

"One way or another, a life without conscience is a failed life." (page 209).

"There is the will to possess and dominate, and then there is the love." (page 192).

I have another quote, but I want to use that in a future "Food for thought" post.

Overall, this book helped me understand what was happening a few times in my life, when someone came into my life and set it on fire emotionally. I really needed this book in my late teens, and early 20s. I would've been prepared, and I could've avoided a couple of things that left me emotionally distraught. And it also allowed me to examine myself and some of my ways.

I am older now and a bit wiser. I am so fortunate that I had to a chance to read this book now.

Because it is never to late to learn.