Yes, that is right. From my sofa. I didn't want to post today, as I am not feeling particularly smurfy. I ate something yesterday that made me break out in hives. So I rather stay at home and let this all wear off. And it don't help that it is really nice outside. This is no time to be stuck up in the house. ugh. I do think some of it is something I ate, and part of it is due to nerves. I have entirely too much on my mind right now. That is a bit unusual for me.
This was an interesting weekend. It didn't rain. The sun was shining high in the sky. Not a drop of rain fell. I don't remember seeing any clouds. I almost wanted to take a picture or something because it is so hard to believe. Even the humidity is low.
This is UTOPIA.
Or maybe is all just a dream.
My weekend was .... uggggggh.
I didn't go anywhere on Saturday. Sometimes I catch up on my sleep if I have been sleeping crazy all week. Plus I am moody, and I am hard to deal with I am moody. And Aunt Flo showed up out of nowhere, and you know me.... I'm like those women in the bible - put me in a tent on the outskirts of town and leave me alone. Solitude, honey. Solitude.
But I ended up going out on Sunday. I needed to run some errands, some of which I needed to do on Saturday.
And I needed to do one other thing: spend some time with my father.
For some reason, I didn't feel like going over there. But I skipped going last week. One of the reasons is that I don't go over to anyone's house unless I call first. I don't understand the whole "showing up" thing. A lot of that has to do with the fact I rarely have people over. I just think it's a courtesy to always call. And I can't blame folks if they don't. I know that is just my habit. I don't like bothering folk. This is a good and a bad thing at the same time. The older I get, the more it seems to bother me.
Anyway, I called Aunt Ethel and asked if I could come over. She seemed surprised by this. Not in that I'm going to jump ship, which is easy enough to do. I think they are just use to people knocking on the door and showing up. Not gonna happen with me. I'm not even like that with folks I know well.
But I guess that is my third time going over there. The last time I went was after work, and that didn't fare to well for me, because I am a bit keyed up after I get off from work and I need a little time alone to decompress. So going from work straight to his house is not a good thing.
He is quiet. I am quiet. That makes for an odd gathering. And it's something I'm not in the mood for after work.
My solution is to go over on the weekends whenever I decide to go over. I have told myself it doesn't hurt to go over there for a half hour ever couple of weeks or so.
I still have to find some things to talk to him about. No, I am not asking him about his past of neglecting me. I could care less about that these days. But what is a bit troublesome is that I am 43 years old. And it seems as if he hasn't done anything of interest in the past 40 years.
And that isn't something you come out and ask someone.
"Have you done anything or had any accomplishments in the last 40 years?"
That is a rude question. Especially since I already know the answer to that question.
The answer is no. He has walked the neighborhood with his friends and drank liquor. He is an alcoholic. He has stayed in that same little bedroom all these years. I remember the room from when I was 4 or 5 years old, when I had to go over there every Christmas. Same twin size bed. Same furniture.
And I don't judge the man for that. Particular decisions afford particular results and consequences. Period.
But it makes me think of my own life. When I get his age, age 67, will I be able to look back on my life and say I did something with my life?
Of course I would. But seeing someone like him, who has sat in the same room, drank the same liquor for so many years is daunting. It makes me think of my own life and accomplishments. But it makes me think of all my dreams, goals and desires that have gone unfulfilled. It also makes me think of all those bad habits and strongholds I have that I have been sluggish about eliminating from my life. Years and years can pass, sometimes those questionable areas tend to overshadow all the good. That is unfortunate.
It makes me think of a quote I posted here on this blog awhile ago...
"The bad habits I let go unchecked in my life will eventually be the very source of my downfall."
And we see this happening all the time, these "bad habits left unchecked." We see it with the superstars. I know if you're like me, you've heard the news of some star's demise and shook your head. I always associated wealth with the good life. And times like that always let me know that wealth doesn't solve all problems... sometimes it magnifies them.
And I see the issues with my father, these effects of bad habits left unchecked. And I also see this with myself.
And it makes me a bit sad.
Something must be said in light of all that. I am always under construction right up until the very moment I die. This means problem areas I had years ago are gone. I have problem areas I am working on now that will diminish or go away. And problem areas will show up in the future. I are always growing and changing. We are always growing and changing. We are never stagnant in that.
The problem becomes when we have certain problem areas that don't go away. They linger. That's the problem.
And the very thought of it all magnifies when I have to sit down and talk to my father. It reminds me that I have to be more vigilant about working on my own personal sticky problem areas- those problem areas that won't seem to go away.
I know it is not a good idea to talk to him about that type of thing. It stresses and frustrates me a bit to try to think up ways to have conversations with him. Afterall, I don't particularly want this, I didn't ask for any of this, and I am not looking for a relationship with him. I have learned to exist without any type of relationship with either of my parents. The idea of such is foreign to me.
I hadn't seen him in two weeks, and he seems to be doing better. He is actually walking, and he seems to take pride in showing me that he can walk. I wouldn't be shocked if he did a fancy James Brown dance spin move, lol.
And we actually talked some, instead of sitting there quietly. I showed him pictures of some of my family. He was shocked to see that my mother, and his wife at one time, has grey hair now. I don't know why that shocked him, as he himself has grey hair. I asked him about his time in Viet Nam. He talked about some of his experiences there. I asked because I realized that is when his life basically stopped, after he got back from there. He said it messed him up so bad. He asked if being overseas messed up my brother. I said it bothered him, and he said that type of thing would. I am just glad my brother is moving forward. I would hate to see him in such a state as my father is... some 40 years later.
I think I stayed for 45 minutes. I would stay longer if I could remember to bring something to do with me, like my current crochet project. I don't do well just sitting idle. He was watching television - old cowboy movies on the western channel - but I still need something to do while I'm doing that.
My goal is just to go over every 2 weeks or so. I think that would be enough of me, just giving of my time. These days I'm having to sow "uncomfortable seed", which means doing things that I really don't care to do or doing things that make me uncomfortable. This is a good thing in itself, as it allows me to still continuously work on my selfishness issues in more unorthodox ways, ways not of my choosing. And it is an undeniable test to see if I do the things I do without any odd motives.
And it lets me know that I am growing...
Well, that wasn't one of my most usual smurfy Monday ramblings, was it?
I can at least post a song of the week, right?
Raphael Saddi - "Never Give you Up"
That's a good song. I wish there was more real music like that. It's hard to find original music these days. Everything is sampled. No originality and limited creativity. Sigh.
I may not post much this week. We will see.
In any case, have a good week... by design and on purpose.